Climbing back into the light.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Professor Chaos, Aug 27, 2022.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone.

    I’m back and posting a new thread in the appropriate 40+ forum. Not sure if there is anyone on here who remembers me. I could definitely use some encouragement, kindness and patience as I am struggling to stay clean for 24 hours after a bad relapse. This is the most lost I have felt in a while. I feel a bit stuck in a Groundhog Day moment. Going to log off to try to get some mediation done.

    Here’s hoping I can keep it together.
     
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the relapse. This problem or however we wanna call it, is a tough resilient cracker. As many of us know.

    You can if you want to !

    We're here for you. All the best.
     
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  3. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    praying for you my brother. hang in there. just for today.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. The support I’ve gotten from this forum has always helped me stay the course. I know from previous relapses that I always want to post some crazy goal or some impressive feat that I’m going achieve. But right now I can’t really trust my brain. So the goals are short and simple.
    First goal. 24 hours clean.
    Then 48 hours.
    Then 1 week
    Then 2 weeks
    Then 1 month.
    Once I have those under my belt I’ll be in a better place. For now I just need to concentrate on the first three. Today, tomorrow and a week from now. Thanks for the kind words.

    Take care all. I’ll be sure to keep my journal updated.

    peace,
    PC.
     
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  5. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member


    Welcome back PC!
    I’m relatively new here. Just read some of your journal entries from 30-39. You showed A LOT of strength and focus to have several impressive runs of abstinence! bravo!
    And please do not be hard on yourself - you can def do it again! Hang in there. Read or reread Wack and Easy Peasy. Very helpful.

    your prior experiences were very inspiring to me as I work very hard to reach 90 days!

    very happy to have another brother active and supportive here.
     
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2022
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    I am humbled that anything I wrote might have inspired you. I can see you are well on your way to 90 days. Fantastic work!

    What is Wack and Easy Peasy? Are the books? Blogs? Happy to find any good reading material.

    PC.
     
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  7. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    PC - your journey definitely inspired me! - as I can tell that you - like me - find it challenging many days - even as the abstinence period gets longer. But you have gone on to much longer time periods than me. As I explained on my own journal - yesterday was one of my toughest days - despite approaching 90 days clean. Hopefully we both can continue to find the energy and focus to stay that way!

    And here are links to the 2 books I mentioned.

    Wack: www.amazon.com/Wack-Addicted-Internet-Noah-Church/dp/0692216219/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2357HWW8OG4XY&keywords=wack&qid=1661788828&sprefix=wack%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-1

    easy peasy (free): easypeasymethod.org

    (for easy peasy - strongly recommend reading it page by page and not skipping around)


    Keep up the fight brother!
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2022
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  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the recommendation. I will be sure to check those out. Congrats on getting closer to your goal. There are always hurdles before the finish line.

    Have made it 72 hours now. Next hurdle is the one week barrier. Keeping busy this weekend should help me stay on track.

    peace all.
    PC.
     
  9. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the 40+ forum PC. Sorry to hear you have been feeling lost. I like your idea of breaking it down into shorter goals, which will help the mind to see these goals as being manageable/achievable.

    @path-forward the 'easy peasy' book looks interesting, the introductory chapter makes some quite lofty claims about the effectiveness of the method but I'm curious enough to carry on reading. Apparently it's a rewrite of Allen Carr’s EasyWay to Smoking.
     
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  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Six days today and I’m feeling the pull. I think I’ve been browsing on my phone too much. Too much scrolling on my phone. Looking for a ‘fix’. Quiet voice keeps whispering it knows where to find that fix. It wants me to listen. Need to put away my phone for a bit. Get some breathing room. My mind is hungry for dopamine. Going to have some chocolate instead.

    One more day down, and I’ll have passed the first week. Just gotta hang in there.

    PC.
     
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  11. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Great work PC working towards that first week. big step in going forward. And kudos to you for understanding the sinister methods of this beast! its all an illusion. We will all actually feel more empty and dissatisfied afterwards, if we act on the temptation - not happier! And P subs can be in many forms. Good that that you are being aware of them, I have really made an extra effort lately to minimize them and it def helps. Keep up the great work! one day at a time!
     
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  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 7
    Thanks for the support guys. One week down. Can feel the pull, but keeping myself busy. That’s always the key. But the danger of mindless scrolling and feeling like I need to start some big project, persist. Now I need to make it to week two.

    PC.
     
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  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're doing great!
     
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 12

    Two days ago we received some very distressing news. My little two year old girl was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition. The kind that will most likely effect her for the rest of her life. My wife and I were / are devastated, but we have lots of amazing support people. This is one of the lowest points I have been in a long time, but I am not going to act out, I’m not going to drown my sorrows in dopamine. I’m taking each day as it comes. Feel exhausted though and going to have an early night. Peace my brothers. Gove your loved ones a big hug.

    PC.
     
  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that man. Stay strong. Congratulations on those 12 days!
     
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  16. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    PC. So very sorry to hear about your daughter.

    but very happy to see how you are reacting. It’s the perfect attitude! PMO and MO are not the answer. It’s all about staying in the present.

    Be strong for yourself and your family. They need you fully engaged.

    Kudos to you for maintaining your strength during tough times! Big step in your recovery from addiction.
     
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  17. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    praying you and your family my brother
     
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 15
    Two weeks down. Overall really making progress. In the interests of full confession I did scrub through some videos on Prime looking for some fleshy scenes. I need to stop that behavior. A couple of really strong ‘pulls’ in the last couple of days. Luckily my life is busy and I have lots to do. Thank you for all the support. Tired and a bit drained.

    All the best.
    PC.
     
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  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 20.

    Still in the fight. Tired and stressed, but hanging in there. Need to mediate as I’m feeling extra cranky today. Still no major flags. I few big urges earlier in the week, but they have passed. Signs that I’m getting better. One brick at a time I build my wall.

    Stay strong brothers.
    PC.
     
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  20. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member


    @Professor Chaos Great to hear of your focus and strength to stay on track in your mission.

    Meditation is great! Good for you to use healthy ways to disconnect from emotions normally “falsely satisfied” by PMO. It’s such an important way to build up resistance - to make you feel better about yourself and your life.

    I find it very helpful to build a “mental tool kit” of activities to use, when the urges hit or you are feeling the affects of withdrawal.

    you are so close to completing the first legs of your new journey:

    “First goal. 24 hours clean.
    Then 48 hours.
    Then 1 week
    Then 2 weeks
    Then 1 month.
    Once I have those under my belt I’ll be in a better place. For now I just need to concentrate on the first three. Today, tomorrow and a week from now.”

    great job! You got this! And are on your way to changing things for the better in your life.

    I find working toward milestones are very helpful and encouraging. But just a warning, as I crashed so soon after 100 days. Do not EVER think to “reward yourself” with PMO. It’s NEVER a reward. It’s a huge and deeply unsatisfying punishment, negating your prior strength and focus.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2022
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