....but the fighter still remains.....

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Boxer17, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'. You and I are of a similar age and I think I could have written your above post. One reason I slipped after almost 4 years clean was because I felt kind of blah towards everything. It's a struggle, to be sure. What has helped me, in no particular order: journaling here, buying a couple of books, light yard work, and walking. Also, I decided I was going to collate all my digital pictures, which has been more enjoyable than I thought it would be. I have a lot of nature photos that take me back to certain holidays and I've gotten a small buzz from that.
     
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  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I find myself in a situation I have not seen addressed in just this way on this forum. I have not the ability to describe every nuance of this dilemma but this is the overview.
    I am late 60s my wife is mid 60s. We have been married over40 years.
    She is a wonderful woman. Has her quirks as do We all. :cool: We engage in sex every 3 to 4 weeks. We usually end up by pleasuring one another by hand.
    For about 3 weeks after an encounter with her I am pretty well able to stay away from arousing images and shut that door to arousal. Although there is the wildcard of seeing a sexy woman in public which can initiate a full on fever.
    I try to stay away from arousal to save myself for my encounters with my wife; so that I will not be desensitized by viewing women.
    After around 3 weeks a couple of things come into play:
    - My libido begins pushing itself to the fore of my awareness; meaning I am really needing release. -And the other is we are approaching our window of time for sex.
    The problems then begin to arise. Pleasant as getting naked with her is she alone doesn't give me enough stimulation to make it "over the top" to a climax. So,I resort to fantasy.
    Therefore when we are approaching time for sexual activity I will begin charging up my fantasy bank in anticipation of our next encounter. Looking at p subs... lingerie,bikinis etc. Or trolling stores watching for some hot thing.
    Yes, I feel guilty because at the moment of climax with her I am focused on some stored memory. But, if I don't climax she will feel like she has failed which will complicate things further.
    Part of the reason for such long intervals between sex is I try to wait till I am very horny which increases chances of orgasm. The other reason on my part because of shame. So I rarely initiate sex because I am just MOing using someone else's hand which is not good.
    I have thought of just going the route of enjoying the closeness and if I climax great but if not ,oh well. The only problem is after being naked with her enjoyable as it is I am then frustrated and desire release which makes it much more likely I will go looking at images or women in public.
    One might say "stay away from p to allow rewiring". Going out in public is far more dangerous for me than P. At least initially. I will often get triggered at public places then go binge on images because of the triggering.
    These are sort of stream of consciousness writings but this is the gorilla on MY porch:confused:
    I am possibly confusing the reader at this point but I needed to write this down
    Warm regards
    Boxer
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I totally get where you're coming from. My wife actually offers to beat me off, instead of having PIV, but I usually decline, because I need fantasy when I get a hand job, same as you. But, a real person jerking us off is still human contact, particularly if kissing and other things are involved. As an addict I tend to sexualize everything and everyone. It's gotten better, but the beast is still there. I don't know the answers, obviously, but I do know that giving ourselves a bit of grace feels better. :)
     
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  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Part of my problem is I don't get much of an erection anymore. I don't have underlying health issues,that I know of. With that peyrones syndrome my erections are mildly painful so there is no piv. I don't harden even with P.
    There is something weird though. I get erections in the night if I lay on my side. I think it may be a blood flow issue. As we know an erection occurs when blood is let in to the penis during arousal but can't escape until arousal is over. I don't know if the way my legs lay together dams up blood flow in my member and causes an erection.
    I have looked for resons for this online without success.

    Thanks for responding. I am way over on my work break.
    Gotta go
    Boxer
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2020
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Maybe it helps if you give a number to the intensity of your arousal with these different activities. Cause it is the state of arousal that you're really addicted to, and this is (if I am correct) what really screws your brain and leads to ED. It is this state of arousal that we must avoid, whether you get it from ogling, fantasy or pornsubs. For me the highest arousal is definitely porn, but when I abstain for a couple of weeks, the state of arousal with just fantasy can get really close to that.
     
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  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I don't know if I can give a number. But porn IS down on the list. Stimulation in public places is far and away my main trigger area. I don't always go looking for stimulation in public but sometimes it's just there......suddenly!
    I can stay away from p. But I can't forever stay away from public places.
    I am thankful when cold weather comes. That at least forces women to put on some clothes!!o_O
    I agree that stopping looking at women will sensitize one to their partner but going out in public makes that a little hard to do.
    I think my age,late 60s does have something to do with my ed. The difference between40s, 50s, or even 60 has been significant. Also , with the peyrones my erections are painful which certainly has a dampening effect.
    Also, a bit of depression comes into play.
    The problem is ,just like all of us I still have a young man's mind so I am stimulated by the immodest women around me.
    So, I don't disagree with some of the things you have said I just don't know how to implement the right strategy
     
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I don't know how many do this, but with busy schedules my wife and I will designate a "date night"
    I try to keep the door slammed shut to outside stimulation. Stay in monk mode as much as possible. However when date night is upcoming I will open the door to libido.
    One might say just come on to your wife but I don't have that much sex drive in my own head. I need a trigger and she doesn't do that. She enjoys our encounters and has even said if I want sex to ask. I have told her I need some visual stimulation. Dress provocatively or be provocative.
    She is sweet but my suggestions don't seem to take. So we will hug and kiss before going to sleep and that's about it.
    So outside of our scheduled date nights when I am needing release I will rev up my libido by looking for visual stimulation. Then we will have sex she gives me a handjob.
    I know this is not good but I don't see another way. I love hugging and fondling and enjoying a woman in my arms.
    But to come, I have to resort to fantasy.
    To share this dilemma with her would be crushing to her. She is pretty overweight and has little confidence. So I try to be gentle
    ............. I'm rambling here so I'll sign off
     
  8. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi Boxer,

    I can emphasize with this:

    I am thankful when cold weather comes. That at least forces women to put on some clothes!!o_O

    However, for me it’s the complete opposite season-wise. I’ve always found women to be more interesting in winter fashion than summer, maybe something about leaving it up to the imagination?, and so I’m grateful that my reboot is coinciding with the next five months or so of good weather.

    Anyway, hang in there!
     
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  9. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Chuckle. :p:D:rolleyes:
     
  10. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    I know it sounds strange....just goes to show how quirky some of our preferences can become when left to run wild....
     
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  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Birthday coming up. Feeling my mortality. In my late 60s. World in chaos. Good wife but feel incapable of loving someone. What has my life been all about? Feel need for escape. Spending my days on Twitter watching the World burn. Escape into movies, music.... Find myself just staring off into space for minutes at a time... No answers.
    Boxer
     
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  12. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi Boxer, I would say limit the time you spend on Twitter/watching the world burn. We’re really not able to function with processing so many big events/stories going on in the world. Even if we’re 100% heathly it’s not good for us.
     
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  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    As @Clovis6 already mentioned, better not focus on all the negative stuff that's going on. You can't change anything about it. Besides, it is probably an escape on itself. It gets the dopamine going. Porn addiction is a complicated thing and very often I have thought that it is not an addiction and that I can use porn every now and then. The last years I guess I was using porn not so frequently anymore. But last year I had some long streaks and right now my streak of no porn has been the longest ever, and only now I really feel and understand what desensitization is. it is the effect of porn that numbs you out by decreasing the density of your neuron's dopamine receptors. The state you're in really reminds me of a desensitized state. Besides, in the YBOP book I read about intermittent use of porn (every 3 or 4 weeks). Basically what you do and what I have been doing for a long time. It can be just as detrimental as daily use. I hope you can find the motivation again to quit, and to really quit the ogling and P-subs as well. It is really worth it and I am almost sure it is the answer to your current problems.
     
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  14. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hi Clovis6
    My problem isn't Twitter or the burning world.
    Its the other way around.
    I cannot find anything that interests me so I look for escape. I know p is harmful so I look around for anything else to focus on. Hypnotically watching the news, binging on audiobooks and podcasts ,endlessly researching my stock investments, mindless movies, monotonously surfing Twitter, bored with reorganizing my music collection....any kind of escape from my daily existence. I now wonder if I am capable of loving someone. I am married to a good woman whom I care for and am not abusive....

    I don't have a therapist so I am unburdening myself through this private means and trying to plumb my own depths.
     
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    When your desire to discover what's interesting (amazing) about yourself supersedes your interest in escaping yourself, Boxer17, then, you might have a reason to stop escaping and become interested:D We've got a lot more inside us than meets the eye:)
     
  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Thank you for your thoughts@NCBob
    I know all the men here are fighting for their higher selves to shine through.
    My thoughts are with each and every one!

    Warm regards
    Boxer
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2020
  17. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Have you tried boxing?

    I kid I kid. Neil Gaiman (writer, I'm sure you've seen his Masterclass Ads online) talks about how he doesn't let himself do anything but writing when he works. I think he mentioned it on the Tim Ferris podcast. It's like, he has to write, he says "I can write, or do nothing." So whenever he doesn't want to write, all he allows himself to do is sit down and do nothing, no online scrolling, no TV, no music, nothing. In the end, writing ends up being more exciting over not doing anything.

    But have you? Tried boxing?
     
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  18. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    [QUOTE="baywalker, post: 709059, member: 2377"

    I kid I kid. Neil Gaiman (writer, I'm sure you've seen his Masterclass Ads online) talks about how he doesn't let himself do anything but writing when he works. I think he mentioned it on the Tim Ferris podcast. It's like, he has to write, he says "I can write, or do nothing." So whenever he doesn't want to write, all he allows himself to do is sit down and do nothing, no online scrolling, no TV, no music, nothing. In the end, writing ends up being more exciting over not doing anything.[/QUOTE]

    I’ve got to try that with my own writing! Thanks for the idea.
     
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  19. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    :p:D:p no. Haven't tried that yet.!!!!
    And thankfully my wife and I have never come to blows!!:cool::p:D
     
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  20. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Hahaha !
     
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