....but the fighter still remains.....

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Boxer17, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I was sure it was spam. I was worried about the storm in my house that would erupt when my wife said so you don't look at porn........... right!?
     
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    This has been an interesting couple of weeks since the spam email that, had my wife seen it, would have caused a really big storm in our house.
    It was a very real wakeup call for me.
    I haven't pmo'd in months but I would a couple times a week look at P.
    I have used the possibility of being confronted as an incentive to staying away from that stuff.
    So far so good :cool:
     
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  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Years ago I was a smoker.
    Smoking was like a friend.
    When I was bored it sat quietly along side me.
    When distressed it was a comfort. When I finished a task it sat and shared my satisfaction of a job well done.
    Though it presented as a friend I knew while one hand was around my shoulder the other was sliding a knife between my ribs.
    I knew it was not healthy but it was so pleasurable I continued with it.
    Then I had a health scare and knew it was time to cease thinking about quitting and act.
    In order to quit I had to somehow make lighting that next cigarette more painful than pleasurable.
    I talked with my best friend and told him that I was stopping smoking. I told him I had $500 in savings and encouraged him to ask me regularly if I had smoked. I said I would not lie to him and if I had smoked I would give him the $500.
    I had to make that next one hurt!!

    That is the approach I am trying to use with P. I want the next session I may have in front of that screen to be potentially more painful than pleasurable!!
    That scam email I got was such a shock and the shame of possible discovery by my wife so strong.
    If asked by my wife or someone I care about if I look at Porn I strongly desire with a clear conscience to be able to say no.
     
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  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    This is just a venting. A mental dumping.
    A message in a bottle to let off some pressure.

    --Very depressed today 65 years old with a dead end job. Work 6 1/2 days a week. little to no retirement. Will be working till I can't anymore. I reach full social security retirement age at 66. Trying to decide whether to take SS early ,though I will get less, plus keep working to try to pay off house while still able to work.

    --I am staying away from Porn.

    --A side thought:. One huge thing about porn is it is very sad. My preference was usually stripper videos and to watch the performer looking off camera for cues on what to do next seemed like such a bleak existence.
    And then thinking of, usually, men sitting in a pathetic state with our dicks in our hands....such a horrible condition! Not throwing stones. Just thinking. I have spent years doing just that.

    --No P for almost a month. No M for much longer and no O for a month. Even then my wife had to give me a hand job cause I couldn't get it up.

    ---About 7 or 8 months ago I developed Peyronie's condition (bent dick) and an erection hurts. My urologist said most likely from attempting intercourse with only a partial erection.
    He said a young man's erection is rock hard and therefore almost impervious to damage while an older man has a more difficult time achieving that level of firmness.
    He said when partially erect the penis is particularly vulnerable to damage because it is not hard enough to resist bending which damages the tissues.


    ---recently ( in the last year or so)I would look at Porn to get myself revved up enough to engage with my wife. She can be a sweet woman but has little idea about pleasing a man. Though I have told her what works for me.
    She lets me do what I want with her but is very passive and I usually don't have enough internal sex drive to get things going on my own.

    ---I have been using hard Rock music as a substitute for porn; using it to give me a serotonin hit. It helps me stay away from Porn (snort!!). It's like taking methadone to get off heroin :-[
    In my opinion Hard Rock is corrosive.

    ---So Now I stay away from porn....get into bed......kiss my wife goodnight and go to sleep. Get up the next day and do it all over again.

    I am just journaling and as I said venting. I feel a little better now.
    Sorry for being so negative. I am thankful for this forum where I can pour out my heart. I don't have a therapist so this serves as a session.
    All the best to you guys
    Boxer
     
  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Very thoughful. Take the early ss as who says you're going to live to 66. Don't trust the govt. You worked your whole life. You deserve it it's what is provided for you. You are gonna lose 20% that's not much when all is added up. Sorry I never heard of Peyronies condition. My sincerest regards, keep posting we all need to help each other.
     
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  6. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Hi Boxer, Porn is a very sad for both the performer and the viewer, for both at first it's seem's like fun but in time the true nature or should I say unnature of porn shows it's real self, just think to those times when we have been having a session and seen our reflection in the monitor how pathetic do we look:(,but past is past let's move on:).

    As with your pension I say wait till your 66 to get the full amount it's only at your next birthday so not long to go plus your going to live for a long time after you get your pension so you want the maximum you can get. Also when you get your pension will you be able to go part time is that an option?

    Thanks for putting your feelings out there not only does it help you but it helps others,reading what you put about how sad porn is and Peyronie's condition has renewed my will not to masturbate.
     
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  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    That is so true dig deep.
    And, as you wrote.... I too have seen my reflection in the screen; a slack jawed consumer of trash. Porn is nothing more than a contrivance which ensnares all those involved.

    I am truly grateful for this site. Where one can honestly work through these issues.
     
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  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Have you ever used a pill to help with your erection? I'm 60 and have never used a blue pill yet, but I'm not averse to going that route as I age further.

    Getting older can bring on a certain sadness, sometimes, because we are closer to the end. But, it also can be freeing on many other levels. I'm discovering much beauty as I embrace a new decade of my life.

    Most women ARE passive in the sack, the one's who aren't are generally cray. I used to desire to make love, but now my mindset is I am an ape fucking my she-ape. This state of mind puts me in charge.

    I think you're doing great!
     
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  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Thank you guys

    I also am not averse to a pill.
    I can physically get and erection. I wake up with them in the night but they mildly hurt.
    As an aside I don't think it came from jerking off. This has only happened in the last several months. And I've jerked for decades. That is unless the chickens have somehow finally come home to roost. o_O:eek:

    I have tried thinking of sex as just serving my needs as you say but it hasn't been enough to get me aroused.
    Basically for the last year or so I used porn to get me horny and then use that momentum to engage with my wife.
    She is a very good woman. Much better than I am a man IMO and does not pressure.
    I have been very depressed about life for some time now and I know that has an impact on ones libido.
    When bummed you want release but don't want to interact with someone else.
    P is a cheap easy tawdry way to that end

    And unacceptable

    Warm thoughts to all
    Boxer
     
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  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    On a lighter note ::p

    I noticed my data usage has dropped by around 75% since stopping P on my phone!!:p:D:rolleyes:
     
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  11. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    It's amazing how little we use the internet when we stop using porn and amazing how much we get done around the house.
     
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  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Got winged by a trigger last night but escaped barely. I was watching America's funniest videos with my granddaughter. (who'd a thunk it!!):confused:

    A pretty girl and a downblouse (my weakness) on one of the videos.
    It was a gut punch.

    I had to leave for work so I made a quick exit and was finally able to quell the urge to slip. Although the hint of the fever is still lingering today.

    It's amazing where an ambush can be lurking!

    Trust everyone will have a good weekend
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2018
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it seems our addicted Brains never Sleep in Looking out for a trigger. Good work in getting through it without a relapse.
     
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  14. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Had sex with my wife last night.

    I couldn't finish PIV so she gave me an hand job. Even then I couldn't finish with just her. I had to remember some gal I saw at the store a while back. Then I finished. o_O

    So basically I MO'd using someone else's hand! Not good. :confused:
    But not finishing would have made her feel like a failure.
    I didn't say anything about it and we cuddled for a while afterward.

    Because of this type of failing on my part I only bring up my needs very infrequently.
    I give hand and foot massages and cuddle sometimes but usually stay platonic in our bedtime activity.

    The whole point of getting free from PMO is to reconnect with the women in our lives and not dredge up stimulation from outside sources.

    I don't see things changing going forward and it scares me
     
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2018
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    It takes a long time to reconnect with the women in our lives. It will go foward just don't give up. Scary I know but your doing great... .YOUR TRYING !
     
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  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Here is an analysis of the chaser effect in my life. Does this resonate with anyone else?

    I am taking great care to avoid P and all triggers. I'll skip an advertisement if it has any arousal possibility etc.
    In slamming the door to unwanted sexual stimulation I starve that illicit area of my life. The "fever" begins to fade.

    Then when I engage sexually with my wife that door to stimulation becomes reopened. My desire may be temporarily quenched but that door now has to be reclosed as I go out into the world the next day. That door doesn't want to close readily and the chaser effect kicks in whispering how great it would be to experience that euphoria again, right away until I can once again starve and hush that whisper.

    This is a broad brush theory and there are probably holes in my reasoning but does any of it ring at least somewhat true to anyone?

    Many of us acknowledge the dreaded chaser effect and I was pondering over what it could be and this seems plausible.
     
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  17. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    My problem is doing things the way I did was not reconnecting. Just jerking off to some other woman in a different way :confused:
    And my fear is that that is how it will be going forward. :eek:
    She is a good woman but unless something changes I don't see myself climaxing to her alone.
    It is a dilemma. If I don't engage with her she will be hurt as would any life partner. But to have her give me hand jobs while I think of someone else....well,i just don't know
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
  18. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Maybe I don't know what rebooting means. I thought of it as removing outside stimuli so that your wife became your sole sexual passion.
    What if that doesn't happen no matter how clean one stays
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
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  19. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    Boxer,
    I’m in exactly the same situation you describe in this post and your previous few posts. The description you wrote about sex with your wife is what I have been living. I started my reboot one year ago today and I thought I would have made more progress. Although I’m a avoiding porn and triggers there are times I find myself tempted to look just to see if I can feel any kind of libido. I am feeling just like you are, what if it doesn’t happen no matter how clean I stay. We have to push out those negative thoughts. We need to be positive. We have to keep moving forward.
     
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  20. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I just noticed it's been over a month since looking at porn; since seeing that email.
    I actually went most of that month with no real temptation problems.

    Then last weekend had sex with my wife. That opened the whole sexual door I was keeping locked and barred

    After our encounter I was really experiencing sexual tension in my core. VERY aware of women in public. Finally MO'd (no P) to get the monkey off my back.

    It seems like Masturbation without Porn is just a matter of semantics.
    Oh well....

    Onward through the fog!!
     
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