I have been trolling this forum for a while and now it is time for me to join this community. I know without support and accountability I will never beat this beast and never again experience a normal life free from PMO. My story is not unusual, but it is important for me to share it so I begin this journey honestly. I am about to turn 60 and have been using PMO since I was approximately 18 years old. It started believe it or not going to a drive in theater that was dedicated to XXX movies. I then discovered adult book stores and those video booths (yes disgusting) and DVDs. Then the internet hit the scene and I could watch all the porn I wanted. Over the years the content has become more and more extreme. During all this time from the outside looking in I have appeared normal and functional, able to date, hold a job, get married, have kids, etc., but it has been anything but normal. I would always look for ways to be alone so I could feed my addiction. Over the years my porn use has only gotten worse, sex life with my wife has dwindled until it has become non-existent for about the last 4 years or so. I do not even understand why my wife still seems to love me and has not left me. The last few times we had sex (it was not making love) I tried to be kinky like what I was viewing on the porn sites, thinking that is what women want. Other times I would not be able to have an erection. Those experiences I believe hurt my wife emotionally and she has been dealing with it by showing no interest in sex. I have easily dealt with no sex because I would much rather just PMO anyway; how messed up is that! We do not even sleep in the same bedroom anymore and we both act like it is no big deal; that we do this so both of us can get a good night sleep. If my wife knows of my porn addiction, she acts like it does not exist. How can she not know?? I am so broken and I just want to experience a normal life. I do not want to lose the woman I have built a life with; I want to make amends, feel true love, have normal human feelings, have normal intimate sex. I do not want to die someday regretting that I spent my entire life living in a PMO fantasy. I do not want my wife to continue to be married to a hollow human being that does not connect with her on a normal loving, emotional, and intimate level; she deserves better than what I am offering. I need to be part of this community; I need to attempt to rewire my brain. I know this will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! I pray that I can beat this addiction; I pray that I will not live the rest of my life with a cold soul that feels empty inside. I hope rewiring is possible for someone who has used for 40 years and does not even remember what it is like to live without PMO. This is day one of my journey; I pray that I can succeed.