Cali's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Cali, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I have been trolling this forum for a while and now it is time for me to join this community. I know without support and accountability I will never beat this beast and never again experience a normal life free from PMO.

    My story is not unusual, but it is important for me to share it so I begin this journey honestly. I am about to turn 60 and have been using PMO since I was approximately 18 years old. It started believe it or not going to a drive in theater that was dedicated to XXX movies. I then discovered adult book stores and DVDs. Then the internet hit the scene and I could watch all the porn I wanted.

    During all this time from the outside looking in I have appeared normal and functional, able to date, hold a job, get married, have kids, etc., but it has been anything but normal. Over the years my porn use has only gotten worse, sex life with my wife has dwindled until it has become non-existent for about the last 4 years or so. I do not even understand why my wife still seems to love me and has not left me. The last few times we had sex (it was not making love) I tried to be kinky like what I was viewing on the porn sites, thinking that is what women want. Other times I would not be able to have an erection. Those experiences I believe hurt my wife emotionally and she has been dealing with it by showing no interest in sex. I have easily dealt with no sex because I would much rather just PMO anyway; how messed up is that! We do not even sleep in the same bedroom anymore and we both act like it is no big deal; that we do this so both of us can get a good night sleep. If my wife knows of my porn addiction, she acts like it does not exist. How can she not know??

    I am so broken and I just want to experience a normal life. I do not want to lose the woman I have built a life with; I want to make amends, feel true love, have normal human feelings, have normal intimate sex. I do not want to die someday regretting that I spent my entire life living in a PMO fantasy. I do not want my wife to continue to be married to a hollow human being that does not connect with her on a normal loving, emotional, and intimate level; she deserves better than what I am offering.

    I need to be part of this community; I need to attempt to rewire my brain. I know this will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! I pray that I can beat this addiction; I pray that I will not live the rest of my life with a cold soul that feels empty inside. I hope rewiring is possible for someone who has used for 40 years and does not even remember what it is like to live without PMO.

    This is day one of my journey; I pray that I can succeed.
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2022
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welcome board Cali ! You can do it ! I did it ! Iam 3 years free of pmo and masturbation. I was .married I a sexless situation for 25 of the 30 years. I lived on pmo and fantasy and as I said I did it. This is not bragging rather to show you it can be done. We are close to the same age very close. Read, read and read on the forum many of your questions will be answered. Again welcome
    Rebootian likes this.
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hi Cali, Welcome to the forum!
    This is a nasty addiction, and there is no need to go it alone in your recovery. Keep posting, keep sharing your story, and know that you'll receive plenty of support here:)
  4. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    @Mad Dog - Thank you for the welcome, your message has given me hope that I can reverse what this addiction has done to my life. It is very comforting to know that someone with 3 years of no PMO or M is active on this forum and willing to help someone who is not even 24 hours clean.

    @NCBob - I will try to post everyday and be honest and accountable, your welcome means a lot! I will follow your advice and keep posting and sharing my story as I know I cannot beat this alone, god knows I have tried for years.

    I need to get through tonight, that is all that matters, just tonight.
    TheNightfly, Mozenjo and NCBob like this.
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That is exactly right, Cali! Work on each day as it comes. You'll find the ebbs and flows at the beginning can be tough, but just know that posting here with your journey will help a lot. Welcome!
  6. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I was able to get through last night with no PMO or MO. I did not sleep very well, but I understand that this is not uncommon. If I am going to have any chance at doing this I need to learn to release the porn fantasy's that enter my head during the day, which inevitably leads to my using at night. I understand that I need to stay away from my triggers, like watching YouTube videos. I also know that some triggers I do not have any control over, like seeing a beautiful woman. I need to learn to mange these triggers, let them go, not feed them.
    NCBob likes this.
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Do you have a plan to do
    Way to go, Cali!
    Keep those triggers to a minimum, and don't set yourself up to be triggered. When you do get triggered, have a plan to express that energy in a way that doesn't come back to bite you. Come to the forum early and often:)
  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Good luck Cali! And welcome on the forum. You will find good information here about the rebooting process and about addiction. And, of course, support from other members.

    If you haven’t done it already, I suggest that you read the book Your Brain on Porn, by Gary Wilson. You will find in this book almost everything you need to know about porn addiction and related problems. You can find it on internet for around 5$.

    Take care!
  9. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks Bilbo Baggins for the welcome and book recommendation. I have watched the YouTube video and read a lot of YBP content on the internet. Truthfully, I have not purchased the book due to fear my wife will see the charge or the find out some other way that I have purchased it.

    I was able to get through another day yesterday and sleep better, but did have porn fantasy thoughts. The good news is that I did not act on them and stayed clean for another day. I forced myself to not entertain them for long and that seems to be working. The weekend scares me due to free time and having the tendency to be a binge user. I was the same way with alcohol before getting dry many years ago. The sad thing is that deep down I know that I have replaced alcohol with porn as my coping mechanism, my way to escape the stress of real life. I need to learn some other coping tools; I already exercise, maybe I need to try meditation. I better learn to deploy some other coping tools if I am going to beat this addiction.

    The weekend is not here yet, so I will focus on today.
  10. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I want to thank you guys for replying to my Journal, it really helps. I hope to be able to support others in the future and reply to their journals, but right now I really do not feel like I have anything worth offering. So please understand that I am not active on other journals because right now I feel that I need to listen to your advice and learn, not be giving advice.
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Read--- read----- read as many journals as yout can
    NCBob likes this.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    good advice:)
  13. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Welcome Cali.

    Thanks for sharing your story. I could feel the pain within the writing of your initial post. Chanel it towards building a better life for yourself.
  14. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks for the welcome forlorn! I was reading Clovis's Journal this morning and you guys were discussing the Recovery Nation Workshop, which I decided to check out and it looks like it could be very very helpful. I read about their concept of Health Based Recovery and it made a lot of sense to me so I am going to begin the workshop. I am hoping that the workshop will not only educate me and help me along my path to recovery, but will also be another source I can turn to when I have the urges to act out on my addiction (i.e. read a RNW lesson or this forum until the urge passes).

    I also read Underdog's post when I first found this forum and it actually motivated me to join this community.

    I cannot thank you guys enough for sharing your recovery.
  15. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Last night I really wanted to FMO, but I was able to grit my way through it. I know that I need to continue to learn better mechanisms to cope with these urges and the normal daily stress of my life, just using pure discipline and grit is not sustainable (I have tried this thousands of times). I have used either FMO or PMO for almost my entire life, I have to learn a new way, I do not want to be this person anymore!
    positivef likes this.
  16. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I need to remind myself why I want to eliminate porn from my life -

    1.) I want to feel a true emotional and loving connection with my wife
    2.) I want to quit wasting my precious time using porn
    3.) I want to quit living in this porn fantasy
    3.) I want to experience life without the crutch of porn and experience life in a new and positive way
    4.) I want to be an emotionally stable man, not someone that runs too porn to escape life’s challenges.
    5.) I do not want to have this porn secret in my life anymore, it is exhausting
    Rebootian likes this.
  17. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum Cali.

    I have certainly found that joining this forum has made the difference in my current reboot.
  18. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Thanks for the welcome Clovis6! Last night was very difficult as it was Friday and non-work nights are always an allure to use and forget about the stress of life. I understand that I need to learn other life coping mechanisms, but until I make that transition this is going to be very challenging. I hardly slept at all and even though I did not PMO I could not help myself from fantasying and occasionally touching myself, which I know is one short step away from a PMO binge session. I should not entertain the fantasies that my brain is producing, but it is proving to be very difficult to let them go, especially at night when I am trying to sleep and have no distractions.
  19. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I want to leave PMO behind and walk a new path. I want to build a loving, intimate, and deeply caring bond with my wife. I want to spend each day working on building this relationship with my wife, not fearful that there may be something better out there I am missing. I have a wonderful woman and I am grateful that she still loves me; that she still wants to spend her life with me. I need to focus on making sure I am being a man she can trust to be there for her physically, emotionally, and lovingly. That I am doing everything I can to build a life with her together as soul mates. Over many years of marriage I have seen glimpses of this life and I know it is a good life, a life thousand times better than where PMO has led me. I can do this, I must do this.
  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Keep going! It gets easier with time. And it’s really worth it.

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