Cham's Story: I don't know who I am anymore

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chammorrow, May 10, 2013.

  1. FranklyPut40

    FranklyPut40 Member

    Re: The Will To Never Give Up

    You da man cham. You'll reach those 180 days man. Keep striving.
     
  2. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration of Independence

    I've started to post here more frequently again, I want to make that a habit for me until I reach 180days.
    The thing about that number is that I don't believe that 180 is any special number ( but 42 is, right Cid lol ) but I want to be able to say that I had a goal in mind and I achieved it. 180 is an arbitrary number for me, but it symbolizes my declaration of independence from Porn and random MO's. The man that I want to become cannot be a man that is controlled by substances, images, and impulse. I need to be a man that is can direct his own action, make his will reality, and be more than what he used to be.

    I have aspiration to make dents in this world, to make people's lives better. I could have taken the other route, use my degree to get into Wall Street and live a very comfortable life. But that would have been an empty life. I want to push myself to the limit and do whatever I can to affect positively the people around me and beyond. For me to maximize my chances of that, I need to be a man worthy of such a role. I am not there yet. That is the reason why I'm so obsessed over self realization, self improvement, and self-worth.
    Porn is a poison in my life, I have done a good job to have made it a secret part of my life but it still affects me, it is still something that is hovering over my head.
    I want to finally lay this problem to rest. 180 days, this will be my assault on porn, this is when I finally take control of my life and show that dopamine receptors cannot overcome the human will.
    I won't be able to do it by myself, I'll need the help from this forum, my friends in the forum, my loved ones, and God.

    It will be hard but it has to be done.

    I'm on day 9, and I'm feeling great. I had a wet dream last night...and boy was the orgasm massive... I won't lie, it felt good..but when I woke up, I didn't relapse, I didn't return to porn, I didn't feel bad for something that I couldn't control. I got my butt up and went straight to work.

    This is the kind of determination that I need.
     
  3. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    Hey Cham.. hope things are well with you. They are not with me. I have relapsed back into P and even PMO so we should officially start this duel now. You will be a couple of weeks ahead already, but I won't give in starting now.
     
  4. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    I hope that everything is okay, and all right sounds good dude.

    Day 16

    Making some real progress right now, and I'm very happy about it. My girlfriend left back home this wednesday, and like I predicted before, her being here made it virtually impossible for me to relapse and watch porn. It's great to have that fortune, but now that she's gone, and I have to seriously keep riding the wave and not falter. I've had a couple of wet dreams over the last couple of days but enough to make me relapse or go on a binge. I feel pretty good generally.
    I am a bit anxious because of a scholarship (more like a graduate assistanship) that I applied for a month ago, and they were suppose to get back to me on July 1st, but I still haven't heard anything. I REALLY REALLY want this assistanship, but the more days that passed, the less it looks likely. I'll still pray about it, and who knows, it is only the first week. Maybe the lady is on vacation or something.

    I have been consistently working out and that's a good thing, I was feeling tired during my workout today and this girl walked in ( i usually work out very early in the morning so it's usually just me and my friend Ty) and that gave me a boost in my energy and I finished the workout strong. It's funny how the male body works.
     
  5. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    Did a bit of edging...just now..man was so close to a relapse..but it feels like a relapse..even had a bit of precum
    Damn it!! I don't want to start this freaking cycle again, not when I'm doing so good
    I can already tell the difference between being alone and not. Hopefully, this doesn't push me too far back


    Update: REALLY TEMPTED TO JUST SAY F IT AND BINGE ON SOME PORN RIGHT NOW...MAN THAT RUSH IS REAL....BUT I CAN'T, AND I WON'T
     
  6. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    Get out of your computer and put your celphone away!
     
  7. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    Sorry guys...
     
  8. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    I relapsed..it wasn't when I posted that last post. I actually went to sleep right after posting that I wouldn't relapse. But then when I woke up, the way my body felt..
    it was inevitable..almost

    This is crazy, the difference between my girlfriend being here and not being here is so dramatic...it was like having a cheat code.
    And now I need to do the rest of this reboot without that aid, which is a good thing since it's better to be independent for something like this rather than dependent on a person being there. The crazy part is that she doesn't know about her effect or even the problem that I have. After my last relatinoship with Erika, I've learned that there are some things that aren't worth sharing with your significant other. Some battles are purely internal.

    Anyway, this last relapse induced some weird sort of Apathy..I read in a book that we are like smartphones. We have all these apps running that are draining our energy and making us less efficient. This apathy is sort of of power saving mode for me, all of the unnecessary apps are off. I don't really care about anything right now except my basic needs. It's probably temporary, but it's interesting.
     
  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    Hey, no need to apologize. Nobody is judging and you shouldn't as well.

    You don't need me to tell you to not kick yourself too much, and to take action to prevent further relapses instead. I totally get this apathy you're feeling, I'm going through something similar right now, even though I haven't PMO'd in a while.
     
  10. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
     
  11. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    All right, so i relapsed today...and to be honest, I do feel bad but not that bad..it was "voluntary" relapse..

    So I've been trying to do all work all day, but my mind was clouded with just sexual lust, and yesterday at work, this woman (very attractive) was hitting on me...so all this sexual frustration was on me. Usually, I can go work out, or play pick up basketball, but that wasn't an option today and I wanted to get work done..so I relapsed...I let one go..

    and guess what, I felt more relax, and I started to get stuff done.

    I HATE that..this is EXACTLY what an addiction does..like caffeine or cigarettes, your brain wants it so badd that you cannot even fully function or do anything without having it. and that's what happen today
    I tried resetting my counter, but for some reason, the link is redirecting me to a new blog (is anyone else experiencing that) oh well, I'll just document today as Day 0 and move on
    I feel bad for the relapse, but happy that my mind is clear and I can get work done

    So next week, I will be competing on obstacle course in Philly..anyone around that area who wants to link up, PM me, it's going to be fun, and we will be competing for a charity cause for veterans..
    my goal for the competition is to be in the top ten of finishers

    School starts back up in like three weeks, which I'm actually pretty excited for..it's funny to me that I started this journal when I was a measly full hair head freshman and now I'm this bald guy working on a PhD (and two masters)..my porn problem has been the only constant. So much has changed about me, some for good and some for bad
    To all the younger readers, make the most of your years, they go by fast {and I'm well aware that I'm only 23, but it feels like I was 19 not long ago.wow}

    Anyway, this

    Day 0

    My longest run has been 14 days this summer, and that was when my girlfriend was here. I also know that the days that I work, I don't relapse (today was my off day)..and I also know that when the semester start, I will not be relapsing (too many things going on)

    So the goal is not to have too many relapse before school starts...or at all, ideally

    Still waiting to hear on the scholarship that I applied for...
    I'm assuming that I didn't get it, but it would be nice to formally know
     
  12. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    Day 2
    Feeling like crap after that relapse...

    I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided to go on diet experiment. I'll go full vegan for a month and see the changes that it does to me. I'll start August 1st.
    I've been thinking about doing this for a longgg time, but could never commit, but now i think I should. I also think that it will help me internally and with my reboot as well.
     
  13. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Declaration Of Independence-The Assault From Cham

    Having some self-esteem issues..

    My skin has been breaking out really bad all summer, and it's leaving scars all over my cheeks, also have a couple in my forehead
    hopefully, it's just a phase

    I've been rather moody the last week or so, going in between happiness and despair...kinda sucks

    Maybe starting school again in two weeks will level me out...

    Getting sick and tired of the monotony of summer job, my last day is at the end of the week
     
  14. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Trigger warning:
    Long time that I haven't posted, and it has been mostly because I was doing good, pretty sure I stayed about 30 days no pmo..which is really good, I didn't have a counter so its a rough estimate. However, the streak ended last night, after a really long assignment, me and buddy decided to go out for some drinks and I drank a little too much...and then, when I got back to my dorm, I went on youtube and a jen setler video was featured, I clicked on that, and clicked on another thing, and another thing, and before I knew it..I was in a jada stevens video..and that was the end of the streak
    I feel like crap, because my stupid drunk self fapped three times in one sitting..so I woke up today with a hangover, and a dopamine withdrawal...not too fun

    Besides that, some pretty crazy things have been happening in my life. Me and my girlfriend have broken up...though it's more like we are taking a indefinite break, I need her to get her life together before I can take her more seriously, and I have started my PhD program..
    Very crazy how I started this journal when I was a freshman in college...and now, I'm at the highest academic level...a lot can change in five years.
    Anyway, just because I'm not with my girlfriend doesn't mean that I want to take advantage of that freedom and sleep around. I want to stay focus on my studies and self-improvement, and obviously completing 90 days of no fap...
    the problem is that this school that I'm attending now has a collection of the hottest girls that I"ve ever seen in my life..it's pretty ridiculous..like they are so freaking beautiful..it's almost like the school made an effort to just recruit the most intelligent and beautiful girls in the city. I'm trying to stay low key and not get into any drama but when I wish I went to this school when I was a freshman or sophomore with by boysss..we would have taken advantage of all of this..wow
     
  15. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    So I've said this before and I'll say again: College is the easiest place for ANYONE to get a girl..I don't care if you think you are ugly, anti-social, geeky..or whatever, it is too easy

    The reason that I'm saying this is because I'm actively trying to avoid girls, I stick to a tight routine, I don't go out, I don't even have any female friends..all I care about right now is my research..and EVEN then, I still 'girl encounters'

    So my routine is simple, I study, eat, go to the gym, sleep, deal with family affairs, and then do it again. I have a couple friends that I may hang out with and go to a local bar to drink and tell each other stories, but that is it.
    So today, I was at the gym lifting, I had my headphone on, and I was going at it pretty hard. I went at a bad time, so the weight room was rather packed.
    When it gets like that, you have to be assertive and get your sets done as fast as possible without worrying about what other people are doing..
    Which is what I was doing..
    until, I see in my peripherals this girl..I had to look, most guys did. It is because this girl was TALL, I mean easily over 6 foot, she also had an athletic built, so I assume that she's an athlete. and she looked good..so of course I looked, just like every other guy..but then I went back to my workout.

    So after a few sets, the tall girl and her friend (who was also tall, easily 5'10) were doing their set near me. I usually don't like noticing girls when I work out because it disrupts my flow. However, like I said, these two were hard to ignore. I looked over at the tall girl, and she locked eyes with me. I quickly look away.

    I saw in my peripherals that she was still looking at me, I still don't turn my head. I begin my set.
    After my set, the tall girl walks up to me! and she says:

    Her: " I was wondering, how tall are you?"

    I immediately recognized that she an accent. A European accent..
    I also noticed her green eyes out of the bat..This girl is cute

    Me: "I'm around 6'8"

    Her: "WOWW I'm usually never impressed with someone's height, but that's impressive"

    I chuckled. It was funny because it felt like she was checking my stats or something.

    Me: " how tall are you?"

    Her: "I'm 6'2'

    Me: " That's more impressive than me. I presume that you are an athlete."

    Her: " Yes, I am, I play basketball."

    Me: " Haha that would be an appropriate choice, though I would have guessed volleyball"

    Her: "Why would you guess that?"

    I smile.

    Me: "Because you are European"

    Her: " Oh no! Is my accent that noticeable?"

    Me: "haha no, actually it's very slight, but you couldn't fool me missy! I was born in France..I recognize those accents"

    Her: " Haha are you really? You don't have any accent at all"

    Me: " I do...but it takes a while for it to be noticed..it's only certain sounds that I slip up with.."

    We talked about the whole french thing for a couple minutes, then I realized that I was cooling down, my workout was over. I needed to go take a shower.

    Me: "Haha well, I"m going to go now..but it was nice talking to you "

    Her: " Nice to meet you, Cham"

    Me: " Maybe one day, we'll go for a one on one game, but trust me, I won't go easy on you just because you are a cute blonde"

    Her: " Hahaha how were you able to insult and compliment me at the same time, okay, we will see!"

    I left.

    I didn't take down her number, first because I didn't feel like asking it, and because she didn't offer. I left my workout prematurely but after cooling down, I usually just call it day after that.

    But anyway, this event just reaffirmed me that getting girls in a collegiate setting is not that hard..even when you don't try it happens, now I'm sure that after school, it's a different story but this was interesting.
     
  16. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Ahh, had a relapse last night..I actually drank a bit too much, and with my inhibitions loosen, I masturbated...not too porn, but still, I count that as a relapse

    Will do better.
     
  17. hugo_c

    hugo_c Member

    Hey man, just stumbled on your thread. We've all been there! Best of luck!
     
  18. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    I had some free time, so I started to reread some of my previous posts from the beginning. This forum has been pretty amazing for me, reading back, I am so grateful for the people who genuinely cared for my PMO recovery, and for my personal life. It does seem like my earlier posts were more about my life than porn, but now that my life has stabilized, porn is still a factor.
    Yes, I watch porn a lot less than I did in my teens, but it is still not fully eradicated yet. I find myself still relying on porn to relieve me of boredom, or emotional instability. Even with a hot girlfriend, even with some of my regretting sexcapades in undergraduate, I still see porn as a luxury. I figured something out about why I'm into porn so much, yes, my brain is addicted. But another reason is that I WANT to do what the pornstar do. I envy the way they are able to fulfill every sexual fantasy with a plethora of hot girls. That's a reality only possible for porn starts and celebrities/athletes. The common man will never be able to experience that, but we want. This dynamic friction between what we want and what we can't have is what makes this addiction to absurd and debilitating. Of course, when I say that I envy and want that..I don't necessarily mean that I would trade my life to be a pornstar..no way, it's not a logical desire, it's a lustful desire. It's because we are wired to want to have sex with every hot girl we see...and seeing that realized on screen for a select group of males makes our evolutionary brain go haywire.
    In any case, though my days of posting in this journal regularly will never happen again, I can give some update on my life.
    I am in the second semester of my PhD program, I did pretty well last semester, ending with a 3.9 GPA. During that semester, in order to avoid porn, I tried to make many female friends. I thought to myself that doing so would help me not objectify them. It didn't work. While I did make some genuinely good female friends, in the privacy of my own room, porn still haunted me. In this second semester, I hope to start off with a clean slate.
    Truthfully, I am not as obsessed with No PMO as I once was..but it is still in my checklist, I cannot be emotionally tied to porn, it is not good. I have decided to go vegetarian for this semester as well. I believe that working on my discipline will be very helpful.

    Anyway, I will leave at that, hopefully, my next update will be more festive. Hope everyone is doing well.
     
  19. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    I think this whole fantasy thing is because porn is still too vivid in your mind. You still perceive it as being better than real sexuality, as being more real and more exciting.

    I remember that every time I relapsed I'd look at porn and think "this is what sex should be", even if I knew in my rational mind that real sex looks nothing like in porn. But I was just so mesmerized that it didn't matter: a real sex encounter would pale in comparison to the over the top stimulation of porn.

    Obviously I'm no specialist but it seems clear to me that this is an affect the a brain being a LOT more wired to pornography than real sex. Even today I still have moments when I think of porn as something awesome (again, even though I know in my rational mind that porn had become boring as shit for me). So to make it short: you need more time. More time away from porn, 30 days, 60, 90 days and more. Eventually you will look back and realize you don't want those things anymore.
     
  20. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Hey Cham,

    You're right it is easier to get girls in college. I dropped out early so I missed out on a lot, but I always bumped into new girls who were interested in me. It works mostly because you are out and about. You have a routine, like you said. You are on your path and women are attracted to that. The thing is Cham, don't take this for granted.

    Use the opportunity to become intimate with girls like the cute blonde. I know you're strong and don't need women (I understand the mentality), but out of college it's another world. There are very wealthy and successful men out there. Women know and feel this. I live in Moscow, a huge metropolis of 20 million people. Lots of billionaires and millionaires here. Women are hard to come by. I mean I may meet a new girl that is into me about once or twice a year now. College was very frequent. 2-3 a month, maybe? I had lot's of opportunities, but never took them. High school I had lots of interest, but always played it off.

    I never took advantage of the attention I was getting and I don't mean this in a manipulative way. I mean, I never took the opportunity to make intimate connections with women. I never took the time to get outside of my own head and ego and actually get to know a lot of women. I was always scared to take it to the next level, but I was just letting fear of hurting my ego direct my actions.

    If I could do it all over again, I would have worked harder on making more female friends and making feminine connections.

    You're in your prime Cham. I know you're a spiritual guy. Be grateful for the interactions while you have the opportunity. You never know when life may decide to give you misfortune and you only wished you appreciated what you had when you had it.

    PS also sorry if I am giving advice on a personal matter
     

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