Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Cali

    Cali Member

    @Bilbo Baggins I was reading your journal this morning and I see you recommended going hard mode. I have been struggling with making the decision to go hard mode or just focus on no PMO. I know using fantasy when I MO cannot help in my recovery and I have never just done MO based solely on feel as some have mentioned here; I guess it needs to be hard mode. Also your journal has motivated me to watch YBOP again to reenforce my understanding of what this disease has done to my brain and the best way to rewire it; I will go do that now.
    Bilbo Baggins and Mozenjo like this.
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Catching up on YBOP sounds like a great idea. Reminding ourselves of the physiological damage we've done to our brains is jolting.
    Hard mode, or monk mode, is the only mode that works in my book. It gives us the gift of removing our sexual rituals from our lives so we can recover. MO keeps that going.
    You're a week in, Cali. Congratulations! Keep going.
  3. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Definitely watch the touching, it’s one short step away from PMO as you said.

    Regarding letting the fantasies go, you might find either doing either breathing meditation or a body scan mediation to be very useful. Either of them should help you to focus less on the fantasies. With the body scan, you will be putting awareness in e8fferent parts of your body, so definitely less attention on your mind where the fantasies are coming from.
  4. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks for the suggestion Clovis6, I will need to read up on this and give it a try.

    Last night was a good night. I had a few urges, but was easily able to ignore them and get a good nights sleep. I am still rereading YBOP webpage and it is helping to reenforce why I need to beat this addiction and how much work and dedication it will take to reverse the years of abuse. I just pray I can do this and get back to normal sexual and relationship satisfaction. In the past when I attempted to reboot, my brain would always tell me that my wife will never want intimacy or sex again so I may as well just PMO. I know deep down that the real issue is that I find PMO more desirable than sex and by reading YBOP I understand why and what I need to do to get back to a healthy mind.
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Cali, having gone through my 50's with virtually no real sex, I totally understand what it's like to find PMO more desirable than sex. I literally forgot how the real thing felt. Not sure how long your current drought is, but you are taking the right steps by being here, reading up on YBOP, and realizing that the addiction is keeping you from that fulfilling relationship with your wife you crave. And that she craves.
    Weaning off porn didn't work for me. It's not like a nicotine patch that can reduce dependency. Any continued usage keeps it in your brain as a possibility. It has to be removed from your life entirely. Keep going, you're doing great!
  6. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks Mozenjo for the feedback on your experience and the encouragement. I need to lead a normal life with real intimacy and the only way I see that happening is rebooting my brain. Last night was another good night; I was able to get the urges out of my head quickly. Yesterday, I did notice that I was very irritable, but when it happened I was able to tell myself it was being caused by my reboot and that I needed to chill out.

    I have to keep reminding myself that every clean day is another day my brain has had time to heal; that if I use again I will just be delaying the healing process and it will take that much longer to recover. I know there are difficult times ahead, so I need to keep educating myself on how recovery works to rewire my brain and I need to keep reenforcing my life's vision and its associated values.
  7. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    Keep going, Cali, you are off to a great start.
    If I was single, I would go no P, no M and no sex for a while (6-12 months probably). But for men who are in a relationship, I think it’s best to not have sex too often and to avoid orgasms. It takes a bit of discipline, and a clear communication with you partner, but it’s no big deal once you get used to it. For me, at least, I prefer doing it this way, I think I have more chances to heal this way.
    Take care, Cali.
  8. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi Cali,

    Here’s a link for the body scan for you:

    If this one doesn’t pick with you, then there are plenty of other presentations of it to try.

    Here’s one for a breathing meditation:
  9. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks Clovis6 for the meditation links!

    Last night was tough without much quality sleep and constant fighting the fantasies, but I did not PMO, FMO, or MO. I will definitely try meditation to see if it helps fight the urges and the constant stream of fantasies that my brain keeps producing in its attempt to get the dopamine fix it craves.

    Reading the YBOP website and going through the Recovery Nation Workshop is helping a lot. I need to understand what this addiction has done to my brain, what I am experiencing during my reboot, and above all else I need to take an active approach to my recovery. I cannot just try to abstain as that has never worked in the past.

    I really appreciate all the support and advice I am getting on this forum it is helping immensely!
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yep, same here. I think taking an active approach to recovery is absolutely necessary. If you're anything like me, it will also be practice for taking a more active approach to other aspects of life, instead of just rolling along and letting life's ups and downs dictate our happiness.
  11. Cali

    Cali Member

    Just checking in today, nothing really to say other than I am still working on my recovery and feel blessed to be clean another day.
  12. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Glad the links were useful. As mentioned, there are so many different presentations of mindfulness/meditation, so if one doesn’t appeal, then it’s worth trying a few others rather than thinking that mindfulness.meditation per se doesnt’ work.

    Understanding what this addiction does to your brain is a very important part of the process in my book.
  13. Cali

    Cali Member

    Ugh, I am still fantasying at night. I am not fantasying about porn scenes, but more about just having sex in general. I find myself grinding my junk into the bed, but stopping before O. I then go to sleep only to wake up during the night and repeat, it really is edging. I also know that this is one short stop away from a PMO session. I have no excuses for this behavior as I have been given recovery tools on this forum and YBOP, but I am making a conscious decision not deploy them! I know this is my brain just getting its dopamine fix, which it has received my entire adult life. I promised myself I would be honest in my recovery and that is what I am doing with this post. I need to do better if I am going to change my life.
  14. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    It is definitely one step away from PMO. I used to rationalise it by pretending that it wasn’t ‘real’ PMO. But then I’d find that after a couple of days of such behaviour it would escalate to looking at P...and then a few more days later M...and eventually O. One thing I found during successive previ0us reboot attempts was that the gaps between each stage. Grinding...P...M...O... gradually got wider.
  15. Cali

    Cali Member

    I could not agree more Clovis, but I am pretty sure I will end up going right to PMO based on my previous pattern of behavior.

    The second weekend in my current reboot has arrived and a lot of urges. This morning when I woke up I really wanted to just grab my iPad and do some PMO, but instead I went to the kitchen made a cup of coffee and completed lesson 5 of the Recovery Nation Workshop. I know this is a small victory in a much larger war, but I am still proud of myself for taking constructive action, not just white knuckling it or worse giving in to my brain's calling for its PMO dopamine fix.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    A small victory but a victory nonetheless.

    I remember being given some good advice by a past therapist who said "commit yourself to the view which you should reflect on daily, that addictive behaviors are precisely that - behaviors. This will give you more power and control over addiction. It makes recovery do-able because we know that behaviors can be restricted, controlled and stopped for good".

    How are you finding the RN workshop so far?
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, if you keep up the edging, you will slip. The only way to prevail over this beast is to not give it ANY oxygen. Monk mode is difficult, but nothing else works for me.

    Even the smallest victories are steps in the right direction. Just keep taking those steps.
  18. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    It’s those small victories that count and start to add up over time.
  19. Cali

    Cali Member

    Thanks for this insight forlorn; my porn use has definitley progressed to being an automatic habit. I need to replace it with healthy habits.

    I am only on lesson 10, but so far the material makes a lot of sense to me. The workshop is providing a path to follow and actions to take, which I feel is really going to help me take an active approach in my recovery.
  20. Rebootian

    Rebootian New Member

    5 really good reasons right there. I'm with you! Keep on keeping on Cali!

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