Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Over 3 weeks since your last post Cali. Tell us what's been going on, good or bad, we're here for you.

    How do you think your wife would react if you went to sleep in the same room as her?
     
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  2. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks for reaching out @forlorn. I have not been posting because I feel like such a hypocrite coming to the forum and saying all the right things and then not being able to stop myself from going back to PMO after a short streak. I have been bored while in COVID lockdown and when I get bored I always go back to PMO. I used to love to read fiction, but in the last couple years when I have down time I find myself on YouTube and eventually porn sites. Now that I write it down, what a waste of my life energy. I will start this journey again today. I will find a good book to read.
     
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  3. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good luck with this. It’s not easy to get back on track, we all know this. Take care.
     
  4. badger

    badger Active Member

    I started with youtube. some soft porn there. now I stay away from youtube unless I know exactly what I am looking for. usually piano or guitar tutorial or some inspiring video. reading is always a good go to for me. it's usually the things/activities that I don't want to do are the exact things I need to do. honey dos, reading, exercising, walking, calling someone. after I force myself to accomplish this. I notice my porn urge has passed. and I feel much better. hang in there.
     
  5. Don't beat yourself up. That's the lies that the addict tells themselves. You made a mistake. Get back after it.

    I too am an avid reader. I have found using a kindle which makes it easier to move to the next book since it's just a download away has helped me read even more than I used to with physical books. Perhaps this is a helpful option if you don't have one already.
     
  6. Cali

    Cali Member

    I just read EasyPeasy and strangely that is how I quit drinking over 20 years ago after struggling with being an alcoholic. I just decided enough was enough and quit. I would get urges of course, but would just channel those into rejoicing that I was sober and would never drink again. I have now hit the same wall with my porn addiction that I hit when I decided to quit drinking. I am tired of struggling with relapses, tired of fighting the urges with will power, and tired of the guilt. Just like I was exhausted from being an alcoholic, I am exhausted from being a porn addict. So today I am rejoicing that I am finally done with porn. I have nothing witty or inspiring to say, I am just done.
     
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  7. Cali

    Cali Member

    Driving hard towards 30 days clean!
     
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  8. Cali

    Cali Member

    Today I am back to day one after a PMO session last night. I am not going to beat myself up; I am just going to try again to keep clean. I have had glimpses into what it is like to be porn free, even if those glimpses have only been for a few short weeks. It is a good feeling being clean so I am not sure why this addiction keeps pulling me back into its grasp. I will not let this one PMO session derail all I have done up to this point, so today I am back to being clean.
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You did great, Cali. Getting to 30 again is impressive! And you're right; one session doesn't derail your progress. It's a bump in the road to recovery. Back to 30 and beyond. I'm rooting for you.
     
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  10. Cali

    Cali Member

    I am really lost on why I cannot put this addiction behind me! I do not even know how to properly use this forum to help with my recovery so I just stay away. I know that this addiction is like being an alcoholic where one peek is my one drink and if I do that one peek I am off on a porn bender. I have not had that one drink for many years and it has worked to beat my alcoholism. I need to quit having that one peek if I am going to beat my porn addiction. I need to remind myself every day that one peek will lead to a porn binge! I need to make it that simple, if I do not peek I will stay clean.
     
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  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think one of the reasons porn is harder to keep away from than alcohol is because, in some ways, it can't be so easily hidden. The results of excessive drinking are obvious to all and the decline of the family unit rapid. Porn is more insidious and it is always just a click away. I'm not saying one is worse than the other, only that they are different beasts. PMO seems to reveal deeper issues in a person's psyche, which is why we must try and heal ourselves on many levels...not an easy task. So, it's not just the peek, imo, it's the lack of energy to deal with ourselves. There are oodles of men here who become low-level porn users. They stay away from it for a week or two, have a tug for a couple of days, abstain for another week, etc. This is incredibly depleting, as it induces a kind of ennui. The user loses a sense of urgency to really beat the addiction. Users tell themselves "well, over all I'm doing better," but are they?

    Resolve comes the longer we stay away from it, which in turn gives us a tremendous energy to stay healthy.
     
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Cali, Saville is absolutely correct that the "low level users", like me, are not doing ourselves any favors. I would much rather be over this shit once and for all, but also continually give myself permission to peek. And it always, always leads to a PMO session. Sometimes it takes a couple of days of "not bad enough to reset" to "yup, did it again", but that first peek is really just diving headlong onto the slippery slope. As you say, we must stop doing that. And because it is indeed a super insidious beast, we just have to be aware of that when we want to sneak a hit of dopamine. Addiction sucks. Our way out is to stop feeding it.
    I'm with you on this. Keep it up, and keep journaling.
     
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  13. Cali

    Cali Member

    I have to agree with everything you said in your post. I do not want to be a low-level user, that is not my goal. I do not want to continue to be on this roller coaster of beginning to feel better and then crash again.
     
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  14. Cali

    Cali Member

    I cannot seem to get back on track, in a really bad place right now.
     
  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling well. When I'm on a downward spiral I tend to avoid coming here because of the reason you mentioned. I know it's incredibly frustrating to repeat the same patterns over and over. But perhaps we need to look beyond all this. Accept that we're human and that we make mistakes.

    The best thing you can do to get back on track is to stop the peeking - every time you act out, it's hurting you. By your own admission it was a good feeling being clean - try to get back into that mental space.

    At least here, you know you won't be judged, we're all facing similar battles.
     
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  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You'll get back on track. I've been in that bad place and it will pass. It doesn't make it easier today, but you will emerge from it and then you'll be ready to tackle life anew.
     
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  17. badger

    badger Active Member

    i too know that feeling very well. i had not posted because i am with my tail between my legs now. i relapsed after a good streak. but today i am not crying over spilled milk. today i have a choice, do i want to feel degenerate/filthy/smutty/dirty and less than. that is up to me. hang in there.
     
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  18. badger

    badger Active Member

    cali,
    whether it be good or bad. this too shall pass. hang in there just for today. sometimes for me it is postponing my 'hit' for one hour, one minute. whatever it takes. i understand. hang in there. praying for you.
     
  19. Cali

    Cali Member

    I am really struggling with my personality defects, which are perfectionism and always projecting that a future situation will turn out poorly. It is miserable way to live life! I am so blessed in many ways yet I always focus on the negatives or worry about something that never happens. Today I am going to make a conscious effort to focus on positive thoughts in every situation and quit projecting.

    Thankful for another porn free day!
     
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  20. badger

    badger Active Member

    i sometimes forget but i try to be grateful for something everyday. attitude of gratitude. hang in there my brother.
     

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