Changing at 30

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by icandoitnow, Sep 3, 2020.

  1. icandoitnow

    icandoitnow New Member

    I relapsed some minute ago after a binge of some hours (not continuous, i was try to avoid and stop for restart after 10 minutes and now i feel pretty frustrated.
    But before start with the present i have to deal with the past, so this is my story (English is not my mother tongue, sorry). I start with porn near 12~13 i guess. At beginning i start with some hentai, than i discovered furry fandom and, i don't know why, it hooks me in a black hole. It has been gradual, but i start to look it more and more, and also my taste has become more extreme, things that before disgusted me started to excite me. Than i start to be excited by male/male stuff, just the picture, never thought about something with a guy before, but letting it abstract made me excited, just that. Time passed and i start to have fantasy about mature man, just fantasy, but now in that fantasy i was not the spectator anymore, i was in the scene. so i arrived at my 20's and got my first girlfriend, i liked her but seems that pied was already grasped me.. so the shame started. She has been very comprehensive but my shame was to big, after almost an year i chosen to break with her, she cried a lot, i felt like a bastard but i thought i have got just need to stay alone and repair myself. Then i started to isolate myself for a lot until i met another girl, i was 26. I haven't changed my habit so my problem was still there, can't perform... shame. She also was comprehensive and waited for me, until i've managed to avoid porn and finally i've got normal sex, also she was very happy and i felt so proud for the intimacy we have built, but all good things have to end (it seems), i understand that i was not in love with her and her has started to unload all her problems on me, i was fragile, can't bear them anymore, so i break with her too, just for hangout with her for other 6 month, just sex, not so wise and ethic from me..

    pass other 3 year since now, my pied is stronger, also my penis seems shorten on my morning-woods, but i guess it is about my death-hand-grip while i fap and to much cigarettes (i smoke too much, i should quit it too..)

    In any case a month ago i was hangout with a girl, i like she (she also is very problematic but hell, probably all human been are..) and after 3 meeting comes the time to the main event, and guess what, i can't do it.. she started to think she was not enough for me and stupid things like that, so i've got to tell what my real problem was. I was at the phone with her, and i was try to tell her but, just can't, i was feeling paralyzed to tell my problem to some one, my problem with pornography, but after one minute or so of silence i've done it, i told it to here and she said she could understood. I felt destroyed like a man, a very weak man, but that what i'm now, a weak man that have to become stronger.

    Now we finally arrived to the present, at the 11:18 pm of 3rd September 2020, the time that i want quit, i really want it.
    I don't know why this time i should succeed (i've tried so many time in the past) but i have to believe in it for a real commitment, so yes, this is my DAY-ZERO, lets rise up this number!
     
  2. icandoitnow

    icandoitnow New Member

    Morning
    [waked up time: 9:30]
    [cigarettes smoked: 7]
    [pmo craving score: 0]
    [mo craving score: 0]
    [emotional status: tired and lethargic]
    [body: feel some little pain due the heavy smoking of the last period]
    (I calculate my craving scores as:
    1pt) I think i would like to indulge but i can avoid it without will power (low)
    2pt) I feel i would like to indulge but i can avoid with will power (medium)
    3pt)I feel I'm really in need to indulge, i need to use some strategy to avoid it (high)​

    Status

    The house: is a mess, a lot of dishes to be washed and disorder everywhere, it's not good for the mind


    Trigger (Tr) and response to trigger (RTT)

    Tr(n) = Trigger (score of the craving)
    TR1 : when i come back to home from work for my lunch usually i lay down on the couch and watch the phone
    RTT1
    : stop and update my journal (this one)

    TR1(1) -> RTT1 = working
     
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