Burning Off the Fog

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by ttjb8, Mar 21, 2012.

  1. ttjb8

    ttjb8 New Member

    First Journal Entry- Day 4 no PMO

    Hi everyone,

    I found YBOP because I was looking for answers about my ED but I have found so much more that explains numerous things that I've been going through. I'm 29 years old and have been M-ing since I was a 8 or 9 years old to catalogs or magazines, pretty normal. I've been using real M aids like pornographic magazines and tapes since I was about 14.

    My first exposure to internet pornography occurred around 16 or 17 years of age with a free dial-up internet connection. It was slow and I could only use it at night because my family only had one phone line. I remember it being novel and fun but because it was slow I would usually get the job done quickly while waiting impatiently for images to download. I still performed with women with no problems.

    I went to college at 18 and had a fast ethernet connection but luckily my room mate and I shared a large dorm room with no privacy. Looking back, it was a good thing that I couldn't indulge as much as I wanted to but I still managed to PMO several times a week. Sometimes I'd wait until my room mate was asleep to go on porn websites to get myself excited then M in my bed. I moved into an 2 bedroom apartment with 4 other guys for my last two years of college. Again I'd feel urges but I didn't have privacy to fully indulge. I'd say frequency was about 3 times a week, always using P. Then I graduated at 22 and got a job.

    Having a job meant I could afford high speed internet and my own room with lots of privacy whenever I wanted. This is where my compulsion for PMO really took off. I would sit for hours trying to find the perfect woman with the perfect features. I would edge until I found what I was looking for then O. I usually felt this funny, almost shameful, feeling afterwards but it gradually disappeared over the years. I continued to PMO usually twice a day, more if I had the day off, for years but it didn't affect my performance with women. I didn't have a steady girl friend from 22 to 27 so any encounter I had was new and novel and exciting. My neurochemistry was still responsive because porn was my norm; warm, sensual, willing women were the novelties.

    At 28 I entered into a relationship with an amazing woman that I had an incredible connection with. It was magic. For about 3 weeks sex was great and my urge for PMO fell behind. But slowly I came to realize I had problems. She was beautiful and I loved being with her but my body would just not respond as easily. My erections were like 60 or 70%, I couldn't finish. Objectively I knew she was attractive but I couldn't get it up. I had to really concentrate to stay hard and when I couldn't stay hard, I'd get anxious then it became full blown performance anxiety. Over the course of our two year relationship there were times of great sex but mostly it was lackluster. I thought she was bad at sex or bad at hand jobs but it was me. I'd sneak off to PMO while she was asleep or when she went to work. We each had apartments and I'd sneak off to mine to PMO using some bogus excuse like needing to get more clothes. We rarely connected sexually because of my secret habit. I'd use my sexual energy on PMO and have none left for her.

    I knew PMO was the reason for this defect in our relationship and I tried several times to get off of it. Unfortunately, I always came back to PMO. I found YBOP while looking for answers. I read other peoples' stories and saw so many parallels. I resolved to get off PMO and have been free for 4 days. Unfortunately, my girlfriend had had enough of failed attempts at connection and sex and broke up with me yesterday.

    I explained what I was going through and she said it made sense. She felt like I was somewhere else during sex because I couldn't look her in the eyes; they'd always be closed, concentrating on keeping an erection. She said it felt like I wasn't 'all there' for a lot of the relationship. She's gone now and I have this habit to overcome.

    Day 4 - I'm flatlining physically and emotionally.Totally numb. I have flashes of porn in my head but no desire to M. Tired and unmotivated to do anything but read about this problem.
  2. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the forum!

    It makes me sad to know there are probably millions of men around the world going through the same problems you went through.

    It is so frustrating to know that a woman is incredibly hot and yet see that our bodies are not responding.

    I would choose premature ejaculation over porn induced ED, every single time.

    Anyway, I'm glad you found YBOP and this site. Looking forward to read about your progress.
  3. ttjb8

    ttjb8 New Member

    Day 6 - no PMO

    Thanks for your motivation Underdog.

    It's like my breakup and PMO flatlining are combining into an episode of depression. I feel no motivation to do anything. It sucks. What really bothered me today was that my ex took the dog. I f*cking love that dog. He's the best dog ever...

    The breakup really shows me how PMO just kills any motivation for meaningful activities in life. I didn't want to connect. I didn't want to socialize. I just wanted to self medicate with PMO.

    PMO is the opiate of the masses. It dulls your senses, kills motivation, kills desire, and saps energy. It's an addiction that isolates you from the world, leading to a lonely life. I never want to be in its grip again (see what I did there?). Let's kick these habits and become revitalized men instead of half alive robots.
  4. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Damn, that is indeed depressing about the breakup. Personally, I found focusing on the horrible things PMO brought into my life to be a pretty useful motivating force for getting me to stop it. Basically, what I did is I wrote out in a private journal all the negative consequences of my addiction, being completely honest with myself (the flip side of this is to focus on the benefits of quitting, check out the list over on the "Success Stories" side of the forum). I would recommend you do some work on both of these things, as it's pretty useful to get them on paper (you do not need to share them here). I hope you're feeling better soon.
  5. Stay strong man. You know you don't ever want to be in that dark hole again.

    At least not that dark hole.
  6. ttjb8

    ttjb8 New Member

    Day 10

    This weekend I went and hooked up with an old ex, not the most recent one. At that time was 7 days no PMO so physically I was ready to blow but my libido was shot. We hooked up twice with no issues. But again, I think my problem was only getting aroused by novelty, I hadn't hooked up with her in several years so it was definitely something new.

    As for my most recent breakup, we did the final exchange of possessions last night. It was difficult but I stayed strong and didn't break down. I told her I could hold my head high because I laid my emotions out, told her I still wanted something, and said that she could open the lines of communication; I'm doing NO CONTACT. I erased her number and will have no problem leaving her alone. I explained about my PMO addiction and that didn't sway anything. I still love her a lot but I said and did everything I could while still maintaining my dignity. It's in her court now. The finality of the breakup is starting to seep in.

    On the PMO front I have a slight urge to check out my favorite sites but I'm so depressed I just push it out of my mind. I expect the urge will get stronger as I come out of my funk.
  7. ttjb8

    ttjb8 New Member

    Day 14 - No PMO

    Libido is nonexistent. Flatlined "dead dick." Breakup is really tough. I'm bored and depressed. In the past I'd fire up my favorite sites and go to town to fill voids in my life. Now I'm trying to look inward but can't see much.

    I have felt urges to PMO but they've been tiny. Like whispers at a heavy metal concert.

    I'm trying to muddle through this mass of emotions but it's difficult.
  8. Existential

    Existential New Member

    Congrats on 2 weeks, I am also at about two weeks too (on Monday to be exact). I am trying to not M during mornings and afternoons on the weekends since that is when I am most vulnerable to relapse so yeah I am trying hard to maintain my focus. So far P hasn't been an issue. I would say keep reading the forums every time you feel you want to satisfy your urges and to remember that at the end of this road it will be so much more worth it and you'll learn a lot about yourself too.
  9. ttjb8

    ttjb8 New Member

    Day 18 -no PMO

    Today was a good day. I haven't had random erections, morning wood hasn't been very woody(more sapling than tree), but there is a more fundamental change happening. I have energy and motivation. I ran about two miles today with hardly any stops. I haven't exercised in two months. There have been piles of laundry sitting all over my apartment for weeks. I knocked them all out today. I dropped of dry cleaning, cleaned out my car, and bought some books.

    I'm accepting the end of my relationship. It's upsetting but the finality of it and the realization of what porn was doing has caused me to look inward and see patterns of behavior that have been sabotaging my life, career, and self-worth. In a way it's good that she broke up with me else I would have been trapped in my old ways.

    I have slight flashbacks to porn but I handle them easily. It's like my body and soul know that indulging in PMO will make me chase that green dragon so I have a lot of reserve strength in resisting. It's a self preservation instinct? I'm flatlining but I'm not worried nor am I tempted to make sure the plumbing works using P. I just have confidence that this is what my body needs.

    Get off PMO fellas. It makes you a weak male.
  10. Recovery11

    Recovery11 New Member

    Keep up the good work. 8)
  11. ttjb8

    ttjb8 New Member

    Day 33 - NO PMO

    It's been 33 days since I last used porn to masturbate to orgasm. I've had mild urges but nothing that caused me to fail. The urges do seem to be getting stronger. I've had orgasms over this period involving an old ex. Probably 6, averaging a little over one a week since the start of my journey.

    To be honest I'm kind of nervous. In the past when I've tried getting off PMO I could only last 10 days. I'd swear off porn, be good for a couple days, then start to cheat by looking up wikipedia articles about sex. This time I'm having no issues. Totally controlling the urges. I want to know if I've grown in willpower or became weaker sexually.

    The breakup is still rolling around in my head. Somedays are good but overall there is a mild feeling of loss.

    This whole experience has been an awakening for me. I've been reading a lot about relationship dynamics and ways I went wrong. Basically, I gave up my balls in the relationship as so many males do when they enter longterm relationships. Plus, she wasn't my type physically and the porn I would seek was what I wanted in a woman physically. I was fulfilling my sexual needs using porn and my emotional needs using her.

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