Climbing Mount Everest

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by clean, Jan 19, 2017.

  1. clean

    clean Active Member

    Every climb starts with a single step. This is my first step. Towards sanity and Mount Everest. The journey is long and most people never reach the top. Some give up, some waste their time on different distractions thus lack the time and strength to make that final push. Some never ever try. Some are not even aware that there is a peak to reach. Some slip and keep slipping never reaching their full potential.

    This climb is a one time kind of climb. No second chance. When your time is over it is over.

    Im 37. My time is ticking away. I cannot waste my time anymore visiting whorehouses in Kathmandu. Today I am packing my gear, food supplies, a compass, a map and gathering my support group. My Higher Power will be my helper and companion that will mean the most. No painkillers this time around. I will reach Base Camp late today. I will take time to aclimitaize and prepare.

    My daily rituals and detailed daily plan will be posted.

    This journal will serve as my log book.

    Can't go back, they only way is forward.

    Wish me luck!
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2017
    Outlier and truthseeker like this.
  2. DMB

    DMB Member

    Nice post man, and good luck!

    Out of curiosity, how do you know when you've reached the top?
  3. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Yeah I also wanted to ask: what happens when you are on top?
  4. clean

    clean Active Member

    Thank you guys. Good questions. My goals are as follows:

    My goal is to have a life where I feel I am thriving and living not only surviving.

    When Im on the summit? This is a life long process. I will be on the top if I when my moment comes can look with a smile at my life and feel like I was myself, genuine and true.

    With that being said I do not want to say that slipping is ok. I will do everything I can to prevent relapsing as my brain needs time to heal.

    I have not decided if I will count days. Maybe up to a hundred.
  5. clean

    clean Active Member

    Now I will clean my kitchen, it's a mess. Then I will go to work and do some work. After that I will take a short walk, do my meditation and breathing. That is enough for this first part of the day.

    Generally these first 7 days are going to be a mess with ups and downs in my emotions but Ill just try to glide through the storm.

    I plan to reach Camp II around my 30 days mark. Good!

    No touching myself, no fantasy land thinking and no eyefucking on the street or anywhere.
  6. NoDestination

    NoDestination Active Member

    First time I hear that term. Nice. Love it.
  7. clean

    clean Active Member

    Thx dude!

    Mid day report

    I am feeling energetic. I will do my prayer, do my meditation and put myself into that calm state of mind that will keep me calm the rest of the day.

    p.s cleaning your house and doing work that needs to be done does help to keep urges at bay.
  8. clean

    clean Active Member

    my day emotions have been up and down all day long. this is normal. I would normally jack off now just to numb myself from anything. Instead I will take a shower, eat meditate and sleep. That is not really what I would like to do but creating habits is not about just doing whatever you want. It is what it is. Walk the walk !
  9. clean

    clean Active Member

    My daily ritual:

    Tuesdays: life coach

    I have the power to influence my life. What surrounds me doesnt determine my inner state. I determine if Im happy. Brave. Alive. I not 'them' not 'it'. I dont have to wrestle with my mind. Let it talk. I am still master of my life.
    Fry2 likes this.
  10. DMB

    DMB Member

    I like the daily ritual. I too am going to try to do some daily walking and meditation. There is such a thing as walking meditation too, might be able to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I have no idea how to do it, I did read about it once.
  11. clean

    clean Active Member

    Dmb thx dude!

    Its evening and I feel angry/trapped/down. My body is warmer than usual indicating Im under stress. Also my stomach acid gives me a clue in that direction. Basically it is cause Im 'at the effect' of life and not 'at cause'. It is all in my head. I need to sort this out in my head. Otherwise this is a first step down the relapsing road. First red flags are up.

    What I need to do is twofold. I need to be myself and the other person may or may not like it. Thats up to her. Ill be fine either way. Putting her wants before mine time after time keeps the addiction alive and makes me hate myself. I live only once and if she doesnt want to be a part of my support group then that is her problem. I shall not be FOG-ed anymore.

    1. Be myself
    2. Push through that fear (she will be hurt/angry/mean/)

    I shall not take other pplea emotions as my own. That is codependency and I shall not do it anymore. I still fear the fear but shall stand firm as I will not be able to look myself in the mirror otherwise.

    Camp II here I come!
  12. clean

    clean Active Member

    When the pain hits ask yourself

    • Do I honestly think this pain will never end?”

    • “Can I think of a time recently when I didn’t feel this way?”

    • “Would acting out really make my problem go away?”
  13. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Sometimes we must ride the rollercoaster of ups and downs. Knowing the ride will end, eventually, and the euphoria of it finishing will be so nice. Cleaning your house is a small and simple building of self worth and self esteem. That little feeling of accomplishment that powers us forward. Adding meditation and exercise to that and you are starting to build. Finally, helping others, like you have done here with me, is another great piece of the puzzle ;)
    clean likes this.
  14. clean

    clean Active Member

    I feel a lot of inner turmoil. I do not want porn but webcam or chat yes. That is cause porn is one sided and boring but webcam and chat give you a feeling of control and connection. So basically my urges are telling me I need some connection and someone to show they care about me. My old story is in action, Im focused on what other people want feel dont want dont feel. Their approval their right and wrong.This of course makes me feel out of control not loved not cared for not important. Webcam offers an illusion that I can escape that for a moment so that is why it is looking appealing.

    I just feel at the mercy of others. Especially women. But this is not about women. Or other people. This is about me. Noone can make me feel in a certain way if I do not allow it. I need to take my power back. I need to live my life they way I see it right and people who dont like it...well let them not like it....I am going to focus on what I want, what I need what makes me feel good. I have not done that before. Almost never. Or if I do it I would just be sneaky about it. Typical MrNice Guy .No wonder I have an addiction. So basically if I do not change this I will be stuck with some form of addiction until I die. Key for breaking free is to feel the fear taste it and still push on. Time to take care of ME!
  15. clean

    clean Active Member

    "The drive in addictive behavior is rage at helplessness. It is this particular kind of rage that gives addiction its most conspicuous characteristics of intensity and loss of control. This fury in addiction is actually quite normal. I sometimes describe it using the analogy of being caught in a cave-in. When you first find yourself trapped in a tight, dark space you might try to stay calm, but that won’t last for long. Soon you’ll be banging on the rocks, clawing at them to get out. Your hands will be bloody. You might break your wrist in the desperate effort. But that wouldn’t matter. At that moment the normal rage in such situations is the dominant force. "

    I feel this force right now. This rage. Im not sure how today will end. Im going to try to do something with my body so I get this rage out...even crying is better than relapsing...fuck...
  16. DMB

    DMB Member

    It always helps to cry when the strong emotions surface and begin to spill over. Some type of exercise like strength training is another alternative. Accept the emotions as being the right things to be feeling. Hang in there man!
  17. clean

    clean Active Member

    Ill be logging here often today. Thx dude!
  18. clean

    clean Active Member

    I feel a bit better heavily triggered though, logging off till tonight
  19. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Im on a vacation to a warm place in Florida, all alone, no real plans, girls all over the place, and feeling off the beam. So we are in this together. We overcome these kinds of times and we will keep growing..
    clean likes this.
  20. clean

    clean Active Member

    Thx dude!

    Im clean! After a massive verbal fight with my ex Im still standing. She just is behaving crazy and controlling like when we were together. My mother comes for a visit and she goes nuclear. I betrayed her trust again lol cause ahe hates my mom and in a real BPD style accuses me of plotting against much about her changing an me giving her second chance...I started to doubt my own mind again nasty feeling plus I almost relapsed today ...bloody hell...

    Anyway Im off to the forest tomorrow with my friends Im gonna do a barbeque lol in the mid of winter lol good I need some crazy time with my buddies...

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