Call it magic!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by kira, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. kira

    kira Member

    Today is a breaking point for me. I have been running away from so much pain and have let myself and the world completely exploit my inner child.

    I have been numbing nine years of pain and have shown complete disregard to my feelings. I have found my reason for change and this time there is no sitting on the fence or crocodile tears.

    I can clearly see where I am going and the number of years I have wasted on this addiction just angers me & it breaks my heart.

    Sitting for a year at home has made me realize that things will not Change if I dont take charge. I already knew this but reality strikes one pretty heard.

    Now I am still the same person and change is probably not what I have been fantasizing about. It is not so heroic as depicted in the movies, it is actually a boring set of steps taken repeatedly everyday, overtime which causes change.

    Big words don't matter if they are not executed so my plan of action is to start with my
    1) Daily 5 (do five things everyday which will change my life & increase my self esteem overtime)
    2) Keep a list of all the things which I have been postponing or scared of so that I know what to focus on during the day and not get distracted.
    3) take action on the list every single day. The size of the action doesn't matter.
    4) Meditate and practice building a gap from the train of thoughts & emotions. It is important to not get caught up in it. My thoughts & emotions are not me.
    5) Keep momentum. This is the most important part as I have previously made several commitments and have failed to follow through after a week or so. "Consistency is the mother of mastery" -- I need to remember that. Without it everything is in vain.

    As a way to keep myself accountable I will update my journal everyday for the next thirty days.

    Its going to be uncomfortable and frustrating, I am expecting that but PMO is not an option anymore.
  2. kira

    kira Member

    Day 1:

    Instead of five I ended up doing three things which I had planned for myself. Playing that game in the afternoon cost me a lot. I started playing telling myself that this will be only for 30 mins but I just kept on playing for 5 hours! Very much like porn, you just want to have a peak but then cannot stop yourself.

    I am not going to beat myself up for this. What I need is perspective, playing games, pmo'ing or daydreaming for long hours are just coping mechanisms I have developed to avoid work. Yesterday a very old memory came to my mind:
    When I was in school, me and my friend were pretty average in studies & sports. We used to be together all the time, I used to go at his house on weekends to play computer games. One day, after a grilling session with his parents he decided that he wants to get better in studies and started doing things differently. He was scared that if he doesn't work right now, his future will be bleak. Meanwhile I continued my habits and every year my grades dropped with my self-esteem, soon enough I got into pmo. Fast forward to now he is working in the Big 5 companies while I am sitting at home since past ten months getting worse every single day.

    Now I am not saying that my friend is a big shot and very successful but he is definitely at a much better stage than I am. Since childhood I have associated work/studies as something which is boring or where I have to 'work extremely hard' while habits like pmo, day dreaming, youtube, tv are the ones where I looked for happiness.

    I remember once when my friend had bought a new game, I asked him if he is going to play it as soon as he goes home. He said "NO! First I will study". This is the difference, as I would have done the opposite and may be giving studying a pass.

    I have been really bad at self control since the very beginning and I have trained my mind to look for happiness in all the wrong directions. This is the reason I don't feel motivated to change my life. A part of me wants to change and wants to take actions aggressively but my default brain knows that pmoing, gaming, tv or basically anything that would distract me from the task at hand, will bring me instant happiness. Little does it understand that it is temporary and will bring back more pain.

    It's said that we are what we practice the most. I have conditioned myself for distraction & disruption through self-sabotage. It is time to change what I have associated with. Work/gym/meditation/reading are actually the tools which will bring lasting change and I need to recondition myself with it.

    More Focus, Less distraction.
  3. kira

    kira Member

    Day 2:

    I did four out of five things today.

    Positives: Went to the gym today after two weeks. Worked on developing my skills. Meditated & did my physio exercises well. Got an interview call as well.

    One doesn't see any immediate results. It's just a series of small wins everyday that will eventually push me towards the upwards spiral. Well I will not call today exactly a 'win' in the sense but it was maybe a little better than yesterday. I spent nearly six hours working on my skills but the overall output was tiny! The thing I realized today is that I am not as smart as I thought I was. In the evening, anxiety hit me really hard I felt so dumb because I wasn't able to solve simple problems.

    This is completely opposite from the kind of person I want to be. Instead of beating myself up and putting labels I am taking this as an opportunity to work harder on my skills. We are what we practice the most and if I keep on working on myself everyday, improving day by day then soon enough I will get better with my skills.

    My dreams are possible and the universe is helping me get there. Every disappointment, anxiety, self-critical thought is just an opportunity for me to shift the frequency and show some compassion to myself.
  4. kira

    kira Member

    I am coming back on the forum after a long time. Things have changed in the past few months. I completely failed to achieve what I was supposed to in the past year in terms of both health & career and the results were out in April-May. Initially I couldn't handle it and went into a complete loop of misery and self-loathing and we know what comes with that.

    Now I have moved passed my mistakes and trying to see things as they are and not amplifying anything. Since a year I have been ranting about 'If I don't change, this will happen by next year' well it seems like my biggest fears have come true. On the contrary last few weeks had been good. I was off pmo and gradually working on my skills and myself but today again because of a misjudgment I relapsed and binged after weeks of abstaining. My initial reaction was normal but now all these negative thoughts have surfaced again. If I am busy all day working on myself and my health then I hardly notice any -ve thought & even the fantasies come and go.

    Today I was home and my old self took over and now I am just amplifying my weaknesses.

    The realization I have had in the past few weeks are:
    1) I am still sitting on the fence on this pmo thing. It is not helping me and today I saw the direct effect of it. It is causing more harm than I had imagined.
    2) My reality is bad right now. But it can get worse! as its said "a pessimist thinks that things cannot go bad while a optimist knows that it can" my future will be far worse if I don't make tough calls now
    3) Awareness is my strongest tool in the box! not motivation or anything else. The power to stay with the emotions good & bad and be open to learning is where the magic happens.
    4) My fantasies are just wishful thinking which has no credibility when it comes to reality. It is not difficult to overcome day dreaming, I just need to stay with those thoughts rather than letting them control me.
    5) The most important thing is to understand that things are not going to change if I don't take any action. In my dreams I want to be this idea version of myself but in reality not willing to pay the price for it. There is nothing free in this universe, to get anything a price needs to be paid. I cannot be that superhero who is good at everything nor I need to be. Happiness and contentment doesn't work that way. I can be me and still be happy. Happiness is a tool which needs to be learnt.

    Now I can brood about what I did today or I can take this day on which I will build my future years. There is nothing new in Mo'ing, its the same old feeling good for one second and miserable the next few days! My fantasies are just thoughts which have been wired in my head, once I focus on building my new life they will weaken. And also I CANNOT SUCCEED WITHOUT REWIRING. Rewiring & rebooting goes hand in hand.

    It's okay to feel bad, there is nothing to run from. Instead be open to learning..
  5. kira

    kira Member

    Life is tough! and the outside world is selfish and everyone is looking after themselves. If I fail people will ignore me but if I succeed the same people will call me. This is just how the way it is. I don't have to be scared of anyone. I believe in karma, people who will do bad to be will suffer the same consequences.

    I am on my own..if I don't take action and try to convert those opportunities then someone else will. I need to stop criticizing myself. I can be bold and I can be strong. I just need to adopt different patterns of thinking and living. If I want something I will have to fight for it, it will never be given to me. Life is complicated & difficult and its time I wake up to reality. If I don't then I will be left behind. Nobody Cares! My parents will help me initially but then what? how will I look myself in the mirror? how will I face the world with this version of me?

    I cannot change the world so I need to change and adapt with various circumstances. Getting disheartened is a part of life and this is the time when I can learn to pick myself up and carry on despite all the adversaries because:

    Why do we Fall Bruce? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.
    Sage likes this.
  6. Robane

    Robane Member

    Hello bro! This is actually my first post in a while as well. I had to take some time off the forum to gain some perspective. I've been learning about the power of positive affirmations and how raising your body's natural vibration can help u attain the success you want quicker and eliminate the negativity (i.e. Porn, impotence, depression, unsatisfaction) from your life more efficiently. Porn is just a symptom. It is a direct result of a poor lifestyle and a negative/pessimistic outlook we have on our own lives. I'm getting to the point where I don't care about streaks and how long my last reboot was. Now I see porn as just a signal that something is out of balance in my life, and I need to rectify that. I'm not condoning the use of porn, however. I'm just saying that it is not the main problem that needs fixing. Once we fix the main problem in our lives, there will be no room for porn anymore. This is a short post. Will go in detail later or on my own journal. Will leave you with some interesting links that I hope you will do more research on.

  7. kira

    kira Member

    Hi Robane,
    Good to hear from you again. This is the common faulty method most people use while trying to quit porn. When we truly realize this, we are no longer scared of pmo but take it at a signal that something needs to change in our lives. Thank You for sharing those links I will have a look at it.

    I haven't been very active on the forum either but I am planning to come here at least once a week as it helps me keep focus on why I started this journey and what will happen if I don't stop.

    Keep Going brother!
  8. kira

    kira Member

    I am home alone again and this is one of the biggest triggers for me to fall back to pmo. 'Just one last time' never actually becomes a last time. I have been having urges since morning and have been stalling it till now which has affected my productivity while studying. I want to reach to a place where I stop struggling in my mind whether I should relapse or not. The answer should always be a NO. That argument takes a lot of my energy and time.

    What good has ever come out of relapsing anyway? It has caused massive imbalances in my mind, significantly affected my mental health and has made me mediocre. What really helps me during the times of strong urges is awareness. Being conscious brings me back to the present moment where I can choose to go for long term instead of short term happiness.

    Pleasure is not the end goal for life, continuous learning is. The main problem I have realized for me is my habits of fantasizing about random events in the past and future. I get so lost in my own mind that it takes full control of my emotions and I loose track of reality. Today I started thinking about loosing a loved one and was so involved in my own thinking that I didn't even realize that I was talking to myself and even started crying. This behavior is really alarming as thoughts alone are controlling my emotions and behavior. I haven't lost anyone but just by thinking about it for extended period of time makes my cry.

    I had always been a day dreaming kid so this habit has become ingrained. But it can be changed through awareness.

    I will not relapse today and I will not let my mind control me. This will be a big win for me today as in many years I have never managed to stay away from pmo when I was home alone.

    I am not a hopeless case, just a troubled one. Things can get better. Just by writing this post I feel 70% of my urges disappearing as I am again focused on what is most important to me in the present. One step at a time and I will conquer. Porn has nothing to offer me.
  9. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Hey kira, we share many similarities. I'm not used to being alone in a room for a long time. Urges to watch porn hit me hard sometimes that I can't focus on my study at all. I also daydream quite often and it causes mood swings.
    But as my streak goes on, I find these problems less severe now. They still occur every day but I stop making a big deal out of it. Today I felt strong urges in the morning so I went to the gym and trained my legs. It calmed me down. Then in the afternoon I managed to study for more than 2 hours straight and I felt great. I also find myself procrastinating less as I am more determined to face challenges instead of running from it. Today I found out that I was much more relaxed when I saw someone else walking towards me on the street than before. I used to feel a lot of anxiety when I saw someone coming my way because I felt like they would be judging me. I knew they didn't but I just felt that way.
    I believe what you said is correct, that all of it can be changed. Constant efforts need to be put in it but it's definitely achievable. Now I feel I'm on the right path and I hope you will feel the same way soon. Good luck with your journey, we are all on this together!

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