The thing is I've always been this way. Even as a teen I had a young man's passion but used all my makeout sessions to fuel MO sessions. You have spoken in the past about about coming on strong with the wife in a gentle demanding way. My personality doesn't seem to work that way. I am not assertive. I am quite opinionated but tend to be passive aggressive. There have been times when I have rubbed her shoulders and gotten fresh. It warms her up, but then I start thinking"oh crap" this is going to end up in bed and I won't be able to perform because she doesn't turn me on and then she'll feel undesirable. I then sometimes will say let's just cuddle. And we do, but she knows I have drives and why am I not expending that drive on her which becomes akward.
As I said earlier I don't know which is stronger or what balance there is between nature and nurture. My dad was a fun loving, energetic yet controlling "know it all" type of guy. He used to say, he just wanted to show people the right way to do things! My mom is an overly sensitive person who tried pushing back early in their marriage and felt crushed by him. She rarely fought back after some time. She would redirect her frustration by going on long walks and rearranging the furniture. She eventually left him. He loved her and was heartbroken. I see aspects of both parents in me. Very opinionated and stubborn but insecure and overly sensitive. Very passive/aggressive. I am aware of these traits and try to push against the negative aspects of them. However, since they are a part of me, my response to situations seem to make sense. I imagine a truly knowledgeable therapist could make something of that but I don't see any correlations. Plus it seems like therapist are as screwed up as everyone else
To me, sex isn't primarily about physical attraction, but perhaps that's kinda easy to say when you are actually physically attracted to your GF. I don't think I can give you any good advice here, but for what it's worth: it would make me very sad if I would find my partner sexually unactractive and she would be aware of that. That must be hard on the both of you.
I lived in a Very small community. She was a cute girl and there was a very small pool from which to choose. From the start of our relationship I saw signs of trouble. She was insecure yet pushy. I was insecure yet stubborn. . A recipe for disaster. After we had been going together for some months she spoke of going away for an extended visit with friends. My fear of losing out on a potential mate caused me to blurt out "will you marry me?" I immediately regretted it but considered the die had been cast and a sense of duty compelled me to go through with the marriage. I should have been patient and looked for a better match. We have what I would consider a workable marriage. Not great. We are not a particularly good match personality wise. But she is a good woman, and a good mother. She loves me and has always been faithful which is not a small thing.
My problem is that I don't think I ever really gave her my heart. I think my request to marry her was more the fear losing my options than actually not being able to live without her. I have a strong sense of duty and try to do my best but it has never been a good fit. We both work hard at making things work. She is a very good person (much more than me) but I have always had mild regret. I think I have stifled her ability to fully develop her potential as well. We have only this One Life to live and I have tried to be as honorable in my marriage as possible. I have never cheated on her. Pmo however is a form of cheating.
You may have sensed something more in her than you ever realized. Perhaps you didn't blow each other away, but underneath all the layers of fear and doubt there was a pull, a recognition of greater possibility. This possibility is still there and can be revived. When I first came to this forum someone asked me: "do you love yourself?" I had no answer. No, I didn't think I loved myself, because I didn't feel any passion toward my life. Even as I got things on track and stayed away from PMO that question still bothered me. My mission was not to love myself, though, my mission was to be sexually active again. My mission was not to care about what my wife thought, or how she spoke to me, but to follow the dimly lit path before me. In other words, I was dedicating myself to being selfish. Then something curious began to happen; I began to like myself more. Or, rather, I didn't despise myself for all the wrong things I'd done. I thought I was being entirely selfish, but it turns out I started give. When we give to ourselves, we also give to others, and then they in turn give back. Instead of the vicious circle I had been on, I was now on a stubbornly glad one. The resistance in us is well-established. We resist all the things that are scary to us. By following the beat of our own drum, even though it might sound and feel chaotic, we can turn this resistance into acceptance of ourselves.
Boxer my brother, you can't give something you don't have. i am speaking for me. like Saville said i don't love myself. i don't have feelings either way, for anyone or anything. i don't have a heart. like you i felt trapped in my marriage. i married my wife because she got pregnant, it was the honorable thing to do. so i thought, and so did her dad. many times i feel resentment for her "trapping" me into this marriage. but obviously i had a stake in it too. next month we will celebrate 44yrs of marriage. not all good, due to my addictions. i am learning that love is a verb. it is something i do for her. it is not a feeling. i post it on a previous post but i truly believe that our addictions, whatever they may be, are our way of escaping the pain of our childhood trauma. whatever that may be for each one of us. i have been numb for many years, no feelings. i am working on getting some feelings. i also the way to feel is action first. so i try to do little things for her even if i don't feel like it. wash dishes. bring her flowers just because. getting her coffee in bed in the morning. these small acts go a long way. seems the more compassion i show for her, the more beautiful she becomes. it will take time. i am not young anymore so i want to make up for all the hurt i have caused her and others in the time i have left. now, i am not vying for sainthood, i just want to be somewhat at peace when i am by myself with my thoughts. hang in there my brother. don't quit before the miracle.
Yes. Love is not a feeling. Also love is a commitment. It has been pointed out to me that some men are better to other women than they are to their own wives. I do try to do those things... rub her feet at night make her coffee in the morning, and be a considerate partner in life. I know at times I can be difficult to live with and she puts up with those things. She tells me she loves me and that I am her very best friend. After 48 years of marriage I know that this is the horse I will be riding for the rest of my days. I try not to think of what might have been but make this present life as successful as possible. “ a good day ain't got no rain, a bad day is when I lie in the bed And I think of things that might have been” ― Paul Simon warm regards, Boxer
Commenting on an thought: If Women are willing they can have sex with someone no matter what. They can feel passion or be bored out of their minds. Love or loathe the partner. Be mentally putting together their shopping list,or really be involved. Men, on the other hand need arousal or not much, if anything, happens. It's an obvious physical imperative for the act to occur. For sure a woman's ardor will play a large part towards a man's arousal. I wonder if this is why historically there is a focus on a woman's appearance more than a man's. I am aware that a man's love for his woman can lessen the need for physical attraction. And I know women want a desirable man but physical arousal in a woman is not necessary for the act. There may also be men who need little if any outside stimulation to perform I'm sure there is more nuance to this than I am bringing. And....I'm willing to have this picked apart Just something I was thinking about
I think it's true that women can just lie there and "think of England" as the old joke goes. However, for a woman to really get wet she also needs to feel excitement. However, if they don't cum it isn't obvious and so there is less at stake ego wise. So much of a man's ego is wrapped up in how his manly member responds; something we all know only too well. Some men have an insatiable appetite and would fuck a log if it had a skirt on, but most of us need a connection. We also need to connect with our own desire and own sense of being masculine. If our woman is the one who wears the pants then it can be harder for a man to become aroused, because much of his personal power has already been given away. A big topic, Boxer!
This discussion is interesting. I have only ever been sexual with one woman (wife) who I am very attracted to and I think she is at least somewhat attracted to me. I would be very uncomfortable if she were to ever just lay there. She thus far has always been engaged when we have had sex. Theoretically, I think that I would more so enjoy a sexual experience with a woman I was less attracted to but who was very much into me physically (especially if she paid me complements about my body/appearance - we are getting into very theoretical territory now ) then one with a smoking hot babe who was ambivalent about being sexual with me.
Yes. I agree. I have sometimes told my wife "it's more what you do with what you have than what you have"
Today is my 48th wedding anniversary. We were married on Pearl Harbor Day There have been times over the years the bombs have fallen! As people my wife and I are still limping along somewhat in unison
congratulations my brother, i know you like Paul Simon but there's another oldie that your post makes me remember- Michael Martin Murphey-What's forever for. enjoy your special night, both of you and i am praying for many many more. you deserve it. and so does she. you made my day today.
