Can I rebuild this shipwreck?

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Tea-man, Sep 22, 2021.

  1. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    It came crashing down 4 months ago, when she said she was leaving
    I thought our relationship was great... I mean, every relationship has its problems right? But ours had very few - I did what she wanted and avoided disagreements (even if it did affect me - maybe it showed up in my mood a little too much), and then one day I was told that she wasn't happy, was disconnected... that it wasn't worth it any more
    I was disconnected too - sometimes it felt like we were roommates - and I wasn't happy a lot of the time, but I always thought we were there for each other. Maybe it was just me being there for her... (But maybe I wasn't really there at all?)
    It was a relationship that was literally half my life. My identity is about to be stripped away when I have to break the news to everyone... I have avoided telling people because I thought we could save it, but it's looking pretty doubtful. She doesn't feel like trying. Now that I think about it, she hardly tried with anything... if she felt tired, bored, anything - she was a slave to her desires and wouldn't care who she let down. If she was a dude, would have definitely loved porn. Maybe we were more similar than I thought...

    For me, porn was not the main issue... She had no idea of the extent of my use, and when she walked in on me one time years ago she laughed rather than got mad or anything - but it is a symptom. The symptom of drifting through life, in my comfort zone, no goals, no determination, and taking the easy way out. I started a journal back in the day, first a personal journal 7+ years ago and then one here more recently - tragic reading when I see how little has changed, how good my intentions were and how much time I've wasted since. But even though it's a symptom, getting rid of porn is step one of the rebuild. And the most important step - It is my most consistent and oldest 'coping mechanism', probably 25 years of gradual escalation - and I need to kill it, it's only getting worse. Working from home inefficiency meant I was working massive days so I listened to the little voice that said I "needed a little something to help me concentrate", and I slipped down the rabbit hole and fell further than I want to admit. I need to rebuild.. For my sake, the sake of the relationship if it has any chance at all - and if not, to be the person I want to be in future relationships
    NewHorizon and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  2. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    Taking it day by day, I am trying to keep myself busy.
    Journaling has really helped me in the past, so I started this to take note of my thoughts, if it helps someone in a similar situation then all the better. I was reading a bunch of Mark Manson stuff, I read the book ages ago but was just reading the articles and it was a great refresher - really reading it with new eyes now I can see how my relationship drifted apart, the warning signs were there I guess. I read the how to deal with loss article, it gave me some hope, a bit of a way forward in all this, if things don't work out
    -Luke- likes this.
  3. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    I want to work on myself but I still feel like I have no time with day to day responsibilities, but I am also wasting hours randomly browsing online. It is a battle, I feel like I have no willpower to snap out of it, and it is easy for me to convince myself that the most sensible option is to PMO and then I can get on with things, get the procrastination out of the way, and if I don't I will end up wasting more time. Not logical at all, but the mind plays these tricks
    I am making a list of things I need to work on every day, but I think the real trick will be to come up with some rules and habits so I actually follow through. As a minimum, I am going to do exercise and make time for hobbies - as a sacrifice I will need to cut computer time (maybe an electronic 'curfew' - worst case I may need to disable Facebook. I think also I need to plan things well enough so if I have a moment time I can just get straight into a hobby or something rather than having it be too much of an activation energy to think about what to do
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    All the best with your journey @Tea-man. I can absolutely relate on many points. Feeling like your responsibilities are crowding out your own personal development, but still turning to escapism thru the internet and P. I wish you all the success in finding new patterns and habits that will work for you.

    I believe there is hope for every shipwreck.
  5. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    Thanks Rudolf, your encouragement is really appreciated

    The last month has been tough, I guess the big breakthrough for me has been telling people, I have been given so much support, and I'm keeping really busy with people wanting to catch up. I have been struggling with emotions even so, I'm trying to keep distracted and it just translates to staying up and avoiding bed, no progress there. I'm still really hurting but I do have support

    The relationship is most likely over... I need to work on myself, for me, and I think that will ultimately be the best chance for saving things, or otherwise be the best chance of being the kind of person I need to be when I do meet someone else. It's hard to get out of this rut, I haven't even logged in here and I have to say I'm not doing great on the PMO side either, it has been stressful to sort out things between us but, for better or for worse, it looks like I'll have more space soon
  6. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    Wow... it's been a minute
    Relationship never repaired, it was a slow process to separate, and was alone for a year. I didn't care if I used porn during the time, but looking back although I used it a bit, at least it wasn't as bad as when I was stuck at home during WFH/Covid period, that's when I was at my (recent) worst. But I have slowly been increasing use, and started collecting again... and now it's starting to get in the way of my goals. And I can remember the last time I was in this situation, when I deleted my 'stash', it's hard. I should just bite the bullet, I don't know why I feel like it's so important to me, I mean, (unfortunately) it's free, unlimited and instant - but still, it's hard to delete it. I think it's because it's my comfort, when I'm at my worst. But I have to face that feeling. I'm going to have a break again. Try and be a bit uncomfortable, get a few things done. I have installed a social media and internet limiter on my phone, which is so far helping
  7. NewHorizon

    NewHorizon Member

    Wow, this hit home.

    Keep on fighting my friend !
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    I think it was Rudolf Geyse who recommended the "Metascript Method", google it, it seems to be a great little document, maybe it will help you.
  9. Tea-man

    Tea-man Member

    Looking into this now, it seems like a great idea for me to be my 'go to' use of time, thanks for the recommendation
    Yesterday was quite productive at work and I got to the gym afterwards, but then I fell into a habit loop last night, scrolling on instagram mostly but a bit of P, ended up staying up late, and woke up today tired, with a messy house, going to be at work late... definitely need this change.

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