Cham's Story: I don't know who I am anymore

Getting in a solid run here, been PMO free for 15 days, just about. I have had some close calls, with edging especially. But I'm happy that I did jerk my knee the wrong way or did something stupid that would have prompted the orgasm. I will eliminate edging as well. The last few days have been going well in turns of urges, I think that's because I did manage to have sex last Friday..I was just way too horny..to be honest, the woman wasn't the most attractive..to my standards but it was either going to be porn or her, and I decided her
Eventually, as I advance through my reboot, I will try to abstain from sex as well, but I'm trying to tackle one thing at a time.

 

I'm the same, sometimes in the morning but mostly late at night, I'm always more vulnerable. I hardly ever start looking at porn in the afternoon or the evening, when I'm more active and busy doing other stuff. It's good to know your triggers, it helps to avoid them.

May I suggest going to bed earlier and sleeping with your phone far from your bed? This should help you to avoid triggers when going to bed and right after waking up.

 

That's exactly what I should be doing, it's hard because I think my body is used to watching videos before bed..and I need to stop that habit because it not reducing my quality of sleep..as well as giving me opportunities to relapse

 

Well, haven't posted in a few months..I did have a relapse just moments ago..not porn, just some youtube fap challenge bullshit that I should have known better than to click on. Since I barely watch porn anymore, I have seen that I get very sexually frustrated, and I don't know how to handle that. Sometimes masturbating to some images or whatever is enough to get my urges balanced, but sometimes it is not enough> I wonder if I am a sex addict, because I realized that most girls that I see in school or any surrounding, I end up asking myself whether or not I would have sex with them..and I fantasize..this is twisted, because while it is normal to view some girls that you find attractive in this way, viewing EVERY girl this way is very problematic..

My birthday is coming up in less than a month..and I'll be 25....I started this journal when I was 19..so 6 years of battling this addiction. I do believe that I have made much progress, but its almost like I don't know what the end goal is anymore...is it me reaching 90 days..but when I do that, what comes after. Is it me changing my habits? Well, I've already achieved that.
If the goal is to end ED, I never have that..or did I have problem with getting women.. So I find myself with no concrete goal of why I should be abstaining (besides religious reasons)

Anyway, I'll figure it out

Day 1 here, if it matters

 

Your goal should be to find a women, who helps you overcoming your PIED. Just continue NOFap and start looking for some girls.

 

Cham, my friend. Its been forever. We've both been on this forum for 6+ years. In the time we've been here, people who were children when we first started posting here have literally grown into adults. To still be dealing with this issue almost feels like being in purgatory...but, we're both still in the fight. Bruised and batterred veterans, I'd say.

It seems like an endless road that loops around as a circle -- we build attachments to others, we move on, we find aspects of our youth naive, and we feel pain. I am 25 as you are now. I recall that our birthdays are only days away from each other, and I think I understand the quiet existential crisis of emptiness that you seem to be feeling from time to time.

So what could be missing from your life, my friend? I can't tell you exactly as only you truly know yourself; but for me -- it's been purpose. I've dealt with feelings of inadequacy and fear since my childhood -- a fear that I cannot grow, cannot learn from my mistakes, a fear of being an idiot. At 25, I still don't know much, but I know I'm growing -- even if not as fast as I would want. I'm still struggling with a lot of insecurities and loneliness, but I've come so far in a year compared to who I used to be. I've been on my own for nearly a year now, I am sober, I am in the best shape of my life. It proves to me that I'm not as hopeless as I thought.

Cham, I still firmly believe that you are the man. As I write this message, I remember all the times you wrote extensively on your relationship with Ericka and even some of the humorous events you had while in college. I remember when we both turned 21 and said we gotta kick this habit too . I understand how much life has changed for all of us (the original frequenters of these forums) and how in many aspects things have stayed the same. I just want to say Cham: Ain't no quitting round here. Chin up, my man. Keep pushing.

 

Hey guys, myself I am in the same boat as you guys. I am turning 25 this year as well.. I started this journey of nofap about in beginning of 2014 as well. I took this addiction very seriously at the beginning and hence I recovered in July 2015. I was fine from July 2015 until February 2018. During July 2015 to Feb 2018, even though I was feeling fine mentally, I kept PMOing and fapping. That is why from February 2018 until about 1st May 2018 I had severe withdrawals and mentally was very weak. I didnt even go out anywhere. Wasn't social with anyone. I am currently on day 89.

All I'm saying is guys, if you keep failing in this journey and fapping and relapsing then the bad days will be there. You have to fight with all you have got and just persevere to not fap at all.

I am currently feeling good now, mentally alot more clear. But it just shows that if you keep falling into PMO and fapping, it will keep on hurting you.

Message me if you want any help... Just look at my journal and my previous posts and you will see what pain I've experienced.

 

Daimon!

Nice to hear from you my dear friend. Thanks for your message, it really does mean a lot to me. It is also somewhat comforting to see someone who has been here since the beginning. You even mentioning Erika brings so many memories to me..I haven't seen or spoken to her in years..
Life is interesting like you said, some things change and some never changes. I'm hoping for both our sake, that addiction to porn/sex/lust/ is one of those aspects of us that will change. I do believe it will. I was always a late bloomer, and I have a feeling that you are too. People who started with us has either given up or kicked the habit already, but I think that if we don't give up, we will be victorious. We will achieve our goals.

I want to say that I'm proud of you. Very happy to hear that you have moved out and have improved yourself. Please do keep me updated. And as you mentioned, "keep pushing".

 

Thank you for your message. Day 89+ is very impressive, and I will check out your journal to see your personal journey.

 

I have given up on me posting in this journal on a daily basis, it made sense for me to do so in the beginning of my journey but it is obsolete for me now. However, I do get these moments where I do feel like posting. One of those moments are like when I relapse.
Which I did today.

And you know what was the interesting thing, I relapse after accomplishing a goal of mine, I relapse as a way to celebrate...I was elated and wanted to increase the euphoria. Did it? ..for a few seconds, and now its like my accomplishment didn't happen. Obviously, it still did. But I don't feel like I accomplished anything. I feel apathetic towards it.


Have you ever had the feeling like you had a major breakthrough, like now you have the template to some impossible problem? This is how what I felt today after I relapse. I know how I will beat this. It is not anything revolutionary or anything new. Just something that I never truly tried out. I will detox myself from the world..or I should say the digital world. I convinced my friend to go on a retreat with me for a couple weeks. I will not bring my laptop..I have to bring my phone but will delete safari and internet surfing apps using a passcode that I'll give my brother. I'm going to reboot myself.
Hopefully, this will be the kickstart that I need. The wake up call.

At this point in my life, I have achieved many of the goals that I wrote to myself in the beginning of this journal. I have changed and sculpted my body. I am on the verge of finishing a PhD. I have access to amazing, beautiful, and creative women in my life. I have an excellent relationship with my family and friends. I am not saying this to brag or boost my esteem. Take a look at this screenshot from my phone.




This is a screenshot from this app I have been using to record my streak of no pmo for the last 6 months. Do you see what my average stretch is... 2.97 days.
This means that on average, I cannot say away from porn for more than three days. That is horrible and probably the worst that anyone has done in this forum, considering the span of 6 months. I am horrible at this, and I haven't done enough. Even with everything else in my life being good, this is destroying me. I am ran by compulsions, severely addicted.
This has to stop. I have to be serious about this. I cannot live with an addiction that I cannot control.

Hopefully, this retreat is the beginning of something great. Of me finding myself again. My spiritual side.

I'll keep the journal updated throughout the process.

 

I think it's a great idea to disconnect yourself from the internet. One time I went several months without internet (on purpose) and it felt amazing. We're so used to the online environment that we don't even notice how toxic it can be... But the fact that we don't notice it doesn't make it any less toxic.

Needless to say it should also make it easier for you to stay away from PMO since you'll be disconnected from an infinite source of porn, i.e. the internet. We're all alcoholics living in a liquor store, our "fix" is always within arms's reach. That's what makes porn addiction so different (and in a way, worse) than other addictions, the object of our addiction is always readily available to us at all times.

You'll be stepping out of the liquor store and that will be great.

 

The support that I've gotten through this forum and journal cannot be understated. It has been a great source of strength and motivation in me going through this journey of NoFap. Unfortunately, though I have made progress, I have seen myself regressing in the last few months, and now I am back to the routine of Pmoing three to four times a week. This is disheartening because I've being on the NoFap train since age 19 and now I am 25. I am relapsing in the same frequency that I was at 19. But not all is lost, I have made progress in other areas of my life because of this journey and have learn many things about myself.

I think that one of the reasons that I relapse so much is not that I am addicted to porn, but I am addicted to the female form. If I want to fix my porn problem, I have to fix that addiction. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about enjoying the female form. My body is designed to want and desire that. However, the constant, repetitious, obsessive thoughts that I have about women are not healthy. I do believe that I am a sex addict at this point, not porn addict. I have lost count of how many women I have been with, which is absurd considering that I grew up wanting to just be with 1-2 women. All those experiences have not fulfilled me. I had some great sexual experiences but after some time my mind forgets and I want it again, with someone different. I've also been serial dater. Most of those experiences were not one night stands, I don't enjoy those, but experiences with women that I built a good rapport with. I have fun with them for a few weeks and then move on to the next. It's a vicious cycle, because a lot of money and time is wasted. Dinner, movies, drinks, etc... Those add up and I've wasted money that could have been used for other useful things. And for what? for experiences that do not fulfill. It's empty and I feel it chipping away my soul. I long for my innocent days where I wanted to be with just one exceptional woman.

I recently met a woman, let's call her Gyna. Gyna is one of those exceptional woman that I thought of in the past. She is refined, smart, extremely ambitious. She's going to law school in an ivy league. She still finds time to volunteer and help those in need. She also has her own ecommerce business. On top of all that, she's stunning and one of the most beautiful woman that I have met. Incredible. And I'm also leaving many other attributes of her. Anyway, obviously, I'm attracted to this woman so I approach her and make my move. She is receptive to it and we exchange information and we even hung out a couple of times. Gyna is everything that I would want..but for some reason, and for the first time in my life, I felt undeserving. It is hard to explain, but when I was speaking with her and we were having a good time, I could feel my phone vibrate over and over again. The phone vibrating due to all the other women in my life, ones that I don't have any real feelings for. Gyna made it clear that she is a monogamous person and is loyal.
With my addiction, I couldn't promise that I could do the same. So I distanced myself from her. From this special woman that will probably be taken off the market soon. Girls like her don't stay single for long. I lost out on an opportunity because of my addiction. Some of you may wonder why I just didn't go for it and give it a shot. The answer is simple, I am ADDICTED. I haven't broken the addiction, if I had decided to be with her, my addiction wouldn't magically disappear. It is almost a guarantee that I wouldn't have been loyal. For me to be with her, or a girl like her, I need to be healed. Inside and out.
I am not deciding to be healed because of any person, obviously, this is something that I have been trying to do for years, but now that I've experienced this...it made it more real. The opportunities that this addiction can make me lose.

I've decided to make a major life change. I am moving to a new city in a couple weeks. The city that I currently live in has about 300,000 inhabitants, I've been living here for 10 years. I have many friends and memories. A lot of these memories are posted on my journal lol But these are holding me back. I need to start anew. I've already signed the new lease, and I'm set to go. The second week of January I will be moving to a city where I know practically nobody (my brother does live there, so he would be the only person I know). This city has about 800,000 inhabitants so way larger than my home city and also more opportunities. I already found a job that will be paying me a decent wage (while I'm still in school, working on my phd) .

I need something new. I think to help myself in breaking this addiction, I will have to develop new routines. I picked a place that is a 10 minute walk from the gym. I plan on waking up early in the morning, taking cold showers. I won't be drinking anymore or very rarely. Developing new habits was difficult because I was in a familiar place, friends would be hitting me up to go out and drink, girls hitting me, etc.. but in a new city, I won't have those temptations.
I want to go four months without any sexual intercourse..but not just that, no dating, no dating apps, no hookups, no porn
I want these four months to be focused on myself. Growing myself to be the man that I always dreamt of being. A strong, loyal, kind, disciplined man. I know that I have it within me, I just need to get serious and tap into it.


I will keep the journal updated throughout this process, the good and the bad.

 

Today is the 31st, the last of 2018. This was an interesting year, one of my most difficult year to date. Dealt with many issues and uncertainties. Uncertainty about my identity, having such a big gap between who I am and who I want to be. Uncertainty about my finances, due to my stupid actions, I spend alot of money that resulted in me being broke for about four months.
Thankfully, these uncertainties have mostly been resolved and I am ending 2018 on a high note. I have high expectations for myself in 2019, and me moving and starting over is the right way to start this off.
2019 will be the year of freedom. Freeing myself from the chains of addictive habits, negativity, and distractions. This year, I will make strides towards the goals that I set forth for myself as an ambitious 19 year old.
I hope that everyone has a good new years day and that they renew themselves and tackle 2019.

 

Hi Cham - thanks for that honest post. I agree with many of the things you've said and I've always enjoyed following your journey.

Did you ever go on that retreat you mentioned in June? Do you think you have a problem with Internet use in general? I think the Internet is a major culprit in this addiction, and even more than just porn. For the past few years, I've tried to never take my phone or tablet with me on vacation, and every time that disconnect of a few days to weeks did wonders to my mental and emotional state. Sadly, whenever I come back home, I just go back to the same old pattern.

Good luck with the move. That's certainly a good chance to change things.

 

Hey Cham, buddy! It's crazy we've been on this website for like 7 years...we'll kick it, though. How's life been coming along?

 

Things have been pretty crazy in my life, as always. I am living in a new city and with a new job. Still in graduate school, will be done in about a year and half. I have been able to slow down my pmo use in the last few weeks, but it has been very difficult. I feel like I replaced with it with sex. There was a point and time where I was doing it every day of the week, and it was as draining as continual PMO use. So I have learned that it is not always the best to replace one thing with another.

Last weekend, I decided to go on a trip to meet my ex. Erika Alexandra. Hadn't seen her in years.
We decided to meet up and have dinner and talk about how our relationship went and get some closure. She may have gotten it but it went the opposite route for me
I realized how much love I still have for her, and knowing that she is not reciprocating those feelings to me anymore. She has changed too, not the pure college freshman that I use to write and ponder about in these forums.
She is colder, sharper, and rude. The city life has enveloped her previous soft and alluring aura..maybe it has even altered it.

Still, seeing her and hanging out with her actually was rough on me..and now I am left with regret and a soften heart. She said that she is thinking about us getting back together...but the way that I heard it, it seemed to me that she doesn't think its going to work, but was willing to see me to get closure and finalize that chapter. To my expense.

I'll write more about this later but this feeling of a broken heart is one of the most painful feelings that I have ever felt. I started to regret even ever meeting her at all in life...for a person to have the ability to make me feel this way..its scary.
I do feel better now but I'm still affected by seeing her. I am not sure what is going to happen.

What I do know, though, is that I can use this feeling to my advantage. Because I feel so dull and heartbroken, it has allowed me to not lust after other woman, PMO, or indulge in other non productive activities. The feeling, so to speak, has SOBERED me up.
It's painful but it has its benefits.
I am really tired so sorry if my message is disjointed. I will post another update soon.

 

Ah, I see. I remember eagerly looking forward to your updates on Erika Alexandra back in the day. Ypur stories were always vivid and very descriptive. I'm sorry that you felt that way upon encountering her, Cham. I know that must have been hard. And yes, people change a LOT. I'm not surprised she has become that way but it is very unfortunate. Time tends to change us to stone.
A lot of women at that age (our age) based upon how I'm beginning to understand life become a lot more pragmatic and start caring a lot more about a man's materialistic assets rather than the man himself. If you're able to find a gem, then power to you brother.
I still believe in you, bro. We're of the cloth of people who have struggled with this addiction on perhaps a pathological level. We've struggled a lot longer than many people on here, or maybe we're just a few of those who have continuously chronicled their struggles near close to a decade. Keep pushing forward bro. Never quit.

 

I wrote like five paragraphs giving an update to my life, and when I tried to post, an error came up on the forum. I would be pissed in the past, but it's okay. I'll post again at a later date.

I have restarted my counter, back to day 1 - I stopped the noFap journey..one can even say that I took an extended break on the whole project. But I am not someone that can do that forever. I am back on it starting today.
I will try my best. I will never quit.

 

Relapsed.. It's been hard to get a routine due to Covid. Working from home has not helped either. Things would be easier if we could go back to normalcy..but it looks that is a faint dream at this point.

Still, I have to figure out how to not relapse when I am staying extended periods of time at home.

 

Hello all,

Reading through old messages, comments, and posts has me feeling nostalgic. First time I posted on here, I was 18 years old. I will turn 28 in just a few months. If I could give advice to my 18 year old self, there are many things that I would tell him to change. I always wished I had an older brother, one that could have guided me and helped me understanding my naive thinking. I was a good kid, I learned early on that I wanted to defeat my porn addiction, I knew that I wanted to excel in life and to take what it had to offer. I thought I had the potential to be great, and that made me arrogant.
My arrogance made me lose the love of my life, made me ruin friendships, and alienated me from the virtues that I held so dear to me.

I have been humbled and sobered from life. My optimism hasn't vanished but my light doesn't shine as bright as it once was. I find myself haunted by my past decisions and the guilt that stems from it. Will time heal these wounds, we will see?
Even though I have people who love me around, I still feel empty -
I've gone back to porn and sex to use as it a coping mechanism - but the relief is brief.

Like I wrote to Daimon, however, I will not stop. I still believe that there will be a light at the end of the road. I know that because I have seen success stories in this forum, from all different types of people. Why not me? As the year 2021 comes by, what will be different?

For those who are interested in my personal life, here is a brief update.
I am now living with two other roommates, they were going through some tough time and need a place to crash for a few months. Their company has been good.
I am about 8 months away from completing my doctorate. I will be the second person in my family with a PhD. It was a long process, but am eager to finally complete it.
I am looking to probably move away from this current city in the next 10 months. I've been here two years, and I am ready for a change.

I think the COVID lockdown has generally been negative, but I've managed to find some good and be productive.


Overall, I still need to not use porn as a mechanism for relief of my pain.