Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    don't quit before the miracle.
     
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Stay the course @Cali it will be worth it.
     
  3. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    FMO lead to PMO again, it is a pattern that I am having a really tough time breaking.
     
  4. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    It is tough. But you're coming here as part of another pattern. Two patterns at war with each other. Glad you're in the fight and cheering you on man! One pattern will win and become dominant. We have so many choices in determining which one wins, one day at a time
     
  5. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Nine days without FMO or PMO.

    When I use porn I am actually cheating on my wife as I am no longer interested in her sexually or emotionally. When I use porn I do not want a women my own age, a women I have built a life with, instead I want some hot young fantasy that would not give me the time of day in real life. I need to get my head out of this warped fantasy life and start reconnecting with the woman who actually loves and cares for me.
     
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  6. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    amen to that my brother.
     
    ace1234 likes this.
  7. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    Thanks for sharing your story man. I'm sorry that you spent your entire life in a PMO fantasy. I have too, but I am much younger (31) and want to stop this shit before it destroys my life completely. I just want to say thanks again for being here and I wish that you find the strength to live the way you believe you should. I sometimes think that it would have been easier to stay away from P if I had been born 30 years earlier. At least P would not have had a portal right into your home and it would have taken effort, and possibly money to feed such an addiction.

    Alas, a few years ago I crumpled and caved and went to see prostitute that I talked to through the internet. It was the most shameful experience of my life and not enjoyable. That's what porn has done to me personally. It's turned me into a sex crazed addict seeking it in the wrong places, and it's very sad, not funny. I never thought as a kid I would do such a thing.
     
  8. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Even though I am married I haven't had sex in years and previously I have been using this fact as an excuse to PMO. I am not falling for that justification anymore! I am going to stay PMO free and once I begin to get my natural arousal back I am going to approach my wife for sex. I will explain to her that there is no pressure on either of us to perform, but we need to try. I need a lover in my life not a roommate. She constantly tells me she loves me but there is no intimacy in our relationship, this needs to change. I know we are both to blame for our current "roommate" existence, but we need to work on getting our relationship back to "lovers". I also know this will never have any chance of happening if I continue to PMO.

    I have better things to do with my time than view porn.
     
  9. StarWarsFan

    StarWarsFan Member

    Wishing you the best and totally agree
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's there just waiting for you. I love the energy you are showing to reclaim that intimacy. Bravo!
     
    ace1234 and Mozenjo like this.
  11. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks @StarWarsFan and @Saville.

    @Saville - I have been reading your journal and it is very inspiring for me; thank you for being so open and honest about your recovery.
     
    Saville likes this.
  12. ace1234

    ace1234 A woman simply is, but a man must become.

    I like this. It's so true. Everything is there. We just have to dis-cover it.
     
  13. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Two weeks without porn. I was thinking about my more recent relapses into a PMO binge and I am always very aware of what is happening and really have not given up much of a fight. After some trigger my PMO head tells me that we are going to look at porn and like a robot I go get my tablet and headphones and begin the search for whatever my warped brain is interested in seeking. This does not need to happen as I have the ability to just say not today and not in this moment. I am not a robot I am a man with the ability to make choices. The PMO binge is never worth it in the end; the search never really finds what my warped brain is seeking and the climax is not satisfying.

    Two weeks of no porn behind me, a lifetime in front of me!
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great words to start today (and every day) with!
     
  15. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I have been reading @Saville journal from the beginning and the discussions on MO really rang true for me. I definitely understand the connection between PMO and FMO and I am certain that FMO has always brought me back to PMO. I am going to attempt to abstain from MO and see if that will help me not fall back into a PMO binge. I really want to get better.
     
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  16. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I keep projecting that my wife will never want sex, but I know that is my addiction just trying to pull me back into the dark side. I am going to take life one day at a time and see where this journey leads me. I need to stay PMO and FMO free for today.
     
  17. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I MO'd yesterday and used fantasy while I was doing the deed. I did not use porn, but this is definitely a close second. I had been feeling sorry for myself that I was in a sexless marriage and outside of work I really have no social life or friends. Feeling sorry for myself and then sliding back into a PMO binge is bullshit and not going to happen! How is my life ever going to change for the better if I keep repeating the same behavior? I need to get my head on straight and focus on beating this addiction and improving my health thorough exercise and diet. If I do these things then everything else will take care of itself in its own time.
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We don't have to be perfect. As we stay away from P the good things find us. It's good to eat well and exercise, but we don't need for those two things to become two more beating sticks that we take to our backs. You've been doing great. Give yourself some credit.

    On my own journey I realized I had to be more of a doer. If I thought about taking a walk, I would immediately get up and go for one, even if it was around the block in the rain. If I had it in my mind to clean the garage I would put on my shoes on do it, even if it was only for 10-15 minutes. Life, as well as PMO, made me passive. It is only through doing that we create momentum. Somebody wrote a book about the 5 second principle. The premise is simple: if you wait more than five seconds to do something you're not going to do it. For instance: you are wanting to reach out to the wife and kiss her deeply. If you wait more than 5 seconds the voices of defeat will shout you down.

    You are smart, insightful, and sensitive. Your wife married you for these qualities. A part of her, even though she may not know it, is just waiting for you to claim her.
     
    Old Tom Bombadil and Cali like this.
  19. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks @Saville for the sound advice; I really respect your insights. I am also very thankful that you are still active on this forum.

    Last night the urge to PMO was strong as my wife was out of the house, but I thought of the post I made in @ruggerdoug's journal earlier in the day and asked myself "am I really that big of a hypocrite?". It was that little post that kept me from relapsing. Instead of chasing the warped porn scene that had entered my head I reread @TheUnderdog's post https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...ughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/, which always speaks to me. It is a call to action; to quit thinking about sex and focus on improving ourselves. Today is a day of action and that may be as simple as taking walks or doing some chores that I have been putting off. I will not be sitting around white knuckling it through like I did yesterday or dwelling in self pity over a sexless marriage, that is no way to live life. I am going to become a man of action. I always feel a lot of satisfaction when I accomplish something no matter how small that accomplishment may be.
     
    Old Tom Bombadil, Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  20. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Being grateful and keeping busy, all good.
     
    Saville likes this.

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