Caoimhín's Way

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Caoimhín, Nov 11, 2013.

  1. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    This video, by Alan Watts: Give it away and it will come back is a very eloquent discours on acceptance.

    http://youtu.be/CXq_mVU8nyc
     
  2. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Caoimhín,
    how is it going?
    Hope you are ok.
    Have a nice weekend.
    Libertad
     
  3. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Libertad - interesting that you write because I remember reading from your journal about how you felt that you were in a grey zone as far as progress. For the past week, I feel that I am there too. No urges to PMO but none of the feeling of progress, energy, and just feeling down. The Christmas thing is part of it, the Solstice and lack of light, the cold and storms, and other challenges in life no doubt are all having an effect. If I were a wave, I am definitely in a trough. It is not raw enough to be depression perhaps but more dull as I can't seem to put my finger on what is different.

    Good things are still going on. Yesterday, I was invited to a friends house for a Solstice party. I said no because I had some other vague plans. But then I thought: I should do exactly the opposite of what my natural tendencies are. So I went, spent the evening with several people that I did not know very well, and had a good time. I think the habits of a depressive person (ie to refuse social opportunities, find ways of being alone, etc) are similar to the PMO. I still like to be alone but it is interesting to be able to stand back for some perspective on how to live differently.

    I am trying to brainwash myself to be happy. When I experience happiness, I try and dwell in the feeling and let it fill me for several seconds.
     
  4. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    That was a good choice. We need to socialize, no matter how much it goes against our grain.
     
  5. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I think, that before we can change we must come to a state of mind, that we see the things and our habits in our life how they are. With a clear mind and without excuses. And I noticed, that the longer I dont PMO the clearer you see your own live. That was a very hard time for me the past few weeks.
    Like you, I´m starting to force myself with a few habits, to do the oposite as I was used to do. And that is a good thing.
    Like Einstein said: Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
    We cant expect to change our life to the better if we keep our habits the same than before quitting PMO.
    I looked in the past days a few videos from Jim Rohn on youtube and a quote from him is:
    "If you will change, everthing will change for you."
    So the first step is to change ourself, our habits, our way of thinking, before we can expect that our lifes will change to the positive because the habits in the past (PMO) have brought us to a negative life.
     
  6. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do
    November 13 by Amy Morin in Communication, Motivation

    Mentally strong people have healthy habits. They manage their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in ways that set them up for success in life. Check out these things that mentally strong people don’t do so that you too can become more mentally strong.

    1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves
    Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

    2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power
    They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

    3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change
    Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.

    4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control
    You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

    5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone
    Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.

    6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks
    They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

    7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past
    Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. However, they don’t constantly relive bad experiences or fantasize about the glory days. Instead, they live for the present and plan for the future.

    8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over
    Mentally strong people accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

    9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success
    Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

    10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure
    Mentally strong people don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

    11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time
    Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

    12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything
    Mentally strong people don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

    13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results
    Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.
     
  7. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Good stuff!
     
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi Caoimhín,

    Thank you for sharing that list of 13 things mentally strong people don't do

    That is outstanding stuff.

    Worth repeating...
    1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves
    Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

    2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power
    They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

    3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change
    Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.

    4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control
    You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

    5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone
    Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.

    6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks
    They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

    7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past
    Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. However, they don’t constantly relive bad experiences or fantasize about the glory days. Instead, they live for the present and plan for the future.

    8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over
    Mentally strong people accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

    9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success
    Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

    10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure
    Mentally strong people don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

    11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time
    Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

    12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything
    Mentally strong people don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

    13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results
    Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.
     
  9. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Psst, a little secret: Christmas wasn't so bad this year! I didn't really partake. No decorations, no presents, but went to a few family things and some friends and shared meals. But it didn't send me on a bender and I didn't feel really bad at all.

    I feel like I have passed a threshold from my depressed self who couldn't even face looking into the future at all, who was haunted by the past, and who was caught in a vicious cycle of self-isolation, self-abuse, and self-hatred into a person who is at least trying to take each day for what it is worth. I have mentioned about trying to self-hypnotise myself into "being happy" but this is really just having the presence of mind to stop and say to myself that I have just lived through a pleasant moment in life. Just like I was always identifying the moments for PMO (filtring all of my time and activities to identify the patterns), now I am tring to do it for happiness.

    It is like I am permitting myself now to be happy.

    This is still a hard time of year and New Years is yet to happen. I have noticed a few occasions where for some reason I am horny out of the blue. For example, no trigger in a shop today and I had a hardon. I have laid in bed in the mornging and thought about MO. A few times when washing, I let my hands linger. But I have not M'ed at all. No P at all and I don't feel even slightly tempted.

    I feel that I am doing fairly well. Typically during the short days of winter, it has affected my depression so if I feel well even at this challenging time, it must be good.

    I am closing in on my first target of 90 days. I plan to keep a counter as I am currently finding it useful to ummm....count the days (as it were). But I have known for a long time that M and O are huge triggers for P and worst of all M is partly responsible for destroying my life and my mind. I never want to M again and will set another counter after 90 days.

    It is good to have role models like LTE, fast approaching 365 days without MO!
     
  10. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Counting the days is pretty good friend. Nothing wrong with that at all, you are doing very well.

    thanks for all the encouragement you give so many of us here at YBR.
     
  11. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Well, Counters are like a crutch and there is nothing wrong with that, eh? And fcjl8, thank you too for the example you lead. We are all just real people who like/need a word of support but don't just want a participation medal for just showing up at the game. I just listened to an article on the CBC about the whole trend to give kids medals for simply showing up at a competition, regardless of whether or not the won something. Apparently despite winning something, kids instinctively know the value of the prize (ie worthless). They understand instinctively that you win when you put in effort, sometimes fail, try harder, practice, try again, succeed.
     
  12. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Of course from the looks of my counter at the moment I have some reservations about counters. fcjl8 knows all too well that the counter tells only one aspect of our stories. the counter is an integral part of the culture of YBR (particularly in the 40+ group) despite some efforts to incorporate spreadsheets instead. the counter has served to motivate me only to a point. twice mere days from my 90 day goal I had to reset the counter. it is a tool. it feeds part of a human need I suppose. And it is humbling when it is low. It was not easy to come back to the forum when I reset it. I almost didn't want to return because of the counter. I don't feel any shame at the moment but I do feel humbled.
     
  13. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I've seen some guys out their reset date in their signature line as a way of tracking progress.
     
  14. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Caoimhín,
    many thanks for the list. I find myself in a lot of points doing the opposite of what is suggested here in the last decades.
    Very helpful to find it out in a such clear way.
    Libertad

    Btw, you are doing great. Thanks for posting.
     
  15. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I find myself doing most of the list the wrong way and feel that over the years, I have actually been sabotaging my ability for happiness. In fact, I would go so far to say that endulging in PMO is part of a suite of activities that I do that help ensure that I keep myself down. Where and why did I learn this behaviour? I don't know. How do I change it? It's not going to be easy.

    I am glad you found the list useful.
     
  16. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I feel the same. I often think that I´m programed to unhappiness and to fail and I cant find the method to reformat my subconscious mind and start a positiv programme. When I go back in my life, then this programme to fail and this negativ behaviour startet long before doing PMO. I startet with PMO late with about 18. And before this time I was doing already a lot of the points mentioned in the list. For me it seems that it has a lot to do with the education and experiences in our early days. For example in my case, I know that my father was doing MO too, that he also have a very low self esteem. That he never could speak freely about sexuality or needs. I dont want to blame him, but I feel that my destructive programm startet very early in my childhood days. I think thats why this programm is so strong and hard to change.
    Awareness of this negativ programme in us is maybe the first step to change it.
    But how can we accelerate this process? So often I make one step in the right direction and then I fall two steps back.
    Libertad


    The following quote from nofapado shows that he has the same thoughts of sabotage himself. It really seems that a lot of us have a lot in common.

    Maybe the small steps each day in the right direction are the solution and not hoping and waiting for a fast and big change in one day like I was doing for a long time. I often thought, when I have this or that, then every else would change automatically, but it never happened.

     
  17. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Me too! It is much earlier than the day I first found P or MO. Sometimes, I feel that I am on the wrong forum because I see more and more clearly that PMO is just the tip of the iceberg. Or maybe it is the joker in the house of cards that I have been living. A crucial one but almost dwarfed by my feeble construction of a life. This doesn't discount the many years, since I was a teenager, before I ever had sex, and representing the majority of my "sexual life" of PMO.

    It is difficult for me to admit this because I loved my parents a great deal and have great difficulty because they are no longer here, but my entire family suffered from self-esteem issues. Sometimes I think that it could go back generations because I sometimes see behaviour in relatives that comes from low self-esteem. Also, sometimes I wonder about the history of my people because it does involve persecution and a self-imposed cultural isolation (sorry, I know that this is vague but suffice it to say there is a longer story here that I sometimes wonder about).

    That, my friend, is the question of the century!

    And this is the closest that I have come to an answer for the time being. Slow improvements. But the corollary of this, I feel, is the "acceptance of loss". I am becoming more aware of the burden carried when I am struck by the insane number of years wasted on PMO, not having a family, failures at this and that, etc. Truly setting all of this aside is very difficult and what I say and feel about it is very different. I am learning to accept more and more. I can see that it will bring peace. Without acceptance, the small incremental improvements are often impossible to appreciate in the face of the sting of the past.

    I responded to another post about accepting that he was without a woman/sexual partner. This, ironically, has been relatively easy for me to integrate into my rewiring. I do not feel such a pannic when I think of the time passing and I do not even meet a woman that I can go out with. Acceptance that this may happen later but I am too sexually broken right now to have a relationship. I need time to rework my head. I need to accept that some things cannot change also, which makes me think of the 13 Things that mentally strong people do: over the past year, I have gone from extremely mentally weak to a much better position.

    See what I mean? It is not a PMO story.
    Of course, I say this realising that it is a PMO story, one of many and that writing in my journal here has been very useful for me. Thank you o forum gods for indulging me!
     
  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Caoimhín,
    the last days I often compared for myself the PMO thing, like painting over the rust on metall to cover it, instead of taking a wire scratch brush to remove the rust. All this underlaying problems and feelings I have, in the past I tried to cover and escape them with PMO. Because to take a wire scratch brush (to face the problems and feelings) seemed the tougher way to handle it, but now I know, that I have choosen the wrong and most hurtfull way over the long term to handle it like I did, with PMO. Like you said, PMO is the tip of the iceberg, if we can stop to PMO it´s like taking the paint away but the rust is still there. And to face it, instead of turning the head away from it like I did for more then two decades, that hurts. But I think it´s the only long term solution, to stop to overpaint (PMO) it and to remove the rust, because if not, the rust (problems, bad feelings) will grow under the paint (PMO).

    You are so right about the acceptance.
    That was the reason why I was two times very depressed during the last weeks, because it was so damned hard to accept my life like it is now, with all the lost years because of doing PMO. I also think that to personal grow and develope, we have to accept the things like they are. But that was one of the hardest things for me to do and still is.
    Libertad
     
  19. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    This is what constitutes a weak moment for me: laying in bed this morning, it was cold and I didn't want to get out. I recognised the "opportunity" and it would have been like so many times before, my most common morning wank session. So I thought to myself purposeully: No, I do not want this. Made sure my hands did not linger down there. But wherever I put my hands, the thought persisted. It occured to me that because of my out-of-phase mind with regards to PMO, I tend to look at any touching as for one purpose, wheneve I see myself naked it leads to one thought. My perception of my body is out of whack. It is hyper-sexualised.

    I used to be quite concerned about the length of my dick (I am, apparently average, neither too small, nor too large) and even got involved with "natural penis lengthening exercises". These often ended up with MO. The way I look at it now, I was obsessing about my penis. It is an off-shoot of PMO because with PMO, it is completely focused on that part of my body. Any opportunity I had, I was thinking about my own dick/pleasure. Not thinking about pleasuring another person, like with real sex. If I were to draw a picture of myself with this mentality, it would be 90% penis and the rest of my being a mere 10%.

    Time to turn that around, eh?
     
  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    From Apuleius in Midge's journal:
    Goes well with the thoughts that I was trying to explain above, particularly the phrase arousal addict.
     

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