Cham's Story: I don't know who I am anymore

I've decided to make a new journal, because the old one was getting too crowded. I already know Underdog doesn't like it when people make multiple journals, but I don't think it will hurt that I make a new journal a whole year after my first one.

For people who don't know me, here's a brief summary of my life and circumstances:

You can call me Cham. I am a 20 year college engineering student who is addicted to masturbation. I don't consider myself addicted to porn, because if left unchecked, I could just masturbate and not need porn for the rest of my life. Porn is just an enabler for me to get the high and the escapism that I get from masturbation. I always have needed to escape because growing up, I didn't have the best social life. I was hated in elementary and middle school, poked fun at, and even tempted into fights. I wasn't alone, but everyone knew that I was the outcast kid. The one that didn't belong.

It got much better in high school, but I picked up the masturbation beforehand. I was relaxing in my room looking at a magazine that a friend (what a friend he is, right!) let me borrow. I was just touching my genitals when suddenly I experienced an orgasm...of course I didn't know what was happening but this how I discovered masturbation. Ever since then I've used that as a a mean to an end. I use masturbation as a way to escape from my daily problems.

It's something that needs to be fixed and I'm willing to work on it. So this is where the reboot comes into play. I've tried to reboot many times, but didn't really get serious about it until a year ago when I got a crush on the girl next door Erika Alexandra. I told myself that i had to quit the addiction before I would ask her out. It's a very long story but I got clean enough to ask her out and she said yes, however, after a relapse, I haven't been able to regain the momentum that I gathered back then. Me and Erika are still going out and I hope that this continues. This is the " second" attempt at me really trying to better myself and rebooting and I really hope that this time, I can break away from these chains and fly..achieving my potential is what drives me everyday, and I'm just not there yet.

I don't have ED or any other dysfunction or disorder to really gauge my process like a lot of people on the forum has. I just feel like masturbating and porn is something that needs to be out of my life for me to be able to live a fulfilling life. Some may disagree with that, but that's how I see it. So for this reason, I'll do everything in my power to try to stop this. However, on a scale to ten, my level of addiction is a ten...I am deeply addicted, and it's going to take strenuous and luck, and praying for me to overcome this.


Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read, I will try my best to not mess up and I encourage you guys to do the same.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

I hope to see you do better an kick the habit soon.

Do your best to maintain yourself, your happiness and sanity is first and foremost, without that, you have nothing.

Best of luck Cham

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Thanks bud. This time it will happen.


Day 1 Begins today.

I want to install a filter system on my computer, but since I've switched from Windows to Fedora, this simple task has become significantly harder. Does anyone know any filtering software for Linux? Even a good addon filter would be good, I use firefox.

I don't want to use a filter as a crutch, but it really helped me out before, and using it at filter to start out will help me get some momentum.

I plan on getting a haircut tomorrow, and do some cleaning. I start my first day for my summer job on Monday, and it's a ten hour shift, so I will get the necessary rest for sure.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

My free time is filled with the gym, videogames, and movies if no friends are out and about.

It is simply not possible to always be out or have a marching band everyday to distract us, we just need to make the best of what we have and move on. Do not dwell on what has happened Cham, I can read between the lines in this post and see you are dwelling.

Don't worry too much, worrying never got anyone anywhere.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

I'm cool Jp, I'm cool. I can't do anything about it anymore so I'm leaving it be.

In my previous journal, I tackled this addictions in so many ways that I don't really have a new one to try. What I will do is take qualities from my best reboots ( such as the 77 day run that I had) and try to merge them all together into a cohesive unit that will ease my challenge. Of course, determination, a new change in lifestyle also contributed to me making a new journal. I'm definitely a different person than I was when I started the last journal so that part of me is concluded there and a new me emerges here. This time I feel more determined to get to the bottom of my addiction, why am I addicted? What is happening to my subconscious, why do I have need to fantasize about other women? and I have a need to apply myself more in real life.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Hi Cham, sorry things have been far from easy for you recently. I've had a rough time myself over the past week or so. But I've been challenged and encouraged too.

I've been thinking recently, If I could take away all the consequences of pmo, would I do it? Do I really mind what I'm doing, or do I only mind getting caught, experiencing consequences, or confessing to others?

I started thinking about that after one pmo last week. Also, I had been reading the Screwtape Letters, a great little book that presents things to make my own responses to.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

I've asked that question to myself numerous of times, and of course you want to say that you will be opposed to it..but the reality is that if they were no consequence, I don't think that we would stop, but remember something is bad because of the consequences and because of what it entails..so if pmo didn't have no implications, then I don't think stopping would even be in the radar, pmo would be as natural as taking a piss.

But the reality is that it does have consequences, physically and morally, and that's enough for me to want to eradicate the addiction from life. Yes, it's been tough, really tough, but anything worthwhile are usually strenuous. I have been having a few tough weeks but the same way bad times comes in our way, it just make me look forward even more to the good time.

Thanks for the input anders

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

In addition to what Cham said, "having no consequences" implies it also wouldn't be addicting. So stopping would be like flipping a light switch.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Cham, configure OpenDNS on your router; the best filter out there if you want browser-based filters on top of that then search for "porn" on addons.mozilla.org

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Day 4

I had my first day working at Lowes today, met my coworkers, and my advisor who is really cool. I worked for ten hours but it didn't feel like that long, so i'm happy about that and hopefully I have a different work experience this summer compared to last summer where I had some boss issues. I'm also taking some summer courses, that's going to start next week, which I think is way too soon since I just finished the regular school year last week...a week break isn't enough to recuperate in my opinion.

Speaking about my grades, I didn't do so hot in my finals, and it showed on my final grades..my final report looks like this:

Physics for engineers: B-
Applied Linear Algebra: A-
Calculus III: B
Sociology: A
Science and Faith: A

This isn't a really good report card by my standards and it kills me that I was getting straight As until finals week when I got some kind of nervous breakdown and failed all my finals..I actually got a 32% on calculus finals...but I still managed to get a B, I guess that should be a testament of how high my grade was before the final.

Anyway, yes, I'm disappointed in my grades, but I'm also over it. I won't dwell in it. I'll take a few summer courses here and there and my gpa will be right up where it needs to be. No biggie.

I had too much a busy day for me to even think of PMO, and it's probably gonna be the same for a while. I'm going to take this opportunity to get a lot of days in.

Lastly, my girlfriend Erika is coming back on Thursday, and I can't wait to see her. Even though she's been to school away, she's kept her promise to not let us slip away and lose contact..so even though I haven't seen her physically in a while, I'm still as close to her as when she left. To be honest, I'm still surprised that we're still together.....I don't know, I always had a crush on her but it always seemed like she was out of my league and when I realized that she did liked me, that boosted my confidence up..but now I don't know, i just feel like she could do much better than me. I'm not the best looking guy, i'm not the nicest, or the funniest..and she's a full on princess...i don't know..

These are some thoughts that I've had on my mind for a while but never expressed..and it hasn't gone away..anyway, We'll see. She's coming back soon and I'm excited to see her.

lol I have absolutely no clue what an opendns is but if it's not a software then I'm not sure that I will be able to do it. I use a modem with the rest of the family so anything external to my computer would affect them also..and I don't need them to be asking too many questions to me. The addons might be the best option...or i could say fuck it and go commando..no filter at all

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Goodluck on round 2, man!

What happened after the 77 day run? That's not even a couple weeks off the recommended 90.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Cham that's like a 3.8

Chill

Out

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

It's actually a 3.4 because the physics was a 4 credit course..and it dropped my gpa a bit. Look, let me tell you why I'm so hung up on this. I've never been the guy to be obsessed with grades, actually I was the laid back guy who never really gave a 100% and got by with decent grades. I always had the potential but I never actualized on it. My father use to get on my case all the time, he said that I was wasting my talents with my laziness.

This all changed when Erika came into my life. Unlike me at that time, Erika was a super serious student and really bright, she was a straight A s, she was involved in clubs, and she was respected in high school, though a lot of people thought she was stuck up. Anyway, she goes to Cornell Uni in new york which one of the best schools in the U.S..and being with her inspired me to do better and try to transfer to either Cornell to be with her (not just that but it would be awesome for my education) or try to get into Brown or Columbia. These are elite schools, super elite..I've heard of kids with 4.0 gpas not getting accepted there.

So I'm working this hard so I can go to school with her...so that I can be on her level..I think I'm smart enough to do it but it's going to take tremendous work. I've talked to Erika about this, and she wants me to do well. So yeah long story short, the main reason why I need to have a gpa that high is because i want to go to school with my girlfriend, and because it would just help my career and my education to go to such an elite school.

After the 77 day run, I basically had a big relapse, such a big binge that i haven't really recovered from it. Last week I got to 33 days before a relapse, and that was because I had an intense wet dream that brought a chaser effect that I wasn't strong enough to resist. That won't happen again, cookiemonster, this time I will go 77 days and beyond..my reasoning is that if I've done it before then I can do it again.

During my 77 day run, I was doing so great, a lot of the physical symptoms from pmo had vanished, my mind was clearer and sharper and I just felt better..but the urges never really went away and it never will since we are programmed to lust after attractive women but besides that I was doing really well, and I wan to go back to that.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Hope you're doing great on your job and you can finally conquer this.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

BTW come to Brown!!!! I live 30 minute drive away, we can hang out hahahaha

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Nice new journal, Cham! You've got this, man.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Ahhh so you live near Providence, that's cool my man. My friend Josh goes to school in Kingstown. I've never been to either place before but from what I hear those places are really nice, quiet, beautiful place to be. I don't know how true that is, but Brown is definitely a school that I will apply to at a later date, I'm sure you know that it's not the easiest place to accepted to.

lol if I did go there, we should def meet..haha but don't get intimidated when you see a 6'8 black-asian kid walk up to you hahah

Thanks man, I'll be checking your journal soon to see your progress.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Day 6​

Approaching a week soon. I did have some sex dreams last night, not a wet dream, and boy when you wake up from those, you just want to get to the nearest laptop and just go off. But I've been able to calm myself down, and I came straight here to post instead of wandering the web.

I'm going to have a long day since I'm working from 1:30 to 10:30 today...I don't know if it's even legal for me to work ten hours shifts, but I guess that I will need to adjust to the new norm. My first day was monday and it was cool, I just did an orientation with a new coworker. But today they will assign me to my retail spot and I'll actually have to interact with customers and try to sell them Lowes product. Hopefully that goes smoothly.

I watched The Voice yesterday, and I was pretty disappointed with the results, I don't think those two should have left. it's still pissing me off a bit but oh well what can you do.

Hoping for a swift successful day and talk to you later.

 

Re: Cham's Journey: " Break these Chains and Fly"

Nah I wont be. I have had many friends be between 6'6 and 6'9. I also am hard to intimidate lol

What you hear about Providence is mostly true. Some parts are bad, but it is mostly accurate. So many beautiful women... most are skanks, but they are nice eye candy hah