Caoimhín's Way

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Caoimhín, Nov 11, 2013.

  1. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Alone in the house, behind closed doors, in front of the computer. Definite danger and temptation to PMO.

    That's why I decided to start this journal. I've been reading various websites and journals about the effects of porn for a while now and have reached 3 weeks with no porn, no orgasm, and no masturbation. But I am tempted at this moment and so the danger is greater and, I've learnt, that I must do something because the urge will pass. Even just writing about this seems to activate the same triggers. I guess it feels "dangerous" and "stimulating" to actually write about my porn addiction because, as far as I know, no one knows about this. I have never talked about porn or masturbation with anyone to any real degree. This is dangerous new territory for me.

    In fact, the porn I look at feels so far removed from the person I am that I would be completely ashamed to reveal this to anyone. It would be even devasting to be found out by the women I know. I don't even joke around much to buddies about this. I have lead a completely secret life that I am sure my friends would be shocked to discover. Is that part of the thrill? Is that the addictive turn-on?

    I think, for various reasons, porn has been a way for me to avoid dealing with painful relationships. I now realise that one of my patterns has been to seek/create/prolong the times when I am alone so that I can "take advantage" of the opportunity for porn. I have been avoiding people, keeping my distance from real women, shunning real life, locking myself away from the world -- all for an illusion of life. I'm in my 40s and, even though the realisation that porn was hurting me has been brewing for a little while, it has taken me this long to put porn on the target and take aim for it. I have quit porn in the past, and half-hearted attempts to stop masturbating, but never with the combined knowledge of what it means to have "my brain on porn" and with the comprehension of how the porn addiction is linked to many of my other problems: ED, depression, anxiety, relationship issues.

    Since I discovered More Joy of Sex in my father's drawer as a teenager, to porn magasines, to my first Internet, my porn experience has been escalating. Hours and hours sitting alone in front of the computer. It is so clear now, it takes more and more extreme porn for me to get excited. In fact, a lot of porn won't even work for me now. Just masturbating, even with extreme porn fantasies, would leave me flat and pannicky about not being able to come. I've never mentioned this to anyone: I went through a period where it was a real turn on to masturbate in public toilets. But then along came the Internet, then pictures turned into video. Since I'm telling it all: my on-line porn evolved into extreme, hard-core, gay, brutal stuff.

    My romantic life is flat too. In fact, my last girlfriend, during sex, I sometimes had to use extreme fantasy to achieve orgasm. It felt wrong and bad to be with a real, live person and to find that that was not enough. More alarming, the thought of hooking up with another woman, not being able to get it up, and having to make up excuses. I would like to be able to approach women without having the extra fear of not being able to perform.

    The week after I stopped, I had 2 of the most bizarre sexual dreams. I did not orgasm but in my dreams I did. I was doing things in my dreams that I would not do in real life. I felt like I was being tested and tempted by my brain; a brain that did not want to let me change - that had it's claws gripping firmly into me. So, I said to myself, this must be a sign that I am on the right course. I am tired of my fantasies being about people and situations that are unreal and that do not reflect my basic humanity. I am tired of carrying a dark, dirty secret. I am tired of not having a companion in life. I am tired of not having the real, physical love of a woman. I am tired of not being able to love.
     
  2. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Welcome to the forum... I personally kept trying to give up porn by willpower and failed. It was this forum which really enabled me to go some time without having a binge.
    I'm certainly much happier but hoping to see some results soon as well.

    Anyway good luck with this, I totally relate to the idea of having a secret life which is shameful. I think part of healing up is letting that shame go, and a quick read about this forum shows you a wide ranging group of intelligent, good men who got trapped into this addiction.
     
  3. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Caoimhin. Welcome. The secrecy is isolating. The addiction does cut us off from relationship and other people. It cuts us off and shuts us off into our selves. It is hell. The cycle you describe is classical. Beowulf is right about shame. Let the past go. The shame is part of the addiction. You have good insight into the addiction. And you already have 3 weeks of freedom. reading and posting on other journals benefits the recovery process. wishing you all the best.
     
  4. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Thanks for the welcome and the comments both really hit the target. I feel cut off from other people and shut off from my own body. I read on other journals about other ways that people, and me as well I see now, use porn to shut out the world. How bloody true. Time flies by and I can spend several hours a day just clicking and edging, and trying to get as much as possible. But I am not thinking or engaged. I am zoned out like a zombie. There are other ways that I zone out like this, perhaps Internet being one of the worse. But it is a dead zone. I've realised how little physical pleasure I am actually getting. M barely even feels good anymore and O is always disappointing. It feels like I am just pounding away like some mindless piston. How can something like MO become so pleasureless?

    Admitting this whole PMO lifestyle that I've been living for about 25 years to this forum, where I am anonymous, has been hard enough. But you are right, the shame is the biggest thing that I've got to shelve. I tell you one thing, I feel so good lately when I achieve something like socialising, exercise, odd jobs around the house, getting things done, instead of wanking off and feeling bad. I know that my porn and masturbation is an addiction. I know that life is passing me by and I'm just stuck in a trap of isolation. One of my main goals is to respond to the urge for PMO by doing something with real people: ie getting out, meeting friends, dating, heck even chatting up women, flirting, testing the waters, getting burned, maybe even getting lucky.

    I think that my mind has to redefine what a woman is.
     
  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I'm just listening to this :

    http://www.cbc.ca/ideas/episodes/2013/10/21/generation-porn-1/
    The program Ideas, on CBC radio, episode Generation Porn
     
  6. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    It is interesting that when I started P I thought it would help me with women to be more experienced with sex. I had read somewhere that edging could help delay O. I would be able to last longer and please her more. At that point, I had never had sex with anyone and I was generally off like a fire cracker.

    Contrast that to when I finished with P: it didn't excite me, I couldn't get off, I was alone without a girlfriend and partner in life. Porn is a lie.
     
  7. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    And it has a lot of money to use to spread the lies.
     
  8. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Indeed it is a lie. It's nothing more or less than a fallacy.
     
  9. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Day 23

    I'm not sure what my record has been in the past. Maybe a month. On the one hand, I've not been tempted by P but on the other MO would feel good now. I'm aware any time my hands go down "there", I think about it. It is weird being so honest about this.

    At this point, I understand that MO is just as much the problem as P and to break the one, I need to stop the other as well. Sometimes I think it sad that I can't just pleasure myself like before. I forget where, but was reading on the forum the idea of PMO - never again and how to wrap your head around it. It's a big concept.

    Is it easier if you have a wife/partner and the outlet of sex? Of course, I'd like nothing better. But I wonder how P might have effected my last relationship. It was about 2 years ago. I completely lost the plot with her. She pressured me for more committment and I bailed out big time. I feel very bad about this but also realise that there was something wrong with me. Did PMO dull my senses to the real woman I had with me? Or did it give me the easy way out instead of working hard on the relationship?

    Has PMO been whispering in my ear, like the devil over one shoulder and the angel over the other, to walk away from pain, effort, life, reality?

    Going to play soccer tonight. I do this once or twice a week. When I run my ass off, there is no time to feel bad about anything. It feels awesome.
     
  10. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    Caoimhin: happy that you are doing well. I enjoyed reading your insight about how P may have affected your relationship. it affects us in more ways then we realize. and being sober also affects many aspects of our life.
     
  11. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Just about to go to bed. I'm trying to get more sleep because I've read that sleep helps you heal physically and that helps you heal mentally. Just thought that I'd read a bit on the forum before.

    I am fascinated that there are other men out there that have had similar/worse experiences than me. It really does change the landscape to know that others are fighting the life-destroying effects of addiction. Even just to put a label on PMO as bad has been earth shaking. When I first started getting deep into PMO, I felt liberated. No sexual hang ups with me. I was exploring my body and giving myself pleasure. People against PMO were close-minded. What I was doing was healthy. All guys do it and since the 60's we were no longer afraid of sex.

    That's tricky, eh? I don't want to be hung up over sex and my sexual needs. But somewhere along the line, my sexual needs got submerged in a tidal wave of easy sexual images. I can still feel the extra tingle of danger in my dick when I did the more and more "dangerous"stuff. Electrical, tingling, explosive... Then, perhaps about 2 years ago (but I didn't really notice it until much later) the explosions became more rare, the P more extreme. I'm not saying that I've become conservative or repressed, but it does seem that P, M, and O (all of them) are part of a mental problem that I have. It doesn't work for me and being in a healthy state. I can't do it without harming myself.

    I wrote earlier about having to redefine "woman". It seems in my mind, there is the image of the mother and the image of the slut. My brain has been wired to search for sex with the slut. But in my life, I am attracted to women who are not the slutty vamps I see in P. They are not saintly mothers either but somewhere in between. No wonder I can't associate sexual excitement with "real" women.

    This reboot is going to take maybe longer than I though.
     
  12. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    You're only 24 days in. You'll be amazed at how fast the progress comes and how long it continues.
     
  13. nofapado

    nofapado Guest

    It's true that it's right to respect and honor women. A women does not need to look like a tramp to be great in bed. Remember the Crobsy Still and Nash have a song Fair Game.
    "The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch
    She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch
    And try your hand at conversation gossip is a lie
    And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die."

    And remember the old mothers say that a wife needs to be a "Maid in the living room, cook in the kitchen, whore in bed." The motherly types can be awesome lovers and good mothers to boot.

    I don't look back on my PMO days with total disgust. As you point out, I did learn a lot about my body, sex, addiction and my brain. And every day the desire for P teaches me about my brain. When I read and hear about addiction I can relate. I am thankful that I was not addicted to drugs or alcohol. PMO is a teacher. Now I keep in mind that the dopamine flows with desire. It is the craving that we need to catch. When the craving starts we need to change our thoughts and actions to avoid fueling the craving. It is the craving where the dopamine flows. We need to shift focus as to not fuel the craving. Your doing great Caoimhin. Keep going strong. you are doing good.
     
  14. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I noticed the same.
    After 55 days without O I have still no morning wood or wet dreams. I will take the time for the reboot, no matter if I need a year without O or if I have to start again after a relapse. I want a healthy sex drive and regular sex with a normal women.
    Wish you the best for your journey. You are doing great.
     
  15. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I had an interesting dream last night.

    I was just starting to have sex with a beautiful dark-haired woman. She was a prostitute. We were actually in a room with other people and I think that people on TV could see us as well. I was "getting to work" and she complained that there were too many people around. We moved to a more private room next door. I kissed her on the mouth and she turned her head not wanting that kind of intimate attention. She just wanted me to have sex with her. Anyways, I continued kissing her elsewhere and, of course, my dream ended before O. I did not have a wet dream.

    It all seems so representative of what is going on in my brain. It still wants to go to the "whore" but at the same time, I am getting a message that I can't be "intimate" with whores. If I want a deeper relationship, I need to find a woman, not a whore. Sorry, I know it is all wishy-washy, but my dreams carry great significance for me. They don't tell me what to do, but reveal things about my reality.
     
  16. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I had a lot of strange dreams early in the reboot, many of them sexual in nature. I think you are very astute in your interpretation. Intimacy is very satisfying, meaningless sex leaves one feeling empty. The first symptom of my marriage going south was when sex lost its appeal, in part because the intimate bond was breaking down.
     
  17. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    What a powerful concept: the intimate bond. Of course! we can have intimate bonds with P, only with real people. P can destroy intimate bonds, as you have experienced LTE. I wonder, because I've been PMOing for so long, long before I had any real relationships, if I ever really had a truly intimate bond. My ability to form intimate bonds was destroyed? Or never developed? It feels like it sometimes. I dispair of ever being as close to another human in that way. I do see now some of the obstacles that I have been putting in between me an intimacy. Running away from life, I guess.

    I am finding journalling very good for me. I do appreciate, and am stunned by, the increadible frankness with which guys are revealing themselves and expressing things. I keep on reading the journals and saying to myself: I've been there and I know exactly what he means. Very strong medicine.

    By the way, I am at this precise moment, in a trigger situation. My plans for Saturday have fallen through and I am alone at the house sitting in front of the computer. Response: I'm on my way out. Bye bye computer.
     
  18. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    That's a good plan. Go do something productive and/or recreational.
     
  19. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    With regard to intimacy being possible with porn use, I'll speak only from my own experience. For me, it interfered with my ability to be truly intimate. There was always an escape path back to fantasy. IMO, and speaking only for myself, I was definitely not able to fully experience intimacy because of porn and masturbation.
     
  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I did resist the urge. Went out and did stuff. Even though this evening, I spent on Facebook + alcohol and listening to sad music. Actually, more a mixture of sad, hard, numbing music. Is this better than PMO? Of course, but you know what I mean. I'm just sometimes sad about the way my life has unfolded.
     

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