Cham's Story: I don't know who I am anymore

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Chammorrow, May 10, 2013.

  1. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation

    I was able to get the paper done for tuesday. It ended up being 16 pages, and though it wasn't my best writing. I think the paper was A material. I saw writing the paper as a challenge, and thus, didn't experience much stress, it's whatever now though.

    Finals week next week, and I'm ending the chapter for undergrad. I plan on having an eventful summer, and then it will the new adventure of grad school.
    But I digress, I should be focused on Final week.
    My grades as of now look like this:
    C+
    A
    A-
    A
    A
    A

    I want that C+ to become a B. So I need to do well for that final. For every other class, it is just a matter of maintaining what I have, and not bombing any final. There is one class, the one with A- (it's a computer programming class) that I will have to be extremely careful about during Finals, there's a high possibility for that grade to drop, since I'm struggling a bit with the new material. Soooo no stress, but a bit of a concern.

    The chess tournament ended.

    Jeff is the winner, for the second time straight.
    Second place............Me.
    Third place.....FR

    The competition was pretty intense. FR played Jeff, and Jeff just destroyed her, I beat my opponent of the final four, and went to play Jeff. It was a rough one. I was winning the whole time, just eating his pieces away. It seemed like I was going to get a clear win. I make a crucial mistake where I live my king in the most awkward position, with three pons blocking his path...I didn't think much of it, but Jeff was calculating his moves. He used a bishop to checkmate me. I had lost about 2 pieces, and he had lost 8+....I was clearly winning, but due to my not thinking..he won, fair and square. So he got the prize, and I was left with regret. There was like 300 kids that signed up for the tournament, and I make it to second. It's not bad at all, but still....

    I was highly disappointed. But in the end, it was just a game, and though the money would have been nice, I still shook Jeff's hand, and we went and partied together. We're good. He's going to Harvard for his Grad school, which is not surprising for anyone who knows him.

    Tomorrow, I'm going on a final dinner with FR. This will be probably the last time that I see her for a LONGGG time, if not ever. For a girl that I just met in January, she has had the most impact on me than ANY girl that I've ever met. I've never met a girl that has such a potent mix of beauty, smarts, curiosity, and complexity. She's the most easy girl to fall in love with.
    Fortunately, I caught myself before such a thing could happen. (though some feelings were caught)
    So I will look at tomorrow as the closing of the FR chapter. I wonder what I will think about this the future.
    Will I be satisfied with my actions?
     
  2. plateau325

    plateau325 Never Give Up!

    Re: My Desperation

    Very inspirational Cham. You seem like youre on top of things and are keeping busy to avoid the urges to fap.. Wise man. I see that you are a highly dedicated student and that aspect of your life will carry with you when you achieve your career goals.

    Keep it up bro! :)

    As for this FR girl... stay strong, things will get better, plenty of other fish in the sea that need hooking. XD
     
  3. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: My Desperation

    Fuck yeah, man!

    I have no doubts in my mind that you will be able to get that C+ into a B. :)
     
  4. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation


    Thanks, Mr. Evil.

    lol

    I will try my best, and I think, I can also pull it off.


    Thanks, man, I don't see myself as 'inspirational', but I do try to spread positivity and show that anyone can do well in school if they put their mind to it. I was getting straight Ds in high school, barely made it college, but then was able to excel because I finally got my priorities straight, and am now on the verge of earning three bachelors, engineering, math, and philosophy. I want people to look at that and know that it's possible to do anything if you put your mind to it, whether it's 90 cold turkey, work, romance, etc...

    FR....

    ..
    FR..
     
  5. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation

    The date with FR was amazing.
    We talked about everything.
    We joked.
    We argued.
    We laughed.
    We flirted.
    We indulged in each other's energy.

    Time flew by, and every moment was precious.
    This girl is something else, her passion is intoxicating.
    I'm addicted to her, but now I've been cured.
    I can finally let her go.
    She came in into my life in a very sensitive time, and we became really close.
    But now I can close the chapter of FR, and move on.

    She was and still is a wonderful human being, and beautiful woman.

    I fell for her, and then caught myself before the full dive.
    I can move on.
    I have to move on.

    Only the future should be in my horizon.

    I will not speak or write of FR again.
     
  6. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation

    Looking forward to an arduous weekend of rigorous studying. No distractions will be allowed.

    Called off work to concentrate on that, my manager wasn't too please.
    I'm still counting down the days that I quit that retail job.

    Just going to study one subject this weekend, it's an theoretical probabilities statistics class...pretty rough.
    Hopefully, I don't give in to the urges that will surely come. No relapse allowed.
     
  7. Letscrackthis

    Letscrackthis "He is not here, for he has risen!"

    Re: My Desperation

    I feel you on the studying. This weekend I also have to buckle down and get work done. We are more important than any urges that may come. Our success is more important. All the best.
     
  8. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation

    So the biggest tests of my finals are over with. I still have three left. One tomorrow, and two on Thursday. But I'm already on cruise control.

    I had incredible urges to pmo...but somehow got over it. There are still lingering urges so I'm not out of the hazard zone yet. Hopefully, I can keep myself clean.
     
  9. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: My Desperation

    Don't peek at dangerous stuff and you should be fine.
     
  10. Letscrackthis

    Letscrackthis "He is not here, for he has risen!"

    Re: My Desperation

    40 days, wow. Good stuff Chammorrow.
     
  11. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation

    Really sleepy, but thought an update post was needed.

    Finals week is over. I am done. I did my best, and that's all that could be asked for.

    Me and the boys partied it up yesterday, we took it to another level..it was fun

    Had to say final goodbyes,and that was really hard. I'm going to miss a lot of people

    Tomorrow, I will start to shift my focus on the direction that I want to take during this summer.
     
  12. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation

    Well, so final grades turned out to be
    A
    A
    A
    A
    A-
    C

    It's not the semester that I wanted, but it's near what the worst scenario would have been. My gpa didn't drop or go up after this semester, which is fien with me. This doesn't even matter that much since I've already been accepted to grad school.
    No need for me to stress over something that is not a big deal.

    This summer is definitely going to be interesting. Have a few goals that I want to accomplish. A few of them are :

    To save up 3,000 dollars
    To Get Ripped
    To Stay on No Fap
    To Read 4 books
    To Read 4 PHD dissertations
    Do Some research
    Have fun with some girls
    ..etc..

    I may do a more comprehensive later..I think it's good to write down the goals. Looking at this list now, I'm not sure that I'll have enough time to juggle all the reading and working 40 hours, while finding time to exercise.
    I'll have to figure something out.

    Got into an argument yesterday with my dad.
    He called me gay yesterday.
    I told him I don't care what he thinks.
    The reason that he's saying that is that he saw me hold the hand of one my guy friends and saw me hug him for a while. We were showing emotions.
    Well, I'm leaving to go Grad school, and won't see this friend for a long time, we shared so many moments for some time, of course we got a bit emotional.
    I don't care if that's perceived to be gay. I don't care, and my dad is so homophobic, that it sickens me.
    I have my issues with homosexuality, mostly on the philosophical side of it..but one that I don't have is hatred.


    GOing on a pretty good streak of no pmo. I feel like 90 days is within reach. I'll do a post later today to show my progress.
    Since school is over, I may become more active in the forum..like I was in the past. Got to go out with a bang.
    bang.
     
  13. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: My Desperation

    As if yelling at you would "ungay" you (considering you were gay in the first place).

    I don't understand these homophobic parents. My dad's homophobic as well, but the kind of homophobic dad that would just pretend not to see his son is secretly fabulous.
     
  14. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: My Desperation

    You've got quite the productive goals for the summer ^.^
    I need to get myself motivated to get ripped.

    Congrats on those grades, man. That is no small feat.

    Lol.
     
  15. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: My Desperation

    Dude, those are great grades. Well done. And regarding gayness, I think you're spot on. It's 2014, who gives a fuck?
     
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: My Desperation

    Really good grades.

    Good luck reaching your goals and 45 days no PMO is awesome.
     
  17. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation


    I've been really conflicted lately. The infliction is so complex, that I cannot even begin to explain and write down the root of it. It is enough to just say that I'm in an inner turmoil. It is about my relation with the past and the future. It's a mindset issue. How I look at the past, and how I look at the future. It is impossible for me explain it.
    For now, it is better for me to ignore the conflict that is leaving me ambivalent, I should postpone it. But eventually the issue will have to be addressed.

    So since school has been over, I've been working 40 hours at my retail job. It is horribly monotonous, and the job doesn't cater to my strengths but to all of my weakness. This may be good for development, but it really tires me out.

    There is this girl that I flirt with sometimes at work, Melanie. She's cute, like a 8 out 10, and really outgoing. She makes my work go faster. I work at a very female-centric department, it is mostly girls that are my coworkers. Actually, I only have ONE male coworker. He's cool.

    In any case, I won't survive a summer of working this tediously. I've come to realize that work does define who you are. When you spend 9 hours of you day in place, you don't have time for anything else. Your life becomes work centered. And if you don't like your work, then your life will not be enjoyable. I never really understood that until I started living it.

    I'm going to cut my hours down to 20 hours during June. I will use the remaining time to prepare for Grad school, and improve myself ( do some of the things I mentioned in the list last post).


    I rather die than to masturbate. I feel urges everyday, and get a boner from squeezing a sponge...but I'm not going to falter. I'm going to get 90 days, because I said I will.
     
  18. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: My Desperation

    Your resolution is infectious, Cham! I wish you the best of luck as you move toward a future in grad school. Stay strong!
     
  19. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: My Desperation

    Really hope you hit 90 days and go beyond that.
     
  20. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: My Desperation

    I had a wet dream last night, pretty much ruined my bed. Feels like I relapsed. This is just natural however, so I won't let it affect my daily routine. I expect a lot of wet dreams in the near future, this is reasonable since my body is abruptly going from pmoing every other day to nothing at all.

    I will get back to lifting next week, and will also begin initiating the goals that I've set for myself for the summer. I will have a pretty tight schedule, but I like having my time slots filled with certainty.

    I've also decided that I will probably will have to see a speech therapist sometimes next month. I've always have trouble with speech, well, since I immigrated to America. I thought that maybe my speech will get better over time, but I'm now thinking that this is becoming more of an impairment for my future and need to see a professional to get a proper diagnosis of it. I haven't really looked at the prices, I hope that my insurance will cover the cost, if not, I probably wont' make it past an initial session. Not being able to properly communicate is such a big problem, and you don't even feel totally human when you are in that state. It is something that MUST be taken care of.

    Last summer, for me, was a summer to get all of the hard work out of the way. I took several classes, worked my butt off at retail, and work out. This summer, in contrast, will be a self-improvement summer. I want to develop myself into a good man. I need to start this transition.

    So something else that i need to decide is how I want my style to be. I've been pondering whether getting earrings or not. I think I will buy some to see how I look it in it. I also need to decide whether I want to keep my hair short or just completely shaved. Also a new wardrobe is due. I will be buying more fitted clothing, instead of the baggy clothes that I've had since high school.
    Obviously, this is just my external appearance.

    I always am striving to improve intellectually. Books will be read, discussions happen. I have no doubt that I will improve myself on that basis.

    And of course, reaching 90 days of no PMO will be another facet of my improvement. An accomplishment that I've NEVER done in my life will be reached this summer. Believe it!
     

Share This Page