First Journal Entry- Day 4 no PMO Hi everyone, I found YBOP because I was looking for answers about my ED but I have found so much more that explains numerous things that I've been going through. I'm 29 years old and have been M-ing since I was a 8 or 9 years old to catalogs or magazines, pretty normal. I've been using real M aids like pornographic magazines and tapes since I was about 14. My first exposure to internet pornography occurred around 16 or 17 years of age with a free dial-up internet connection. It was slow and I could only use it at night because my family only had one phone line. I remember it being novel and fun but because it was slow I would usually get the job done quickly while waiting impatiently for images to download. I still performed with women with no problems. I went to college at 18 and had a fast ethernet connection but luckily my room mate and I shared a large dorm room with no privacy. Looking back, it was a good thing that I couldn't indulge as much as I wanted to but I still managed to PMO several times a week. Sometimes I'd wait until my room mate was asleep to go on porn websites to get myself excited then M in my bed. I moved into an 2 bedroom apartment with 4 other guys for my last two years of college. Again I'd feel urges but I didn't have privacy to fully indulge. I'd say frequency was about 3 times a week, always using P. Then I graduated at 22 and got a job. Having a job meant I could afford high speed internet and my own room with lots of privacy whenever I wanted. This is where my compulsion for PMO really took off. I would sit for hours trying to find the perfect woman with the perfect features. I would edge until I found what I was looking for then O. I usually felt this funny, almost shameful, feeling afterwards but it gradually disappeared over the years. I continued to PMO usually twice a day, more if I had the day off, for years but it didn't affect my performance with women. I didn't have a steady girl friend from 22 to 27 so any encounter I had was new and novel and exciting. My neurochemistry was still responsive because porn was my norm; warm, sensual, willing women were the novelties. At 28 I entered into a relationship with an amazing woman that I had an incredible connection with. It was magic. For about 3 weeks sex was great and my urge for PMO fell behind. But slowly I came to realize I had problems. She was beautiful and I loved being with her but my body would just not respond as easily. My erections were like 60 or 70%, I couldn't finish. Objectively I knew she was attractive but I couldn't get it up. I had to really concentrate to stay hard and when I couldn't stay hard, I'd get anxious then it became full blown performance anxiety. Over the course of our two year relationship there were times of great sex but mostly it was lackluster. I thought she was bad at sex or bad at hand jobs but it was me. I'd sneak off to PMO while she was asleep or when she went to work. We each had apartments and I'd sneak off to mine to PMO using some bogus excuse like needing to get more clothes. We rarely connected sexually because of my secret habit. I'd use my sexual energy on PMO and have none left for her. I knew PMO was the reason for this defect in our relationship and I tried several times to get off of it. Unfortunately, I always came back to PMO. I found YBOP while looking for answers. I read other peoples' stories and saw so many parallels. I resolved to get off PMO and have been free for 4 days. Unfortunately, my girlfriend had had enough of failed attempts at connection and sex and broke up with me yesterday. I explained what I was going through and she said it made sense. She felt like I was somewhere else during sex because I couldn't look her in the eyes; they'd always be closed, concentrating on keeping an erection. She said it felt like I wasn't 'all there' for a lot of the relationship. She's gone now and I have this habit to overcome. Day 4 - I'm flatlining physically and emotionally.Totally numb. I have flashes of porn in my head but no desire to M. Tired and unmotivated to do anything but read about this problem.