Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Cali

    Cali Member

    The counter says it all.
     
  2. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about this. It happens to everybody, you’re not alone. Just do not say to yourself: ‘’ Since I have already fucked everything up, might as well PMO some more.’’
    Try to get back on the horse as soon as possible, and to understand why you relapsed (what triggered you, what you will do next time the same thing happens, etc.).
    Take care, Cali, and do your best. You can do it.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  3. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks @Bilbo Baggins. I am back on the horse, just very disappointed. Boredom, stress, and fantasizing is what triggered the PMO session. My previous 30+ days was not a quality reboot as I was still fantasizing a lot when I was bored. I did some things right, but in the end the fantasizing did me in. The fantasies need to go and when I get bored I need to fill my time with something constructive like learning something new or doing something creative. I understand that this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  4. Cali

    Cali Member

    For the last 4 days I have managed to push the fantasies out of my head every time my brain attempts to insert one. The weekend is here so this will be my first real test as I will have more down time. My plan is to keep busy, there is no shortage of work to do around the house.

    If I am going to be honest with myself, deep down I am very scared that I will get clean, but my wife and I will fail to reestablish an intimate sexual relationship. We love each other and have built a life together, but we live like best friends and roommates not lovers. I remember when we were lovers and our relationship was just different, much more fulfilling emotionally. I hope my years of PMO have not destroyed any chance of us becoming lovers once again.
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  5. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Good job on four days, Cali. It’s nice to see you are back on the horse. Good luck for this weekend, come on the forum anytime you need it. There is no shame in writing here when you go through hard times, that’s what this forum is all about.

    I can understand how you feel about your marriage. It’s not an easy situation, but I recommend avoiding feeling hopeless about it, and thinking too much of the future. What’s helping me in my reboot is to go one day at the time. Everybody says that all the time, and it never really made sense to me before. But now I see it: one day the time, not only in staying away from porn, but in everything else. If you feel that you have to beat an addiction and at the same time that you have so many other things to fix in your life, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and to lose hope. Also, as we regain emotional balance and sexual function through rebooting, we will feel better with ourselves, which will make of us stronger men who are more prepared to face other challenges. That’s how I see things for me, anyway. I focus on my reboot for now, and try to not think of the future.

    Take care, Cali. Be well.
     
  6. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks for the reminder Bilbo Baggins, that is how I beat alcohol addiction many years ago. This addiction needs to be handled the same way, but I have to admit it is proving to be much more challenging. Focusing on not allowing the fantasies to take hold seems to be helping me the most with this current reboot.
     
  7. Cali

    Cali Member

    Sill managing to push away the fantasies, which has meant no P, M, or O so far with this current reboot. I do feel the difference so far with this approach, but it is only day 9. Grateful for another day on this earth, another day to work on becoming a better husband and father, another day to show my wife how much I love her.
     
  8. Cali

    Cali Member

    Just checking in, I am keeping extremely busy with my day job and home improvement projects. The fantasies tried to creep in last night, but I successfully pushed them aside and was able to get a decent nights sleep. Still managing to be P, M, and O free on this current reboot. I cannot lose focus on the fact that fantasy, boredom, and stress always lead me back to porn, I must be vigilant!
     
  9. Cali

    Cali Member

    I beat drug addiction forty years ago and alcohol addiction twenty years ago, but this is way harder! Now that I have written that statement it is apparent that I have just traded one addiction for another over my lifetime and now PMO is my life coping mechanism of choice. If I do not find some other forms of dealing with stress, some healthy outlet I will never beat this beast. I already exercise, but I am not sure it is enough. When I look back on my life I have always used some form of addiction as an emotional outlet, man this is scary. I have a lot of stress in my life at the moment and the urges are raging. There are many people in this world that deal with stress without running to some addictive behavior; I just have never learned how to do that in my life. I have only used Porn once in the last fifty days, but I have to admit it has been a major struggle and I am starting to wonder if complete absence is even possible for me. last night I came close, very close to a PMO session even though deep down inside I want to see what life would be like without it.
     
  10. badger

    badger Active Member

    praying for you cali. I can totally reject to the "hollow" description you posted. have not been intimate with my wife, don't mean sexually, ever I don't believe. too shameful of my addiction and the degenerate escalating porn I watch. I feel like a pervert, dirty, smutty old man. never give up
     
  11. Cali

    Cali Member

    Another night PMO free, very grateful.
     
  12. Cali

    Cali Member

    I have been reading a lot of journals and it is quite scary how many of us cannot seem to beat this addiction. We all know that our lives will be better without porn yet we still give into the cravings and the need for that dopamine fix. I would like to read some success journals, but I am not sure how to find them. I would like to understand how the successful rebooters manage this addiction, how they were able to successfully reboot, especially in the beginning.
     
  13. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    You could go on yourbrainonporn.com and look into the recovery accounts pages. When you find a success story that inspires you, click on the link at the bottom of the page (most of them have a link towards a recovery forum). Sometimes you will find interesting journals that way.
     
  14. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks @Bilbo Baggins for the advice. I will check out the recovery account pages as you suggested. Also, I feel pretty silly as I just noticed there is an entire section called "Success Stories" on this forum that I never noticed before.
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It's better to try and fail than not to try at all. If you remain in a place of fear and don't bother trying, imagine how much regret you will have in the years to come. If you can establish some form of intimacy again, surely you will both feel better about yourselves and your relationship. Keep faith and carry on doing the right thing.
     
  16. badger

    badger Active Member

    keep at it Cali. i have been married 42 yrs. empty nesters now. we are just roommates. not even that. she sleeps in her room and i in mine. no intimacy. i know it's due to my porn addiction. PIED. shame, guilt. i feel like total degenerate in the viewing i have escalated to. like you boredom. i have a lot of free time. waste it on porn. i still work full time just so i am not at home alone with my wife. it's going to be a long uphill climb. but i'm doing it a step at a time. this forum is helping me. hang in there.
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  17. Cali

    Cali Member

    I got busy and quit visiting this forum everyday and and let my guard down and used PMO last night. My situation is like @badger's as we do not sleep in the same room anymore so it is way to easy to PMO if I am not completely vigilant. I am very disappointed, cannot seem to get beyond 30 days. Don't know what else to say right now.
     
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  18. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    You will get there. Most guys did not succeed on their first attempt. Get back on the horse quickly after a relapse, and if you can, learn about your triggers and ways to avoid this in the future. Good luck, Cali.
     
  19. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks @Bilbo Baggins, I am trying to learn from every relapse. I am going to think hard about my triggers and how to avoid them. Hopefully, I can put together a long enough streak that the urges lessen and I can begin to live the life I envision without this addiction.
     
    Mozenjo and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I know you can do this, Cali. Let's make December clean as a whistle. It will make ringing in the new year a joyous occasion.
     

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