Call it magic!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by kira, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    The question was simply what's more important: some exam or quitting pmo. Not how many years you've "wasted".

    As per stress, you can probably say it's one of the reasons. But for me, more accurate is "stress is part of the cluster" that makes you procrastinate. It's the mortar between bricks of any form of negativity. It's the cause And effect in one. Acidic environment of procrastination cancer.Take away stress, and whole constuction falls down. Disintegrates. And -- in my experience -- there is only one way to take away the stress: learning there is nothing to stress about.

    I can see the sequence here: fuck up > stress caused by fuck-up > more fuck ups > self loathing > porn > stress from failure > another fuckup > self loathing > more stress > more fuck-ups etc. There is no beginning and no end of this cycle. It self-perpetuates itself ad infinitum. Fuck-ups happen as long as you're stressed, so you won't stop fuck-ups as long as stress component is there. The way I do it, is take it down bit by bit through mindfulness "exercises". Being concsious whenever I can. The more of those conscious moments, the less stress, the less stress the less fuck-ups, the less fuck-ups the less stress and so on and on. It's a vicious circle in reverse. Rewinding the tape.

    I personally don't "work" on my stress, or my pmo, or my self-esteem. There is nothing to work on, or nothing to learn... other then learning there is nothing to learn. To me it's more a process of un-learning what is not important until all that's left is important. Nothing. Unlearning who I'm not, rather than learning who I am....

    I don't really know how to get through your wall, so I will leave it until (and "if") I find a better way.
  2. kira

    kira Member

    Of course pmo. I am 21, if this thing stays with me than I am going down a path of depression, suicidal and misery. Failing an exam won't matter to me 10 years from now but pmo will. To be honest I am done living in disgust. I feel like a corpse.
  3. kira

    kira Member

    I want to see a person who is strong, healthy, happy and loving. As I said before all I want is to get up every day and feel proud of myself and what I am doing.

    I want to see a person who is on a mission. I want to get world class at something, maybe engineering. Someone who gets things done and has a strong character and true to his values.

    Right now my thoughts are all clustered with porn so I tend to objectify everyone and everything. This is where a part of self loathing comes from. I want to change my perception of the world. I want to be smart and maybe even a little talkative and confident and of course energetic(zestful) which I have never been till now.

    I want a good social circle too.

    Thanks for asking this question trainmill, it got me thinking.
  4. kira

    kira Member

    BIG Relapse 21/05/2016

    It's six in the morning and I wasted around nine hours just pmoing and further digging the hole of misery for myself.

    In the afternoon when I came back home I had decided to study but somehow I started day dreaming and fell into a trap. I was going to relapse then but than I saw a tv episode to divert my mind instead but obviously it failed and I started surfing for porn pics online. I edged for nearly two hours but than decided to 'surf the urge' to masturbate and start studying instead to divert my attention and get some work done which I had broken down into little pieces to work on. To my despair, the urges became very strong and I started downloading porn to go for a full blown relapse/binging.

    I have done this so many times before. Staying awake all night to dig the hole of misery for myself. I don't understand why the fuck I don't feel motivated to change. I am stuck with my problems since so many years. I don't have the will or the courage to go against the wind and be uncomfortable for sometime, instead I always run away from reality.

    I had read an analogy long back that there is a good and a bad dog inside of you. The dog who will win is the dog you feed the most. I have been feeding the bad dog for years and now it has completely taken over my life and the good dog has almost died.

    I don't know how to find the courage to do those little things, to lay that one brick. I am just a slave to my bad habits and negative beliefs. I don't have the confidence to move forward. I am fucked and it only seems to be getting worse everyday! My fantasies and fetishes are disturbing. I am really in a big mess right now.

    What if I don't change? I won't make a good career for myself. I might never find a nice girl and even if I do how will I explain her all this? I am very sure if I keep going down this path my penis will stop working for ever! I AM TORTURING IT Will I ever have a good social circle? Will I ever be the man I always dreamt of being? Because right now I seem like perishing
  5. kira

    kira Member

    A month back I had rebooted and rooted my phone, deleted all the contents, had used host files to block websites and I felt so clean after doing that. I had completely dissociated my phone with porn. But today I destroyed it! I fall back to square one. I don't think I ever moved past it

    I think I have broken myself down. My mind seems to be convinced that living like a loser is fine
  6. kira

    kira Member

    Relapsed again. I started day dreaming in the afternoon and then..

    I m on a very bad binge cycle. I am just breaking myself every single day. I have become my own worst enemy
  7. jkl

    jkl Member

    This happens to the best of us. I have been relapsing for quite a while. What worked for me so far was to pmo once a wee so that the body has a chance to gradually quit pmo. Try to create small steps that eventually lead to small goals. PMO every other day, then 2 days, then so forth until you no longer have the urge to pmo. It also helps to look at other peoples struggles to give you motivation. I had an urge to pmo just now, but as I was reading your relapses and seeing how mad you were and the feelings that are associated with relapsing allowed my feelings to pmo to no longer linger. It can be beneficial for you to remember the moods and feelings after pmo and write them down so that when you have the urges you can revert back and realize that it is not worth pmoing to experience the feelings that you have thereafter.
  8. kira

    kira Member

    Relapsed (24/5/16)

    Thanks trainmill and jkl!

    I don't have many people I can talk to. I grew up in an environment where boys are supposed to be strong and doesn't feel any bad emotions. If you do then you are labeled as weak. It's very stereotypical.

    I had the worst anxiety attack in the morning just before an exam. That made realize what I was doing to myself. I have been reading books and doing this and that but none of it works. That's because I am not addressing the issues which are causing me to take refuge in masturbating.

    I have to learn self compassion and treat myself well. I have spent years of my life blaming all the people who have bullied me for my low self esteem but now I realize that I am my worst bully.

    My porn thoughts lately have become really very disturbing but I understand that this is not me and just escalation of addiction. I do it on purpose so that I can hate myself more. This will improve once I recover from this addiction so I won't stress a lot about it.
  9. Sage

    Sage Aiming to be the ultimate version of myself

    Hi, i can relate so much to what you are saying and battling against yourself so you ain't alone. Looking myself in the mirror and wondering who is the shell looking back. Feeling like i have so much potential yet i am satisfied with draining myself daily. I also grew up in an environment where boys aren't supposed to talk about such stuff. So right now the only place i can share what i feel is here
  10. kira

    kira Member

    Relapsed (25/5/16)

    I understand how you feel Sage. I have been there.

    Hey trainmill. I haven't done anything for myself today apart from reading a few self help articles online. Your question made me realize that I am just busy making plans but then don't act on them. I am focusing too much on the problems and after a certain point it becomes overwhelming.

    I won't be writing about how bad my life is anymore. I will be focusing on the solution and taking action hence forth. I will only write about what I did instead of what I will do.
  11. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Good luck, Kira. I can also relate with not having people to open up to. This place is just what we need for that.
  12. kira

    kira Member

    All the best Londoner, we are all in this together.

    Hey trainmill, Today I started my meditation practice again. I still had many moments of day dreaming and instances when I was about to relapse but I could manage it by showing some self compassion and directing myself back to studies. Also while studying I had many urges to procrastinate and relapse but I pushed through it and managed to do the smallest thing I had set my mind on. I also did some exercises which my doctor had asked me to do regularly and I have been avoiding that for nearly two years

    I still don't consider this as some huge success as the overall productivity was still very low but definitely a lot better than last few weeks. I had to go to the gym today as well but missed it.

    I went cold turkey. There is absolutely no way I can watch porn on my laptop or mobile at least for a week. The free app on my phone will provide protection only for seven days. I can still fantasize though so no over-confidence. But I have reach this point where porn doesn't interest me anymore, it is disgusting and I hate the feeling. There is a difference you know, between not watching porn and not wanting to watch porn

    I was feeling very sick today, bad headaches, sluggishness and extremely low energy. I wonder if this is only because of pmo? I even feel a little depression wandering around from time to time.

    Anyways today I at least proved to myself that irrespective of how horrible I feel or how bad my health gets I can always push through it and do what needs to be done.

    overall I can say that I may not have laid an entire brick today to build my house but I definitely put half a brick in its place.
  13. kira

    kira Member

    Thank you guys for all your support :)

    I have this image of myself in my mind, this person I want to be, I think about him when I am feeling low. I am also going to visualize myself facing my problems head on and overcoming them rather than running away

    "However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. Where there is life, there is hope" - Stephen Hawking
  14. kira

    kira Member

    Today, i have been day dreaming and wasting time since morning. I was about to relapse, but didnt. Have to get back into action because if I dont then the stress will build up and i will sucuum eventually. I am going to meditate and immediately start studying. #no more relapses
  15. kira

    kira Member

    @ Arrow Thanks a lot for that post. A few days back I was feeling low and reading that lifted my spirits. I will have to think more about the reason I want to change. I don't think I have a very clear vision. My next post will be about it, but want to think about it first. And yes, Deathnote is one of my favorite series, I loved Kira's character! ;D ;D He really was a badass :p

    @ Trainmill
    Well I am still relapsing just like before but atleast I can say that I am trying harder. For every one step I climb on the ladder, I get pulled back four more steps. I really like your idea about writing three things I did good for myself today. I have been meditating daily since a week now and will start gymming tomorrow. I will try and keep up with those "three things I did today" And I have already read the slight edge but planning to read it again. I also have to do that exercise which jjveetec had suggested.

    Again Thanks a lot guys for all your support :) I sometimes even re-read the posts in this journal when I am feeling down.
  16. kira

    kira Member

    I just graduated (hopefully) and something got my attention. Six years ago, when I left school I promised myself to stop pmo and be the best version of myself. Two years went by and I did horrible academically and experienced severe setback in other areas of my life and personality. I then entered graduation college and had made the same promise to myself again. Another four years passed by and I am still the same. To be honest, probably worse.

    Now I am probably lost in an even darker hole and still struggling to get out of it. Last one month have only been spent on day dreaming, binging, hurting myself and panic attacks. College is over now and I will be entering the real world soon which is far more evil. I can't survive like this. I am not tough. I am weak and can be easily broken.

    To compulsively do things is hurting my self integrity and my confidence and self-belief is in shit anyways.

    This has to stop!!!!! I should be angry and extremely motivated to change my life after seeing what it has done to me, but ironically I don't feel that ways. I am just okay hiding behind pmo which is so wrong.
  17. howardroark

    howardroark New Member

    Hey kira,I have read your stories.
    Before giving any kind of practical advice,I understand that you do read alot,so I'm guessing that you already
    have a huge amount of diverse advice running around and echoing in your head,so I'm not going to make it even worse.
    Simplification is needed.

    The first thing I see here is that you take yourself way too serious.
    What is key here,is finding a way to unlearn your constant focus and judgement of self(I'm good/I'm bad/I'm terrible)
    and try to find a way to look at yourself in a different light.
    The best way to do this is in self compassion,love and humor.
    So don't be afraid to make a joke on yourself.Make yourself laugh by acting goofy once a day.It did wonders for me.
    I'm sure there is some comedy type that you like.You can learn comedy if there is not enough of it in your life.
    (And there is never enough).
    You will also make the people around you more cheerful thus being more likeable as a fun guy to hang with.

    When it comes to procrastination and relapsing,one thing simply leads to another and fuels the vicious circle.
    You dont study,you feel the accumulated guilt--->you relapse.And as you have might realized till now,it never ends.
    I observe the same pattern in myself everytime I slack off work.If I could change off my work ethic completely,
    I would deal with 90% of my relapse reasoning.

    The thing about life is,that procrastination,relapsing,hiding and all the 'bad' stuff is our brain trying to keep us safe and in place.
    And those ways of acting are everyones default.
    The brain is a vicious dream killer,actually.He just doesn't give a fuck about any of them.
    The only dream your brain has is your survival.

    It is up to us to fight the default as hard and as relentless as we can.

    Smile and breathe while you're there.

    excellent post about self compassion and love

    the default in detail

    well known legendary comic about procrastination,just in case you haven't seen it
  18. kira

    kira Member

    Hi howardroark

    Thanks so much for the message. You are right about me being too serious about life. You hit the bull's eye. I have always been thinking about this but never really acted on it but now I am.

    I am going to fight the default. We all are. I was just about to relapse but instead of just acting impulsively I focused on my breathing and brought myself back to the moment. I just meditated and now going to the gym instead of relapsing. ;D

    I have read the procrastination article and have also seen his TEDtalk. It is amazing. Will definitely check out other two links. thanks :)

    I am also going to be practicing self compassionate letters. As I don't want to be hanging around here all day I have maintained an offline journal to do it.
  19. kira

    kira Member

    Thank you trainmill!

    Greetings to you as well :)

    @ howardroark Loved both the articles which you shared specially the one with the negative feedback loop. I could resonate with it. Thank you :)


    So I am about to complete my two day goal after continuously binging for a week. I know days doesn't matter and it is too soon to say but I don't think I will ever go back to pmo. I can experience and see the consequences of my past actions or rather inaction and how it has affected my life and this sucks. I won't be very active on the forum from now on, have a lot of habits to build which makes me feel happy. I am slowly going to limit my time maybe once/week.
  20. howardroark

    howardroark New Member

    Amazing! Remind yourself daily why u're doing it and stick to it!

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