Call it magic!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by kira, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. kira

    kira Member

    I relapsed and binged again. Was wasting time watching tv rather than studying when I got stressful and scared about my future and how am I ever going to face the challenges with this attitude. How am I ever going to change if I just keep repeating what I have done in the past since 8 years?

    @ Arrow Thank you. I read your journal, it's very inspiring. We both share some similar experiences with this addiction. I really look up to you as I can see myself.

    @trainmill I know, but that is lacking in my life. I don't really have people around me who will be supportive (not even my parents) that's why I come here on the forum. I am focusing more on being self-supportive.

    @jjjveetec I don't understand your advice unless it is sarcastic for my constant failure to change myself and end up in self-pity. I really do want to get out of this. I want a normal life where I am happy and 'living life' rather than wasting my precious years being passive, under confident and a weak willed soft person.

    I want to be tough and strong and cope up with any difficulty or challenge life throws at me. I just don't know what goes wrong. I am the one to blame for what I am today. I try really hard but sometimes it just gets to me.
  2. kira

    kira Member

    @Arrow Thank you :)

    @trainmill A lot. Real friends are always more helpful than virtual people. I am working on improving my social skills. But also I cannot force someone to be my best buddy, it will happen with time. Right now I am focusing more on improving the relationship I have with myself. I am trying to put myself out there more often, trying to interact with people.

    So I am on day 5 of my reboot. I was really close to relapse a few hours ago but I reminded myself why I am doing this and the consequences of my actions. I felt fear. Now-a-days I feel scared to relapse. I just don't want it, ever again. I don't know if using fear as a motivator is a good thing or not but it gets me to take action in no time. Also I can't help but wonder how bad my life can get if I don't change my behavior.
  3. Dicer

    Dicer Member

    No problem. ;)

    In my opinion fear is a very good motivator. Use it, as long as you can because the fear will weaken and than the motivation will decrease.

    Chris from GLL talks about this in his 10th success principle. Not sure if you watched or read it yet, but you liked the last one about making your life more fun, so I leave you with another link.

    And I have to say this one is so true, because I really started going out and talking to girls like crazy, when I felt totally insecure about my skills with women and not getting laid. I would have never done that if I told myself about how it is ok and sugarcoating it. The same goes for my motivation to training in the gym, I worked out the most when I was totally unsatisfied with my body.

    If you don't believe me I have another example about using fear and insecurity as motivation. Currently I am reading the biography from Arnold Schwarzengger again and in one chapter he talks about his calves and that he was ashamed of them, because they were to thin for him. So he cut off the legs from all his pants or only wore shorts so everybody could see his calves and because he didn't want to feel that shame he pushed his calves super hard (even for him) in the gym to get them into shape. The end of the story is, he achieved his goal and became one of the worlds greatest bodybuilders.

    So if you can benefit from it, use that fear to get into action.

    PS.: Good job getting to 5 days. ;)
  4. mik

    mik Guest
  5. kira

    kira Member

    Thank you everyone :)

    But unfortunately I relapsed again and in a binge cycle. The one thing I realized which howard roark had shared before about the upward and the downward spirals. At any point in our life we are either going up, up, up or down, down, down. Once you set the momentum it is difficult to break it.

    I have been in this downward spiral since a long time. But I also know that if I just start small and keep moving forward with positive habits, I will get where I want to be. I really need to break the default!!! It is killing me slowly and painfully and worse of all I don't even realize it.

    @Arrow That was another great link. I have always felt that something is wrong with me when i feel insecure or facing other negative feelings and immediately try to change it but we all have them and I like the part when he says 'turning your weaknesses into strengths'
  6. kira

    kira Member

    I feel very numb and emotionless like a zombie. All my life I have always been very closed off and a loner. I just don't have emotions anymore. This is because of porn. It has completely desensitized me. Guys generally in my age enjoy, explore, go on dates, play video games, build their careers and just live but I think I have spent the majority of my life worrying, being serious, day dreaming and pmo'ing.

    It is weird that I am 21 years old and have never felt the desire to go on a date with a girl. I started watching porn at a very young age and now I see how it has damaged me in every possible way. It has made me question my sexuality. I am just not able to express myself or to convey how I feel because I just don't know.

    I just feel pleasure while watching porn. That short, lustful and cheap pleasure which disappears instantly and is replaced by self-hatred, dizziness, headaches, brain fog and social anxiety. I just wonder how many of my problems will disappear once I reboot. I don't remember a life without pmo because I never had one.
  7. kira

    kira Member

    The reason I keep relapsing and give in to by default brain is maybe because I don't have a strong reason why am I doing this. I will write down the things which will happen if I don't stop this disgraceful habit and how my life will change if I do.

    If I stay the same
    1) numbness of emotions. Depression
    2) Altering my sexuality
    3) Never able to satisfy a girl. Never can truly love a girl
    4) Mediocre or even below that in my career
    5) Bad health. Detachments from people
    6) Self hatred, shame, guilt, low energy, irritated, angry, binge eating.
    7) Becoming a complete zombie. More like a corpse than a living being.
    8 ) Will keep getting failure in my life. Will never be happy.
    9) heavy social anxiety, fear, panic attacks, low self esteem.
    10) Dead penis.

    If I change
    1) Will experience love and other positive emotions.
    2) will be confident and resilient
    3) Energetic, happy, more self esteem.
    4) Will be better at self control
    5) Can concentrate on my career and chase my dreams.
    6) Will be attracted to girls in real life.
    7) People will treat me with respect.
    8 ) Good health, confident and less social anxiety
    9) More excited and can enjoy the small pleasures which life has to offer
    10) I will be better at handling difficult situations and overcoming adversity. This will be my single greatest tool.
  8. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    You can do it! You already know how quitting will benefit you so all that's left is to never give up. Everyone in this community is here to support each other right? So know you aren't alone.
  9. howardroark

    howardroark New Member

    Hey kira!

    If you really want happiness,something must change in your life,and its not the count of times you masturbate.
  10. Robane

    Robane Member

    Hey man. Which device were you using for the the most of your relapses recently. If it was a phone, I suggest you change from the Android to the ios. Then, set upi restrictions of the safari and give the password to the restrictions settings to a friend. If it was your computer, install K-9, or only use your computer in public places. If you can, leave the computer, or the battery for the computer in a locker at a gym, a friend's house, or your parents room at nights (or whenever you find yourself relapsing the most). You need to identify all of the factors that make it possible for you to relapse to porn and remove them. Whether it be a phone, computer, being home alone with your devices.

    You also need to find real-life compatibility partners. YBR is not going to cut it. You need to talk about your struggle with people who actually know who you are, and who can physically see if you're making progress or not. If needs be, talk to a therapist if you have to. Just know that willpower alone will not prevent relapses. You have to restrict your access to P if you want to be successful.

    Yes.. I also have the Calm app. I meditate with it every morning.
  11. kira

    kira Member

    Hi, thank you everyone for replying. I dont really have to watch porn to relapse. I fantasize uncontrollably which causes maximum relapses.

    I just relapsed again after six days of abstaining. Yesterday my health got really bad. I am struggling with a certain health problem since seven years and yesterday I just lost it all. I had a nervous breakdown and just kept crying.

    I am tired of fighting this shit. I have spent more time in hospitals and with doctors than having fun with friends, dating or working on something I am passionate about. I am out of options and completely forlorn.

    I hate being weak. This will have a significant impact on my future decisions, my life and also this addiction as a large Portion of my relapses are related to ill health.

    Today I realized how it feels to completely loose faith in myself. I dont know what to do anymore. The more I try, the worse I fail.

    I have to regain the trust and confidence that I can beat this, that I can change my life, only if that was easy. It's like I am addicted to failure, misery and running in loops.
  12. kira

    kira Member

    Porn is not the problem in my life nor are the humiliating fetishes. I have low self esteem and I am hooked on such things only because somewhere down the line I believe that I deserve that time of treatment. Since childhood what I have sucked the most at is life management and my entire miserable situation is only a result of it.

    I am struggling so much changing my life and building new habits. All I have faced is repetitive failures since many years. My mind surely has a mind of its own and it has made my life a living hell.

    I am unable to stay focused on my goals and always get distracted to day dreaming, tv, mobile games, porn and whatever else my mind can find to validate my unworthiness and insecurities. Sometimes I spend hours being is the distracted zone having no sense of the present moment. This has resulted in me not reaching my goals and have elicited this forlorn state of mind.

    I am addicted to it or rather being in misery has become a habit. I can't look myself in the mirror anymore. I have an exam in a few weeks which was so important to me as this was my last chance to make things right, to get my life back together by making constructive changes everyday.

    But as always I have failed miserably again. The history just repeated itself and the worst part of it is that I still cannot find the zest or the absolute urgency to get in action. It's like not there in me. How can I be okay with this life? This is not who I am.

    Everytime I try to make a change I get pulled off, sometimes I fight back real strong but my old habits get the better of me. I am completely devastated. I just don't understand what is going on with me. Why can't I fucking change? I know I can be bold and courageous but it doesn't seem to be happening. I get beaten everytime.

    I don't have the confidence left to get back up. I feel lost. It's like I am a slave to my own mind, trying to take control of the operating system but each time getting perished.

    As of now I am in a super stressed out mode and I feel like getting a panic attack.
  13. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Try taking it one day at a time. Don't think about tomorrow. Just think about today. You can also try faking it. You said you can't look at yourself in the mirror, why don't you try doing so and faking the biggest smile you can. I sometimes pretend i'm having the happiest day in my life even though i'm feeling down. You can really trick yourself. Anyway I really hope that you reach that place of happiness that you want. You can do it!
  14. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks sage, congrats on 16 days.

    I haven't watched porn in weeks but still have kept relapsing on eyelid movies. I have been repeating the same mistakes everyday of my life and and been feeling this sense of unworthiness. There is this void I feel, I don't feel interested in life. Everything seems boring to me. Real women don't seem attractive. This is probably desensitization and the flatline.

    My day dreaming habits and watching television shows or just being on facebook to pass time are all just methods of escapism. I have been relapsing since years!! Not able to get my shit together but it has taught me a lot many things about myself and life in general.

    From this point on I am going to get up everyday and do the right thing. Whatever it takes. I have had enough. no more feeling sorry for self. no more self criticism. I am what I am. Either I can get up everyday and try to be the best version of myself or I can repeat the same mistakes and drown in my sorrow of self pity.

    As for the coming challenges with the exams, job and health I am probably screwed or I am probably not. All my worries could only be my monkey mind talking to me. I am going to listen to my true inner voice in my head and block out all the other noises which my mind makes.

    It will require practice, luckily I already have a lot of experience in failing and zero self control. I have nothing left to loose. I am tired of hating myself and this stops now. I will take it one day at a time and try to do the right thing. I just need to wait, watch and work and the dawn will come. But if I give up I will forever be in this cycle of misery.

    I want to get out!!! and I WILL because failure is not an option.
  15. kira

    kira Member

    I have been trying really hard lately to be in the moment and try to do the right thing. The best part is that now I know very clearly where I need improvement.

    Last few days have been really good for my day dreaming. I did slack off a few times but could immediately come back to my senses without any inner judgement. I think this helps the most. Once you make a mistake and let that feeling of unworthiness take over, it is nearly impossible to not hide behind pmo and other distraction/addiction.

    I have realized lately that the only way in life is to go up now. If I don't then I am just going to be one face in the crowd, going to a 9-5, watching tv and fighting with people to release my frustration and eventually ending up on a death bed with a heart full of regret. I don't want that for me.

    I have started to notice when I feel the urge to MO. I haven't watched porn in two or three weeks. The urges come when I am at my weakest. When I am feeling unworthy, sorry, worried, timid and other negative emotions. I observe it carefully and do productive things which will make me feel good about myself. I fail but I get up immediately.

    There is no shame in failing. In fact it makes me realize that there is still work to be done. I have an important exam in a few weeks and I am going to do all I can to achieve good results. Either I can sit and feel unworthy because of the time I have wasted till now or I can get my ass to work and do as much as I can. I choose the latter.

    The only way to break a bad habit is to love something greater than the habit. It's one inch at a time, going up and up and up!!
  16. Skini

    Skini Member

    Stay strong ma man..
    What about making your own counter here in your log?
  17. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks trainmill and skini. I am not a big fan of counters. Nevertheless I would keep a counter or focus on number of days once I cross 30+ days in my reboot. If I keep resetting my count frequently then it only gets more discouraging.

    I got some really bad news yesterday which was devastating for me. It made me wonder how much time and opportunities this addiction has stolen from me. Currently my health, career, personal life, self confidence are all regressing day after day and yesterday's news only exacerbated my situation.

    Like the old saying says, as you sow so shall you reap. If I have spent most my years hiding, masturbating and living in fantasy land then this is what I would get in return. A stab in my heart! I always knew in the past that I am not living my life to my potential and it won't end well but I never expected it to get so bad and so painful.

    I am actually scared and anxious.

    I also analyzed my day dreaming patterns which generally take me away from my lonely, forlorn life to a magical land where I am a super hero. Sometimes I even day dream about doing great in life while others are not. I know that's not right but I don't know why I do it. In reality, others are doing really well while I am not. Well, karma is real.

    I fantasize about abilities (like soft skill, physical fitness, confidence) which I don't posses in reality. It's all just escapism to temporarily disable the pain I feel which by the way only gets worse once reality hits again.

    I don't know how to process all these failures. I cannot feel positive and optimistic about my future when everything in my life is falling apart but what I can do is not get carried away with my emotional state and stay focused on the things I need to be doing. As I have said before, if I just get up and try to do the right thing the dawn will come!

    I read a quote a few years back which goes like, " The soul always knows how to heal itself, the challenge is to silence the mind." I just need to silence my mind as well. No more running away from reality. Life is always going to throw insurmountable challenges, I need to find a place within myself where I can feel myself and at peace.
  18. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    You are not alone in how you feel. You can do it! Its awesome that you have a don't-give up attitude.
  19. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks Sage!

    I just relapsed after 10 days, was half awake in the morning and had some tough thoughts. It was going so well! :(

    This relapse just shows how deep the wiring for these fantasies are! I need to start taking this seriously and focus more on changing my daily routines. I need to make it happen, it will never happen on its own. It's quite scary though how ingrained my old habits are!

    Right now things are a little stressful in life and health wise so I need to maintain calm and keep busy! Also I cannot control my bad feelings, all I can do is observe them when they come and let them go and focus back in the present.

    I feel a lot lonely these days, college is over and I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't even feel like socializing! I don't know if this is the flatline or something else. Just realizing how easy it would have been if I had seriously rebooted when I was still in college.

    Maybe this is how it feels once you are out of college, alone and confused. Nevertheless, I need to keep building new habits and stop thinking about the consequences of my relapse otherwise it will create high anxiety and stress which will be very difficult to bear!
  20. kira

    kira Member

    I relapsed again! I didn't binge when I relapsed a few hours back but the urges got really strong right now! I don't understand the anomaly of this addiction. I was doing great since the last 10 days with low to medium urges and a little bit edging but I never relapsed.

    Today the urges became so strong I felt as if my head would burst open if I don't do it. I felt very depressed and clobbered and couldn't concentrate on my work. I love my work but because of this addiction I cannot enjoy doing it. It is desensitization which makes reality quite boring.

    I really need to find a way around this. I have been masturbating since so many years now and it is deeply wired in my mind. I think most of my relapses are related to me doing miserable in life. My mind plays its trick and doesn't let me work or do the right thing and makes me feel like shit about it. Anxiety and fear of the future are the tools it uses to get what it wants. I need to be aware of this.

    I don't know how can I fight with a force which know all my weaknesses. But I need to do something, I don't want to live like this. This is not who I am. I want to feel alive again!

    Today I realized that this addiction is quite real! and facing it head on seems stupid. I need to understand what I do which leads me to the relapse pathway. People have overcome this before and so will I. My mind takes me in a emotional roller coaster and makes me submit.

    I feel like shit right now after relapsing and have a mild headache. But I haven't given up! I went 10 days and now I will go for more. I haven't watched porn in weeks and this relapse could actually be a gift because if I hadn't relapsed right now I could have ended up watching porn later today when I will be home alone and then binge like crazy.

    Instead of watching television and youtube I will change that habit into reading more books! Less distraction, more learning.

    As of now I need to find a way to forgive myself and move on and do the best I can today.

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