Bruce Wayne's Journal - Fixing the Broken Bat

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by BruceWayne, Jan 16, 2014.

  1. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Hey guys I figured I'd do a journal or start another one at least. I did one about 6 months ago but never updated it so I figured I'd start off fresh. A little bit about myself: I am 23 years old, graduating college this semester and plan on heading to grad school. I have a job, two happily divorced parents and am an only child. I started viewing porn consistently at around 12 years old however I did encounter it before that when I was 5 maybe 6 and I stumbled upon cinemax one night which was showing soft-core pornography which was stopped abruptly when my dad woke up and saw what I was watching. Shortly after there was a block put on the channel so I couldn't see it again. I had no idea what I saw at the time but what I saw intrigued me. Other than this one encounter with porn I never really saw anything like that again but it took a while for the effect it had on me to wear off. See, I was a happy kid growing up. I was athletic, smart, had great potential really. Never really had family issues other parents getting divorced and re-married then divorcing again, recently. I'm not gonna lie, that sucked but looking back it was for the best. It was when I got access to internet porn at the age of 12 when things really started to take a turn for the worse. As soon as I first saw porn on the internet I was hooked. I couldn't wait to get home from school everyday so could pmo. I did this almost daily, along with watching shows on HBO like real sex, and soft-core porn. Nothing else really seemed to matter. I became obsessed with girls but in an unhealthy way, also. I focused more on body parts and had a unhealthy lust for them that lasted all the way up until now. Once I got into high school I learned how to download videos on kazaa and had websites that I would frequent. I ended up becoming completely wired to porn. During high school I had a couple encounters with girls but I always seemed to mess it up. It was like I had to force myself to interact with them and it always felt weird and unnatural to me which was frustrating because it seemed to come easy to my friends. Eventually I became discouraged and didn't even bother trying to get a gf or anything. It got to the point where I rather just pmo then even try to strike up a conversation with the opposite sex. Once I went to college I still was this way and was also still a virgin. During my freshmen year all my friends decided to help me lose my virginity and were constantly talking to me about it and asked me if I even wanted to have sex. Anywho, here I am today after finding YBOP and this website which was about a year ago. I'm glad I finally figured out what was going on with me and why I had no interest in the opposite sex. I forgot to mention that during my freshmen year of college I had 3 different opportunities to lost my virginity but I just couldn't do it. I had the girls in bed with me, right there, willing to have sex and yet I just wasn't interested enough. I almost kind of feel bad for them because who knows what I kind of impact that had on there self-esteem. They probably thought they weren't attractive enough even though they were plenty attractive.

    Anyways, here I am today after all of that BS. I am a lot happier person now than I was then. Probably because I don't obsess over sex like I used to. I'm beginning to learn how to love who I am, although there are some things I would like to change. I don't think I would be where I am without the help of this community or YBOP and I thank all responsible for both. I plan on updating this journal every chance I get and improving myself as much as possible.
  2. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Re: Bruce Wayne Journal - Take 2

    Well it's been about 12 days since I've last wrote here. Been busy with school and plus my dad had to go in for surgery, luckily nothing serious. I've been really getting into weightlifting the past week. I've always been sorta interested in it but this past week I made the decision to really transform my body. I've always been sorta skinny with a slight build but I always felt somewhat insecure about the way my body looked. It wasn't like I was anorexic looking or anything but I definitely could afford to gain a few pounds. I ended up coming to the conclusion that I don't like the way my body looks and I figure since I don't like it, then I might as well change it. Besides being sore beyond belief I've felt great. Been really pushing myself in the gym and have been taking in more calories than usual. One things that's been helping me stay motivated is watching motivational bodybuilding videos on youtube. I like to watch CT Fletcher, Kai Greene, and Elliot Hulse. All of them give out good advice on bodybuilding and are extremely motivational. Definitely recommend checking them out.

    Another thing that happened to me this past weekend is while out with one of my friends at the bars downtown, I had three different girls show a good amount of interest in me. Now, not to sound cocky or anything but I've always been told I'm a good-looking guy and have always gotten a decent amount of looks from the ladies. Most of the time I don't even notice them checking me out or can tell if their interested. It usually takes one of my friends with more experience than me to point out that a chick was checking me out or flirting with me. I'm usually completely oblivious and that was quite evident this weekend. It's a bit of an ego boost I suppose when this happens but it's also very frustrating because I always end up regretting not making a move on them or opening up with them. When I do talk to them the interaction usually doesn't go anywhere and my anxiety usually spikes beyond belief. It sucks. Here's what happened:

    Girl #1: My friend and I were traversing through the dance floor at the bar we were at and he was a few feet ahead of me. About halfway through the crowd of people this random girl grabs me by jacket and pulls me in to her. She was a little drunk, which probably gave her the courage to do this. She said to me that she thought I was really cute and asked me how old I was. I said thank you and said that she was not bad looking either. That was the end of the interaction as I went to see where my friend went.

    Girl #2: As the night went on my friend and I went to another bar and as we were walking through the place I ended up seeing a girl who is in my circle of friends. I've always had a bit of a crush on her and she has shown interest in me before but I've always ended up not moving through with things. Anyways, she sees me as I see her and she got this huge smile on her face and gave me a huge hug. We small talked for a bit and I told her to text me sometime to hang out. Probably shouldn't have said that as girls usually do not text guys first, its the other way around but once again my anxiety was hitting me like a ton of bricks and made me jumble up my thoughts and words and quite frankly at the time I wanted the interaction to be over as soon as possible because of it. I feel bad when this sort of stuff happens because I don't want to seem like I don't want to talk to the girl, it's just that my fight or flight response kicks in and I feel like I need to get the hell out of there. Really sucks when this happens with a girl I'm genuinely interested in.

    Girl #3: My friend ended up meeting a girl that he's been hooking up with the past couple weeks while we were out. She had a couple of friends with her who were both quite attractive. We ended up dancing in a group at the same bar I met my crush at and while we were dancing one of her friends was slowly making her way to me while making eye contact. I was just casually dancing by myself while this girl ends up dancing right in front of me and ends up basically grinding on me. I wasn't really sure what to make of it because sometimes when this happens and it's a girl I think is hot I usually feel like there's no way she's interested in me. I don't know why I feel this way it's just my reaction to it. Anyways, she ended up moving away from me probably assuming I wasn't interested and ended up dancing with some other guy who grabbed her out of nowhere and was apparently friends with my friend's girl he met up with. While dancing I kept noticing she was still making eye contact with me and had this puzzled look on her face along with a look of disgust because the guy she was dancing with kept trying to kiss her and she kept moving out of the way. Long story short, she ended up texting my friend's girl about me and was wondering why I was acting so weird and said she would not have been opposed to me making a move.

    I really hope this reboot enables me to feel a genuine attraction to the opposite sex because I'm sick of things like this happening. I want my interactions with the opposite sex to feel fun and exciting, not frightening and make me feel like curling up into a little ball.
  3. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Re: Bruce Wayne Journal - Take 2

    Officially made it to 12 days today. This is the longest I've gone without pmo in almost a year. However this time I'm not as concerned about what day I'm on. I'm more concerned about leaving it out of my life completely. These past couple weeks I've gained a good understanding of how porn has affected me. Seeing how my drive for real women is completely non-existent and how my overall motivation in life is lacking has really empowered me. I don't ever want to go back to the life that I was living. I was an unhappy person. Although it might not have seemed like it, deep down I was empty. I would fill this void by playing video games and pmoing every now and then. Instant gratification was my life for the past ten years and I'm ready to move on. I just can't keep living like that. I'm also beginning to think that I've been in a flatline or had zero libido for almost my whole life which was due to my porn use. I think any libido or signs of it were completely caused by my porn use and how I was hyper-sexualized. I could look at a girl and think "wow, I want to f*** the s*** out of her" but when it came time to do the deed it felt alien like and the experiences usually ended up badly. This caused a lot of unhappiness in my life. I always would wonder why it was like this for me. I thought I had this ridiculously high sex-drive and yet sex in reality didn't interest me or at least as much as I thought it would.
  4. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    Keep it up, man. It gets much much easier once you get out of the first few weeks. You'll probably still feel a lot of horniness, but it will be manageable.
  5. I think right now you shouldn't focus so much on girls but rather more on yourself. You know focus on school, maybe start hitting the gym and lifting some weights and building healthy relationships and enjoying being with friends. You know just focus on bettering your life in general first, remember that life isn't all about sex my friend.

    You can do it bro, maybe setting a goal of how many days you want to reach without pmo on your counter will be helpful man. Then you can work up from there.
  6. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Ended up relapsing last night. Was a quick ten minute session. I think part of the problem is being on this forum too much. It makes me think about not looking at porn which then makes me do the opposite and makes me think about porn in general. Maybe, I'll only check this once or twice a week from now on. I spend too much time on my laptop anyways.
    I agree with everything here. You're right. Sex is not everything. It's been preoccupying my thoughts like crazy the past couple weeks. It's really just torture thinking about it all the time in the first place.
  7. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Today I finally took care of something that's been bothering me for years. Something that's caused me to be very insecure about the way I look and how I feel about myself. I was born with a birthmark on the left side of my forehead in the temple region. The type of birthmark it is, is a "port wine stain" and looks just like it sounds, like a wine stain. It's not that big, about the size of a half-dollar. Most of the time when people notice it they think I got hit or in a fight or something or they don't notice it at all but it still bothers me that it's there.

    So, today when I took my dad who can't drive because of surgery to his doctors office, who happens to be a plastic surgeon, I asked him about it and he said that if I don't get it removed soon it can become darker in color and have an effect known as "cobblestoning" happen which made me want to get it removed ASAP. I guess it also puts me at greater risk for glaucoma since it's close to my eye which is also scary. So right after that I set up an appointment for a consultation which will be be followed by the procedure.

    I feel so relieved about this. Looking at this damn thing has been bothering for years. I've been wearing hats and growing my hair out to cover it up for a while now and it'll be nice to not have to feel like I need to do that anymore. Really excited!!!
  8. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I realized something today. I need to change myself. Right fucking now. I'm sick of bitching and wondering what could have been with what my life. My life is not what I want it to be. I've always just sat around in my life waiting for shit to happen. Being a pussy letting my life run me instead of running my life myself. What the fuck is this shit? What have I been doing? Why did it take me so long to feel any kind of urgency? I have one fucking life and I want it to be the best I can possibly make it. I wanna have fun, enjoy myself and do what I wanna do but it's always felt like there was something holding me back and felt I like I couldn't start living until whatever it was that was holding me back was taken care of. That's bullshit. The only thing holding me back is myself. I tell myself I can't do things. I tell myself that there's these things wrong with me, that need to be improved but I don't do shit about it, always giving myself some sort of excuse. I'm sick of being in my comfort zone. Fuck that! You get nothing in your comfort zone. Shit doesn't happen! You never improve yourself staying there. I can't even begin to count how many different things I have read that say just this very thing and I THOUGHT I knew what it meant. To have urgency in your life. To stop worrying and making excuses. But I always would say I'll do it tomorrow. Then I'd say the same thing the next day. And the next day and so on. Until, holy shit! I'm 23 fucking years old, a virgin with a porn addiction about to graduate college with a degree I don't even want anything to do with. Yikes! How did that happen? It happened when I became afraid. Afraid to live. Afraid of meaningless bullshit. Like what people think of what I'm wearing or the way I look or about what major in college I'm pursuing. Gotta change and I gotta change NOW.
  9. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Been feeling pretty good lately. Grades are good in school, been on spring break and hanging out with friends and I've been killing it in the gym lately. I've become determined to change my physique.

    I've also felt some hints of libido lately. Real girls are starting to look hotter and hotter and I'm beginning to feel a genuine attraction towards them not that porn-induced hypersexual feeling I used to get. It feels clean and fulfilling not cheap and dirty.

    My moods also been up and down lately. Sometimes I feel happy and sociable but there are other times where I feel like being alone and become easily irritated. I realize this is just part of the process though and am okay with it.

    I'm really excited to see where my pornless lifestyle takes me.
  10. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Had a wet dream last night which was to some sort of sexual encounter. I can't exactly remember what it was, my memories a little fuzzy. Didn't have a mess in my boxer shorts which was nice :D lol. Also, I woke up with a huge erection in the middle of the night. It was as a big as I've ever seen it haha.

    Another thing is I've had absolutely no problem with pmo urges lately. I just know that I do not want that life back. I want to build a new one.
  11. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I think I'm having withdrawals right now. Hasn't been terrible but I'm experiencing things I've never experienced before. Basically the past two days I've felt numb to everything. I don't really feel sadness or happiness at the moment. I'm definitely better than I was yesterday though. I can't wait to feel normal again. I want the simple pleasures in life to mean something to me again. I miss those days. I honestly have been living in a funk for the past 10 years and have forgotten how great the simple things are.
  12. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Relapsed today after going 14 days since my last relapse. I still feel good about myself though. It's hard to reverse 10 years of brain training and I have no reason to feel ashamed. As they say "Rome wasn't built in a day". Gotta keep truckin'. The only thing that does bother me though is the fact that it could've been prevented. I've been sitting on my ass all day today enjoying the last day of my spring break before I go back to school tomorrow and let boredom get the best of me. I'll have to remember for next time I get strong urges like that to just get up and do something.
  13. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Been feeling really anxious and in my head today. Just been thinking way too much about stuff. I guess it could be because of this past weekend. I had a good chance to lose my virginity with one of my friends in my social circle and it ended up not going so well. Everything was fine between us and going good until one of my jealous friends decided to say something to her on the car ride home from the bar that made her cry. He decided to get pissed off because I was with her and he was creeping on her all night but was too afraid to do anything. What a shitty friend. Who does that? I was having a good time then he decides to blow up not only on her but everyone that was in the car and call them out. Ruined the night and wasn't even necessary.

    Another thing that's been bothering me is the girl I mentioned before. I can't tell if she just wanted to hook up that night or if she wants something more. We've always kind of had something for each other and somehow we ended up together at the end of the night. Our friends always talked about how we were going to hook up eventually. I don't know. I'm probably going to drive myself crazy thinking about it too much. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is just lust or something more.

    I'm also beginning to realize how porn has robbed me of my sexuality. It's really hard for me naturally flirt with women. I literally have to consciously force myself to do it. If I don't, nothing will happen. Hopefully my brain will catch up with me though. It needs to realize that orgasms only come from girls and not from porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  14. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Felt like crap today. Maybe it was because of withdrawal or what. I don't know. Maybe my brains getting irritated with the fact that it's porn harem is a thing of the past. Just feel like a zombie. At work I didn't feel like talking or socializing with anyone. Just felt pointless. I'm also beginning to think that any interactions with females might be pointless right now. I can't feel anything and whenever I do make the effort it just feels boring. I think my brains just too used to hardcore pornography and me spanking it. I seriously can't wait to be further along with this reboot. I want to feel excited for the real deal again. I'm at the point where I'd rather be dead than look at porn again. Using porn all the time is such a shitty pathetic existence. I don't know why anyone would want that. When I think back to my porn days it makes me cringe that I was doing that to myself. I don't ever want to go back.
  15. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    It's been 17 whole days since my last relapse. That's the longest I've ever gone without pmo!!! Pretty proud of myself. I've noticed my mood has been fluctuating this past week. Yesterday I was feeling pretty at ease about things. I even got a random semi-erection when this one girl in my class who's kind of cute sat down next to me outside our classroom. Just her scent got me going! I'll take that as a sign of libido.

    I'm beginning to see some benefits of this process, however they seem to come and go. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a good mood and have very little social anxiety or depression but then there's days where my motivation dips and my anxiety goes up. I've read before thought that it can take a while for moods to stabilize while the brain is getting used to its new direction.

    Wet dreams have also been occurring every now and then, which I see as a sign of progress but I don't really care all that much for them. Especially when they include me watching porn. I usually wake up the next day feeling groggy and have brain fog. I almost feel like how I did before I started all this.

    Other than that though, all is going well. Can't complain. Just going to trust this process and go along for the ride.
  16. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Just relapsed. Seriously crazy how you can almost feel like something is controlling you and you end up looking at porn against your will. It was like something I've never experienced. I'm literally shaking from the experience right now. This is some serious shit. Made the mistake of letting boredom get the best of me again. I'm a tad disappointed right now. I've been doing so well. At one point I thought "I'm never going to look at porn again!". Turns out that wasn't the case.

    I'm pretty sure I know what triggered it for me. I was browsing the web and came across a site that was about luxury high-speed cars and I was going to watch a video on it. The player for the video was the same type of player that one of the porn sites I used to frequent used. Immediately after seeing that I started having flashbacks to watching those videos. Then after that it was like I had tunnel-vision and the only thing on my mind was finding those videos.
  17. Yoda

    Yoda Your a drug addict

    Change takes time. Take it one urge at a time. Don't beat yourself to death because you keep messing up. It's the same with women. It takes time not to care about not getting rejected. But when it comes to such matters as in life you end up regretting what you never tried to do. Doesn't matter the time you get rejected or make an ass of yourself trying to impress a girl. It's never knowing if it could be something more. Honestly each time you approach girls it will get easier. Every time you fail you will look back and say at least I tried. Until you meet that someone special and every attempt will have been worth it.

    I've quit cigarettes so I know at least a bit about addiction. But don't forget this is a community and we are here for each other. A lot of guys here have experience beating this. So do not give up and don't beat yourself up.

    Find what works for you also. It may be humor or a cold shower. It might be both.

  18. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Thanks for the words of encouragement!!!^^^
  19. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Needed to come here and vent a bit. I relapsed again today. That damn chaser effect! It got me again. I've also been really stressed with school lately. I have a lot of deadlines coming up. Can't wait for the school year to be over and to finally graduate.
  20. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    I just had a realization. Even though I already made a post about this in the pornography addiction section, I'm going to write it down here. I have been thinking about sex too much. Way too much. It creates this illusion that I'm not going to be happy unless I have it. It's ridiculous to think about in the first place. Instead of thinking about it, I should be trying to have it if its that big of a deal to me. It serves no purpose to be thought about in the first place. I need to focus more on finding happiness and satisfaction in other areas of my life.

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