Call it magic!

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by kira, Mar 20, 2016.

  1. kira

    kira Member

    So I am starting a new journal as the old one was full of failure and whinings which was annoying.

    I dont know what day of the my reboot I have reached as I use the mobile version of the site where you cant see counters. But I feel like I have a dead penis. It doesn't react anymore.

    In the morning I got up early and decided to study for a while to start a productive day but I started day dreaming and went to sleep again in a few hours. Was so tempted to relapse but somehow got myself in the present moment and saved the day! Well now hours have passed and I still haven't studied and have wasted time doing things which dont matter.

    Noa is really helping me to stay in the moment and getting me back whenever I get lost.

    My life is going to get tough in a few years. Either I will win or either I will perish but I need to start building a good foundation from now. I need to be emotionally resilient.

    I may have fucked up my life or I may haven't. I dont know. What I know is that I have the power to choose at this moment. I need to focus in the - NOW.
     
  2. kira

    kira Member

    Man! I saw a friends dp on whatsapp and got an instant turn on. I had my peaks and now I am getting full blown urges to fantasize about her.

    My porn pathways were triggered again. Dont want to relapase.

    Edit**

    So she messaged me!! She hasnt texted since many months but today she had to when I am about to relapse on her. I am feeling weird today, its a combination of frustration, anger and sadness. A perfect mixture for relapse.

    I flirted with her but didn't get the response I was expecting. I dont want a relationship with her but I dont know why I still care to even flirt. I think its lust or maybe not. I have been avoiding my emotions since so many years that now I dont understand how I feel.


    I am again a little upset as I haven't studied even a bit today! It kills me inside. If i dont take action eventually I am going to go around in circles like always.

    I got to study regularly.

    Right now I am in a full mood to relapse I dont know what should I do. It seems so tempting and I have no motivation to do the right thing.
     
  3. kira

    kira Member

    I had some peaks on tumblr! Oh godd..this should already be considered a relapse. How should I get myself out of this? I am tangled and stuck
     
  4. bucketsrr

    bucketsrr New Member

    Keep on pushing man, keep up that willpower!
    Jump off the computer and distract yourself, go for a walk, a drive, get out of the house!
     
  5. kira

    kira Member

    Well its too late now, I relapsed. Couldn't keep up.

    Thanks
     
  6. kira

    kira Member

    I think I need to get rid of the counter! I feel I am addicted to red marks. Have been relapsing like crazy since last few months. I am wondering if spending time on the forum is even helping me or not.

    I have deleted my account twice before and I am on the verge of doing it again.

    I feel dead, numb, lost, worried, hopeless. I am not able to pick myself up. Have done it so many times before and have sliped up on all occasions.

    I have no idea how to get up again. There are so many ideas, concepts but dont know where to start. There is no clarity
     
  7. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks trainmil. I need to find a way out for myself. I've had enough, really.

    I have decided to stay calm through out the day. That rollercoaster of emotions causes the max relapse. Its alright to feel bad as long as i don't stick to it.

    I am not going to hate my situation anymore. Its an opportunity for me to rebuilt myself.

    Also need to manage my time efficiently. Need to stop watching tv. I am sick right now and staying in bed will not help. I am going to get up & try to fix myself.

    I am gonna take noA more seriously from now on.
     
  8. kira

    kira Member

    I am slipping again. Have strong willingness to relapse. I didn't take much action today and one thing led to another and I ended up binging on television shows.

    I started fantasizing about this college girl as well. Should have avoided it. I need to calm down and get my head back in the game.

    I was lucky I didn't relapse today but if I keep going like this then I am not far away from that day.

    I gotta find the inner strength and do what needs to be done. With each passing day the study work is building up and stress and pressure will make me explode eventually.

    I need to be aware of how I am passing away my time. Every second, every hour counts.

    I am going to focus all my attention in the moment and make the best out of it. There is nothing more I can do. I need to respect the process and have faith.

    The problem is that I dont feel motivated for change but its alright maybe a few changes in my psychology will get me going in no time.
     
  9. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks for your support trainmill

    I wont be coming on the forum for two days. Its time I start taking this seriously. I have to train and discipline myself. I have to keep the commitments I make to myself. I cant keep wandering around here.

    I have taught myself how to me miserable, now I will teach myself how to be happy without any validation. All I need is a validation from my own self. I am going to keep up this spirit and will get where I want to be, no matter what.
     
  10. kira

    kira Member

    I binged and relapsed like crazy two days back. Didn't sleep the entire night. At certain point I started crying with the level of disgusting stuff I have been watching and what it has done to me.

    Yesterday had gone for a party and realized how much social anxiety I have been suffering with. I can't dance and most parties have dancing. In my school parties I was always the awkward low energetic guy displaying his insecurities on the dance floor while no one is noticing. Well yesterday was the same.

    In these past years I never tried to improve myself and always used pmo to numb the emotions. I want to be energetic, free and bold. Many people cannot dance but they still look good on the dance floor.

    Yesterday was a reminder of what I expect from myself and my life. I have to first start with working on my confidence and my self judgmental thoughts. Confidence will improve if I start taking control of my life and achieve my goals.

    Being bold and free will come later. A small step at a time. Baby steps.

    Also I started fantasizing about these two girls at the party and secretly staring at them like a creep. This has to stop. I am taking the no arousal mode more seriously now. The next few months will all be about training and self-discipline. It has to be all about me.
     
  11. kira

    kira Member

    I am getting strong urges today. It has been a few days since I had binged all night. Today i went to the gym in the morning after two months just to give my day a good start. But here I am again, sitting in front of a laptop trying to figure out if I should relapse or not.

    I blocked all websites on my smart phone using host files and now I cannot access it. Maybe I need to do the same thing for my laptop as well. I also have to find a better way to access this forum because using chrome is dangerous now.

    I am so tempted to relapse. I tried studying but couldn't even start and ended up wasting two hours watching television.

    I dont know how this will end. I have extremely important exams coming up, have to find a job, have to fix my health, have to beat this addiction, flatline and depression and I dont know what else. How can I make all of these possible?

    I feel so horrible right now
     
  12. kira

    kira Member

    So I relapsed twice. Now I have headache and depression. Feeling low energy. Tom I have a job interview and I think I may have spoilt that too.

    I feel hopeless and anxiety regarding my future is sky high. The tip of my penis burns like crazy, I hope I havent caused any permanent damage
     
  13. kira

    kira Member

    Thanks trainmill. I actually feel bad 24*7. People generally label me with being to sincere/boring/serious/sad. I want to have fun in my life along with achieving my goals. But I don't know why can't I do it.
    I have a problem of bottling up my emotions as you mentioned. There have been times in my past when I would just cry for no solid reason. What do you mean by let it flow? like just observe them or something?They are there all the time.
     
  14. kira

    kira Member

    Today all my friends met for a reunion. I wanted to go and meet them but I didn't, I was to ashamed as all of them are doing well in their lives and I am the only loser fapping around and going no where.

    I feel like I am just digging the hole deeper for myself. I don't know how will I get out of this misery circle. From where and when will I find the determination and courage to do what needs to be done?

    I am tired of forcing myself, its so fake and I feel depressed. To be honest my life feels boring/depressing and stressful without porn and with it I just drown in my own misery
     
  15. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Make sure to make it clear for yourself why you're doing this. People can do all sorts of stuff as long as they want it enough.
    For me, this streak I'm on started because I liked a girl and I knew I'd be on the same party as her in 20 days. The first weeks are the most important to have a lot of motivation. I'm passed the 20 days now and the party was last Tuesday. The motivation to still keep going with this streak is because the last 20 days have been the most productive, most social, most growing and best feeling days I have ever experienced.
    I know for sure that PMO was ruining my life in a way. Now, because I so consciously wanted to become better, I'm overgrowing myself.

    Feel lucky that you get this opportunity to become better than you could've ever been. Maybe if this whole PMO thing wasn't in your life, you would've never thought about becoming a better person/getting a better life.

    Please, please, stick with it and see what it brings. Bad feelings will pass. Everything will pass, you will pass someday so please stop relapsing and try wanting this whole thing more, okay?

    I'll try to read your journal often and help you out but you're the one with hands or no hands in his pants!
    Good luck my friend, I really think you can do it. :)
     
  16. SelfImprovement

    SelfImprovement New Member

    Kira,

    The biggest thing for you to focus on is feeling good. You aren't going to feel good by constantly trying to quit porn. That'll just drive you insane and keep you in your own head. You need to get out and do new things to make yourself better. Set some goals. Imagine an amazing life, the most perfect life that you can picture in your head and then start chipping away at that to make it a reality. Get out and meet new people. It may be uncomfortable at first but if you want to be more energized and happy you need to do the things that you want to do (even if they make you uncomfortable). Remember that you are growing when you feel uncomfortable. It's a good thing. Soon enough the things that made you uncomfortable will be within your comfort zone and then you can move on to even bigger and better goals. Also start exercising. The quickest way to change your mental state is by changing your physiology. If you're in a shitty mood, go for a 10-15 minute jog. If you can't do that, start with a 10-15 minute walk and add some short bursts of jogging in the mix. While you do this, focus on what is going right in your life. Focus on what you're grateful for and imagine your new life that you are building. Feel that you already have it. I promise you this will make you feel on top of the world. Also read this book - "Awaken the Giant Within" by Tony Robbins. It will change your life. Guaranteed. Just remember the big thing here is to feel good and you don't need to be on a big streak to feel good. You can feel good whenever you decide that you want to. Everything will fall into place when you take these positive strides in your life.

    Godspeed brethren. Make this life something special.
     
  17. kira

    kira Member

    Thank you so much for your love and support! This forum never fails to lift me up.

    Well now by using host files I have blocked porn sites on my phone as well as laptop. So chances are extremely low that I would end up watching porn. It is difficult now.

    Though I did relapse today but that was without porn. I was having an horrible day and my emotions took the better of me. I have to learn emotional management.

    I have decided to weekly post here
     
  18. kira

    kira Member

    Since the last few days I have been trying hard to change my ways of being. I may not be completely happy with the output but at least I am trying rather than brooding and sleeping in depression.

    Today I was very close to Mo'ing but managed to divert myself at the right time. The problem still remains of wasting a lot of time. I get up late and than talk with my family and only after 3-4 hours I would sit to do something productive which is again short lived and ends up with me wasting another 3-4 hours. Soon I realize that my day is over and I have not enjoyed my day nor did I made it productive.

    Sometimes I feel really worried about my future. Will I be able to speak for myself? Will I be the bold and the daring person I want to be? Will I like working in the field I have chosen in the future? There are so many questions and little to answer. School is getting over now and I will be entering the adult world and I feel very timid. There is no place for timidity in the outside world but I have always felt like this. I want to change.

    I know I have fucked up my past because of which I am behind my peers and a mountain of work is sitting right there on my desk. But I still feel that I am too young to takes things seriously. Like what good has it done in the past? I have been very serious and full of worries all my life because of which I never enjoyed my life. My peers had more fun and are still ahead of me.

    I just want a happy life with friends, family and work that I love to do. I don't want to be so serious. I want to chill. It's alright even if I have a pile of pending stuff to do. Being serious about it doesn't help anyways. I can still enjoy my life. I want to make memories which I will cherish when I am old. I want to be a fun person but I don't know how to do it.
     
  19. kira

    kira Member

    I am getting such a strong urge to fap. I am glad that i had blocked all porn websites and now I cant access it. But I can still fantasize.

    I was just talking to a girl who I used to fantasize before and the urges become very strong. They were weaker just a few hours back. But if I try to analyze why they are coming than it's because I have wasted another day.

    I am suppose to study, look for a job and go to they gym. That should ideally be my routine but I don't do it. This feeling I get at the end of an unproductive and a wasted day kills me. It is the biggest trigger to relapse as per each passing day i am moving closer to my finals and other exams/deadlines. If I keep wasting my time than I am going to go down badly again. I know this and this increases my stress exponentially.

    But Relapsing will only make things worse for me. I can't afford it. I am going to start again tom, learn from my mistakes and try a different approach.
     
  20. SelfImprovement

    SelfImprovement New Member

    Kira, in the beginning of change, nothing happens easily. You have some bad habits that you fall into every day. That's okay, everyone has bad habits. At least you've identified them and want to change them. That's a great place to start. It takes time and some effort to build new healthy habits. Change doesn't happen overnight, remember that. I'm telling you "Awaken the Giant Within" by Tony Robbins is a great place to start if you want to create positive changes in your life. It's a long book but there are lessons to be learned on every page and there are so many tools in the book that will help you to become the person you dream to be. It sounds like I'm a salesman for this guy but I really just feel that strongly about what that book can do to help people.
     

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