Call it magic!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by kira, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. kira

    kira Member

    Hi Wabi,

    I have improved a lot in the past one month (only relapsed thrice instead of 15 or 20 times what I normally would have done.) Also I refused to be that self hating forlorn asshole who keeps hosting a pity party.

    I looked back at my relapse and it happened because I couldn't handle my emotions and binged watched a television show where I was constantly ogling women and this led to an eventual relapse.

    Television shows has been a major source for my relapses and I have decided to cut them off completely once and for all. I actually watch them only to hide away from tough situations or work. The same reason why I use porn. So they are very closely related.

    I may have relapsed but I feel a lot happier because something inside of me tells me that I can make it.
  2. kira

    kira Member

    I relapsed again in my SLEEP. I was slacking off a little yesterday. I need to understand that every day is not going to be great but I need to try and make the bad days better and not worse.

    Day dreaming has always been very addictive and an integrative part of my personality so it will take some time to leave. Social media only brings fear and insecurity in my life and it's high time I quit it completely. My biggest fear is that I am a little soft and don't want to be a complete pushover in life. I have never lived without my parents help and now when I have to face the world all on my own scares the hell out of me.

    This is only because I lac self-confidence. There is this girl who makes me feel insecure. This was the reason I relapsed yesterday. Obviously, I cannot blame others for my failures.

    I need to shift my attention to myself completely. I have to stop comparing myself to others. It is easier said than done but this is the only way. Every second I spend time thinking about someone else's success/hardwork, I am taking out time from my own.

    Today I am going to make a list of all the small things I can do daily which will increase my confidence overtime. I can change, I can be better. No one get put a tag on me. I am my own best judge. "Daily iterations overtime bring staggering results"
  3. kira

    kira Member

  4. kira

    kira Member

    “Satan does not need to overpower us in order to win the war. He only needs to get us to adopt his way of fighting it.”
  5. jkl

    jkl Member

    Perhaps you can call it magic based on how people continue to pmo even though they know it was a harmful addiction.
  6. kira

    kira Member

    I haven't relapsed now in a while but day dreaming keeps haunting me. It has become so habitual that I struggle a lot to get it in control. I am so critical about day dreaming only because it hinders my progress in work and improving my mental health.

    Yesterday was a difficult time for me. All my past mistakes came as a scary ghost to bite me in the ass. I had never felt so anxious, depressed and angry in my entire life. Though after sometime I became normal but the problem causing these emotion still remains and the only way I can solve it is by gradually working towards it and stop day dreaming.

    I have an improved sense of perception now. I am training myself to stay in the moment and concentrate on what's important now. Problems in life comes as teachers and I need to learn my lesson from it.

    I have indulged in day dreaming ever since I can remember so its a highly wired habit and will take time to be overcomed. I remember as a child I used to go to my fantasy land in class, while studying and even while talking to people. This habit along with many others has disturbed a large portion of my life and now I will have to pay the price.

    Fortunately I am still very young and have time to rectify what I have done wrong. Motivation is a cheap feeling and I cannot rely on it. Irrespective of how I feel about myself and the world I can still take those actions which will eventually get me where I want to be.

    After reading wabi's journal I realized goals need to be broken down into simple practical steps in order to achieve them. I have decided to practice box breathing everytime my mind wanders or goes to fantasy land. This will enable me to stay in the present and focus on what's important.

    Box Breathing:-

    1) Breathe in slowly through your nose for 4 seconds. Concentrate on how your belly is moving while inhaling.
    2) Hold for 4 seconds
    3) Exhale for 4 seconds
    4) Hold for 4 seconds again
    5) You can say a mantra while inhaling/exhaling.
  7. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    I have a little problem understanding most of what you say.

    What's wrong with day dreaming? Why would you want to stop it?

    you say it hinders your progress - progress as moving towards something, from one point to another? What's the starting point and where is it all going?

    If I'd have any kind of "advise" for you - think what is the starting point and where you're really moving. Towards what?

    Why is there any problem?
    When the daydreaming comes - just watch it. Observe.
  8. kira

    kira Member

    Because I spend to much time in fantasy land and I have no control over it. I spend hours dreaming about ideal fantasy situations in a day. It detaches me from reality and when I return to my senses, it causes depression and worthlessness. Anything done excessively is not good. I enter this trance state of mind where I loose track of time and space while day dreaming. I need to learn to live in the present.

    I want to be a great engineer, have good mental and physical health and improve my connection with people (social skills). I have a vision in my mind of what kind of person I want to be. This can only be achieved if I am taking out time everyday to take small steps towards these goals. But instead I waste time day dreaming, feeling guilty about it and sometimes even relapsing to pmo.

    Watching TV shows, day dreaming, pmo are all my escape mechanism from negative emotions and the discomfort which comes from doing something new.

    Fear of the future is my biggest trigger too. I want to calm my monkey mind as it has cause a complete havoc in my head.

    I have read your posts on the forum. You believe there are no problems (there is nothing wrong with me). I do agree to that to some extent but I can't completely wrap my head around it. If I am spending most of my day being a slave to my old habits and thoughts which has already made my life miserable then I can't really say that I am fine.

    When I know something is not good for me, I shouldn't be doing it.
  9. kira

    kira Member

    I don't intent to completely shut of day dreaming or be fearless. I am not striving to be perfect. All I want is to develop enough confidence in myself that I can face life and all its vicissitudes without running away.

    I don't want low self-esteem, fear and anxiety to run my life anymore.
  10. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    no one has control of anything.... Forget about control

    There is no future so there is nothing to worry aobout. Only "now".
  11. kira

    kira Member

    I have come to realize many things which I feel deep down I already knew but was not ready to accept it.

    1) My life is not going to change unless some new action is taken or new way of living is adopted. Things will probably get worse if I continue on this path of self-sabotage and misery.

    2) I will never ever feel those 'right emotions' which I have been yearning since so long which will suddenly jolt me to action and make changes and transform myself completely. It happens in small steps. Always. There is no song, video, quote, image or even a book that will transform my life. If I don't act on ideas then it is only wishful thinking. There is a difference between reality and fantasy/movies

    3) Motivation is cheap. What matters is how I am behaving when anxiety, negativity, wishful thinking and other perceived problems hit me because when they do motivation will die and I will never make any real changes. For real changes to last difficult steps and uncomfortable behaviors needs to be adopted.

    4) Irrespective to how I am feeling, action can still be taken. There is no 'right time' to do the right things. The time is now.

    5) No one can help me because even god help those who help themselves first.

    6) I am not what society tells me, I am not what my thoughts tell me and I am definitely not my past.

    7) I have made mistakes. I have adopted bad habits. I have bad thinking patterns and I definitely have unpleasant addictions. I am 21 years old and I have spent most of my life failing at what I do. Quite horribly actually. But what matters is what I choose to be now. I may have missed thousands of opportunities presented to me but that doesn't mean I will not have any new chance in the near future.

    8 ) If I don't change and worry about the time and chances I have missed, I will always be the same and a year from now I will look back at this moment and see how good things actually were. If I keep going like this, anxiety is going to drown me in the abyss.

    9) My past mistakes are going to haunt me for sometime and I am going to be ridiculed. People will make sure that I feel worthless, how I have been feeling since the past 20 years. Maybe what they say would be right at that moment but that doesn't mean things can't improve. In other words no matter how bad things go for me, it can never put a tag on me displaying my worth.

    10) Change takes time and I need to be sure about what I want to change. I don't necessary have to believe in myself and break bricks with my bare hands to be considered any good. All I need is a reason and small persistent steps everyday. Rest will follow.

    11) Sometimes I will not like what I am doing. I will even hate myself and everyone around me. There could be a lot of pain, anxiety, trouble, criticisms and problems but till I am sitting in the drivers seat of my car, life can definitely turn around. I cannot change what I have done or the problems I will face because of it but I can definitely change the thoughts and approach towards it.

    12) I have been criticizing myself since many years. Now I want to approve myself and take complete and full responsibility of where I am heading. Things can change, I can change and I will change. One small step at a time. There is no problem in this world that is bigger than me or which I cannot solve. Daunting things can happen. It is a possibility but also altering your reaction towards it is one.
  12. kira

    kira Member

    I am taking a break from this forum and many other things which I have been clinging on for a while. When I come back things will be better than it looks now.
  13. kira

    kira Member

    I am starting to see change in my behavior and mental thoughts. I have started to be more mindful about what is happening. Anxiety has been one of my biggest triggers for relapsing. I came across a great quote " The most important thing right now in your life is that you are alive". Whenever I feel anxious I remind myself this and immediately get to work or do something productive.

    Exercise is a king. It makes me feel good about myself. I was about to relapse in the morning but instead took my bag and stormed off the house to the gym. Now I feel more alert and better.

    Things at home have been very tensed lately. I said something to someone and now the matter is blown out of proportion. It caused a lot of negative thinking yesterday and I wasted quite some time. This is what I do, an anxious thought arrives and then keeps multiplying into unrealistic images in my mind into a downward spiral and at the bottom of the spiral lies a relapse and more self-hatred.

    I am proactively trying to do things which will push me in an upward spiral. I also realized how difficult it is for me to say 'sorry', I feel this cloud of emotions and a lot of discomfort. I will meditate more on that.

    For now, I have a lot of work to do. I have realized that you need to be very sure of what you want to achieve. 'Let's try and see where it goes' generally leads to no where. I have clear well defined goals for the next three days and will be focusing on them one goal at a time. I am running short of time and need to produce great output. It is possible, I know it. The human mind is capable of doing more than we think.

    I have also downloaded a diary app on my phone along with an app to practice gratitude everyday before I go to sleep. My outlook on life is changing and I am going to be more positive even when the odds are against me. Journaling is a great way to get your thoughts together but I am not sure if I need two journals. At least for now I don't have any plans to abandon this journal but eventually I would want to shift completely on the app I downloaded as it also has a web interface.
  14. kira

    kira Member

    We are on this planet for only a brief period of time, let's not waste it watching porn.

    **no more hiding behind porn**
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2017
  15. kira

    kira Member

    Failing to plan is planning to fail!

    I make commitments and decide on what I want to achieve but due to lac of planning I am never able to achieve anything. My time is just being wasted doing things which I don't want to do and still doing it due to sheer power of habit.

    I need a vision of where my life is going in terms of health, career, personal development and take small action each day into achieving them. Instead all I am doing since past few months is getting up late-feeling guilty-having junk-watching tv shows-day dreaming- feeling bad/self-hatred-relapsing-falling sick-sleeping late-deciding to change and doing that all over again.

    It's a habit loop of misery and my negative thinking patterns which I have developed since many years are just fueling these behaviors. I relapsed today, didn't want to relapse this year. It could have been amazing to start a whole new life in 2017 but bad habits catch up with you no matter how much you try to run from them.

    If I want to change then I need to change my daily behaviors. I feel this urgent need to act as the coming few months are going to be a stressful period in my life and I don't want it to make it worse. I want to change my mindset and view problems positively as something which will make me better.

    I need to stop talking and start doing!!!!!!!!!!

    My self-confidence and self-esteem has taken a terrible hit. I have reached an all time low and feeling completely frustrated with myself and my habits. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE, it is just getting worse by the day. I am digging a hole for misery and failure and cannot get out if I just keep digging more.
  16. kira

    kira Member

    The best strategy of getting into an upward spiral is to stop being hard on our self and try to understand why we are feeling what we are feeling. Vegvigsir suggested me to read 'Inner Bonding' and I personally have felt that book to be life changing. I am still not done reading it but it gave me perspective on what I am lacking in life. My inner child is hurt and I have not done enough to take care of him as a responsible adult.

    I have started to be more mindful of my thoughts and have realized that most of my worries and thoughts are the same from the previous day. My internal state completely gets fucked up when negative thoughts control my day. I also need to reflect more on my relationship with my father. I have started to realize that I have a lot of suppressed anger against him and it is killing me inside.

    Since I started with this self-sabotaging habit, I have been very obsessed with this girl. It's been 8 years now and I still fantasize about her every now and then in my degrading femdom fantasies. A few weeks back when I desperately wanted to relapse, I asked myself why am I doing this? It opened my eyes when I realized that all these fantasies is just a reflection of my insecurities and how I don't deserve something or someone. I definitely had a crush on the girl I have been obsessing about in school and also most of the women I have fantasized about till date.

    My self-worth till now was dependent upon what everyone else thinks about me and no wonder it has gone for a toss. I am renewing this right now thorough re-connecting with my inner child. A job, dream university admit, women, respect from peers, money is not necessarily going to make me happy. I need to connect with my inner-self and do what right's for me as a loving and responsible adult. It doesn't matter what others think of me; what matters is what I am telling my self and what stories I am putting in my head.

    No more beating myself up for my past mistakes. I have a very bad self-image which has been reinforced over the years. These coming months are going to be difficult for me as I try to uproot these nearly decade old negative beliefs and habits. I believe that I am worthy and completely deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life.
  17. kira

    kira Member

    No Matter how hard I try, urges will strike at some point or another. I can't run away from it. I have been clean nearly for a week now but today was a little tough when I felt strong urges to relapse at different times in the day:

    1) Once in the morning: I had been dreaming about my favorite fantasy scene and got this sudden strong urge to fantasize and MO. I didn't even realize what was going on in my drowsy state. I heard a voice in my head saying "Wake up! you are relapsing" and was jolted back to consciousness.

    2) Later in the afternoon I caught myself fantasizing about this girl. The urges got stronger but instead of indulging further with them, I picked my bag and went to the gym instead.

    3) In the evening I was surfing Linkedin when I came across many friends starting great jobs. Some are doing something else but still better than me. This caused a lot of anxiety, insecurity and self-pity: a perfect mixture for bad thoughts to enter. It did cause me to indulge in fantasies but instead of working on my skills, the power of habit won and I ended up netflixing and then later again went to fantasizing about that girl in the morning. Now I have strong urge to relapse but instead I came here on the forum and writing this to get my thoughts together.

    Change is tough and I am proud that I felt a bit uncomfortable through out the day, it means that I am improving and pushing myself outside my comfort zone. But tomorrow instead of being scared of that 'discomfort' I will change my mindset and feel happy about it instead as this is what change feels like.

    I also practiced some mindfulness on my way back from the gym which felt gold! Will be continuing this practice everyday now.

    There are some habits which still need to be uprooted from my routine: YouTube, laying in bed scrolling through my phone, observing negative/anxious thoughts rather than pushing them away, day dreaming, having HIGH expectations, lazing around, Netflix. These habits can cause me to loose my focus and will pull me down in the downward spiral. I left all social media sites. I stopped watching TV. All these felt difficult in the start but now I don't even think about it.

    Change is possible and I deserve to live a happy fulfilling life. "When you feel like giving up, remember why you started in the first place!"
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
    Londoner likes this.
  18. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Well done on handling those urges, and remember how you did it for next time!
  19. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks Londoner, hope you are doing good :)

    I came across a very important paragraph while reading the book Inner Bonding.
    This really strengthens the idea that the cause of this addiction is our inability to connect with our inner child and look for happiness else where. PMO makes me feel sad, alone and anxious. I feel so much connected when I am not staring at the screen or hiding from the world. I have relapsed multiple times recently but the entire basis of this reboot should be based on compassion towards ourself. I no longer call myself a looser or let worry take control when I get up late or do anything which I am not supposed to do. Gradually things will get better by installing new routines and habits. Every time I relapse it just means that I am not doing enough to connect with my inner child and need to drop the excuses to do the work.

    Lately I have been focusing to sharpen my concentration skill. Concentration is the most underrated skill, it is like a knife, when sharp enough can cut through anything.

    There is still a lot of work to be done. I need to make difficult choices but that can only happen when I am not at a war with my own self. Things will get better. I believe in myself and I know good lies ahead for me and all the people wanting to make a difference in their lives.
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2017
  20. kira

    kira Member

    Having strong urges to relapse.

    I need to find a way to be more compassionate towards myself. If I have installed bad habits and have been practicing being distracted or running away from my emotions because of fear then it will take some time to get it together. The thing is I expect too much from myself which becomes counter-productive. Right now as I am dealing with this flatline, 1 out of 5 thoughts in my head are about relapsing or some fucked up escalated fantasies trying to push me over the edge.

    Being strict and forcing myself to not think about it is not going to work. It may take a long time for me to get where I want to but if I keep overwhelming myself with all these expectations then I probably will still be stuck in this spiral. What my plan of action is that I am going to commit to very simple things everyday which seem very insignificant at the moment and will review my progress only after 30 days or so because change takes time and if I spend everyday trying to to figure out how I have improved then I am only going to get disappointed.

    Also I keep criticizing myself or feel ashamed because I have this compulsive behavior to binge on YouTube and TV shows. I feel these are again just ways I find to run away from reality to seek short term pleasure. Instead of feeling shame I need to feel proud of myself for the things I have done. I completely left social media sites which also were a part of my compulsive behavior.

    I have good intentions and am not a bad person. If I just give myself sometime to adapt and change and be there for 'me' during tough days, I am very sure I will make it till the end. This addiction feeds on shame and self-hatred and I am not giving it what it wants.

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