Caoimhín's Way

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Caoimhín, Nov 11, 2013.

  1. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Stay free of PMO and your life can get better. My life is far from perfect but I'm a lot happier now than I was a year ago. Hang in, things will get easier.
     
  2. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I just noticed you counter. You are very close to 30 days. Things really got easier for me past thirty days. Don't give in, you'll be fine.
     
  3. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Thanks for the messages. I've made it through the night. Strangely, music helps and this song lyrics I send to the woman I hope to meet and to the guys who are struggling :

    It's true that I used to be crazy
    And harder to love than most men
    And the blood that ran in these tired hands
    Was harder and wilder back then

    And I don't feel as tall as I used to
    Maybe it's just that I've grown
    You're the one that held my hand when I fell
    If I just couldn't make it alone

    We've lived out all the stories
    Sang all the old songs
    It takes one to know me
    I guess, you're the one

    Your daughters a lady, she's a fortune
    And your son an heir to the throne
    And though this crown that I hold is tarnished and cold
    It's a symbol of all that we own

    Sometimes I wish I was younger
    And could pick up the pieces and run
    But then I look back on the matter of fact
    And it's a race that we've already won

    We've lived out all the stories
    Sang all the old songs
    It takes one to know me
    I guess, you're the one

    We've lived out all the stories
    Sang all the old songs
    It takes one to know me
    And you knew the one
    Johnny Cash - It Takes One To Know Me
     
  4. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    You'll do fine. Music helps me to at times.
     
  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    So much inspiration in your journals. This is from Apuleius' journal and it sums up beautifully the ideas that are going on in my head right now.

     
  6. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    My mind is working overtime. I had another really interesting dream:

    I am leading people on a journey on the Route of Compostelle, a well-known pilgrimage in Spain. There has been a new road pushed through so as I get there, the new road lies between a red granite cliff and the ocean and runs parallel to the old road like a twinned highway. The rock cuts are fresh due to the new construction and the asphalt is black. There is bare earth everywhere. I start driving down the old side of the road, next to the cliff. It is twisting and turning. To my left, down a small valley, there is a glimpse of an island with a layer of red vegetation topped off by bright green. The road veers to the right but I drive into a viewing area. It is poorly marked and I thought it was the main road but it is a dead end. There are some very small shrubs that have been planted to mark the edge of the bricked, round parking area, but it is not clear.

    I back out and get to the road again. As I drive along, I can see the ocean more clearly. There are 2 bright green islands, followed by a red one, and then a forth green one. At some point, I get out of the car and am leading people down a narrow ledge with a solide wall on the one hand and a shear drop to the ocean on the other.

    We turn a corner and I think: Oh oh! The path has disappeared and there is a small ledge (about 20cm) with a line of a bicycle chain running along it that you are meant to hold on to as you pull yourself along by your arms. I say to the group (a family that visits the place I work at): I can't do this.

    Then one of the little boys, pushes past me, jumps down to the rocky path below me that I have not noticed because I was fixated on the ledge above. He leads us around the corner easily. We wind up at an old British fortification in Québec City on a bright sunny day. I feel exhilirated as we climb the white granite steps to the top of the fort.

    This is the second really positive dream that I have had lately. (it makes a change from my nightmares, or dreams of my lost parents, or the bizarre sexual dreams that I've been having since stopping PMO.

    Another thought: I travelled from Spain to Québec in my dream. Trans-Atlantic!
     
  7. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Interesting.
     
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    What do you think about that, Caoimhin? :)

    very powerful...
     
  9. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Well, NCB, you've honed in on the image that almost makes me as sad as it does happy. I feel that I am/was that little boy who could not see the real path before me. The more I think about the dream, the more it is shaking me up/giving me hope.
     
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Being sad and happy are two hallmarks of being very much alive :)

    Nope is the opposite of hope, and the little boy in you will have none of that :)
     
  11. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    :)
     
  12. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    For me, small victories are important. OK, I'm a man who can barely function in the real world. Well, I function, but not at a very productive level. I get what I need to get done, settle for mediocre, do as little as needed, let things pile up and gather dust. I put off and put off and then wind up not doing it.

    My personal environment is cluttered. I don't do dishes until I have to. Odd jobs last months and years and are in various stages of completion. At work, I look for the simplest way and never put 100%. I've never put 100%: school, relationships, hobbies, work.

    I wonder what I was like as a pre-teen, before I started wanking like a fool?

    Depression can sap the will out of a person. Depression + PMO = ? A life lived just getting by. No energy or motivation. Everything is too much effort.

    Contrast that with how hours zooooom by while surfing and PMOing. It's a time warp and a brain warp for sure.

    Little victories since my reboot :

    1. Hung a picture that had been in my kitchen waiting for 5 years.
    2. Got my cracked windshield fixed after 10 months.
    3. Cut the ivy that has been choking my chimney and roof for 3 years.
    4. Started a puzzle that has been sitting on my packed table for about 1 year.
    5. Cleared the clogged drain in the washroom.
    6. Today, I put a desk for sale.
    7. Today, I did 2 major garden chores that have been glaring at me for almost a year.

    After reading other journals, I have identified more of my behaviours that I want to change:
    1. Stop putting off calling/meeting friends and family so that I can be alone and have quality PMO or addiction-zone-out.
    2. Do dishes and house cleaning regularly so that I am not ashamed to have guests.
    3. Change my bed sheets more so that I am not ashamed to have "a guest".
    4. Shave more regularly.
    5. Walk more often.
    6. Sell/get rid of/ don't buy more stuff one item at a time.
    7. Slack off on booze. (ok, that's not a small victory, but I'm laying myself bare here).
     
  13. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    28 days.

    I know this will pass. These days I am overly aware of my penis when I wash or even go to the washroom. I am checking to see if I am maybe feeling too much or perhaps cheating by touching myself. Kind of stupid, I know. It seems in my P-goggles, any contact is meant for pleasure. I know that this will pass because, well, the penis is also meant for peeing and also must be kept clean. These 2 habits are not free passes or tokens for M. I feel like a teenager with a one-track mind.

    Just a couple of days and it will be a month. I'm not sure if I've gone longer than a month without P, M, or O. Not really kept track in the past. The counters are great.
     
  14. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    It's just the addict brain trying to rope you in. I have one simple rule, I don't touch myself for pleasure. If it feels good, I don't do it. It sounds simple, but it works.
     
  15. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I suppose it is good that I am too cautious about touching myself. I don't want to cheat myself with this or with anything that might sustain the neural pathways of PMO addiction.

    I appreciate the clear advice LTE.
     
  16. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I would say that not touching myself is the largest part of my recovery has been simply not touching myself.
     
  17. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I am resisting any urges for even a little edging. It helps to read people who are advocating a strict no MO approach. I am quickly becoming certain that I must adhere to this way.

    I have a sinking suspicion that my goal of 90 days will even turn out to be too short. This takes me through the holidays and past new years and my birthday.

    Since I lost my parents, and my brother has fucked off after I stopped lending him money, plus no woman in my life, I have grown to hate Christmas and New Years. My birthday follows after this heavy season. It will be a REAL challenge for me. I'm not sure what to expect because it has grown more unbearable with each year. My typical response has been to disappear as much as possible. And of course what happens when I lock myself away in the house for days on end - PMO binging. It might be a good idea to strategise a bit on how best to make it through.
     
  18. BeefNoJerky

    BeefNoJerky New Member

    Hi Caoimhin,

    Thanks for this:
    "Depression can sap the will out of a person. Depression + PMO = ? A life lived just getting by. No energy or motivation. Everything is too much effort."

    Sorry, I'm not sure how to do the purple box thing.

    Though you're way ahead of me, I find that doing the sorts of around-the-house errands have been really liberating. It's as if I'm shedding the dark little corners of inactivity and replacing them with vibrant activity. In this way, for me anyway, doing the dishes becomes significant and hopefully the markings of a genuine change in trajectory.

    Thank you for your candor, too.

    BeefNoJerky
     
  19. stretcher

    stretcher New Member

    I feel for you, man. Christmas without friends or family is unbearable. Even the internet is unbearable then.
     
  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    One of my often-repeated mantras comes from Dune :

    LITANY AGAINST FEAR
    I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    Only I will remain.

    I've struggled alot with a fear of life. Fear of close relationships. Fear of no close relationships. Fear of being along. And finally, the self-fulfilling prophetie, being alone.

    But I wasn't alone. I could go to the magazine, to the website and feel good. It was fear of feeling bad so I sought to feel good. Never bad.

    Anyways, choosing to do opposite means working hard to change. Not just about PMO but about lots of stuff. Some I'm not so good at because I have not eliminated all of my self-medication. I know that I have to though.

    Highlights of the day: not speaking everything I think.

    Still exploring the forum and finding incredible testamonies.
     

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