Changing my life, 36yo, married, children

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NewLife_NewMan, Jul 10, 2020.

  1. NewLife_NewMan

    NewLife_NewMan New Member

    Alot has happened in life. Alot has changed. I am going to start journaling my day to day after I crushed my beautiful wife's heart and world. I've entered us into a world completely opposite of what she believed she was living.

    Bit of a background of me. I was 12 years old when I started PMO. By 16, the whole world was getting access to porn at home with a some downloading, but very easily. 17 I entered my first relationship. Porn and masterbation were a thing throughout but never spoken about. Even though it wasn't a spoken problem, I still was afraid to speak of it or share that I was doing it. Same happened in the next relationship. Shorter lived, but still happening. After this I was single and it became a part of my daily life for about a year.

    At this time I was 24 and met my now wife and fell deeply in love with her. Wasn't long before I had watched porn and she found out. It broke her down, we had agreed to not have it in our relationship. Seeing the hurt, I had opted to not watch it anymore. I did stop for 8 years, but for the wrong reasons. I never did stop masterbating however. I told myself that it was a way of life I knew and that people do it. I limited it and most times wouldn't O because of the shame and embarrassment, since again it wasnt agreed to be in the relationship. Plus I was a coward when it came to being honest with her. Always afraid of how disgusting she would think I am.

    We built a life of being together. Worked together, home together. It left no room for me to watch porn. I did live in fear of losing her, even more so after having our 3 kids. I did start watching it at work however after our 2nd child. We had started working different shifts now, it was during a night shift, and worked with pretty much noone. This continued in different ways in a controlled way, again afraid of losing my family, believing I would stop, feeling gross about myself, and the list goes on.

    She then found out last week, July 2nd. It came out slowly over 3 days. Each day hurting her again. It felt awful because I could see the damage and with conversations around how the lies, deceit, needing a new place to live, fear of going back to my current work place where I was doing it, and greatest of all, the fears I had of losing my wife and kids. How I never wanted to have a broken family for my kids became a potential reality.

    It tore through me. It tore through her even more. She felt so many things. How we as a couple were a model to all of our friends, the fun times we had over our 11 year relationship. which moments were real, which were not? How she put so much time into just love for me and always trying her hardest to grow to be a better person. Her want to raise the kids with good morals, her belief that she had a perfect life. Only worries were what project are we going to do next, or when are we hosting a get together next. To tolerate all my broken traits. Being a weak man, non confident, not of a high intellect, and anger, which was a big one.

    I had resentment for having to hide the monster I was from her. I regularly hated myself when I would hear her same how good of a man I was, when inside I knew I wasn't. Or when anniversary's, or any occasion where being thoughtful and romantic would come up, and I didnt know how to be that for her. I now know that was because of this as well. I could never fully appreciate or fully love her the way one would when in a honest relationship.

    I could only believe the right way to go would be to change my habits. I no longer want to be held captive to a simple way of living. The way a man shouldn't. I want to grow! After finally having been fully honest more than any point in my entire life, I felt free. It feels amazing, but horrible at the same time because it came at the expense of my wife's feelings, self worth, and security.

    However, many good things have come from this already. I realise I was not loving her right in many other ways beyond the deceit and lies I put into this. I have been ignoring that our great sex that we are accustomed to having 2 to 3 times a week, wasn't quite that amazing at all.. let me back up slightly, it was no doubt great sex we were having, but more so habitual great sex, not emotionally connected and charged sex. Something I was too blind to see as something that could be even better than.

    The second night after the truth started to come out, we were both an emotional tired mess. Lack of sleep, tears off and on all day, the boys starting to feel their hours of tv given to them...we needed something different. I love her immensely and she was hurting. We held each other while crying, and the intense need to trace my fingers across her jaw line, eye brows, and every bit of her face while breathing in her scent deeply, it was an epiphany. It brought me back to our first night together, out in the woods on a camping trip staying up all night, air matress in our tent with an ear bud in one of each of our ears. I could feel the exact moment I fell in love her her again while the song clear blue water replayed in my head.

    Sorry if this is too much, but I have found myself and didn't expect it to be like this. I feel alive.

    The 3rd and 4th day were very much up and down. I have stopped working for now due to this.. dealing with anxiety attacks, sorrow, etc.

    We attempted an outing with the kids for the first time. Simple, just a drive and a single stop at the

    I will now say that my addictions are not all the time or extremely frequent. They have many weeks apart. But that doesn't make it any better. It was caged because of fear.

    Anyway, I am now ready to be new and be the ME I never could be.

    I am sure I will add more thoughts over time while I document my journey through no PMO. I also will be posting about how I can do PMO with my wife.

    Thanks to all who read this.
  2. NewLife_NewMan

    NewLife_NewMan New Member

    I will be sure to update this regularly as it is one of the forms of therapy I am wanting to keep me mindful and accountable.

    Today would mark day 8 of our lives changing. It has been much longer since watching porn and masterbating. I had a control over it and had not expected to be accountable for a timeline of when the last time for either of those things have happened. However, I will be starting with the day we last had sex which would be the 5th of July. This will be the date I started the end of PMO to regain my brain, to think normally.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome @NewLife_NewMan, and thanks for sharing your story. That must have been quite a turmoil you've been going through, but I am happy to see that you already see good things coming out of this. It might still be tough at times and I think it is great that you're committed to update here regularly. Good luck!
    NewLife_NewMan and -Luke- like this.
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey @NewLife_NewMan, welcome to the forum! I sense a lot of positivity from your post (and your user name). I wish you all the best on this journey.
    NewLife_NewMan likes this.
  5. NewLife_NewMan

    NewLife_NewMan New Member

    Thanks both of you. I do understand that it will be tough at times. More so with how I better my mind on a regular basis rather than P and M. It's quite shocking how the trauma this is to feel the loss of all you know and have built be at stake. Even though while I was being that other person I knew it, I buried it deep thinking I could stop and one day let her know when the time was right. I was wrong and glad for it.

    Never did I think I was a good enough man, or a real man at all since I was so cowardly. I have trouble thinking for myself, lack confidence in most aspects of my life, bury hard feelings, and the ones I had to face were met with anger. I'm impulsive with most choices I make, most made without putting a second of thought into them, which leads to regret.

    I started reading the book mindfulness, and right off the bat I recognized something that held me back from getting mentally healthier. Trying to change myself with help in any form felt artificial. Those were the words in the book.. it resonated right away. I felt that was the case but couldn't put words to it. I don't feel that way anymore. I am ready and already making changes.

    I have failed a few times already to hold the hard feelings my wife is going through to a high point in my mind. I have disregarded her needs again during this, all because I am hyper focused on my change. Thinking that her wanting to talk about it, causing me anxiety would hinder growing and moving forward. We talked about this and I kept coming up with excuses. Valid I felt, but once all was laid out on the table with how she felt, I regained compassion, told myself not to dwell and push forward to hear her and learn from it.

    We decided to come up with a plan to check in 3x a day to see if there is anything we need to hash out, I will be more mindful of her as well. If I fail tomorrow, next week, or in a month, I will take it as a lesson and push forward again.

    Oh, and no PMO still. Day 8. We had intimacy and sex for near 3 hours last night. I cannot fathom how much I have been missing out with her since I had my brain wired to always think finishing was the only way sex went. Finishing led to numbness and disconnect. I am happy to have found myself and the new ways to love my wife.
    positivef and Shady like this.

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