Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep on truckin', bro'. :)
  2. Cali

    Cali Member

    I almost failed yesterday. Same pattern as always, I start convincing myself earlier in the day that my wife will never again want sex and I may as well just PMO. There I was projecting again to give myself permission to visit my favorite porn sites. This time I decided to quit projecting and stay the course. Currently she does not seem interested in sex, but then again I have not initiated it or been interested in having real sex for a very very long time. I have been more interested in a porn binge session than real intimacy. I have also been afraid that I will not be able to perform without porn, which has happened in the past. I need to stay clean; otherwise, how will I ever know if intimacy can once again return to our marriage. I do not want to be in this endless cycle of failure and never receive the benefits of being porn free. This time I am going to fight that monster in my head; recognize his tactics and slowly starve him to death!
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    But you didn't! :) Well done!

    You will have intimacy with your wife again. It really IS easy. My wife and I have sex once-a-week, usually, and that's after I cheated on her twice and got caught. :eek::oops:o_O Those weren't fun days, I can tell you. It was so much easier to watch P and just forget that I had a wife, even though we bumped along in the same house. But, when I found this place I suddenly had hope, not for intimacy, but to rescue myself, and that's what's it's all about. I took care of myself and then suddenly I had the courage to approach the wife. I waited until we went on holiday. I bought some lube, just in case, and was ready for use to make love. We both felt awkward and I believe my wife also felt bemused. The first few times weren't magical, but they were fun enough and broke the ice.

    You are doing the right things, Cali. Keep in mind that this is YOUR journey, no one else's. I didn't decide to be intimate with the wife for her or my marriage. I did for me, because I'm worth are too!
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2021
    Mozenjo and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  4. Cali

    Cali Member

    I am continuing to work on breaking the habit of projecting future events that may never happen. As an example, I am not going to project or worry about my future sex life with my wife. If I do not get clean then my future is already determined and I will just be stuck in the isolated rut I have been in for years. I need to keep reminding myself of this fact. If I do not change my habits and behavior then I will never give myself the opportunity for a different life. I am not happy with a life of PMO so I need to do the hard work to change. It all comes down to choices and I need be vigilant!
    Mozenjo, Saville and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  5. Cali

    Cali Member

    I will not go back to PMO. I need to experience what it is like to have normal dopamine levels and intimacy with my wife again. I need to find the beauty in each and every day regardless of the situation and enjoy the moment. I have been so blessed in my life. I have been very fortunate in so many different ways. I will not let PMO control me any longer!
    forlorn, Mozenjo and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Beautifully written message, Cali.
  7. Cali

    Cali Member

    Had trouble last night with wanting to fantasize, not a good place for me. I need to do better or it will lead me back to a PMO binge. I cannot keep making the same mistakes and follow the same patterns of previous failures. I will not let this happen again!
    Mozenjo and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Wanting to fantasize is something different that actually doing it. Seems you handled well there!
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's for sure! When the kids were young I would think about throwing them out the window, but never did. :D

    And, yes, Cali, you handled it well!
    Mozenjo and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    What Gil and Saville said!
    I'm going through the same grind you are, Cali. Power through it. We will get to the other side. Just gotta keep slaying the beast until its power is gone. To strip it of its power, we have to walk away from it.

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