Alone in the house, behind closed doors, in front of the computer. Definite danger and temptation to PMO. That's why I decided to start this journal. I've been reading various websites and journals about the effects of porn for a while now and have reached 3 weeks with no porn, no orgasm, and no masturbation. But I am tempted at this moment and so the danger is greater and, I've learnt, that I must do something because the urge will pass. Even just writing about this seems to activate the same triggers. I guess it feels "dangerous" and "stimulating" to actually write about my porn addiction because, as far as I know, no one knows about this. I have never talked about porn or masturbation with anyone to any real degree. This is dangerous new territory for me. In fact, the porn I look at feels so far removed from the person I am that I would be completely ashamed to reveal this to anyone. It would be even devasting to be found out by the women I know. I don't even joke around much to buddies about this. I have lead a completely secret life that I am sure my friends would be shocked to discover. Is that part of the thrill? Is that the addictive turn-on? I think, for various reasons, porn has been a way for me to avoid dealing with painful relationships. I now realise that one of my patterns has been to seek/create/prolong the times when I am alone so that I can "take advantage" of the opportunity for porn. I have been avoiding people, keeping my distance from real women, shunning real life, locking myself away from the world -- all for an illusion of life. I'm in my 40s and, even though the realisation that porn was hurting me has been brewing for a little while, it has taken me this long to put porn on the target and take aim for it. I have quit porn in the past, and half-hearted attempts to stop masturbating, but never with the combined knowledge of what it means to have "my brain on porn" and with the comprehension of how the porn addiction is linked to many of my other problems: ED, depression, anxiety, relationship issues. Since I discovered More Joy of Sex in my father's drawer as a teenager, to porn magasines, to my first Internet, my porn experience has been escalating. Hours and hours sitting alone in front of the computer. It is so clear now, it takes more and more extreme porn for me to get excited. In fact, a lot of porn won't even work for me now. Just masturbating, even with extreme porn fantasies, would leave me flat and pannicky about not being able to come. I've never mentioned this to anyone: I went through a period where it was a real turn on to masturbate in public toilets. But then along came the Internet, then pictures turned into video. Since I'm telling it all: my on-line porn evolved into extreme, hard-core, gay, brutal stuff. My romantic life is flat too. In fact, my last girlfriend, during sex, I sometimes had to use extreme fantasy to achieve orgasm. It felt wrong and bad to be with a real, live person and to find that that was not enough. More alarming, the thought of hooking up with another woman, not being able to get it up, and having to make up excuses. I would like to be able to approach women without having the extra fear of not being able to perform. The week after I stopped, I had 2 of the most bizarre sexual dreams. I did not orgasm but in my dreams I did. I was doing things in my dreams that I would not do in real life. I felt like I was being tested and tempted by my brain; a brain that did not want to let me change - that had it's claws gripping firmly into me. So, I said to myself, this must be a sign that I am on the right course. I am tired of my fantasies being about people and situations that are unreal and that do not reflect my basic humanity. I am tired of carrying a dark, dirty secret. I am tired of not having a companion in life. I am tired of not having the real, physical love of a woman. I am tired of not being able to love.