@NewStart19 Thanks for all the book recommendations. Several are on my list already but now I can add the others.
11 days. Today I had some urges. Was thinking about past relationship and my brain said "wouldn't it be nice if one of them emailed you right now". So I said to my brain "no, it would not be nice". I went through my sent personal emails from 2005 to 2007. I can't believe what an asshole I was and that was in my 30s. No telling how much more of a jerk I was in my 20s. Perhaps I should not feel so guilty about a failed college relationship. Today I am grateful for my wife. She as stuck by my side through thick and thin.
12 days. In this mornings mediation I realized there is a set of events that happen. First, a thought or memory. Second, an emotion tied to that thought or memory. Third, my brain/body wanting to do something to make that emotion go away. Since mid-summer, I've been thinking of memories of a college girlfriend or, normally, I will have a sexual thought. Today, I really tried to recognize that it was a thought and that I had an emotion. One of the mediation books or within the Headspace app said to just identify it as "thinking" or "an emotion". This seemed to help. Today, I am grateful that I am different today than I used to be and I continue to grow.
13 days. Ran outside for the first time in forever. Even though it was cold, I thought it would be good for my soul to get outside for a change. Today I'm grateful that I make enough money that when I need new running shoes, I can just buy them without having to make sacrifices. I have lots of thoughts that I need to write down. I will definitely record them in my private journal but wondering if I should write them here for others to see (and perhaps comment and help). Thoughts?
14 days. Once you get some distance to PMO, it's amazing to see the brain and body work the way they are supposed to. Wife left the house and I took a nap. When I woke up, I had this incredible feeling of boredom. In the past, I would have mistaken this feeling (or associated it) with loneliness. To cure this feeling, I would have PMOed, convincing myself that I needed it to feel loved and to feel whole. The reality is this feeling is your brain/body telling you to do something, get better at something, do some work, etc.
Rudolf, I am 66 years old and still fighting it. hang in there. you have your whole life to live. do it clean. take care
15 days. I'm glad COVID and 2020 happened. Without it, I would still be PMOing and would not have faced the tough decision to quit. My marriage is stronger today than it has been in the past and I'm working through issues I have long since ignored. I can tell my brain is still playing tricks on me trying to cause me pain by remembering my college relationship and saying "it was so good; you screwed it up; you'll never have something like that again". How silly that it was over 25 years ago and a part of me is still hung up on that. From someone else's reboot journal, they had the following questions: Would I marry myself or someone like me? What have I not accepted about myself? What gifts await me as I love and accept who I am and who I am becoming? Sometimes I have thought it would be cool to marry myself. But when I think about it now, I cringe. My 3xday Og Mandino reading says "always will I work on my grace and manners for they are the sugar to which all are attracted". I so wish I head learned that lesson earlier in my life. I made a fool out of myself and ruined a few great relationships being a selfish opinionated, arrogant asshole, and thinking I'm always right. So no, while I do think I am a catch by most measures, I wouldn't marry myself.
Glad to hear your marriage is doing well and that you're moving forward on some of these issues. Sometimes we have to learn things about our character shortcomings the hard way. Strength to you on this journey and on this streak.
Day 18. Reading Power of Now and it talks a lot about being stuck in the past. It's something I have to work on. My whole life, my thoughts have either been "things will be better when..." or (more recently) "things used to be better ....". I just need to enjoy the now and all the ups and downs of the present moment.
Day 19. Major urges the last 24 hours plus my brain was really stuck on the past. I realized I had not meditated in a few days so I spent 20 minutes. Amazing how quite my brain was post-meditation. My wife left the house to meet a friend and I could feel myself thinking of going to watch P or MO; I'm proud of myself since I stopped as soon as I realized what was happening. I don't think that would have happened had I not meditated. I've started to write down all my memories from my college relationship along with my perception of what I thought at the time (even though it was 25 to 30 years ago). There is a youtube video form Jordan Peterson about getting unstuck so I figured I would give it a go in my journal. Below is from that video (Quora actually) What do I do to get out of being stuck in the past? Write it down. I got this from Dr. Jordan Peterson, a world-renowned psychologist who expanded Dr. James Pennebaker’s research on how writing affects people. Basically, writing, as Jordan Peterson says, is a form of enhanced thinking. By writing down your thoughts you force your brain to create new neurons that literally remodel your brain. When you’re stuck in the past, he explains that your being/self/brain hasn’t truly extracted out the wisdom or knowledge out of that slice of time. That is one of the reasons why we can perceive the past: to learn about past mistakes and events so we won’t get hurt by that predator again. This is what it means to be stuck in the past. Your brain still sees it an unresolved piece of a puzzle. One way to un-stuck yourself would be to write it down. In the most comprehensive way possible, and as you are going through it you will suddenly find yourself creating new connections and insights regarding what happened, coupled with the fact that the ‘you’ in the now have vastly different views and experiences than the person before. Hindsight is a good teacher in this very case. One thing you’ll notice if you pay attention is that once you’ve ‘extracted’ your gold, you will start having vastly different dreams. Dreams that if observed connect to where you are now or what your psyche wants to tell you,
