Bruce Wayne's Journal - Fixing the Broken Bat

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by BruceWayne, Jan 16, 2014.

  1. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    My biggest problem with women has been initiating things and taking them further. I have a tough time coming out of my shell around women I’m attracted to.

    It’s been like this for me for a long time. You probably can see this just by reading my journal.

    I think it’s because of how much I tend to overthink things. I have a tough time speaking and acting from the heart and most things I do are thought out and well calculated.

    When you apply this way of living to women, you tend to always try to say and do the “right” thing so that she will like you and not reject you.

    I also tend to have high standards with women. Not only physically but personality-wise. I don’t like women that are mean to people or who are self-centered. I like women who know what they want. They also have to have at least some intelligence. I like women who can think.

    However I also like beautiful women and it’s been difficult finding a woman that is beautiful and who has the personality traits that I want. I don’t know if it’s because beautiful women are more likely to not have that great of personalities or what but so far that’s what I’ve found.

    There’s only been one girl that I went out on a few dates with that had the looks I wanted and the personality. Unfortunately things didn’t work out with her and she’s since moved.

    This is why I want to really make an effort this summer to put myself out there and meet someone. I think with more effort and maybe slightly lowering my standards in some areas I can do it.
     
  2. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    So found out some good news today. This girl who I’ve had a crush on for a long time is now single.

    We actually had some mutual interest a few years ago. Fooled around one night and ended up fingering her until she was squirming all over the place.

    Other than that kind of whimped out on asking her out on any dates. We usually only saw eachother at parties and get togethers with friends.

    I think I’m going to text her one of these days and ask her out. It’d be nice to start dating her also because she’s in a wedding that I’m also in a few months from now.
     
  3. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I’ve been looking at porn and PMOing almost every day this past week.

    I’m at the conclusion that if you’re someone who is really only a casual PMOer and has never really had negative consequences from it, then it’s actually harder to quit.

    The people who seem to quit the most are those who get into porn really deep and usually get ED and/or start visiting prostitutes.

    If your like me and only jerk off to “normal” stuff from time to time and that’s about as deep as you get with it and you’ve never had negative consequences, it seems almost pointless to quit.

    I know that’s not true and there are good reasons to quit still but when there hasn’t been any actual bad events happen in your life because of porn it, there’s less motivation to quit.
     
  4. tricking mind

    tricking mind Member

    Why do watch porn...if u watch porn for sex because u have no girlfriend or u think that u r not able make a girlfriend sooner or later that means u r not understanding the basic difference between sex and porn.... remember sex with real girl is actual sex but porn is poison ...yes we do like sex because it is in our gene but always REMEMBER PORN IS DRUG AND IT IS POISON FOR UR HEALTH MENTAL AS WELL AS PHYSICAL..if u don't believe than how u feel abt long session of pmo...but sex with real partner u will feel better.also remember u will never get sex with as many girls as porn offers that's why we go for pmo but never Confuse with SEX WITH POISON....all addiction r slow death.my recommendation is try on girls as much as u can...how much difficult it may be but u have to face it there is no way out to understand the basic difference between sex and porn.
    Gud luck
     
  5. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Everything you say is true Tricking Mind. I do a piss poor job with porn. I have this mentality that I like to call the “fuck it” mentality. This mentality gives me excuses to use porn. I’ll figure since “oh I don’t have a gf or any potential prospects. Might as well enjoy myself and look at some porn”. Or other excuses that aren’t worth wasting the peoples time who read this journal.

    The one girl that I mentioned a few posts back that broke up with her bf is apparently someone who still sleeps around quite a bit. I’ve been hearing that while she was dating her bf she was sleeping around even then which kind of surprises me because I thought she had changed. She used to be someone who slept around a lot especially back in college and apparently that’s still the case.

    To hear that is a huge turn off for me. I just don’t like easy women. Just something about a woman sleeping with whomever is just not fun for me. I’d rather have a challenge or someone who has at least some self-respect. It just seems sleazy.

    Also, my mom wants me to meet this one girl that she works with. Apparently she’s really great and all and my mom thinks that’d she be a really good match for me.

    However, dating someone that my mom hooked me up with is immasculating. I don’t care what anyone says. It just is, at least for me.

    Also, I looked at her facebook and she didn’t strike me as someone who I’m attracted to. Maybe I’m just too shallow though.
     
    tricking mind likes this.
  6. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I think one thing that is a huge problem for me and something that I avoid a lot is taking risks. I am incredibly afraid of taking risks.

    Just tonight, I was going through facebook and there was this one girl who I came across that I’ve had a thing for a while.

    Well I decided to send her a message and ask her how things have been.

    Just doing that was really hard. I debated with myself on whether to do it or not for a couple of hours.

    Eventually I did it. She didn’t respond yet but that’s okay cause I really need to get used to taking risks.

    I need to build courage in myself because I lack a lot of it.
     
  7. tricking mind

    tricking mind Member

    Don't worry so much just face ur fear especially regarding opposite sex ....but always REMEMBER porn is not the solution u r looking but soberiety brings u happyness and that is what every addict is looking for but one thing I want to also mention remind each day why u r doing this what u actually want from ur life and is this pmo will give u...the answer is never but the anticipation by porn gives us buzz and we just confuse and go for it but it never gives what it promises that's why porn is lie.
    Good luck
     
    BruceWayne likes this.
  8. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Had a few days last week where I did really well staying away from porn. No peeking. No edging.

    Then last Saturday I slipped and it was all downhill from there.

    I’ve PMOed twice almost everyday besides today since.

    I notice that when I’m away from porn and I’m doing things that are good for me, I feel much better about myself as a person. More confident and willing to share myself with the world.

    When I start PMOing, I lose my confidence and drive. I end up staying in playing video games most of the day. I care less about my appearance. I care less about finding a girlfriend.

    There’s also this shame that comes along with it that weighs me down.

    I think I need to accept that sometimes staying away from porn will take work. It’s going to have the occasions that are downright difficult. Not every day is going to be a walk in the park.

    I also sustained an injury this week to my arm. Probably from a combination of weightlifting and jerking off to porn. I’m not kidding about that last part. The night before I woke up with the pain in my forearm up by my elbow, I edged to porn for about a half hour, vigourously masturbating until I was finished.

    I think that combined with doing multiple sets of rows and curls a day before re-aggravated an old injury of mine.

    One thing that’s been good over these past few weeks is my anxiety has been at a minimum. I think just because I’ve been able to stop overthinking things so much and I’ve been getting adequate sleep.
     
  9. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I just finished the book “The Porn Myth” by Matt Fradd.

    I’d say it was a solid book on porn addiction. Delves into why we get hooked, why we stay hooked and so on and so forth.

    It also gets into the porn industry and how porn is not as empowering for women as it may seem and how porn use can only lead to objectification of people and overall dissatisfaction.

    Some of the other statistics about how many of the women who are in porn and come from abusive backgrounds was eye opening.

    I knew that some of the women who went into porn were from abusive backgrounds but the way the author puts it makes it seem way worse than I had originally thought.

    However though I got the same feeling I always get when I read a book such as this about porn addiction and how to overcome it. I feel elated and like I’m going to beat porn for a few days but then old habits come back.

    This is what terrifies me. Not ever being able to overcome this addiction. Being an addict for life. Never knowing what life is like without porn.

    All of those thoughts run through my head.

    I really hate porn. It’s been nothing but trouble for me and I wish I never looked at it in the first place.

    I think that it might be vital for me to take a day by day approach and not see leaving porn behind as a destination or goal.

    I also think that I really need to analyze how I live my life and pay more attention to the daily actions I take. I forget sometimes that your actions matter. What you do on a day to day basis matters.

    I need to start doing more things that make me feel good about myself.

    Such as:

    Getting to bed at a decent time and getting enough sleep
    Taking care of chores (even though I hate them lol)
    Exercising
    Being kind to others unconditionally
    Spending time with my family
    Spending time with my friends
    Making time for my dog (walks, fetch, horsing around)
    Excelling at my job
    Making time for myself that doesn’t include porn obviously
    Going out to a bar or nightclub with friends
    Approaching women that I’m interested in (doesn’t have to include asking them out although I should I get over my fear of it)
    Controlling my anger
    Eating healthy (I would like to start cooking for myself more often)

    These are just some of the things I can think of for the time being but there all important to me.

    Also, I need to remember this because it’s a point that I forget often and is very important to me personally.

    THERE’S NOTHING IN MY LIFE STOPPING ME FROM QUITTING PORN BESIDES MYSELF.

    I HAVE NO REASON TO CONTINUE DOWN THE PORN PATH OTHER THAN TO SELFISHLY FULFILL MY SEXUAL DESIRES AND TO DESTROY MY SELF RESPECT AND SELF ESTEEM.

    And now after that’s all been said, it is time for bed.

    I bid you adieu ladies and gents.
     
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    That last post you made had a few interesting points.

    Seems like you’ve had a good think about things and your list of things you want to start doing looks very achievable but also seems like if you do them all it’s will help you feel happier and proud of your life.

    Nice to read a post like that :)
     
  11. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Thanks Chrism!

    I’m also not going to pump myself up and get all motivated to beat this.

    I’m just going to try and implement as much as I can from the list above without letting myself get overwhelmed.

    I need change but I don’t need my life to become completely different.

    I just need to make better choices for myself.

    I really think that getting away from porn in my own case will not be that difficult as long as I’m living consciously and being an active participant in my life.

    Part of overcoming an addiction is getting back control and feel that if I make decisions that improve my life and make me feel good, then I’ll have that sense of control back.
     
    chrism likes this.
  12. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I ended up going out with one of my good friends. He also introduced my to some new people which was good.

    I also told a girl she had nice tits tonight. Not right out. But I made it apparent by choosing my words wisely. I can’t exactly measure how she reacted to what I said since I was somewhat drunk at that point but it she didn’t slap me I’ll say at least.

    I’m beginning to not really care what women think of me when it comes to me trying to get laid or date them.

    I rather just tell them what I think or want right off the bat and if they don’t like it or reject me then oh well.

    With that girl tonight I told her “you have something very nice, and I think you know what I mean since you’ve probably heard it before” She said, “what, tits?”. I was like “yea”.

    Afterwards things got kind of awkward. For me at least.

    So maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know.

    I’m just so horny and it’s been a long time since I’ve been laid. That’s all I want at this point.

    Also, I’ll be honest since I’m drunk part of me wants indulge and jack off to porn.

    But since I know that it’s not a good idea not matter what I’m not going to do it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2018
    Londoner likes this.
  13. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Damn I’m hungover today.

    Gonna have to reset my counter also.

    Edged to porn for like a minute last night.

    Also since I was drunk I tried to put my penis in my own mouth.

    This shit fucks with you really bad.

    Gonna have to be vigilant of myself today with porn since I’m hungover. It used to be my medicine for hangovers back in the day.
     
  14. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Damn had a full blown relapse just now. The porn thoughts got the best of me. There was a few pornstars that I kept thinking about and it led me search for their names on google.
     
  15. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Get back up man. You got this.
     
    BruceWayne and chrism like this.
  16. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Here I am. Day 8. Haven’t been this far in a while.

    Even though I saw some porn two days ago I’m still saying I’m at 8 days. For some reason an escord followed me on twitter. Had a very revealing picture and I got that high feeling and clicked on her profile then saw some porn pictures, masturbated for like 30 seconds then came to my senses and stopped.

    Since then I’ve been having porn thoughts and fantasies. The porn blocker I have set up has been helpful during this time.

    I really need to work on the “want” to look at porn. Why do I keep wanting to look at something that causes me so much distress?
     
    tricking mind likes this.
  17. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I’m back because I haven’t been able to kick porn. In fact I’ve become somewhat complacent about it and have started doing things that I’ve never done before in the world of online sex entertainment.

    Cam girls have become an occasional thing for me now. About 3-5 times a month and I just had my first ever experience with a trans women on a cam site.

    While my use of regular porn hasn’t gone up, this new development worries me and I don’t like the path I’m on.

    It’s time to start taking this addiction seriously again.

    I believe that I’ve grown quite a bit as person since my last post here and that my relationship with pornography is more healthy than it was. I no longer have any moral qualms about using it or even using camsites like I did at one point.

    That being said, the fact that I can’t quit despite negative side effects or potential negative side effects scares me and how even though my porn use for me hasn’t gone up in volume, I’ve still escalated into something that didn’t turn me on before worries me.

    It’s time I start redefining what sex is and I come up with some values to live by.

    I’ll have to sit and ponder what these values are before I solidify my thoughts and come to any conclusions but I know that in my heart of hearts my current value system and attitude towards sex is not conducive to me leading a healthy sex life or life in general.
     
    axebattler likes this.
  18. Rebel

    Rebel Active Member

    I'm sorry to see you are still stuck in this addiction. We were both here since 2013.

    Since we're both still here after all those years. It means we are doing it all wrong.

    After 10 years from now, we would probably be still stuck here.

    wow, I never thought I would stay addicted for whole 9 YEARS. When I started watching porn as a kid, I believed I would "outgrow" this addiction with time. But I'm still here after all those years and I would probably remain stuck here because nothing really changed, except that I fucked up my life.

    I would do anything to end this shit, but when the moment comes, I will watch porn and wank like it's the most important thing in my life.

    It's really sad to see you haven't ended that addiction.
     
  19. raccoon

    raccoon New Member

    Yes you know really good that this will lead to that way you don't want to sail. Just start over and tomorrow when you wake up try to be better than today. Do it every day, fight, all of us know how hard is it. Write a list what you want to change in your life, take it seriously, you will be better day by day. Share your day with us and keep fighting. I wish you the very best. Bless you!
     
    BruceWayne likes this.
  20. raccoon

    raccoon New Member

    "I never thought I would stay addicted for whole 9 YEARS.":
    I was addicted for 20 years, if you want to know my story:
    https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/for...urnal-after-20-years-strong-addiction.117728/

    And whether you are here for the 4. or 60. times you are doing great because you want to change it! You want to get rid of your addiction and you feel that you should fight. You seek help, and this is why you keep log in here. Just think more positively!
     
    BruceWayne likes this.

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