Cadcard's recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by cadcard, Aug 21, 2012.

  1. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    day 1

    I feel awful, mentally and physically. I'm fucking drained.

    Full recovery mode. No porn, no looking at women until 10/1, I'm in full recovery mode.

    I miss Mark terribly. I'm fucking pissed, falling off a roof! He was my best friend. I just had to say that somewhere, to anyone. I've never been able to say that since he's been gone. I weep for his death. I hope someday I'll be able to meet with him again, but I can't hope to go to a place where he is today.

    Tomorrow is day 2. I'm ready to stand strong. I've beat the dopamine of alcohol and smoking. I'm ready for this.
     
  2. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    day 2.
    Sleep like shit, Faiths away in washington. i'm tired as all hell. libido is zero, thats good. morning wood was good.

    I have to be ready for when the libido comes back. i've made a decision for not PMO until Oct. 2 when we go away. After that, definetly no P, and hopefully no MO but I think that won't be possible. If I feel the need, I will limit it to one time/ week. No visual 2 dimensional aids of any type can be used. Only fantasy of 3 dimensional live women an be used.

    Porn or any other visuals can have no place in my life any more. I have to stick to this.
     
  3. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    Welcome!!

    Stay strong. find something positive to focus on. Take cold showers and go outside for a walk!

    Good luck brother!
     
  4. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    Today was easy because libido was low. I'm tired from not sleeping.

    I had the urge for PMO at 7:00pm but read some recovery stuff from IAAM. It got my head back into the game.
     
  5. I-AM-A-MAN

    I-AM-A-MAN I Vow to Never Take Another Peek

    Who is Faiths? GF? If she is your partner, focus on giving her back rubs, foot massages, and re-connect with her in an intimate way. If domne correct, you will not need to MO. I can see above you are already building in excuses to start MO again. Stop thinking about the long term future like what you will be doing on October. Focus on TODAY and being clean from PMO on day at a time.

    Also, set your self a list of goals and benefits you want to achieve. this will help keep you on track during moments of weakness.

    Good luck brother!!
     
  6. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Welcome and good luck dude!
     
  7. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    Who is Faiths? GF? If she is your partner, focus on giving her back rubs, foot massages, and re-connect with her in an intimate way. If domne correct, you will not need to MO. I can see above you are already building in excuses to start MO again. Stop thinking about the long term future like what you will be doing on October. Focus on TODAY and being clean from PMO on day at a time.

    Also, set your self a list of goals and benefits you want to achieve. this will help keep you on track during moments of weakness.

    Good luck brother!!
    [/quote]

    Faith is my wife.

    Good advice IAAM. The incideous nature of this disease creeps back in very quickly. Relapse into the PMO starts days before the actual event.

    I slept better last night, but still tired. Today just put one foot in front of the other and don't look at the women in work, they probably perceive me as being such a perve.
     
  8. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    day 3.

    Slept somewhat better but still tired. lifting this morning will be tough.

    Libido is very low, no real interest in looking at porn.

    Faith is home.

    Do the same thing as yesterday, keep focused on not getting worked up and getting the dopamine flowing.
     
  9. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    day 4.

    slept like shit last night. I don't know why my sleep is so poor lately. It's not from stopping pmo. I'm thinking the ON protein powder is the problem.

    Libido is a little better today. we went to lititz. I was checking out women and I actually got a chubby one time. This is a positive sign my wood may come back to normal someday.
     
  10. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    day 5

    sleep was not good. No morning wood. Pulse 65-70. Shoulder/tri wo this morning.

    1/2 5 hr. energy, 10g bcaa, 2.5g cee, 5g aakg, coq10 prewo.

    googling aspartame. It looks like it can cause insomnia. I have to take a break from the protein powder to see if my sleep improves. The bag only says artificial sweetners, not the type though. The allmax powder has artificial sweetners but I didn't have near the current trouble with that.
     
  11. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    I made it through day 6, but today, day 7 I failed. I was on the internet and thought I would challenge my antiporn filter. I did searches for bikini stuff, and sure enough this led med to MO. Deep down I knew I wanted to O and justed twisted my thinking to accomplish the goal.

    I feel like shit now mentally. I was starting to feel some confidence, but this is gone. I have to just put it behind me and move on.

    This is how I always fail, but at least it wasn't to porn. Thinking about it, the relapse actually started yesterday with some fantasy thoughts about actual women.
     
  12. zman

    zman New Member

    Just remember that relapse is all a part of recovery. My guess is that if we didn't sucomb to the urge now and then we really didn't have as much of an addiction problem as we thought.

    I know that it sound like a clique, but learn from the experience and move on. If a slip re-energizes you, than it is well worth it and makes you stronger in the long run, especially if you begin to understand why it happened in the first place (as it sounds like you do).

    Good luck and stay strong!
     
  13. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    How're you holding up cadcard?
     

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