CHICAGO'S JOURNAL [Day: 1 ; Should have known better]

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chicago, Jun 9, 2012.

  1. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    21 year old. Porn addict.

    My background leading to my story:

    I found out about porn when I was about 10 years old. I started masturbating around 9. Although I knew about porn, I always masturbated without it. Mostly because I didn’t have access to it. By 12, I got a porn magazine from my cousin. I occasionally masturbated to it, but I would say that 90% of the time, I would masturbate without it.

    At the age of 13, I started to masturbate to porn more often[ about 5 times a month], but because I had a girlfriend [which lasted until I was 15] it still wasn’t a lot. I would usually make out with my gf, we would feel each other up and I would masturbate later.

    After my girlfriend and I broke up, I started to masturbate to porn more frequently. At this point, I would say I masturbated to porn about 10 times a month. But I would still masturbate without it at the same rate. The duration of each masturbation session was between 15-25 minutes. It started going downhill fast at the age of 18. I had easy access to porn and a lot of time alone at home. I went from masturbating around 5 times a week, 50% of the time with porn, to 7-10 times a week, 95% of the time with porn. My masturbation sessions increased to about 35-45 minutes at this time.

    Occasionally, I would give myself a 2-4 day break because my erections started getting weaker. I thought this was because I was overdoing it. After the break, my erections were strong again and I continued on.

    When I turned 20. I had no idea what was going on anymore. I questioned if I was addicted to porn. I started masturbating 10-14 times a week, 99% of the time to porn. My masturbation sessions lasted about 2-4 HOURS at this point. If I tried masturbating without it, it would take me 20 minutes to even get an erection. I even started having trouble getting erections to porn. I would take my 2-4 day break, come back and have trouble getting it up. I started freaking out thinking I have ED and I started googling a bunch of stuff and couldn’t find much.

    So I continued masturbating because at least I was EVENTUALLY able to get an erection. This is where it gets weird. One day I was browsing through videos, trying to find a good scene to get me hard. I click on what seemed to be a girl-on-girl video, but soon found out that it was actually tranny porn. I was just about to exit out of it because I’m straight and it grossed me the hell out. The thing is, I got hard. This confused me so much, because the thought of tranny's before made me go soft. Now suddenly I'm going hard?I really started freaking out because I questioned whether or not I was really straight, and if the reason why I’m not getting hard anymore is because I’m not attracted to women. After googling this for about 2 hours, I found that a lot of straight men supposedly watch and masturbate to tranny porn. They also said this happened to them out of the blue. This made me feel a little better.

    So what I started doing was I used the tranny porn to get me hard so I can move on to the heterosexual porn where I’d finish. Without realizing, I was soon even watching a bunch of other taboo or more extreme porn that I never would have even considered watching a couple of years ago. I started feeling disgusting after I was done masturbating because I couldn’t believe I let myself get to this point. I just couldn’t stop my self.

    So about a week ago I decided I was going to stop watching porn for good and masturbation for a little while. Well, after 4 days I completely collapsed. I masturbated 4 times in one day to porn. Then 3 more times the next day.

    I couldn't believe myself. So what I recently did was set up a porn block thing on my computer and erased all the videos I had saved onto my computer. I think this is an appropriate first step.

    Let's see how this goes.
     
  2. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Hi, chicago! I am 46 years old and just assumed my addiction a very few time ago. It was my first step. Stop denying. You are lucky of recognize the real situation very young. How is your relationship with your parents? Try to look at this relationship. You probably will find more clues to understand what is going on. I have 3 days without porn. It s not an esasy road. Here you ll find a lot of help. It depends on you take the decision to stop. Go on , man! Come into this road!
     
  3. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Hey, Pilgrim!

    My relationship with my mom has always been good. MY dad, not so much. He cheated on my mom when I was 12 [found out about this at the age of 14 though] and then again a year ago. So I kind of hate him for that... among other things.

    It may or may not have something to do with my addiction, but I don't think it does. I started looking and masturbating to porn before my relationship with my dad went sour.

    The habit just got worse when I had better access to it.

    I hope my recovery goes as planned :)
     
  4. lolz0r31

    lolz0r31 Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    yeah I used to watch some wierd fetishes too. I would never do any of them in real life but im a huge gamer and it seemed like video games and porn kinda went together with the excitement of something new all the time. I was trying to quit it took me like a month. the last time was 3 weeks ago and I masturbated 5 times every day for 3 days. I was like wtf this is really hard to quit.

    but then i did it one more time like 4 days later and i told myself ok i have a problem, so i got rid of my iphone. put blockers on both my computers. deleted all my porn. and then like 3 days later I hit this flatline where I dont feel any urges. Its scary because ive never felt like this before, but people keep telling me I will get better. So I know you can recover too!
     
  5. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    lolZor-

    would you mind telling me what porn blocker's you use?
    i'm trying to find a good one.

    thanks,

    pizzaman
     
  6. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Yeah, I'm not into the whole gaming thing. But I do need to find a hobby to keep me occupied while I'm bored. I think one reason it's hard for people to stop watching Porn and masturbation is the fact that they have a lot of time on their hands and their bored.

    This might sound weird, but I kind of want the flatline period to get here as soon as possible. I feel like if I'm not getting any erections or feelings of being turned on, it'll be a little easier to avoid thinking about masturbation and porn. Of course, I don't want it to last too long hahaha.

    Thank and good luck to you too!
     
  7. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Ok, Chicago. So, are you coming into the road? I feel you are ready. Do you know what made me take the decision to get into this road , among other things? One day I just imagined my self the day of my dead (we all will die one f.. day) and so I felt scary of imagine my self looking behind and regret for not trying to quit and looking at the hours I had spent in front of the screen just masturbating... It was scary. I felt the huge regret i coukd feel of having waste this f...beautiful life just thinking on sex and watching porn. So, the only way is try to quit. Try and try and try. If you are confident with your parents, you can always talk with them about what is going on. We are f...so we dont losse nothing by talking with people who love us and can help us. Come on!
     
  8. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Wow. After just a day and a half, I almost relapsed. I'm in the bathroom on my phone... and I go on the internet and think, "Hey, I have a porn blocker on my computer... not my phone!" and started typing in the porn site I always visited. My internet was screwed up though and it wouldn't load.

    This was just ridiculous. Not that the internet wasn't working... but that I almost caved in after a day and a fuckin' half.
     
  9. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Definitely just relapsed. I'm so fuckin pissed. I seriously have no self control right now.

    I can only take away two positives from this.

    1. I didn't get off on porn. I masturbated without it just to get rid of that itch I had from half hour ago.

    2. I started yesterday. So I didn't really ruin any progress made.

    Shit.

    First thing to do tmrw morning: Find a program to block porn on my phone. That way, I'd have no way to watch it.. unless I went out and bought some which I won't do because I don't have money to spend.
     
  10. xman

    xman New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    I relapsed fully with PMO 3 times the first month I tried, and I used to look at explicit pics and images probably a dozen times during that period.

    My current reboot I'm 15 days in which is record - so just jump back on the wagon dude. Remember why you want to reboot, and attach as many negative feelings and images to idea of PMO.
     
  11. Pilgrim

    Pilgrim New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Come on again, dont feel guilty, dont feel ashame. Try again! It s the only way.
     
  12. Buda

    Buda New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Hi Chicago,

    -Use k9 to block porn.
    -If you have porn in any media (hard disk, external hard disk, USB, CD, DVD), delete that as soon as possible. I did that the first day.
    Welcome to our community, I'm also new to quit PMO (day 4).
    I find that doing activities like sports, lecture keep me away to think about masturbate. <- Let's use our time wisely
    When I see any woman with good body on the Internet I close the window, hehehe.

    Regards.
    SB
     
  13. Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Keep it going Chicago. You're going to have relapses when you first start out. It's almost inevitable. Just keep it going and resist those urges. Find another activity to replace PMO. I'll be checking up on your journal. I'm the same age as you, so I want to see how you do at this.
     
  14. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Yeah man, it's definitely tough. Much tougher than I expected. So I guess this pretty much confirmed I'm an addict haha. I always thought I could stop whenever... now when I'm actually trying to stop, I can't. :eek:

    15 days is nice. Honestly, I feel if I can just push through the strong urges early on, I'll be able to deal with it around the 2 week mark. I just need to get there haha.


    I don't really feel guilty or ashamed.. Let me put it this way. I'm a very competitive person. I played a lot of of sports, and I always tried beating everyone at everything or outperforming them. Whenever I was able to do so, I got pissed. The one sport I seemed to struggle in was Cross Country... the sport where you're basically competing against others, as well as yourself. And I had trouble really pushing myself to beat former times. Now I'm in a battle with myself again..

    Yeah, I've got K9 on my computer and I'm about to get it for my phone.

    Thanks for the welcome and support! I hope you're recovery goes as smoothly as I hope mine does.

    Thanks, man. I definitely need to find other activities. Being on summer break and having no job sucks. A lot of free time on my hands hahaha.

    I'll update as often as I can.
     
  15. xman

    xman New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    I'm gonna try and use your competitiveness for your own good. 8)

    Bitch you're slacking. Me and the other dudes in the journal are beating your ass!

    You gonna be in the 90 days club? Or you gonna be slacker who can't roll with the big boys?

    You gonna let PMO beat you? You gonna let your computer control you? Or you gonna pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the wagon?
     
  16. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    I also started to watch tranny porn! Never thought that would turn me on, but eventually it did and I tried to rationalize it in weird ways...eventually I had to admit, really, I wouldn't do a tranny in real life, this is just a visual stimulation thing, so its definitely caused by visual desensitization. Its getting to be more and more popular for that very reason..

    If you want a new hobby, try learning a new language...think of a place you'd want to visit (maybe a country with a type of girl you want to bone?) and get the rosetta stone program for it. I'm currently learning Japanese and the program is quite fun in an healthy-addictive way. You're learning something and engaging the brain in a good way. At first I thought it would be a pain but now I really enjoy it, regardless of whether I actually need to be fluent in it.
     
  17. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Hahahahaha thanks for this man. Honestly, it did help. As I was reading it, I was thinking to myself, "Yeah... if all these guys can do it, why can't I?"

    I'll try to keep your post in mind when I get an urge.

    Yeah, this definitely wasn't a bright spot in my life. I literally felt sick to my stomach after getting off to tranny porn. Yet, I continued watching. I really hope that rebooting will help me get over it once and for all. Are you over it yet?

    And I'll definitely look for a hobby!
     
  18. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    Personally I didn't feel guilty about watching, but I did start to get concerned that I was altering my orientation. That fear stopped me from watching it a lot. Right now, I feel it would probably still excite me a little bit, but I am not really tempted to look at porn since I've quit (21 days so far). Maybe I will always like it, but I am not going to touch porn again, so I will never see it again, so its not an issue. I am sure as my excitement for porn goes away, the trannies will too, since they were only a porn-oriented fixation. It's not likely I would ever put myself in a position to do one so I'm not worried about it.

    I think this illustrates how our porn addiction is really separate from our sexual selves, it creates excitement for things we really don't have arousal for. I do not lust after trannies, but the visual image of someone else doing one creates excitement. Porn creates such a break between our eyes and bodies.
     
  19. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    [​IMG]

    I'm gonna add some pics to make my journal and journey more interesting.
     
  20. Chicago

    Chicago New Member

    Re: I NEED to quit porn. Chicago's Journal

    What is it with night time?

    Yesterday, I didn't have any urges to PMO or MO at all.. until 12 A.M. my time. Then I relapsed after only a day and a half.

    Today, I felt fine. And right now, I suddenly have a strong urge to MO or PMO again. I'm not falling for it this time. I'm gonna just try to will myself to sleep instead.
     

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