Claude's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ClaudeBolling, Jun 29, 2016.

  1. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Ok I will start a journal of my own as I see a lot of people do with success.
    I have also requested online help (anonymous) from a professional, so lets see. It is all about accountability and answering what you are doing. So far I have stayed away from any material today, so glad it is day no 1. I am going to change my normal routine, start a couple of new things just to keep my mind busy. Bought my first fiction book in 10 years so that will really keep be busy as it is a new concept for me (I just read non-fiction).
    Anyway. Its 16:00 in the afternoon and im clean so far.
     
  2. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Day 2:

    10:30. And that is AM. Got up late this morning for a good reason. My best starting point was usually 7:00am in the morning while everyone else was asleep. So I purposely missed my 'previous morning session'. I will be honest, I do feel the urge to 'peek'. So to prevent that I offered to buy gas for the heater just to be away from my pc. By the way, my work requires me to be online the whole time (I manage several websites). Bugger. My big problem will come later this afternoon at 15:00. That is when I have finished all the important work and my fingers can search for other things online. So I have planned to do other stuff during that time just to change the routine, environment and my thoughts.
     
  3. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    8:37: perfectly clean second day. So awesome. So lets see what I can achieve today. BTW, somehow my wife has climbed out of her prude closet and read Darker Shade of Grey (Something like that anyway). Now after 7 years for the first time she really wants sex and I'm sitting with my friend ED. Bummer. Ironically she also bought a sex art move, can you believe it. WTF. If she did it 1 year ago I would not have my friend ED along and everything would be fine as we would have made our own porn movies in our minds.

    Must say my ED after 2 days is at its worst. I just cannot get it up, nothing, actually, it feels as my member pulls back so much more when we are about to get intimate. It's like it shrivels up.
     
  4. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Well somehow I cannot reset my counter. This really infuriates me and I am ready to explode. I know slamming my keyboard does not help but that is how I feel. Been on my usual sites again today. It is so hilariously frustrating to work on my new MSI laptop as they keyboard designed by Steelseires is a piece of shit. anyway. i wont use capitals as the shift hardly works. i am frustrated beyond comprehension as i also tried to implement parental control on my tp-link archer d9. which just does not work not matter what i type into it. i was hoping to provide my wife with the modems password with parental control . well that hope is in the air. will have to resort to something else. i had a bad day. 18:00 now. will try tomorrow with my own will to stop.
     
  5. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Counter says 6 days while it is only 1 day. Strange i have no inclination to watch any 'porn'. Over the years I have moved away from standard porn to more titillating fetishes that provide a much more enduring and fulfilling dopamine rush. I'm back with capital letters, lol.

    It is strange that the invisible voice has not controlled me today to go online (although I am online the whole day), she just was not at home today, so it seems.

    Hooray, a woody appeared during the night which was an awesome visit from an obscure friend. He's not been with me for quite a while so I stayed awake and enjoyed his company until we both faded into the night.

    I feel really good, even my keyboard is not irritating me that much.

    I have made a promise to myself, no more wanking, that is my partner's job and she is suddenly more than willing to do it. What a turnaround, 10 years nothing and now suddenly she's getting kinky and bought keisen balls. That is life. Just when I'm in this precarious position with a lingering floppy, she starts getting alive and I cannot satisfy her.

    But she's ok with it. Thinks it is my prostate. Anyway, my life in that department is on the rise so there is much to look forward to.

    At least I wont succumb to my urges today. Its nearly 17:00, one hour to go and a lot of work too. I'll knock of at five, close my laptop and then I know I made another day.

    Dam ticker. should read 1 by the end of the day.
     
  6. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    The counter conundrum. Should read 2.....

    Well awesome day, very busy. Absolutely no desire or aching for little extra dopamine in my blood. Weird. Had awesome sex this morning, actually got it up. yeah. Weird.

    Anyway, 17:50 now, going to help my wife carve up dinner and watch a movie together.

    Totally porn free day, better even, didn't even think about it.
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sounds like things are really rolling along for you, Claude. Your wife's renewed interest in sex, along with your desire to abstain from P couldn't be happening at a better time. :)
     
  8. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Aha, counter conundrum solved, apparently it is not the programmer's fault but mine, I logged into the wrong account.

    Anyway Saville, yes thanks, never thought it would be so "easy". But remember it is only 3 days. I have had many slips in the past. I have to admit that this time it is different ( and so say all of us...). It is really, I have new interest in my soul mate, and she in me. And that really is awesome.

    So anyway, 10:00 am this morning and feel no inclination to look at anything, just feel refreshed and want to do some work, stuff that I enjoy (my work is actually my hobby so it is great).

    16:00 - headaches are settling in nicely. Had one the other night, my I presume it's the classic withdrawal symptom I am experiencing.
     
  9. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    13:20, half way through the day and its tough. I need a rush. I can feel it creeping inside me. Losing focus while working and my mind shifts into fantasies (not work related haha). I am really on the edge of giving myself over, but I'm really trying hard to resist. At least we have to leave early this Friday for family matters so I will not be sitting in front of the screen the whole day.
     
  10. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Saturday flew past me like a helicopter. No visits to old pixilated gf's. Awesome ! These days I stay in bed with the family instead of sneaking down to my PC at 6am and have a good lonely erotic session until the first person wakes up and demands coffee, hot chocolate or something to wash away the sleep.
     
  11. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Ok, so resetting the counter is a bit humiliating. But it is something one has to do and be honest with yourself. Just like playing golf alone.

    Didn't delve into the net much, just enough to penalize myself as any form of porn like chatting or seeing pics are rule breakers.

    I made at least 6 days. That is awesome. Now i have to start over again.

    Why did I peek, I don't know. The craving was just there, itching my unconscious mind until it became a real thing I want and need to do. Difficult to describe. My guilt prevented me from going deeper and longer. I kept on convincing myself that what I am doing now is nothing, it is not affecting me. I did not even MB. Just had to make sure that all the stuff is still very safely backed up on the internet.
     
  12. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Grrrr. had to reset it again. but in a way i am coping better.
     
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You backed stuff up on the internet? Do you mean you've backed up P?

    You did 6 days, which is huge. Let's get going with a much longer streak, Claude. Be fierce!
     
  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    When first starting abstinence it is typical to relapse frequently. Don't beat yourself up, just keep trying to break the cycle and start to learn what your triggers are. Pluck all the triggers from your life and you'll eventually be able to remain sober indefinitely.
     
  15. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    I'll be honest. I can't remember even writing that. Must have been a while ago.

    if i back stuff up on the net its for work. Not porn :):):):). I have no idea why I said that. it boggles me. Maybe i was in a trance, stressed out trance, incoherently typing random stuff coming into my mind. A while ago I had folders that I shared with other people and we would trade new images and vids, that is all deleted now. I dont do that anymore.
     
  16. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    Today was flat out working, thought about porn but just fantasized a little about old stuff. MB quickly and its all over. My mind focused on work again. I find if I MB early in the morning my urge for porn will stay away until at least 10am.
    It was a good day, no relapse. 3 days wow. so awesome to be able to say it. yeaaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What's happening with your partner?
     
  18. ClaudeBolling

    ClaudeBolling Member

    She knows nothing. And there is no way I can tell her. We had sex twice this year so far and both times it was so-so. But there are other underlying issues in our relationship at the moment which has nothing to do with my online escapades.

    I always say, "A good shit is better than shit sex". Once the negative stress between us is resolved I can move forward, for now I need also to focus on not doing porn. Winning the porn issue makes everything else so much easier and it might just fall in place again.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, this is the truth, brother. Relationship issues take a turn for the better (usually way better) when we don't have our noses in P.
     
  20. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Claude, a lot of people use PMO to "medicate" some feeling they are having. For example, for me it was what I turned to when I felt anxious or insecure. I have been working to understand why I feel anxious and trying to change my thought patterns, memories, and coping skills for anxious feelings.

    Why do you use PMO? When do you notice yourself most likely to do it? What are you feeling at that time? Where are you? Why do you think you are doing it in those situations?

    The answers to these questions could really help you.
     

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