Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I am one day away from 90 days and quite honestly I know that I have a long way to go. The urges still creep into my conscious and if I do not push them away a binge is going to happen. Sometimes my addiction tries to convince me that I like porn so why am I depriving myself of something I like. Fortunately, I remind myself that this is just my addiction speaking to me and I remind myself of how I feel during a binge; never being satisfied with the last video I watched and then the regret once the binge is over.

    I agree Saville; unfortunately, the relationship with my wife has not improved yet in this area. She just does not seem to be into interested in having sex after so long without it. I am to blame for the "so long without it" so I will be patient and keep working on both my recovery and our intimacy.

    I have a long way to go to repair the damage of years of PMO, but I want to stay the course to see how this story ends. I know how the PMO story ends and it is always the same, a feeling of being unfulfilled.
    Saville and Deleted User like this.
  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Congratulations, Cali! Things will improve with time, don’t worry about it. In the meantime, you can be proud of yourself, because you’re doing the right things. Keep it up.
    Saville likes this.
  3. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i am in the same situation with my wife. we have sex maybe once every 3-4 mos. i believe it is mainly my fault; PIED-she figures i can't do anything so why even try. lack of intimacy due to my drinking history, the lies i have told, no trust, my low self-esteem, feeling less than. i don't have to tell her, women pick up on this. my "secret" filthy addiction. i really have only 2 choices. work on me, personal development-no porn, work, pray, meditate, be truthful, keep my word, etc. or continue with porn for a quick fix when life kicks my ass. for me it's about choice. i am not 18 yrs anymore. i would like to be the man my wife thought she married all those years ago. i can do it, all i have to do is want it more than anything else. make it a priority. i have to work on me. as improve on a daily basis, everything else falls into place. my 2 cents worth. hang in there.
    Deleted User and Saville like this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wives respond when they are confronted by that which nature demands they do. Cali, you and @badger speak of your lack of sex being your fault, but in my estimation that is not true. I was also in a sexless marriage and the truth is it was as much my wife's doing, as mine. The great news is that we can shift that paradigm without the wife lifting a finger.

    Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy was a revelation for me. Basically, men that find themselves in our predicament are usually men who have bent the knee to the almighty Matriarch. Our formative influences were what women thought masculinity should be. Even though it sounds dickish we have to draw big black lines that delineate "me the man, you the woman." We have to not give one fuck about how the wife feels, or if we're being romantic, or if we're making sure they cum. In other words, we go back to our primal roots. If you knew me before you would have not ever, not in a million years, thought I would be the guy who would say things like this. I was the original liberal, the fair minded partner who wanted equality. Well, that would've been great if my wife didn't take that as an opportunity to steal my pants. Your wives have done something similar and they withhold sex because it gives them power over you. We can make up all sorts of reason for them such as they are depressed, are they've had a hard life, or I haven't done this or that, but at the end of the day THEY chose to check out as much as you.

    We must return to simple reasons, before blankets of shame and rationalization overwhelmed us. Our wives married us presumably because there was some sort of chemistry. That's all we need to know. The way forward is equally simple. Compliment your wife every chance you get. Tell the old bag how good she looks, what a winning smile she has. Touch her more often, which includes hugs and the odd peck. You'll both feel weird, but it will be a good weird. Let the hugs be longer. Demand hugs even when she doesn't want them. My wife practically accused me of assault sometimes, but I would just laugh, because I knew that she liked the attention. After some months, when we were on holiday, I produced a bottle of lube and sidled up to her. It took a few tries, but it broke the ice dam and allowed things to flow in a more organic way.

    We never get healthy enough or have enough days under our belt. We have to be a little bit brave and decide, once and for all, that we are very much worth the effort.
    realness and (deleted member) like this.
  5. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    thanks. i think i needed my ass kicked. knock some sense into me. for years i have been acting as you describe. i still feel guilty for all the terrible things i did while i was drinking. so most of the time i think i deserve whatever the wife throws at me. sometimes i feel i deserve it, like a pennance. but you are correct. i have been sober for 18 yrs. not doing the old things anymore. as a matter of fact i am a model for husband of the year. i feel that any man that exerts his dominance over woman is a bully. a mean man. but there are limits. but she has my number and knows exactly when to punch it. it makes things worse with the added guilt of my porn addiction. like my addiction, her behaviour has been molded over many years and it is going to take time to change. but i have to do something about it. maybe i will take a look at no more mr. nice guy. again thanks for the wake-up call again.
    Deleted User and Saville like this.
  6. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks @Saville for the eye opening message. I like this way forward, it seems that after being married for so long and consumed by my PMO addiction that I have forgotten how to court a women.

    Thanks @Bilbo Swaggins, this is just the beginning of my journey and I am excite to see how much better my life can be with each new day. I am not going to underestimate this addiction. I will stay vigilant and respect that recovery is a process that does not end regardless of how long it has been since my last PMO binge.
    Mozenjo, Saville and Deleted User like this.
  7. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Cali congratulations on reaching 90 days! Well done you. All best,
    Cali and Saville like this.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    90 is that accomplishment so many of us are striving for. Great job, Cali! Keep up the good work.
    Cali and Saville like this.
  9. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    An interesting and useful no-holds-barred message there from Saville. I think it's a valid point that we shouldn't purely blame ourselves for being in a sexless relationship. If I reflect on the reality of my marriage, my wife and I are both partly responsible for the lack of sexual intimacy. The part about demanding hugs even when she doesn't want them gave me a chuckle, pretty sure I've done that a few times.
    Cali and Saville like this.
  10. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    It has been over a year since I first attempted to quit PMO and I just keep failing. My longest streak was maybe 90 days, truthfully I do not even remember. I will go on a short streak and then fail. I quit coming to this forum because I did not want to be accountable for my failures. I need to be accountable; otherwise, it just keeps being my dirty little secret.

    This is day 1, I need to beat this addiction. This is the hardest thing I have ever attempted to do in my life; much harder than getting sober from drugs and alcohol.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2022
    realness, Rudolf Geyse and Bill Bogie like this.
  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Is it possible, that we don´t need to beat anything and just need to become ourselfes, our true selfes which does not need an escape from reality with drugs like PMO? Just a thought.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2022
    Cali likes this.
  12. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Last night’s sleep was very restless. I have gone down this journey before so I know there will be many more challenging nights. I also know that I need to watch my mood swings as I deprive my addict of its fix.

    I am not the man I wish to be. I need to make changes beyond just abstaining from PMO. I need to begin eating closer to nature. I need to begin working out again. I will begin today.
    Rudolf Geyse and Mozenjo like this.
  13. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Worked out yesterday and had a PMO / FMO free day. One day at a time. I do not care about morning wood, etc. I only care about fixing my brain. I am so desensitized and objectify women constantly. I need to keep clean so hopefully a long term reboot will at least repair some of the damage I have done to myself.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    If we were opioid addicts half of us would be dead by now. Addiction changes the brain. (we all know this) Hence the adage: neurons that fire together, wire together. It takes about 2 years clean to wipe the slate clean and even then we must be vigilant. The stakes feel lower because our lives aren't at risk, but we all know how PMO absolutely does negatively affect our lives.

    The great news is that we get to experience healing ourselves. It feels so wonderful to have clarity of mind and feel our passions come back. That dead feeling, the inaccessibility to our emotions, fall away and life starts to really rock. You've got this!
  15. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    the first step in any addiction is to stop using the harmful substance, whatever that might be. when i don't pmo i have lots of free time. so there in lies the rub. now i have to find something positive to do with this free time. exercise, read, learn to play piano, visit with friends. family activities-go to the movies. these are the activities i choose. after a while i don't even think about pmo because i am busy building a life. i did not get addicted in one day. it will take longer than one day to get out of this filth. but the magic word for me is ACTION. do the deed the feelings will follow. another one of my old man ramblings. don't quit before the miracle.
    Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.
  16. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I hope the allure of having sex again will become stronger than the excitement I feel searching for and then watching unrealistic porn scenes. I am just mind blown how porn has warped my sense of reality when it comes to sexual excitement. I pray that if I stay clean I will once again get excited about having sex. The fact I am writing these statements just reinforces my need to be porn free and build a life that enjoys simple pleasures.
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2022 at 9:28 PM
    Saville likes this.
  17. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    The sad thing is that deep down I know that I have replaced alcohol with porn as my coping mechanism, my way to escape the stress of real life.

    That is probably what I did
  18. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    The last time I made an attempt at get porn out of my life and reboot my brain I still engaged in FMO, which is a recipe for failure. How is my brain supposed to heal if I am using fantasy just like I was using porn. So, the prescription is no PMO and no FMO.
    Rudolf Geyse and Libertad like this.
  19. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Another tough night of sleep, but I need to stay the course.

    Life is so fleeting; I need to become a man that is grateful for all the blessings in his life, a man that I can be proud of, a man that is not consumed by his addiction, a man that is content with life's simple pleasures. I will NOT let the brainwashing continue.
    Rudolf Geyse and Bill Bogie like this.

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