Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep on truckin', bro'. :)
     
  2. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I almost failed yesterday. Same pattern as always, I start convincing myself earlier in the day that my wife will never again want sex and I may as well just PMO. There I was projecting again to give myself permission to visit my favorite porn sites. This time I decided to quit projecting and stay the course. Currently she does not seem interested in sex, but then again I have not initiated it or been interested in having real sex for a very very long time. I have been more interested in a porn binge session than real intimacy. I have also been afraid that I will not be able to perform without porn, which has happened in the past. I need to stay clean; otherwise, how will I ever know if intimacy can once again return to our marriage. I do not want to be in this endless cycle of failure and never receive the benefits of being porn free. This time I am going to fight that monster in my head; recognize his tactics and slowly starve him to death!
     
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  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    But you didn't! :) Well done!

    You will have intimacy with your wife again. It really IS easy. My wife and I have sex once-a-week, usually, and that's after I cheated on her twice and got caught. :eek::oops:o_O Those weren't fun days, I can tell you. It was so much easier to watch P and just forget that I had a wife, even though we bumped along in the same house. But, when I found this place I suddenly had hope, not for intimacy, but to rescue myself, and that's what's it's all about. I took care of myself and then suddenly I had the courage to approach the wife. I waited until we went on holiday. I bought some lube, just in case, and was ready for use to make love. We both felt awkward and I believe my wife also felt bemused. The first few times weren't magical, but they were fun enough and broke the ice.

    You are doing the right things, Cali. Keep in mind that this is YOUR journey, no one else's. I didn't decide to be intimate with the wife for her or my marriage. I did for me, because I'm worth rescuing....you are too!
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2021
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  4. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I am continuing to work on breaking the habit of projecting future events that may never happen. As an example, I am not going to project or worry about my future sex life with my wife. If I do not get clean then my future is already determined and I will just be stuck in the isolated rut I have been in for years. I need to keep reminding myself of this fact. If I do not change my habits and behavior then I will never give myself the opportunity for a different life. I am not happy with a life of PMO so I need to do the hard work to change. It all comes down to choices and I need be vigilant!
     
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  5. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I will not go back to PMO. I need to experience what it is like to have normal dopamine levels and intimacy with my wife again. I need to find the beauty in each and every day regardless of the situation and enjoy the moment. I have been so blessed in my life. I have been very fortunate in so many different ways. I will not let PMO control me any longer!
     
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Beautifully written message, Cali.
     
  7. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Had trouble last night with wanting to fantasize, not a good place for me. I need to do better or it will lead me back to a PMO binge. I cannot keep making the same mistakes and follow the same patterns of previous failures. I will not let this happen again!
     
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  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Wanting to fantasize is something different that actually doing it. Seems you handled well there!
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's for sure! When the kids were young I would think about throwing them out the window, but never did. :D

    And, yes, Cali, you handled it well!
     
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    What Gil and Saville said!
    I'm going through the same grind you are, Cali. Power through it. We will get to the other side. Just gotta keep slaying the beast until its power is gone. To strip it of its power, we have to walk away from it.
     
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  11. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks for all the encouragement guys. Last night was a good night, no urges just rolled over and went to sleep. So much of my life has been centered around PMO and sexual fantasy. I need to start working on filling that void by reading more and getting educated on something outside my current profession, something that I can be passionate about, just not sure what that is yet.
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've found reading biographies of adventurers to really help. Instead of watching TV on most nights I read and am usually so engrossed in the book that I forget about P and M altogether. I've also found keeping a journal to helpful and not just the one on here. I have a book where I write down loose thoughts and also boring things that I did during the day. I suppose it's really a diary, more than a journal. Anyway, keeping the diary has opened up new things to me. Because, somewhere in the deep recesses of our brains our passions are waiting to be released. I just started with the diary a few months ago and it has proved its worth over and over again.
     
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  13. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    Saville,
    I try to do the same-daily journal. first thing in the morning as soon as I wake up I start writing. stream of consciousness, whatever comes out. I just write. with a pen and paper is better for me-more personal, faster than typing. seems it comes from within, the unconscious. I may look at it that day. or maybe at a later time. when I do read it, it is if someone else is looking at me, looking at my insides. it is a perspective from another person. more objective than if I sit and think about what I am going to write. helps me. thanks.
     
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  14. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Still struggling with fantasy on occasion, but much less frequently. I need to remind myself that this is a process and will take time. I am not trying to be perfect. I am just trying to not look at porn, which I have been successful in doing for the last 25 days. On one occasion earlier this week I decided F*ck it and even opened my iPad with the full intention of a PMO session. I then decided that acting out would not be worth the regret I would feel after the deed was done so I closed the iPad. This was the same pattern I had when I quit alcohol many years ago. I would think about having a drink, but then remember that it would lead to many drinks and a wicked hang over that was just not worth it. Anyway, I am still on track, not perfect from a rewiring standpoint, but still porn free.

    I am thankful for another day on this earth and I promise to live it well.
     
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  15. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    25 days especially the FIRST 25 days porn free is a big achievement. Hang in there Cali!
     
  16. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    good for you Cali. playing the whole tape through. not just the pleasure part, which is only a couple of seconds.
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You're doing great. Making that key decision at the right time is critical. Keep up the good work!
     
  18. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I can do this; my whole life does not need to center around the high of PMO and fantasy. I am starting to see how warped porn has made my thought process as it relates to sex, intimacy, and relationships. Life is a precious gift with so many opportunities to grow as a human being, to learn new skills, go on new adventures, to make new friends, and love again. I am grateful for this desire to be PMO free, with all its challenges, and all the rewards that I know are waiting for me if I can stay the course. I look forward to a better way to live.
     
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  19. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I have been struggling with urges the last couple of days, but have managed to ignore them. I just want normal intimacy in my life again, but the thrill of the PMO hunt keeps calling me. Experience tells me that the PMO hunt will never be truly satisfying. I also know how much better my life will be to once again have intimacy the way nature intended. I just hope this tug of war is not going to last long.
     
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  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yep, it's a struggle, but as you know, all worthwhile things are. I think you're killing it, bro'!
     

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