Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I may be flat lining, but I currently have no urges to PMO. I am focusing on being productive, grateful, and a determination to see what my life can become if I stay on this path.
     
    Saville likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

     
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  3. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Wow, I didn't even realize the negativity in that statement. Thanks Saville for pointing out the proper thought pattern!
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  4. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Last night I had very strong urges to PMO and ended up FMO instead. I know FMO is not helping my brain reboot, but I am glad I did not use porn. I am not perfect, but I am making progress.
     
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  5. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I still have urges to PMO, but have not succumb to them. I also have urges to FMO, but strangely FMO often seems like more work than it is worth so I abstain. I am keeping busy and really working on having a positive attitude. Historically I have been a glass half empty kind of person and I am working on changing that; working on being grateful for each day and the blessings in my life.
     
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  6. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I am still PMO free, but struggling with FMO. I fully understand that FMO is most likely going to lead me back to porn so I am going to go NoFap. I feel like FMO is adversely impacting my brain's healing and will eventually sabotage my recovery so I need to make this change.

    I am keeping busy, but need to remind myself to be grateful and go through the day with a positive attitude. Life is short and most if what I let bother me is actually not important. Life is a wonderful gift and I will live to today with love and gratitude in my heart.
     
    Libertad, Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great, inspiring words, Cali. You're doing great!
     
  8. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    50 days! I am still fighting the occasional craving, but have stayed on course and each day is a new blessing.
     
  9. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Due to being sick I have not been able to keep busy the last couple of days, which is my go to for staying on course. Yesterday I had strong urges to use PMO and even resorted to FMO. I did not use porn as I kept reminding myself how the cycle will work. I will get a porn scene in my head, go hunting for it, it will turn into a multi-hour porn binge, and in the end I will not feel satisfied. I will just end up being disappointed in myself and ruin the gains I have made. I know FMO is not helpful, but I did not use porn.
     
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  10. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Glad you can still come here when you are sick. I appreciate your transparency and truth about the PMO cycle.
     
  11. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks @realness, the cycle is always the same for me. I want to finally break this cycle, heal my brain, and enjoy the simple daily blessings in my life.
     
  12. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Urges are very very strong. I need to stay porn free and feel real intimacy again.
     
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  13. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    56 days is some achievement - you should be proud. You absolutely need to stay porn free. Real intimacy will happen. There's no rush, heal yourself first.
     
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  14. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    As I look back on the last 60 days it has not been perfect as I have used FMO occasionally; however, I have not looked at any porn and for that I am grateful. I know my brain is screaming for its porn fix as currently I seem to have a lot of fatigue and feel kind of melancholy. I keep reminding myself that this is just flatlining and part of the process of recovery and a life without porn is worth this temporary discomfort.

    I am grateful for all the blessing in my life. I will not stumble in my quest to see how my life can improve without the anchor of porn.
     
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  15. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Great job with the over 2 months porn free. That's some good momentum you have going!
     
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You're doing great work, Cali. "A life without porn is worth this temporary discomfort". Those are words to live by. Keep going, man.
     
    Saville likes this.
  17. True Change

    True Change Active Member

    You're on the right path.

    1. Being porn-free is the important thing - FMOing now and again is not the end of the world.
    2. Those screams will quieten down - trust me. Starve them of attention and they'll die.
    3. The more grateful we are for what we have, the less we will search 'out there' for things we don't have in our life.

    If you've done 60 you can do 90.
     
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  18. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Due to many FMO sessions I feel that my current reboot is a failure. Due to this failure I have changed my signature to reflect both the last time I viewed porn and how long I have gone NoFAP. I have managed 66 days porn free, but the FMO sessions are not allowing me to properly move on from this addiction. I am basically just fooling myself and continuing to exercise the same porn dopamine pathways without the porn.
     
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  19. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Great honesty, it probably was painfull to admit the facts. Well done. All the best for your journey.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2022
    Mozenjo likes this.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I agree with Libertad. Great idea on the info in your signature, Cali.
    MO has been the subject of lots of conversations on this forum. Some guys are strict NoFap adherents; others are OK with it if it's fantasy free or pixel free. Not sure how many among us can MO without thinking of or looking at someone, though. I've tried, and it ain't easy.
     
    Saville likes this.

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