Alot has happened in life. Alot has changed. I am going to start journaling my day to day after I crushed my beautiful wife's heart and world. I've entered us into a world completely opposite of what she believed she was living. Bit of a background of me. I was 12 years old when I started PMO. By 16, the whole world was getting access to porn at home with a some downloading, but very easily. 17 I entered my first relationship. Porn and masterbation were a thing throughout but never spoken about. Even though it wasn't a spoken problem, I still was afraid to speak of it or share that I was doing it. Same happened in the next relationship. Shorter lived, but still happening. After this I was single and it became a part of my daily life for about a year. At this time I was 24 and met my now wife and fell deeply in love with her. Wasn't long before I had watched porn and she found out. It broke her down, we had agreed to not have it in our relationship. Seeing the hurt, I had opted to not watch it anymore. I did stop for 8 years, but for the wrong reasons. I never did stop masterbating however. I told myself that it was a way of life I knew and that people do it. I limited it and most times wouldn't O because of the shame and embarrassment, since again it wasnt agreed to be in the relationship. Plus I was a coward when it came to being honest with her. Always afraid of how disgusting she would think I am. We built a life of being together. Worked together, home together. It left no room for me to watch porn. I did live in fear of losing her, even more so after having our 3 kids. I did start watching it at work however after our 2nd child. We had started working different shifts now, it was during a night shift, and worked with pretty much noone. This continued in different ways in a controlled way, again afraid of losing my family, believing I would stop, feeling gross about myself, and the list goes on. She then found out last week, July 2nd. It came out slowly over 3 days. Each day hurting her again. It felt awful because I could see the damage and with conversations around how the lies, deceit, needing a new place to live, fear of going back to my current work place where I was doing it, and greatest of all, the fears I had of losing my wife and kids. How I never wanted to have a broken family for my kids became a potential reality. It tore through me. It tore through her even more. She felt so many things. How we as a couple were a model to all of our friends, the fun times we had over our 11 year relationship. which moments were real, which were not? How she put so much time into just love for me and always trying her hardest to grow to be a better person. Her want to raise the kids with good morals, her belief that she had a perfect life. Only worries were what project are we going to do next, or when are we hosting a get together next. To tolerate all my broken traits. Being a weak man, non confident, not of a high intellect, and anger, which was a big one. I had resentment for having to hide the monster I was from her. I regularly hated myself when I would hear her same how good of a man I was, when inside I knew I wasn't. Or when anniversary's, or any occasion where being thoughtful and romantic would come up, and I didnt know how to be that for her. I now know that was because of this as well. I could never fully appreciate or fully love her the way one would when in a honest relationship. I could only believe the right way to go would be to change my habits. I no longer want to be held captive to a simple way of living. The way a man shouldn't. I want to grow! After finally having been fully honest more than any point in my entire life, I felt free. It feels amazing, but horrible at the same time because it came at the expense of my wife's feelings, self worth, and security. However, many good things have come from this already. I realise I was not loving her right in many other ways beyond the deceit and lies I put into this. I have been ignoring that our great sex that we are accustomed to having 2 to 3 times a week, wasn't quite that amazing at all.. let me back up slightly, it was no doubt great sex we were having, but more so habitual great sex, not emotionally connected and charged sex. Something I was too blind to see as something that could be even better than. The second night after the truth started to come out, we were both an emotional tired mess. Lack of sleep, tears off and on all day, the boys starting to feel their hours of tv given to them...we needed something different. I love her immensely and she was hurting. We held each other while crying, and the intense need to trace my fingers across her jaw line, eye brows, and every bit of her face while breathing in her scent deeply, it was an epiphany. It brought me back to our first night together, out in the woods on a camping trip staying up all night, air matress in our tent with an ear bud in one of each of our ears. I could feel the exact moment I fell in love her her again while the song clear blue water replayed in my head. Sorry if this is too much, but I have found myself and didn't expect it to be like this. I feel alive. The 3rd and 4th day were very much up and down. I have stopped working for now due to this.. dealing with anxiety attacks, sorrow, etc. We attempted an outing with the kids for the first time. Simple, just a drive and a single stop at the I will now say that my addictions are not all the time or extremely frequent. They have many weeks apart. But that doesn't make it any better. It was caged because of fear. Anyway, I am now ready to be new and be the ME I never could be. I am sure I will add more thoughts over time while I document my journey through no PMO. I also will be posting about how I can do PMO with my wife. Thanks to all who read this.