Cham's Story: I don't know who I am anymore

I've made a major major mistake...one that is potentially life altering..writing here is probably the only thing I can do to calm myself down..there's nobody I can reasonably talk to about this..
Long story short..I had sex with a tranny...random encounter..she was probably a worker, though she didn't ask me for money..i went to a club and got drunk, saw what I thought to be a really good look woman. After talking to her, she said she lived nearby..I was like okay. and I went to her place..immediately, she started to give me oral. Unprotected oral. After two minutes, I was like ready to move on to the next, and she put on a condom, then I penetrated her anally. While I was doing this, the room was dark, so there's a lot of things I could see, but when I reach down I felt a penis..and that's when I realized that I was having sex with a person born male..
While that moment hit me, I went on for a few seconds and ejaculated, and she took off the condom. I then asked her if what she was, and she said that she was a tranny. I felt deceived and angry. I asked her immediately, about STDS ( I know that anyone, even females can have it, but it is more prevalent among certain groups) she said that she was clean and she always uses a condom. I immediately grabbed my stuff and left.
This happened last night..
Two things are going through my mind
First is the risk of HIV and STD, I've never had to think about thiis before, and now it has been plaguing my mind for the last 15 hours..I've been doing more research but there still alot I don't know. For example, I was using a condom, but after we were done, she took it off..and it was dark..what if the condom had broken..I wouldn't have known, and there is also the oral sex part...
This is plaguing my mind

The second thing on my mind is my sexuality...though a tranny, in our society, has become separated from male...it doesn't stop my mind from thinking that I did have sex with a man...and this is not something that I can just brush off, it will haunt me..anyone who knows me here (have read my journal) know why this is a substantive problem
This is really depressing stuff to me

But my biggest worry is the STD risk..
what if I got HIV...this would be the end of my life as I know it...
I don't know what to do anymore..my sexual habits have come back to me...I look back and remember when I practiced abstinence..and now look at me...I've done a 180..
I'm not the same person anymore
fuck
fuck
fuck

 

Hey man that's unfortunate. But try and be realistic. Yes you should worry about having got an STD and this episode should serve as a lesson for the rest of your life. But then don't blame yourself too much. You went with her with the image of a woman in your mind and that's coherent with your sexuality. And just for your comfort I would say that not all people who have sex with an HIV+ person get infected in a single incident of unprotected sex. There is some small chance (probably less than 1%) and that is of course if she turns out to be infected. So keep this as a learning experience for the future. And remember to get HIV test done at the appropriate time.

 

Thanks for your words, the incident was protected sex, and I actually still had the girl's number (she gave it to me at the bar when I thought she was just a girl) and so I texted her and asked her if she was clean and the last time she got tested
She responded:
"I am clean. I get tested every 3-2 months. I always use condom. Your condom did not break. I wouldn't try to hurt you, I don't know why you are so worried. I WOULDN"T HURT YOU INTENTIONALLY"

So that what she wrote, the biggest thing for me was about the condom and also that she does get tested, though I wish it was more regularly..anyway, given that I did use a condom and that it didnt break ( I didn't think it did, but I was being paranoid) I can assume that I have the lowest risk for getting an STD..but the risk is still there...
You are right bro, this is definitely a lesson that I will not forget, and it sucks that you have to wait such a significant time for the testing to be done and give an accurate diagnosis

 

hi man,

your story sounds exactly like me... form the stories of your school being a quite shy kid etc. all the escaping from lifes problems and feelings with PMO. i literally felt like i was reading a story about myself.

im the same as you, i dont have any ED problems. i get rock hard erections sometimes can masturbate and orgasm so many times....

same as you my bro i agree we have mastrubation addictions, this is a form of OCD obsessive compulsive disorder where masturbation is our fix to escape for problems and any feelings that we dont know how to deal with. and porn just makes things even worse because it gives a bigger fix and high then even masturbation or real sex can give. its like taking drugs.

only problem is i dont know how to get off it..., ive been trying for the last 4 years to get off it and been doing it for over the last 7 years

 

just red this man, it was a mistake, forget it. it doesnt change at all who you were. you didnt do it intentionally. the person should have told you before hand.

just hang in there things will get better. you need to make changes man in your lifestyle. stop going to bars, stop drinking, stop having ilicit sex, stop all your bad habits etc some will be easy some will be harder. but the more you stop the better person you will become. you have the power to put a stop to all these devastating actions.

religion is something which can help you clean your life... for me im a virgin my religion keeps me clean from doing anything wrong, things which i sometimes think i wish i was allowed to do... but now i realise why god has a set of rules for us because he knows what the best way of life is for us. in saying this i am a religious and very good and kind person but my biggest struggle is with PMO due to my OCD for masturbation. im not a religion thumper but it can really help.

look at it this way did older generations have sex with random people day in day out? NO. Did people even 100 years ago have smartphones, stress, work, life pressures? its society and modernisation that is causing us all these issues and we feel we need to be like what they are teaching us.

humans were designed to live in a small village, marry 1 lady barely see other ladies and do farming and live a simple life. Now we have literally billions of random hot women at our fingertips.... alcohol, our brain is not developed to cope with how fast the world has changed and thats why sometimes sticking to religion is the best thing any one can do becuase it shows you how to live life and what to do and what not to do.

im not going to tell you that religion will fix all your problems but learning and finding out the true religion of god will perhaps motivate you to stop doing things which you possibly thought were okay or normal to do and slowly you can self improve into the person you so want to be. Eg. alcholol, ilicit sex without marriage.

im not going to tell you what religion, but study the main ones out there without a biased mind and study with an open heart and honestly believe and listen to what your creator is telling you.

no matter what happens everything will be okay trust me on that its an old cliche but time will heal. its just a matter of how much time.

 

Wow man, I don't even know what to tell you.

Right now the best thing you can do is to wait the necessary amount of time to get tested, though it seems this person does get tested often. The risk of infection to a man via oral is really, really low, if existent at all.

And I know it is easier said than done, but you shouldn't question your sexuality because of that. You were deceived, manipulated. It wasn't a conscious decision to have sex with a person born male (and even if it was, I personally don't think having sex with a trannt is "gay", it's more of a sexual deviation).

Take a deep breath and try to calm down, one mistake cannot define who you are. Lots of people here made even bigger mistakes and moved on, you can do the same, I know it.

 

Hi Cham, I am sorry to hear that. I hope you're doing better now. As others have said, the chance of getting HIV in that scenario is low. All the best.

 

Cham, my man. Long time no converse! Hang in there, big guy. I know that experience must have been extremely traumatic. Even with all of that shit that just happened; you're still an inspirational person to me. Please don't fall into the rabbit hole.

 

Cham, how are you doing man? That's nuts really. I don't know the proper way to respond. It's been a while since I've been on these forums, but I'm back now. Can't really believe it.

Do you know if you have an STD? That was July so you should know something by now. I hope you're ok. I know that this shit can be really tough to deal with. Sometimes I get the strangest urge to watch beastiality and it always makes me sick just watching it, but doing something like that in real life. I can imagine it can change you and it being hard to deal with. Not too long ago I saw a real rape porn scene where these two guys tie up a girl's boyfriend, tape his mouth, then rape his girl right in front of him. It was so fucked up. I couldn't sleep that night. I felt traumatized. I felt sorry for her, for the guy, for me. I felt helpless, because I couldn't prevent it from happening. I also felt worthless because I was still masturbating and aroused while watching it.

So I'm terribly sorry.

Honestly, I believe that we can forgive ourselves, even for some things that like that. It may be a sign to be more careful.

all the best man... still wished we could have done the accountability thing. Really bugs me that I didn't commit like I should have. PM me if you need to talk to someone.

 

Thanks for your message. Actually, and the people who have been following me since the beginning of my journey, I am religious. I do have a faith system, and I stayed a virgin until I was 21, and believed in staying one until marriage..but I deviated from ways..and definitely have changed dramatically since my teenage years. I am trying hard to get back on track to be who I know I am and how I can be. You were right, though, time does heal. And I definitely feel better now than I did back then.

Thanks for your message

 

Cid, you know me..you know how that event was the furthest thing from I've stood for all these years. This tells me that the degradation that porn does to the brain is real...meaning that it alters behavior. That's why porn needs to be completely shut down from my life. Though, your words are interesting..that tranny sex can argued to not be gay but a deviation..practically and scientifically, it cannot be argued that it is gay since the person is biologically a male..I wished I just hadn't been told..
I've accepted that reality, and have made my peace with this fact. It won't kill me. What matters is what I do from here.

Thanks Cid

 

Yes, I know. I guess that when things like that happens, people freak out and assume the worst. It's a natural inclination. I am doing better now.

Daimon! Hey bro, thanks for your message. I'm sure that you are disappointed with what I've done..it is so far from what I stand for and believe in. But I didn't fall in the rabbit hole, I almost did..I almost wallowed in my misery, and plunge into the abyss of nothingness. Basically, I almost gave up on self improvement and NoFap and would have continued in my ways. But I've recovered. No matter how many times I fall and fail, no matter how many times I trip, I will NEVER give up. That's the way that I've decided to live my life. A life of perseverance, I know that reality is a battle, and I won't give in. IT is for that reason that I can keep going.
Thanks for you words.

 

Hey Ace, thanks for your message.. I took a test very soon after it happened, and everything was negative..however, the doctors did tell me that I need to take a test a few months after because some of these test don't catch stuff this soon. So, I'm actually going to take another test next week. From what the doctors said, the likelihood of me having something is extremely low. But I won't be reassured until I know for sure, however, this is not something that I think about all the time. I've been able to move on past this.

The truth is that this was extremely tough on me. I don't consider myself bisexual or gay. I've never even watch gay porn. I have seen some tranny porn, but it was never a thing of mine. And it was definitely not something that I wished to do in real life. So when this happened, I felt like my identity was gone forever. Like I cannot take back that happened. For the rest of my life, I am stuck with the fact that I had sex with a biologically male, though the appearance made them look like a woman. This was eating me away. But then, something clicked.

I realized that I need to give up on the idea that I am pure, chaste, good, moral, or any of that. I gave those up a long time ago when I started watching porn. Me trying to hang on to those ideals was what made it tough for me to live with myself..the shame and guilt was killing me. I needed to let those go. Those ideas about myself. I realized this when I spoke to my brother who is a veteran. He told me about his experience in the army, and the stuff he had to do, the stuff he had done. The innocent lives that died..kids, etc.. and his involvement in them. He said that to complete his duty, he had to let go of his humanity, of the notion that he was a good person, so that he could fulfill his duty.

I don't want to compare what happened to me to something like that. But this is the mindset that I've adopted. Yes, I've watched porn, had sex with multiple girls, sex with a tranny, all things that compromises the ideal I set for myself. But even though this happened, I cannot give up from my goal, from my duty. I must keep going, and I accept the things that happened.

I realized that the only truth that matters to me now is 'perseverance', the idea that I will not give up and will do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams and goals..no matter what happens, I could have sex with a goat..that will not stop me from grinding and doing what I need to do. Because that's the mindset of a soldier, the mindset of a warrior.

This doesn't mean that I will do these things again, I will fight to become more pure, more chaste, more moral. But I gave up on the idea that I am those things. It's the pursuit of these goals that I care about now.

 

Who cares if you have sex with a tranny? You aren't hurting anyone by doing it. In the end we're primates on a rock nothing really matters in the end lmao so you're right to just move on from it and enjoy your life

 

That's your view of reality, a viewpoint that I don't share...I believe life has meaning and a purpose..which I why I care about my actions and doing what I believe in

Thanks for your message.

 

Hey guys,

Just an update on the STD situation..I've gotten tested and I am clean. Nothing to worry about for that. The chances were low anyway.
Besides that, I have been relapsing every 5-6 days, so averaging one PMO session a week. Not happy about that, but Im waiting for Finals to
be over so I can start afresh..not the best mentality but I need to concentrate on doing well on my exams first then everything else later

Hope everyone is doing well, I'll be lurking around the forum this week

 

Hey man, just stumbled upon your journal.

I'll be praying for you that you overcome the temptation to look at pornography. Keep up the great work and I hope you do well on your finals.

 

I think he meant that you shouldn't flagellate yourself too much over that incident (easier said than done, but still). You didn't hurt anyone and you were tricked into doing it. It wasn't a choice, therefore it's not on your account. We tend to blame ourselves for things that make us ashamed and confused, but that wasn't your fault.

Almost everyone here has skeletons in their closet and thing they regret, but they move on despite of that. You can do the same, move one and just leave that behind. It doesn't define you in any way.

 

The new year is approaching, and I am contemplating about my life, the good and the bad. I generally think that I have done well for myself up to this point. I also recognize that nofap has had a big contribution to my life. I am far from cured..and to be honest, the last few months or so, I haven't been taking nofap as seriously and have indulged in porn. However, looking at the big picture, nofap has helped me develop discipline that has translated into other areas of my life. I have completed my masters, and am on the verge of completing a PhD. I have been able, through hard work, sculpt my body. I went from a skinny tall kid, to a dominating figure. I have also gained deep friendships, and have a close knit bond with my family, due to the time that I spend away from porn and the internet. The point of this post isn't to boast, but I am making the point that though I have been doing nofap since I was 19years old, ( I am now 24) and haven't made earth shattering progress ( I still watch porn occasionally) I have reaped many benefits from just being in the process of nofap. Anyone who is reading this journal thinking about nofap, I encourage you to keep fighting because there are tremendously benefits from the process, and even more if one is able to beat the addiction. I haven't beaten the addiction yet, and I will. But at this time, I am grateful and reflecting over what has happened over the last 5 years.

 

Almost had a relapse today, to be honest, I'm not really sure how I didn't relapse. I edged for almost an hour without orgasm and got so close to it that any jerking movement would have set me off. I escaped the bullet. For me, most of my relapses happen before I head to sleep or when I wake up. I tend to check my phone during that time, and this when I can wander and search stupid things. I keep saying that I won't use my phone as much, but the phone is an addictive object as well. Not as much as porn, but its' hard to go without checking notification every 10 minute ( I know this girl that checks her phone literally every minute)
Anyway, though I have a counter, I don't check it so i don't know what day I am on, I am just happy that I don't have to reset it. It will notify me when I get to 90 days.
My winter break is fast ending, and I am getting ready to go back to the grind.
Hope everyone is doing well.
Cheers.