Caoimhín's Way

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Caoimhín, Nov 11, 2013.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Have you ever done any kind of retreat? Yoga, writing, meditating, or something like that? I went to a retreat once I found a few like minded women, some of whom took a shine to me. At the time I was still in that "cheating" mind-set, but if I'd been single something substantial might have developed. Throwing spaghetti at the wall. :)
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This was a game changer for me. If I thought about going for a walk then I would just do it. I wouldn't check the weather, or the clock to see if I had time. The floor looks dirty? Sweep it now! The less we think the better we feel. :)
     
  3. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    That could be a solution for me. Because I often feel like shit and think all the time.:D
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2019
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  4. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I've been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately... mostly the downhill part though. Feeling generally quite low although the worst evidence of this is a large pile of unwashed dishes and maybe a bit more M activity.

    Last weekend, I had a fantastic day lined up and then a migraine headache hijacked it! I was really disappointed to have to miss out on some of the plans. Worse still, the headache hit when I was away from home, I had car-pooled (ie not driven myself) with 3 other people, and did not want to make anyone else miss the fun. So, like some kind of self-sacrificing idiot, I waited outside trying not to throw up and was fully prepared to suffer for the next few hours. Thankfully someone offered me a lift home. The rest of the day was completely lost.

    I wish that there was a way to shake off this mind-set. I can feel a low mood start to take hold of my brain but am generally unable to make it go away.

    Anyways, @Saville I actually have signed up for a 5 day meditation course coming up in a few weeks. Who knows!!??
     
  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You are important! Sacrificing for others while heroic really is a "nice guy" trait and action. It's tough to correct this as we think that's what selfish folks do. You are important!
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Putting Fred in front of Barney is the only way I know. Eventually low moods pass and we feel better. In the meantime, doing little chores is what I find helpful. I polished my shoes the other day. It was a small task that gave an good result and didn't take much time, at all. :)

    This is awesome! :)
     
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  7. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Ten years ago today my mother died. This was after a ten year disease that slowly crippled her and drew me into the role of a care-giver. It was also the beginning of a phase that would last at least 5-9 years of escalating "mood regulation" habits including drinking to forget, anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication, PMO, and many other ways to numb out and not think about anything remotely sad. Although I was never suicidal, I was aiming for the next best thing - erasure of my mind, end of suffering through numbness.

    Not allowing one's mind to be sad is of course a futile attempt. And I was still sad all of the time. I isolated myself and kept my big three "coping mechanisms", alcohol, medication, and PMO, very secret from everyone. It was a black hole and I am not really certain how I started to gravitate OUT of it. Starting about 5 years ago, I guess, small and tentative steps were taken. I started meditation and trying to cut back on the porn use. Then I began to focus on exercise, diet, and sleep quality. Somewhere in there, I determined that I needed to get out of the cess pool of porn completely.

    Such big steps at the time but now in retrospect, they were minute baby steps that opened up an ever bigger and unfolding universe. To the other fellows here, keep this thought in mind, in 10 years from now, your lives may be so different and so rich that you to will consider your battle with porn to be just a stop along the way.

    So, I have been feeling very down for the last couple of weeks as I approach this anniversary. It has been this way every year but the differences are important. I am not drinking to black out today. I am not crying all of the time. I am not want my thoughts to just disappear and pain to be removed surgically. There is nothing clinical about this. It is hard work and I have climbed fucking mountains to get here today. The next mountain looms ahead and I am learning that I have focussed too much on simply just climbing the mountain : one plodding foot ahead of the other - eyes fixed on the destination with grim determination. I have had glimpses of the fresh air and breezes, the horizon, the bigger world. I hope one day to arrive at some distant peak and stick around to enjoy the view.

    I can't remember how I found out about this forum and began to understand what my porn use was doing to my mind. It is all a blurr. But on this day, I give thanks to the brothers who were there and offering their arm around my shoulder to help me move forewards.
     
  8. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I wish you strength. You are Right, from time to time we have to zoom out to see the bigger scale in life. All the best for you.
     
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  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    So glad you are here, Caoimhin:)
     
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  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is true in my experience. We build on our small successes.

    We are tethered to our parents in so many ways, some remarkable, others not so good. Severing the uglier ties is not easy, as it all seems wrapped up together. I learned, while my mom was still alive, thank goodness, to love her but not to like her behavior. Her behavior was often abysmal, hurtful, and unloving. However, now I look back and can appreciate that she did feed and clothe me. Our parents, most of them, do the best with what they have. When I see my own lack of skills I appreciate my parents all the more.
     
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  11. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    In a few days, I am off to a meditation retreat that lasts 6 days. This will be a big challenge on the physical and mental levels. I am not expecting miraculous enlightenment but rather simply dealing with fear. So much of my life is dictated by fear... aloneness, women, togetherness, men, death, life, sex, no sex, anger, love, failure, success...

    I will embrace fear.

    This reminds me of my favourite quote from Dune... btw my favourite movie!...

    "I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
     
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sounds great. I hope you'll benefit from it.

    - 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?'
    - 'That's the only time a man can be brave.'

    (George R.R. Martin)
     
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  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    All the best for the retreat, Caoimhín. I think you mentioned it here ones, that a yoga or Meditation retreat can be a good oportunity to find a women, so Keep your eyes open, at least after Meditation. :) All the best for your journey.
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This reminds me of when I got super high on pot a couple of years ago. I was out with some young men from work and we got absolutely fried. I was sitting in the bar unable to drink my beer, as wave after wave of crazy sensation went up one side of me and down the other. What'cha gunna do? You hold on for the ride, because fighting it is useless. I called my wife to come and get me soon after sitting down, because I was just too zoned out to stay there. lol I rarely toke, so when I do it doesn't take much to take me into lala land.

    So, fear is like that. We have to surf the sensations that we aren't used to. But, in the case of fear we can't call our wives to come pick us up. :D
     
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  15. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I'm back from my meditation retreat. I can now kill with just the power of my mind!

    Actually, no... I still get distracted by multiple thoughts and long sittings are still really difficult. But I am very happy with myself for having done this. I feel like I achieved something worthwhile. I know, as far as challenges go, hitting a retreat centre with a bunch of buddhists should not be considered very scary but there was a real personal challenge for me.

    Normally, I would avoid a trip and experience such as this due to it being complex, requiring lots of extra effort, and being unreasonably extravagant. My modus operandi is more like: lay low, make no waves, minimal effort. With this I had to commit to finding the money, travelling 1400 km, meditating and attending lectures. I also had to go into a social situation with new people where I often get into a mindset that I need desparately to do things so that people will like me and talk to me. The feelings of being out of place have often made me feel very miserable and prompted me towards using unhealthy coping mechanisms.

    But, I was able to do all of these things and make it happen. I had an inspiring and challenging time.

    Regarding the meeting of women whilst in retreat. Either they were married or gay. But they were still really interesting and intelligent.
     
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  16. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Well done Sir! I hope you are proud of yourself for pushing your bounderies in such a way. Great Job, well done.
     
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  17. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    I must congratulate you. Much of what you wrote could have been written by me. In my case I prefer to bullshit myself and hang responsibility on circumstances beyond my control.

    Well Done, you have given yourself a demonstration of self worth.
     
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  18. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Thanks @Libertad and @GreyHeron

    It does feel quite momentus. You know, I struggle so much with the fact that I have not achieved the things that define a "man" in my society. This despite the fact that on a logical level, I do not want many of these things. So I swing between the feelings of being on the outside of society (aka a freak) with continously choosing a different path. Fear of being different versus the desire to explore the weird, wild, and wonderful world.

    But now, with the ability to observe my thoughts to some extent, I can see how much I've struggled with being unhappy because I was not what I thought I should be. I was inauthentic to my true self.

    I have been experiencing on occasion the solid feeling of knowing when I am doing something that is true to me. It is a wonderful sense of momentum pulling me forward. It sometimes feels effortless although it requires that I make the effort. It is hard to describe without getting spiritual because it feels like, with the change in my mind, the universe is willing me to succeed.

    I still am without many of the things that define a successful man. I don't have a wife, girlfriend, children, lots of money, etc. These still bother me but at least I am not trying to pretend and hide from the world.
     
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  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is huge!

    A woman being married (or me being married) never used to stop me. :oops:

    It's great meeting new people. When we inhabit the same little bubble then we just keep meeting the same person over and over. Sounds like a worthwhile trip.
     
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  20. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    These are some very Deep observations and insides into your Feelings and beeing. I can relate to almost all of it. You have truly a gift to describe where you are in your life mentally and emotionally.
     
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