Call it magic!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by kira, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. jkl

    jkl Member

    I find that having a full time job helps a lot since I am no longer at the house as often and I get back home tired. I have also gradually left pmo, so try to increase your days between pmo.
  2. wilder

    wilder Member

    Hey man!

    First off, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself for fantasizing about random stuff - everyone does it. Heck, every time I go for a run I pretend I'm some superstar athlete or person saving the world LOL :p And sure, maybe you fantasize more than others, but honestly maybe it's TOO hard to tackle two birds with one stone right now. Maybe you need to fantasize for an hour a day to help give you the minimum comfort of not having porn.

    Taking things one step at a time isn't a bad way to do things, and for a lot of people I think it's essential actually. When you think about it realistically, if you need to postpone combating fantasizing another 6 months so that you can cope with your porn addiction, you'll already be further along in your no PMO journey than you were probably a year ago (does that make sense?). *I also personally found it easier to combat other addictions after having combated my primary one in porn*.

    Most important right now: deal with your porn addiction. Stay away from porn for 30 - 90 days, then see how you feel. Identify problems that you are experiencing outside of porn while on this journey. Once you feel comfortable try and rid yourself of those problems, but keep no PMO as the backbone of your goals - after all this is your biggest challenge.

    I think just about everyone on this site can claim they've been where you are and that they've gone through a TON of relapses over the course of their no PMO journey. It's all about finding what does and doesn't work though.

    Also, just because I think these things are essential.. consider lifestyle change and also incorporating exercise into your daily life.

    Feel free to PM me if you EVER need help, I'll be in touch! :)
  3. kira

    kira Member

    Hey jkl, I have been looking for a job since a while now but have been unsuccessful in finding one.

    @wilder Thank you for your support! The problem with fantasizing is that it doesn't limit till one hour. Once I start, I never stop. Most of my relapses are an indirect consequence of procrastination and day dreaming. It's like a downward spiral, once you start you go all the way down. I feel lifestyle change is what I need as this addiction is a result of me not being able to manage my life since many years. Overtime things have become worse and I only blame myself for it.

    It's not about one failure but repeated failure which breaks a man. If one doesn't learn from his mistakes he is only going to keep getting worse.
  4. kira

    kira Member

    I relapsed again today. Since past 18 hours I let my old habits take the better of me and then I couldn't stop the inevitable.

    This December I will complete two years on this forum. What has changed in these two years? Nothing. The maximum number of days I have gone without hiding behind pmo is 10. I am still the same person, probably have gained some weight and have more understanding of life and the human mind in general but I am still the same person.

    Poor habits, poor social skills, loud negative anxious mind, health issues, bleak career, detachment, low self esteem, fearful, pmo addict and escalated fantasies are all still prevalent.

    I don't see them as different problems but they all are just a by product of my complete inaction and incapability of changing my life and building new positive habits overtime. I understand old habits die hard but I am sure that it is not impossible.

    In school I was a weak student who nobody knew off. I blamed the world for ignoring me and thought this will change in college but it remained the same. Probably got a little worse in some areas and better in others but more or less the same. Today after six years I saw few of the popular people I went to school with doing extremely well in life. They chose a path of success and day by day kept progressing. On the other hand I chose a path of insecurity, fear and self hatred which made me this timorous mess.

    But this is in the past now, right now I feel very scared and anxious about my future which is filled with uncertainty and the more time I spend on pmo'ing, watching tv, day dreaming, youtube binge the worse that anxiety gets. Maybe it's the side effects of being an addict for many years or maybe all my fear and worries are actually true.

    I am glad that I haven't watched porn in three or four weeks but have kept relapsing on eye lid movies. But this is not enough. I need to strongly decide how I want to live my life or I will forever walk in circles. I need to have a plan. I need to calm my worrying mind and try living in the present. I need to find a reason to badly want to change my life.

    I have decided to take a break of 12 hours from all technology and just focus on my self and what I want. I need to be clear about this. This randomness cannot be tolerated.
  5. jkl

    jkl Member

    This post might be a little harsh but it is with good intention.

    You really need a wake up call. Two years and you still did not progress in beating this addiction? 10 day streak out of 2 years is not even 1% of the total days from two years. You really need to start to get control of your life because to be quite frank, you will end up like some of the other users on here who have been here and/or trying to break pmo addiction longer than you have and are still unable to beat it. Since you do not have a job, try starting your own business, go find a new hobby other than pmo/tindr/facebook/other social media which add very little value to your life. If you are still unable to do that, join the military. That is a sure way to break your addiction(s) while also giving you a paycheck and skills that you could really use in your life, like taking care of yourself, self control, leadership, and many more skills that you really do need. I know that pmo is a strong addiction since it has damaged many of our lives, but you also have to realize that you were are it for two years and still made little progress.
  6. kira

    kira Member

    Thank you for your concern jkl :)

    I am writing this post just so I can get my thoughts in order. So I relapsed again. Was not getting work done and things were getting really bad. My health was down and I was feeling guilt and pain. As always I started day dreaming about being this sportsperson and all, eventually my mind went to the pmo thoughts and then coming back wasn't possible.

    Although I don't know why am I writing this, this is not something new. This is how my life has been since past six years. Things haven't changed a lot. What I do is wrong? I know change is possible, but why don't I have any faith in myself? Since many years I have been unable to manage my life, thoughts and emotions and I have completely failed to control or change them. I dream too big and set unrealistic future scenarios in my head which only cause more unhappiness in my life.

    With years of failure I can say that life is not easy. It is difficult and complicated. It is natures law to wipe out the weak and prosper the strong. Now this puts fear in my heart. I feel scared. I am afraid. So is it fear that hinders me to get my shit together? even if it is, what am I scared of? Why don't I study/work and instead get distracted with short term pleasure when I know it will come back later to bite me in the ass?

    I need to stop day dreaming. I know this but still run away to my fantasy land when things get tough. I need to plan. I cannot say that I am motivated and I will kick some ass and change myself in the coming months. That is just big talk and I am really bad at executing it, history has it. My life is a mess right now, full of uncertainty and fear of the future. My past is a life full of mistakes which got me here in the first place and I just keep running back and forth between these two states.

    I have a lot of knowledge(through reading and experience). I know exactly what I am doing wrong. I know how to change it. I know that starting from now if I plan well and take small steps each day towards the life I want, it will happen. My health problems will go away as well if I just pay more attention into being healthy. If I replace the negative with positive, fear with faith and regret with wisdom my life will change dramatically.

    I no longer will be scared of the future. I shouldn't be. If I could just get my inner world in order, the outer world will fix itself. I know this, I know that change is possible even if I don't believe it. I know that the slight edge will work. I know that if I follow this, in 10 years time I will thank myself and feel proud and in fact grateful for being in this mess.

    Things which look difficult in the beginning get easier as time passes. I have a clear understanding of how I must live my life but why don't I do it then? Why do I keep asking for advice on this forum or elsewhere when I already know the answers? I mean no amount of knowledge is worthy if not put into action and the knowledge I posses right now is enough.

    What is stopping me? Really? Why am I not able to develop the growth mindset? Why do I live in fear when I know that faith is only one thought away? Why can't i control my mind?

    I am 21 years old and my life hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows till now but when I think about it I think I am the only person responsible for making it worse. Sure my childhood at problems, sure I practically have no skills at the moment, sure I was bullied, criticized and ridiculed mercilessly but the bigger problem I think is that I internalized all my problems and made it my reality. I accepted perceptions and thoughts which don't empower me. I let people call me a fearful, lifeless, boring, subservient boy and I even accepted it. I accepted that I cannot change my life. I accepted that I can't be great and I accepted mediocrity and a life full of worries, fear and low self worth.

    Of course if I have spent the last 7-9 years of my life masturbating to being dominated and humiliated by women and practically everyone. I cannot expect to have self confidence, can I? My fantasies have grown exponentially into the most embarrassing and extremely degrading things which I have started to feel okay about. This is the problem, I don't mind being a porn addict anymore and I think that is mainly because I don't know how my life will be without it. Now-a-days I don't even have to watch porn anymore, I just can make a movie right in my mind.

    Till I am addicted to porn I can numb all the negative emotions and avoid facing them. This is what I am doing. This is how my mind is tricking me.

    So now what do I do? how do I change this? should I worry about not feeling the urgency to change my life? or should I beat myself up for not hating porn and my current life with all its escapism. Well I cannot feel those emotions right now, it all has been numb by masturbating since many years. I don't think porn is a problem anymore. It's me. I need to fix my inner world, I need to manage my life and emotions. I need to stop hating. I need to stop feeling inadequate.

    Life is always going to throw problems in my way. Even if I get past this, something else will hit me with a brick. It's not about the difficulties. It's how I manage them. I need to learn how to not internalize them and see them as what they are. I need to keep this away from my identity. I have to get detached from my problems.

    Starting right now I am going to accept that I am going to fail. I am going to have thoughts which will make me feel good for the moment. I probably will get tempted to eat junk or have caffeine. I would want to run away from the present, from my goals. I would want to look at celebrities and other friends and hope to have a life like them. The truth is that everyone has problems. I am not going to look in my external environment for happiness. What I am going to do is take small action everyday. I know I have tried this before and have failed but this time I am not taking my old companion on this journey, that fearful and low self esteem guy who makes me feel like shit. I am going to set realistic plans and listen to that small voice in my head who still thinks I can do it.
  7. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Following on from what jkl said above - Facebook, etc. is terrible for self-confidence/esteem. Shutting mine down is one of the best decisions I've made recently.

    I posted this on my own journal, but this video is what prompted me to quit:
  8. kira

    kira Member

    Hey Londoner, thanks. I have seen this video in your journal. I deleted my social media accounts, only one is left which I try not to use. They reduce our self esteem by making us set unrealistic expectations. I mean nobody would want to post what is going wrong in their life.

    Congratulations of your number of days! :D happy for you. Don't give in now!
  9. kira

    kira Member

    Relapsed again after nine days. This time I actually thought that it will happen, I will be free but I couldn't keep myself focused, got distracted and dirty thoughts lead to the downward spiral. I haven't binged and will not do it either.

    I have a doubt. I have a very important exam in three weeks in which I need my full cognitive and intellectual skills. After a relapse my mind feels a little slow and my concentration decreases too. Is it because of the relapse or am I just manifesting problems which don't exist? Is it brain fog?

    Yesterday on day 8 I felt happy and good about myself. Even by observing the birds outside made me feel so good. I loved that feeling. I also had started to consider how sick my fantasies were and never wanted to indulge in them, ever again.

    Today I learnt how variant our mind is. This journey is full of up and downs, feeling good one moment and relapsing the next and I am pretty desperate to get out of this as soon as possible.

    I really can't point out the reason I relapsed today, I was not struggling with any negative emotions which I would need hiding from. In fact my morning was wonderful, I was inspired to take action.
  10. kira

    kira Member

    Binged like crazy all day!

    I feel like shit. I cant look myself in the mirror. I don' think I can get through this. I am too weak. I have been struggling with this since so many years and I have completely jeopardize my life in every way possible.

    I dont have a job, sitting at home since many months after graduation and have this exam coming up which I am certain I will fuck up if I don't change.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I deleted all social media acc but my stupid brain is stronger than I anticipated. I feel fucked. My life is a living hell.

    I hate myself. I have had enough.
  11. kira

    kira Member

    I am doing much better now, though the idea of relapse keeps circling around in my mind but I somehow manage to talk myself out of it.

    this post is about my insecurities which results in self sabotage. I am fearful and scared of the future and someone getting ahead of me. I have realized that future is full of uncertainty, I need to stay in the present and keep my focus on small gradual improvements.

    Motivation is a joke, I need to improve by 1 % each day in every field of my life. And I can do it. Exam approaching in a week and I gave a practice test yesterday in which I did horribly bad. My inner critical voice grew and started vilifying myself, the perfect cue for a relapse. But instead I just focused my attention on my breathing and reviewed the test to see where I went wrong.

    I can't control each and every thought in my mind and I have accepted that I cannot also be 100% focused on what I want to achieve all the time. There are going to be times when I want to day dream, worry, sleep or watch tv. The thoughts are always going to be there. I need to redirect them whenever I can. Baby steps count and I will take as many as required to get where I want to be.
  12. kira

    kira Member

    The temptation to relapse is getting strong day after day. I have an exam in a few days and I am not doing very well in the practice test. More than scoring bad in the exam I am worried more about what will happen after that. The level of anxiety and uncertainty will be sky rocketing as I will be left out of options.

    I feel so irritated as of now. This is the furthest I have gone in a reboot. Even someone's greetings makes me feel angry. I don't know whether it is because of the flatline or my anxiety and fear for the exam but I am just not in a very good emotional state right now and it is only getting worse.

    Time is running out and things to do is just sitting there, piling on top of one another.

    My mind keeps flashing these random images of insecurities to fuel my inner critic. It keeps making me feel bad about how I have wasted my time, how I have always lived in my shell, how I haven't taken concrete action against my ill health, how I am falling behind in life. It keeps comparing myself with my friends or people I know which just brings feeling of insecurity, fear and to some extent even jealousy.

    I am dealing with high levels of stress as of now but that is the problem with me. I worry to much and I am too serious in my life. The past two weeks have shown me how bad my confidence level is. How low I think of myself. I have lived most of my life in solitude and closed of and any social meeting makes me feel scared. Social situations demand for activities like singing and dancing which I am horrible at. People have laughed on me before when I have given it a try.

    Writing here makes me feel better. I feel less emotionally challenged and can articulate my thoughts well which helps me in dealing with them.
  13. kira

    kira Member

    Having a very bad headache. Don't know if this is because of rebooting or something else. I have been tempted on multiple occasions to relapse. But mindfulness has helped me navigate through tough times. It is pure gold.

    I have realized how social media influences my mood and has direct consequences on my self-esteem. This is the furthest I have been in a reboot and I overall feel happier. I still procrastinate and still have all the problems I used to before but even then I feel a lot better compared to when I was relapsing.

    Well I still have thoughts of a relapse and sometimes engage in eye-lid movies but I think it's under control comparatively. It's still useless though, fantasizing when I have no intention of putting my hands in my pants. This headache is being a huge hindrance to my ability to study. I was just about to go and visit my favorite site(porn stories) to see if there is any new content but repudiated the idea later and instead came here.

    I am still a little concerned about my fetishes which doesn't seem to be fading away, obviously it is too soon to judge. I am very sure it is porn induced and will take a lot of time to fade away as it took me years to get into this mess. Now the only way is out.

    Once my exam is over I will resume gymming again and will start healthy eating. I just hope I can ace this exam, I will literary be in a mess otherwise as I am out of options.
  14. howardroark

    howardroark New Member

    Love to see you doing better.
    Now is your chance to shine,you can easily crush the exam.
    Please keep going!!
  15. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks howard, I am really desperate to get out of this mess. How are you doing?

    I had a minor peak today, was constantly getting these images and couldn't stop myself from indulging in fantasies. With me the main problem is fantasizing than porn. It's actually pretty easy to quit porn.

    I realized how deeply wired and messed up these fetishes and addiction is in my mind. I had started at a very young age and now its grown into this ball of mess. I just had a minor peak and I already feel disgusted and desensitized.

    The things I have escalated on feels like a part of me as I cannot remember a life without it. I know these fetishes are just porn induced and a result of low self worth. It will never heal if I keep indulging in it, even if that is in my mind. Sooner or later I will end up relapsing.

    It's so tempting to hide behind eye lid movies and when I am in a bad emotional state it becomes more difficult to not indulge in it but I need to find a way. I do not want to live this life. I know where this road will take me. It has already ruined a big portion of my life. My dependencies on fantasy and porn needs to stop.

    Today I saw a minor improvement in my practice exams. I still have very little time and a lot to be done. I should go.
  16. kira

    kira Member

    My exam date has come very near. Today I indulged in full blown fantasies and now my head feels like it would burst open. I am getting a panic attack seeing how much is left to complete for the exam and now the urge to relapse has completely taken over my brain. I am completely unable to concentrate on anything.

    I am really feeling scared and I don't know of what. This is the worst. I shouldn't have indulged in fantasies, but the craving was too strong and seeing how awful I am performing in my exams the motivation to study and completely disappeared. I am just feeling forlorn about my situation. It feels bad when you see all your friends doing something great in their life and you are sitting here fapping to more and more disgusting porn.

    I don't know if this is my critic part of the brain talking, making me feel hopeless so I can relapse. I was procrastinating since quite a while but never felt so hopeless before. Just by indulging in fantasies I am getting panic attacks and feeling worthless. This shows how negatively and intensely porn has affected my life.

    Right now I am not able to think straight. I am losing my shit and exam is coming near. This shouldn't have happened now. Dealing with this was the last thing I wanted to do. This just breaks by already bleak confidence and hope. I am feeling so worried and I don't know what to do. Relapsing will completely destroy me and I don't want to deal with brainfog. I need to have my cognitive skills at its best.

    Well, I think I should just go to sleep, anyways I don't think I will be able to do anything today. Will get up early in the morning and pull through out the day.
  17. howardroark

    howardroark New Member

    Hey,I am porn free from 3 days ago and will be for a long time.I am going full recovery approach and
    the first step is to eliminate porn completely.

    Anyway,I wanted to ask you,where do you study?
    If you could go studying daily in a nice public library it could help you immensely in these days prior the exam
    and make you evade eventual relapses,AND get you a good result on it.
    Just get out of your house!

    Obviously you are susceptible to stress but it's no reason for you to back down now.
    Remember,every day is a new fight.
    Good luck and keep your head up,kira.
  18. kira

    kira Member

    Keep going man, I think quitting porn is very easy. Fantasies, random ogling and porn flashbacks are difficult to deal with. That's what I have been struggling since the past two days. I was getting urges since many days to think about my favorite(and disturbingly sick) porn scenes. Yesterday I indulged in a full blown eye-lid movie which resulted in depression, high stress and hopelessness(the same I used to feel after a relapse).

    These feelings are particularly not helpful during exam time. Also I feel frustrated as I denied myself to masturbate. I was about to relapse multiple times in the past 24 hours and have indulged in multiple eye-lid movies which has increased my depression, anxiety and frustration. Yesterday I actually thought I was getting a panic attack.

    I haven't relapsed in over two weeks and this is the best I have done in two years. To answer your question, I don't have any good libraries near my house. I need an internet connection to study so have to do it at home. You are right about getting out of the house. I have not stepped outside of my house in a week. Anyways now exams are nearly over so any alternate study location is not required. I am going for a run now, hopefully will be able to concentrate on studies after that.

    Eventually I need to find a way to refrain from eye-lid movies otherwise it will slow down my recovery or even cause a relapse. We all need to. I understand the importance of Noa now. We literally need to change the way we think about everything. It all starts in the head. Uncontrolled thoughts end up becoming monsters which can haunt you day and night.

    Good luck to you too man, Keep us updated with your journey. We are all in this together.

  19. kira

    kira Member

    I relapsed and binged today after 22 days. My exams didn't go well either. Six months back when I graduated from college, I thought I was in a big mess. But now it only has got worse.
  20. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    At this point in your rebooting the test is not if you fall, it's how quickly you get back up again.

    Keep on going. Keep on identifying the negative in your life (self-esteem, social skills, fantasising, critical inner voice) and working through these. At the same time, get busy, learning new skills and building a new you. That's all there is to it!

    Remember, you don't have to be perfect, or some idealized image of a man. It's OK to be an introvert who would rather read a book than party, it's OK not to be a leader. . . you just need to be happy enough that you don't want to look at porn.

    It helps me to see porn as just a red flag - something that identifies the level of unhappiness in my life. If I relapse it just means that I've not been working hard enough on making things work for me.

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