....but the fighter still remains.....

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Boxer17, Jun 23, 2017.

  1. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    Don't be too harsh on yourself about this and maybe you're overthinking it. The important thing is, you and your wife shared an act of intimacy and even if your mind drifted and you thought about someone else, so what? It's OK to use fantasy in this way.
    JohnQ and Boxer17 like this.
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I haven't posted here for a while. Going through strange time in my head. Kind of a vague sense of gloom.
    Will be 65 soon. Pretty depressed. Hard to put swirling thoughts down so a reader could understand.
    Have stayed pretty clean for 3 months. No P sites. Got stumbled by Psub youtube videos for a while. I had one mo to a Psub about a month ago.

    Just going to work and trying to get things done around the house.
    Kiss my wife goodnight, go to sleep and do it all over again. Little sex. With my peyrones condition little chance of PIV sex. Only handjobs.
    If I stay healthy I plan to work full time till I'm 70. I have very little retirement.
    I haven't posted lately because I have little to say. Just trying to stay clean, keep my eyes to myself while in public, and be a decent human being

    Warm regards to all.
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    My wife and I are heading to see our out of state family this weekend. My parents are in their 80s so we want to see them as we can
    Peace boxer
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Got back from visiting family this weekend. My dad seems to be doing well health wise. My mom is really struggling with hwe health.
    Didn't slip while on vacation. It seems like with a change of scenery the urge to slip diminishes a bit.

    Back at work today. Read other's posts

    Peace Bros
  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Today's journal:
    My life seems to be on "disinterested autopilot". (just coined that);)
    I work,sleep, repeat. Been staying away from psubs. No P sites. No M
    Turn 65 next week :confused: have to start Medicare
    Get along with my wife. Most conflict comes around money. I am a saver she is a spender but trying to be better.
    No sex but she doesn't ask.....at least not that I am aware of. That's ok. My life is a dial tone right now
    Good to read Moz' and RD journals
    Take care
  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    A big storm came through last night. Cooler and misty today. Good coffee weather.
    Staying away from P definitely does sensitize one to much milder images. Was looking for a movie on youtube to help get to sleep last night and came across a video thumbnail of a gal in bikini. Got a little hit and was tempted to click on it but knew the rabbit hole into which I would decend and moved away.
    Gotta get to work.
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad you stayed away from that Rabbit hole, Boxer17:)

    If we're open to it, there's something magical about those cooler misty coffee days. Glad you were able to tune in to it:)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  8. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Messed up yesterday. No m but DID go down the psub rabbit hole.

    It's strange how my mind works. If I slam the door on all visual sexual stimulation I can pretty much keep things under control. I just don't let my mind go there.
    If I open the mental door to even have legitimate sex with my wife that portal opens and undesirable tendencies scamper in.

    It's like an on off switch with little to no filtering. So if I mentally gear up for sexual engagement with my wife I open that door and have to deal with all that comes through.

    This may be confusing to any reader and it's something of which I don't quite have a grasp.
  9. JohnQ

    JohnQ Active Member

    Boxer, I’m in the same situation. It’s a real struggle. I find I want to engage with my wife for sex and I’m tempted to fantasize or use porn sub to get aroused which I try to avoid. I ususally try to wait until I have some libido which is very infrequently. When I do manage to engage in sex I find myself fantasizing even though I don’t want to. Hang in there.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know then (with me at least) guilt kicks in. But to not interact with her make her feel unloved :confused:
    Haven't heard from you for a while.
    Peace sir
    JohnQ likes this.
  11. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Boxer17 -- thank you for staying with me. I'm working to care about PMO again. Dad consumes much of my emotion; like a vampire. Thank you for staying with me.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Dear journal.
    I haven't written in you for a long time.
    Been pretty busy with the holidays.
    Just thinking recently, and sadly, that I have always preferred jerking over sex with a real woman. I would rather have a partner undress before me while I jerk than actually having intercourse. With M I can control all of the variables. The O is usually much more intense and uncluttered by interaction with another person. :(. Plus ,with P , an imaginary lover seems that perfect companion at the moment of release. I posted a frown face because I know this is not right and not what natural or God's law intended.

    Since I was a boy and experienced my first O climbing rope in Gym class I have been infatuated with that toe curling sensation.
    Now that I am older I am still as enamoured with O as ever but things have changed.
    My body has changed. I have developed peyrones condition in which erections are somewhat uncomfortable and curved which makes PIV sex difficult.
    So my wife gives me handjobs for release. The problem is I don't O with her hand and naked body alone. Although it feels wonderful, in order to finally O I give in and dredge up some image from memory to put me over the top. Then I feel guilty because I am really jerking off to some other woman. I go weeks without really cuddling and kissing because (bless her heart) she reaches for my dick and begins stroking and I am then faced with the moral dilemma I just described.
    I am a Christian and believes it when the Bible states that the man who looks upon a woman to lust after her in his heart has committed adultery with her. ( To those who don't agree I understand. )
    So when we haven't messed around for long enough that it becomes an obvious awareness I will look at very soft P (that's all I like anyway) to Stoke my fire for an evening of sex.

    Gotta get back to work.
    May write to you, journal, later
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2018
  13. NewVerse

    NewVerse Member

    This has been my problem since forever. My early attempts at sex were failures because real sex felt unnatural. I didn't understand at the time. I would fail, and go home and jerk it and think about doing the thing with her I was unable to do in person.
    As the internet progressed my fantasy life became ME being another person. Creating whole personas and back stories. It felt amazing and the consequences have been literally crippling.
    You are blessed to have an understanding wife.
  14. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    It's true - it's much easier to simply self service. No emotional fuss, and you can 'control all of the variables'... But it can be very isolating.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Yes new verse and learning order. You both make good points.

    The following is a raw ramble. So take it for what it's worth :)
    The sex drive is a mystery. I know desire for sex is necessary for species survival. And we humans need companionship and intimacy. That is natural good and healthy.

    I wish horniness laid dormant until one lay's in bed with their lover?
    It would if we lived in the woods with our woman as our sole sexual stimulation with little outside influence.

    Women like to be looked at and men like to look. But the looking triggers men down the path to sex. That's why" ladies of the night" dress as they do. To trigger a response.
    Our society is dripping with sexual stimulation!! From TV to the Internet to walking down the street. We live from day to day with it.
    Most women are very aware of their visual impact on men. Hence the stereotype of a woman who can stop traffic. That is the reason lingerie exists. To entice a lover.
    The gal at the store in a miniskirt and no bra is dressing to entice ( whether or not she is aware of it, or admits it). Some may go braless for comfort but the effect is the same. Unless they are just plain unattractive o_O......
    This is turning into a rant!!:D:eek:

    It is strange that men are SO visually stimulated and have the ability to relieve that drive with"'ol lady five fingers" to quote an old friend of mine. :rolleyes:

    Women, as a whole, seem to desire a more complex path to intimacy.
    Like the old joke:. How does a man seduce a woman? With flowers,dinner , dancing and so forth.
    How does a woman seduce a man? Show up at his door naked with beer. If time is short, forget the beer!:p

    We are told pornography exploits women. I am NOT saying that the P industry doesn't. But, I am also saying it exploits men just as much if not more. The P industry exploits a man's natural drive with the visual stimulation, the main ingredient to fuel his sex drive!
    Just as the food industry has formulated supernormal processed foods which subvert normal appetite; I believe this modern media industrial complex has created a supernormal sexual stimulation to subvert our normal sex drive. From advertising to entertainment. There is little that catches our attention like sex.

    This was a fast blast. I'm not saying some holes cannot be poked in my thesis but I'm sure I'm not too far off base

    Peace Bros
    seebs75 likes this.
  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I find about every 3 or 4 days I am ready for another orgasm. Since I am not able to have piv sex I need someone's hand to finish the job.
    Mine with m or my wife's. I feel so guilty about using her hand while bringing up an image of someone else that I really avoid interacting in that fashion with her. So I walk around with a slow horny burn in my gut until it seems like a proper amount of time has passed to have her give me another hand job.
    Now, I don't just flop down and act like here I am. Service me! I enjoy cuddling kissing fondling. All that good stuff. I give her massages and enjoy all that. But when it comes to me getting a release I let her give me a handjob and finish... immediately feeling guilty.
    I don't know what to do about it. How to proceed.
  17. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Do you feel guilty only because you're picturing someone else? Are you able to O without picturing (I assume...) P while your wife is helping you?

    What you describe is my situation, almost exactly. The exception is that my wife will do it only once/week and I don't picture anyone else - mostly. For me, after a week, I'm so flippin horny that just focusing on the sensation is enough. Maybe try that? Or, what I've done, too, is picture my wife but what she looked like when we met. It's still fantasy, a little, but it's intermediate, I think, to just being with her, and, it bonds me with her because I remember the first few times we were sexual with each other, how strongly I felt about her.

    Obviously all of this is easier said than done. Try to celebrate any progress and don't beat yourself up about failures. Resisting PMO, even under the circumstances you describe is good and is re-wiring you. You're moving in the right direction.
  18. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Yes I feel guilty because I am picturing someone else.
    I usually try to focus on her initially to see if I get stimulated enough by her. After a while to save her feelings,(of inadequacy) as well as get a release for myself I finally give in and conjure up a memory of some gal I saw at the store or some picture to put me over the top.
    Basically I'm just jerking by a surrogate hand.
    But at least I am with her and she isn't aware of the turmoil in my head
    So when I finish we kiss and hug and cuddle. And that is good
  19. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    It is good! Not perfect, but good. Successive approximations to the goal.
  20. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Had a really nice time with my wife last night. Due to my Peyronies condition I am not able to have PIV sex with her but we were both able to climax. Manual stimulation can be a wonderful thing :)
    What I was thankful for is I did not need to fantasize to finish this time. This need to fantasize has been a source of discomfort for me. It makes me feel disloyal to her but I didn't have to this time. I did look at some soft erotica to get myself revved up earlier in the evening but finished without the aforementioned fantasizing!

    I may be a small thing to some; but as for me I am grateful!:)
    Doofus likes this.

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