Yes, this. All of it. Shutting down in the face of our stressors is what creates our addictions. No mystery there. And by now, we know that the solution is to find healthy ways to climb out of our negative self-talk. I'm a chronic ruminator, too, and I fall prey to old habits to try to calm the anxiety. Like you said in my journal recently (paraphrasing here), 'find the right recipe for a positive outcome, and remember what following the wrong recipe will bring'. My hand has instinctively been twitching towards the wrong path this morning. I totally understand your desire to get it out of your system by MO'ing so you can move on and not think about it anymore. And not watching P is super important, so you're much more successful there than I am. But I suspect that you'd like to develop a new habit of skipping the MO if its only purpose is to satisfy the urge. Personally, I get a headache roughly half the time I O lately. It's kind of like drinking - even small amounts can do it. Not sure when the headache is going to happen, and when it does, it messes me up for hours. So what's the point?