....but the fighter still remains.....

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Boxer17, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey there all its been a while since I last posted on my thread.
    It's been a rough few weeks since the new year

    I had been doing really well as far as pmo and seemed to be cruising.
    As I've posted before P is a distant second for me when it comes to a stimulation source. I would MUCH rather see a great view of a woman in person. I have sometimes gotten such a rush from seeing a down blouse I feel like I may swoon. But it's hard to M right out in public. So you go find P to do the deed. :confused:
    I said all that to say at a new years Eve party a woman wore a dress that did just that. I could barely catch my breath. I tried to be cool but I couldn't tear my eyes away and my "cruising ship" hit a reef!
    And.........I have been on and off those rocks for a while now o_O and am a little adrift.

    Like madman says. "mad at the world,this is hard to do"

    I'll get up off the mat but this blow has really jolted me.
    Warm thoughts to all
  2. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi Boxer - it's good to hear from you! Sounds like we've had similar starts to 2018 :confused: I also had a bumpy start with a P relapse.

    It always feels so impossible to start again, but coming back here was the key for me - one step at a time and the rocks that interupted your cruise will slowly disappear over the horizon. (Hehe - give me a metaphor and I'll run with it!)

    All the best - and keep going!
    40New30 and Boxer17 like this.
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement Lowdo

    The problem is I see this woman on a regular basis. And every time I see her it shakes me up. Sometimes I have to turn and walk away. :confused::eek:o_O

    Oh well. Onward!!
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's a woman at my gym that I have long ogled. After about three years I met her the other. She was kind of stand-offish and definitely not at all interesting. She's a pretty face with a nice bod. I'm totally over even looking at her now, because she's just a regular person who is probably a bit vacuous. Grass always looks greener until you're up close and personal. In a very real sense it's just part of the addiction. The addict wants us to stay stuck there.
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2018
    JohnQ, 40New30 and Boxer17 like this.
  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know this thought is not original with me, but I am posting this as I was musing today.
    I don't think porn viewing is as much a sexual activity as it is a symptom of my inability or unwillingness to deal with life.
    When life seems meaningful I find porn has little attraction.
    But when faced with unhappiness in life or a seemingly intractable
    problem ,or boredom, it rears it's ugly head.

    It is a HARMFULLY BLISSFUL NARCOTIC! No different than heroin or alcohol. One slips into a comfortable numbness for a time. But we must emerge at some point and once again face life and what it brings; only now things are made temporarily worse because the waters of our minds are muddied and with it the self loathing at our seeming lack of self control.
    Libertad and Saville like this.
  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Was on a bit of a roll. Staying away from P.
    Doing some house repairs. Showing the lady of the house how to correctly use the repaired faucet. Anticipated and got a downblouse shot, and now"the fever" is dogging my heels.
    I even put a rubber band on my wrist to snap for aversion therapy on the way to her house. Repeating "keep my eyes to myself" but my destructive thought process was already in gear :confused:

    The chemical dump into my system, anticipating and seeing a "forbidden" view is absolutely intoxicating. I literally get the shakes and my teeth may chatter. Much stronger response than with P.

    So I get in real trouble because i will just be going about my business and suddenly the wrong gal wearing the wrong thing or being careless in her actions is pumping gas next to me and I am slammed.
    When given the opportunity I rarely if ever will not pursue looking.

    Now after leaving that woman's house my wrist hurts from snapping and I am angry with myself, because this "fever" usually leads to P

    Oh well. Keep quitting till you quit. o_O
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2018
    JohnQ likes this.
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    This song came to mind regarding this struggle. We do help share one another's burdens but ultimately we live this life by ourselves.

    Character is how I act when no one sees me

    JohnQ and Libertad like this.
  8. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Been a couple of months since MO.
    A couple of weeks since last looked at P.
    Have appointment with urologist. Having some prostate problems
  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know this could be considered a syrupy phrase but there is a lot of truth about it

    For everyone you meet
    Is fighting a battle
    You know nothing about
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So true! Thanks for sharing, bro'.
  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    This is hard to admit. Even to myself.

    After all these years I have come face to face with the fact that passive aggression has played a great role in my life.

    I previously never gave the term much thought because the word aggressive didn't seem to fit me. Aggression seemed to be the opposite of what I was.
    Then recently I delved into what Passive Aggression Personality really is.
    The recognition of what has been my default reaction to difficult situations throughout my life nearly brought tears to my eyes.

    Are you familiar with the real definition of passive aggressive personality? I found this pretty good description:
    "Passive-aggressiveness, as the word indicates, is a tendency to engage in an indirect expression of hostility .........."

    I find myself engaging in this type of activity often with my wife.
    I may play dumb or unaware of a request from her. My situation is far too nuanced to write in a paragraph or so.

    I just read the book" No More Mr. Nice Guy"? A nice guy may appear calm and giving but a lot of anger and turmoil lies beneath the surface

    I wonder if some of my porn struggles come from resentment towards my wife.
    A way to disrespect her indirectly. She may Not realize it but I perceive her to be the dominant one in our marriage. I have muttered to myself at times that I should have been the woman and she the man.
    There have been times when she has told me how to do a job I have said" you are Not my mother" at which she will back down.

    We just have a hard time getting on the same page with many important things in our lives. From money to what color to paint a room. We get along fine if just going out to eat or doing something relaxing. But if it's something of substance we often are at odds with how to deal with a situation.
    When at odds I will often give in and feel resentful. Yet Ironically, if she gives in, then I feel guilty wondering if I am being overbearing and go her way...and feel resentful about that. In fairness we don't disagree on everything.

    I know I have always liked looking at sexy women so I don't excuse porn but I sometimes wonder if it's exacerbated by this " indirect expression of hostility". My way of "getting back" in some twisted way.

    I find I am the most fond of her when she is feeling sickly, weak and needy.

    My problem is that I have been passive aggressive for so long it seems normal and I'm not sure I have the will or energy to change though I see it's negative impacts

    I am not only passive aggressive with her but it is my default approach in all my difficult interaction with people.

    Sorry for rambling.
    I don't know where I am going in this note but am just blurting it out. I'm not saying I am right. And I know I am a flawed man.
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    We are all flawed. I am no better than you. The thing is you think and you are not afraid to look at raw self. I commend you bro.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  13. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Was having some pain in the Perineal area. Had some prostatitis. Took antibiotics (nasty,made me feel terrible).
    Got results from urologist. Prostate looks good structurally.
    Prostate region feeling much better
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Hey Boxer -- I'm not here to give advice, rather to be here to support you. We're close in age and when I was reading your first post, it could have been ME! Except the climbing the rope part. Never even made it off the ground and was shamed repeatedly for that by my school...people. Hated PE ever since.

    At any rate, I am walking with you!
    Boxer17 likes this.
  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    This is definitely a struggle.
    We deal with everyday stresses and at the same time we are bombarded with visual stimuli on every hand.
    It used to be that we had to make much more of an effort to PMO. Go to a store for a magazine or rent a video. Often by the time you were able to do that the temptation would die down and you had survived another onslaught.

    With smartphone technology that buffer, of effort and time lag, is effectively removed. Meaning you face the double whammy of the temptation and immediate availability to the harmful medium.
    Cellular technology is amazing and useful but it is DEFINITELY a double edged sword
    Saville likes this.
  16. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Cellular tech is, certainly a problem but then so is almost everything we touch these days. When we refuse to validate these things with pmo we grow stronger quicker so in a strange fashion cellular tech works for us. Have to accept it's not going away.
    Boxer17, Saville and dig deep like this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Being able to access in P in our homes isolates us even further. There are men out there now who only have online lives. Even paying our bills online has robbed us of certain experiences. Instead of engaging with people we engage with pixels, our experiences, day after day, feeling the same. No wonder so many people are depressed.

    But, we're changing all that! :)
    Boxer17 and Libertad like this.
  18. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I had quite the wakeup call the other night.
    I have gone weeks now without PMO but I had gotten lax. A couple times a week I have spent time looking at P. It's funny how we rationalize our actions. After all, I wasn't doing more than just looking. Right?

    My wife and I are remodeling our restroom. I had gone out to the shop to cut some trim. While out there I checked my email and was hit by what felt like a blow to the chest and head!!

    In my inbox was a blackmail letter. This person claimed to have video capture of a split screen of me watching streaming P. They said if I didn't pay money the files would be sent to all my contacts.
    By the way it was written I was very sure it was a fishing expedition. However, the email address used was linked to my wife's phone as well.
    I was sure I could assure her this was spam. Probably sent out by the thousands the question would most certainly be asked" so do you watch P"?
    I wouldn't lie to her and so the fur would really hit the fan! The hurt anger and disappointment would be a really bad thing and I would have no defense.
    I was shaking so bad as I deleted it from my phone i had to stand out in the shop a while just to get under control.
    The next thing was to get my wife's phone and remove it from hers as well. I got it off her phone and set it down just as she reentered the room. But I had not time to empty her email trash bin. I couldn't get to her phone till the next day. And I was sick till I finally removed that cursed email. Though I was sure the mail was spam for the next week I would jump each time I heard an email notification.

    I am back on the straight and narrow. Feeling chastened and thankful i dodged a devastating storm between my wife and I. That nightmarish feeling of having the cover ripped off my "less harmful" actions of "JUST LOOKING" ; has been a real wakeup call.
    I must guard my weak areas!
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That is totally a spam email. Lots of that shit floating around. They are preying on people's guilty consciences. Basically they are evil fuckers!
  20. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Yeah definitely spam these fraudsters prey on the shame,guilt and embarrassment porn brings. They send them out totally randomly knowing that so many people watch porn. Glad your wife didn't see it.
    I can remember watching porn and clicking on a video and suddenly a police warning message would appear saying that I've been watching illegal videos (even though I hadn't and never have) and had to pay money to unlock my computer. Crazy thing is I'd switch my computer of then back on and carry on,maybe it gave me and extra buzz but I'm glad all that's behind me:)

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