Climbing back into the light.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Professor Chaos, Aug 27, 2022.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 21

    Today I’m finding really hard. My mind is just flooded. Usually three weeks is when I feel the strongest pull. Both for P and sexual thoughts. Feel like my attention is getting hijacked. I think I need to get off my phone. Too much scrolling is really close to searching for something stupid. You know, when you ‘accidentally’ find something. You know, when it’s not ‘your fault’.

    Ok digital detox for an hour. My mind is racing way too fast.

    PC.
     
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    For me, it’s less about rewarding that derails my long term streaks, rather it’s getting careless. Thinking that I am free and it doesn’t control me any more. That I can walk up to the edge and not jump. We like to think that we have a lot more control than we do over our lives. If we did, marketing wouldn’t exist. We are so easy influenced. So many webs trying to guide us in different directions. Gives me a headache just thinking about it.

    Sorry to hear about your relapse. Just focus on how much time you have saved and how much of your life you have got back since you started. Watch out for justification and rationalizations. Get back into the groove and keep moving.

    PC.

     
  3. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    PC. Thanks for your encouragement about my relapse and for sharing how you are doing

    I agree getting careless can also be a big risk. Like the person who gets too comfortable on his motorcycle.

    But acknowledging that risk is a big step and will help a lot.

    Keep up the strong fight and great work!
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 25

    Feeling very low this morning. So much weighing down on me. My head is throbbing and I just feel this crushing weight on my shoulders. Depression sucks, but at least I know there is a way out of it and it’s not my default state. This is probably the hardest part of the reboot. Coupled with things going on with my family and just trying to get some immigration stuff sorted. All those things together adding up. Had long cuddle with my cat, now having a coffee. Going to go and see my wife and kid shortly. Need to be around family as loneliness is eating me up.

    PC.
     
  5. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    PC. G00d for you to use your journal to verbalize what you are feeling. And yes - loneliness and just general feeling of melancholy can weigh you down so much. Really sorry for your pain.

    but please try to use all the resources you can muster to fight through it. Your cat and ofc your family are great places to start.

    and please remember - using P only makes you feel further agitated and sad. It doesn’t fill voids. It creates deeper ones

    be kind to yourself. And savor your wins!

    keep on fighting!
     
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  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 30
    Right so that’s one month down. Bounced back after my depressive rant posted above. Today I could feel a strong pull and a lot of triggers were in place. Alone, bored, but hungry, but tired, but stressed. All of these add up to the danger zone. Fortunately I’ve been able to keep a lid on it. Just checked my counter and realized that it has been 30 days. No wonder I could feel the pull tonight. Always easy to stumble before the finish line. Going to put my phone away for a bit and do some drawing. Hang in there guys. It’s always just one more step.

    PC.
     
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  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 42

    Just checking in. No major slip ups. Some noise in the background. Meditation helping me stay honest and humble.

    PC.
     
  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 46

    Struggling today. Struggling to get out of bed, struggling to stay motivated and struggling keep a clear head. Lots of fantasies bombarding me this morning. Feeling that itch this evening as well. Think I just need an early night.

    I’ve been binge eating junk food as well. I feel like my brain is craving dopamine and sugar is a good second choice. Not good for me though. Have been feeling very up and down about my family. It’s hard and I wish I had someone to talk to. I haven’t felt this alone in a very long time. I just want to shake this sadness and guilt I feel. Might write more about it later. Right now I just want to put it out there to read about it later. I’m not OK.

    but at least I’m not wasting my time on P.

    PC.
     
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is huge! I used food and booze when I quit PMO to compensate for the lack of dopamine stimulation. Over time we find healthier options. Don't beat yourself up, my friend.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hang in there man. There are days when we walk alone in the desert when it comes to beating this crappy addiction. Getting adequate rest can help a lot. Then it's about dealing with those difficult emotions that come up when we stay sober.

    You're already almost at 50 days, which is awesome.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  11. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    PC. I was just lamenting myself about using food as my dopamine fix. It’s very easy to fall into that pattern. But like me, you have recognised the trend and are looking to address it. It’s a great feeling to feel proactive about one’s body and overall health.

    you are doing great! Keep fighting hard.
     
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  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 49

    Thanks so much for the support guys. It means a lot to me. Even just coming on here when I’m feeling a bit low can really help me get through a rough patch.

    I guess it’s always darkest before the dawn. Feeling much better the last couple of days. Like the rolls of dark clouds are passing. Strangely I don’t remember being so low earlier in the week. It’s why journaling is important, my brain will retroactively adjust how I’m feeling.

    libido is returning to normal. Summer here down under, so lots of short dresses on display. My wife getting lots of physical attention, which I’m sure is appreciated.

    Full disclosure though. I just came from a website that I thought I’d locked down. I rattled the cages a bit by typing some keywords, only to find this was not the case. No images, but titles and scrolled through longer than I should reading them. No worse than bathroom graffiti. Still managed to nope the heck out of there.

    Might park my phone for a bit until I feel a bit more under control.

    PC.
     
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 68

    Hi everyone. I’m still here. I had one slip up a couple of weeks ago that resulted in scrolling through some racy tweets, but it didn’t escalate to M or O so I think I got away from that one. Still an important exercise in beginning vigilante and watching out for ‘search word creep’.

    Feeling the pull this morning after my morning coffee. But overall doing OK. Incredibly busy at the moment. We might be moving, I might have a new job and my daughter is continuing to get treatment to help with her development. All of this is quite exhausting. I feel mentally pretty drained and am looking forward to some R&R over the Christmas break. Just gotta make it through the next couple of months.

    Those of you still reading this my heart goes out to you. May you stay safe, sane and be kind to yourself and others. It’s all we can really do when the seas get rough and our boats get tossed around. Hold on a bit longer. Calmer seas on the horizon.

    PC.
     
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You totally got this! :)

    There are, indeed, calmer seas, and then they get rough again. What we're building here is resilience, determination, and grit. Once we've taken on the 12' waves then "bring on the 20' ones, baby!"
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 0

    Slipped stumbled and fell into a hole last night. Still processing, still here.

    PC.
     
  16. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Well done for coming here and posting what happened and taking the responsibility for it.
    In my opinion, for what it is worth, you used the right productive word, processing. Learn what you can learn from it and try not to blame or beat yourself up too much.
    All the best.
     
  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 3

    Still here. Haven’t spiraled just yet. Maybe I can hold out for the rest of the week.

    PC.
     
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 5

    Still here. Small numbers. Some hope.

    PC
     
  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 10
    Meditating again. Small steps. Over one week done. P is still there. In my head, like background radiation. Just have to ignore it.

    PC
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're doing great!
     
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