Bulletproof

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Senor Spike, Apr 25, 2012.

  1. Senor Spike

    Senor Spike New Member

    Night of the first day…

    I relapsed today, early in the wee hours morning just before going to bed. I relapsed for what feels like the thousandth time. It really wouldn’t surprise me if it was. I’ve been fighting this thing for almost two years now. Right after I graduated high school, in fact. June, 2010. It seems like a lifetime ago. I’m only 19, almost 20. Two decades of life, and what do I have to show for it? Pretty much nothing. Never got very good grades in high school. Dropped out of college. I’m still living with my parents, working a dull part-time gig to pay my share. Hell, I’m still a virgin for chrissakes. This isn’t where I wanted to be. This isn’t where I should be. How could I have screwed my life up this badly?

    And even then, my brain is still committed to this, this, addiction. That’s really the word for it, isn’t it? My primeval lizard-brain doesn’t care about undoing all my work. It didn’t care that another few days were flowing freely down the drain, flushed away with all the same attention given to the churned stomach juices from a bad hangover. It wants what it wants. But of course, my conscious self was really at fault. “Sure, I can adjust those settings on K9. I’m sure I won’t set admin mode on and instantly waste these last three days like an idiot.” No dice, though. Next thing I knew I was sitting in the bittersweet afterglow of another session, my pants a mess and that old familiar hazy feeling drifting in. But I threw the piece of paper containing one-third of my password behind the massive stack of boxes in the storage room. It’ll take me at least 15 minutes of heavy lifting and digging to find it again. Something I couldn’t be asked to do even if I were on the top of my game. Besides, I’ve got everything tweaked to perfection now. My personal security net is nigh waterproof. I couldn’t get to porn without that password even if I spent all day trying, and believe me, I have. But even without that, I’m determined to see this through. This will be the last time I relapse. The last time I have to go through this little personal hell I’ve created for myself. This time I’ll be bulletproof. I know I’ve told myself that before, but this time I know it. I’ll burn my computer if I have to. I’ll hold the line for myself, because I’m not wasting any more of my life on this. I’m not letting any more of my youth slip away. This is the last line to ever hold.

    You’re probably thinking, “How could someone spend two years trying and failing to do this? How could someone even be that addicted to pornography?” Well, I’ll get to that later. It’s late, and I’m in no mood to type out my life story. Maybe tomorrow. But for now, I’m just trying to spend some time distracting myself. I figure I’ve tried everything else, maybe chronicling my journey will give me the extra bit of willpower, the extra bit of mental release that will help me end this addiction now. Go full Gonzo on this shit. If nothing else, it’s more productive than sitting around clicking links on TVTropes or something.

    So, just to get something of substance down, here’s my declaration of intent:
    I, Mr. Senor Spike, intend to abstain totally from pornography from now until forever, and to abstain from masturbation or orgasm by any means for at least 90 complete waking days. I intend this to be the first and one of the critical steps in improving my life overall, since my commitment to self-absorbed pleasure of all kinds has robbed me of the motivation, focus, and drive I needed to do so in the past. I will not slip; I will not fail, because I have no more time left to lose. I’ve made my mistakes, and now it’s time to buckle down and do this thing once and for all.

    I know the tips thread said to start with an introduction, but like I said, I’m rather tired and still a bit irritable and foggy. I’ll get on it tomorrow, because if you hadn’t noticed by now I’m kind of wordy, and in order to understand where I’m coming from in terms of my situation and advice you’ll need to hear the whole story. So it’s gonna be a doozy.

    End of Day One.
     

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