Breaking the habit to finally have real sex

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by johnnylea, Jul 10, 2021.

  1. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Hello everyone. I’ve spent the whole day reading these forums and taking inspiration from all your journeys and discussions making me want to begin my own logged journey and make sense of my own difficulties. Any feedback and further discussion would be brilliant and would help as I begin this journey at the age of 37 to cure both PIED and delayed ejaculation which has ruined relationships and one night stands.

    My story pretty much starts at an early age where before the age of ten I accidentally discovered masturbation and the sensation of pleasure. At an early age I was yet to become an addict but every now and again I would touch myself to recreate the feeling and feel the sensation in my body. I didn’t fully understand what was occurring, only that it was enjoyable and I wanted to experience it every now and again. As time progressed I entered adolescence and had pretty much developed a tickle fetish as a teenager and it became the prime source of my sexuality and what I started masturbated about. I remember being tickled a lot as a child and tickling family members as a source of bonding. My understanding seems to be my emerging sexual awareness in myself being transferred into the pleasure of being tickled and the dominance of doing it someone else. Having not been educated in sex or helped to understand what these feelings were it makes sense how I could sexualise such an activity. However it was yet to be a problem, in high school I could get strong erections with morning wood and turned on by other girls. I still remember play wrestling with a female crush and being rock hard at such an activity and where it could lead. At this point I was masturbating on the regular at least once a day.

    My family background is very much one similar to a lot of people here, a dominate mother who’s mood swings were prevalent and ran the household with a an emotionally unavailable father who worked non stop and would usually back my mother up on most things. My younger sister however is much different, married with children and was the apple of my dads eye. Very often they’d go out on weekends and return with whatever my dad had been persuaded to part his money with for her. This was the point where I started to feel an outsider in my own family, all that mattered towards the end of school was my grades and being pushed out into the real world. I felt unloved and couldn’t muster the courage to express my real self due to constant criticism and became a chronic people pleaser as a survival strategy both at home and in life. I retreated into myself and became so anxious to approach girls or see any worth in myself I increased my masturbation and allowed my tickle fetish to fully take hold of my sexuality. By 16 the internet entered our household and an innocent google search of tickling opened the floodgates and I’ve been addicted to watching porn videos since.

    As time went on I came completely addicted to PMO and entered a long depression for most my 20s and early 30s. I viewed women as objects and could only get turned on by a screen and tickling along with my hand. By association I started liking feet and developed a foot fetish although as a porn induced fetish which I’ve managed to calm and push to the back burner as I’ve experienced constantly with streaks to quit. I’ve masturbated so much I was completely unconscious to just how hard and the dreaded death grip has pretty much ruined my sensitivity - although I’m confident it’ll return in time as when I’ve tried streaks before the difference has been noticeable and would be no doubt wonderful if I could just stick it out.

    In the last three years I’ve had four women in my bedroom after finally getting the confidence in myself to date and each time I would suffer from
    ED as my body would only associate my hand as a way to get hard and would shrink as soon as I was ready for PIV. Viagra has been a god send in that regard and works fine no issues, performance anxiety is a key factor where I pray my guy will spring to life and I get easily trapped in my head as my energy rises that direction.

    Of course that’s where the death grip then takes over, I can’t feel anything much when I do perform PIV and most of the time can only finish after a hand job, which can take a while longer than normal. I’ve lost a relationship primary because of this and no longer can this go on. I want to enter my 40s and am determined to do so a sexually healthy adult able to achieve pleasure and natural organism with a woman. For better or worse the tickle fetish from my childhood is here to stay there’s no eliminating that, what I’ve got to do is stop strengthening it over normal sex and learn to use it as a form of foreplay and not over endulge. That means no porn videos or masturbating over it, it’ll always be there and do it’s thing naturally so I need to leave it at that.

    There is much more understanding and points to journal about but that will be for more posts. Right now I’m a day clean and will go from there, in the past I have done streaks and started to feel my sex drive fire up and be turned on by bodies more and sex acts. Keeping my fetish and porn consumption under control is key as it with destroy the rewiring.

    For those who read this thanks for giving me your time and I look forward to this journey from scratch and getting to better places. My issues are very deeply family rooted and understanding that will be a big focus.
    Deleted User, -Luke- and mikehunt like this.
  2. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Some further reflection has come to me during the day on my relationship and exposure to sex as I grew up as a child and understanding how this could affect me to this day.

    To this day I have never had any formal discussion with my parents in regards to the talk. The closest I came was completely embarrassing myself in early teenage years thinking you could still get pregnant using a condom - which is technically true should it split. I misunderstanding came from sex education in junior school - for the record I believe sex education is extremely poor in the UK, I can’t comment about other countries but I feel we leave young people completely exposed and unprepared for their first formative years of sexual activity.

    The only thing I could remember from the talk was where a penis gets inserted and you should use a condom safe sex of course but it never occurred to me or was it explained in my naivety a condom would be removed for making a child or the purpose of regular sex between two people with other contraception used. Of course my parents had never gave me the talk so I took everything as literal. Embarrassing myself asking the question to my parents and having a dismissive response and firmly trying to be corrected my withdrew from the conversation quickly. Up until the first time having sex I was terrified in regards to what I should be doing or how to please someone - pleasing someone i.e. another woman, a theme to reflect on from my parents in another post entry instead of focusing on what I want.

    man other pivotal point was being exposed to a pornographic magazine at the age of under ten by a much older kid. Having seen a naked woman for the first time in a purposely dirty scenario I believe did leave a imprint of trauma somewhat as I never had been exposed to or talked to about sex like that before. I even remember the kid laughing and saying “no need to shit yourself” as my reaction was all telling.

    Body images in my teenagers years stayed with me as well and I was always convinced my penis was too small and I would be mocked for it. Of course kids being kids back then a lot of immature conversation around size mattering was prevelant and I took it to heart which also made me nervous and with draw from any sexual attention. Of course since I have been naked with women and am much more confident and yet to have any comment on my manhood. That has relaxed me a lot and I’m confident naked these days.

    lastly of note I was a virgin for a very long time and I believe the fear of sex has left a mark on me. The fear of not knowing what I was doing for one and being terrified of my first time. Without previous talks or reassurances or explaining the whole thing made me weak at the knees and I would put off the may opportunities for relationships and sexual encounters given to me. I was that scarred of being found out and made fun of by friends.

    Back in those days it was a big race to lose your virginity and boast and hold it over others in that’s to how many women you’d been with or mock others for being virgins. I always kept that side of me quiet and would be petrified if the conversation came to sex and the focus feel on me. Thee were all long term
    School friends and I wouldn’t question any different back then as I was firmly invested in all those relationships. Now I’d drop them all with hesitation if such disrespect was given.

    these are some reflections on my understanding of myself and where I’m at. These things could subconsciously be why my performance anxiety is sky high and I fall at the last hurdle for PIV with partners. I’m
    Rock hard when I kiss or hug or sexually banter over text messages. I can maintain and erect ion from hand jobs and blow jobs but all goes to
    Bust with PIV.

    Of course my belief for a long time was and still is truthfully to focus on the girl and doing whey pleases her - I suppose that’s down to the domineeering mother. I never ask for what I want or really get what turns me on which is my fault. I always compromise and do what a partner enjoys but get turned down on what I like or simply get to caught up in the girls pleasure.

    These all all things to continue to observe in myself and reflect on
    For understanding and to work through. Hopefully they can help over time with getting to where I need to be.
    Deleted User likes this.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Great posts. Welcome on the forum, man. I’m impressed by the way you describe yourself and your background, you have a good sense of observation, you’re very lucid and you write very well too. I also like how you include psychological components to the picture. Finally, you seem to have an excellent mindset to approach your reboot, which I believe is very important as well.

    Sounds like the start of a very promising journey! I’m looking forward to hear about your progress and evolution. Welcome aboard!!
    johnnylea likes this.
  4. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    @Bilbo Swaggins thanks so much for your comments and encouragement. I’ve noticed you about a lot on the forums and that means a lot to help with my thought process and keep me motivated to do well. I wish you just as much luck and success with your own journey and look forward to reading more from you.

    Not too much of an update I’m still clean with watching no porn and haven’t touched myself other than go to the toilet. As it stands I’ve managed to catch any urges I’ve had and acknowledge they exist rather than push them down and cause an eruption of PMO. Observations so far are boredom and avoiding certain emotions are trigger points so these I have to watch carefully, so far so good however I’m anticipating a strong attack at some point to make me crack so must stay strong and determined. The evening in particular is a very dicey time for me as my body clearly associates it with jacking off or being anywhere lying in bed before sleep.

    Originally I wasn’t going to do a counter, however I’ve decided to give it a go and try not get overly invested in the total but use it in passing of that is achievable. So day this week I’ve slept well and work hard gone smoothly and I’ve competed two gym sessions. Still have work to do on drinking booze and the amount of time I spend on my smart phone -in fact once my provider contract ends in September I’m thinking of ditching it all together and going back to a dummy plain old fashioned text and call only model. My on going internet surfing is out of control and clearly lead me to relapsing at any time. Here’s hoping the week finishes strong.
    Deleted User likes this.
  5. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Tonight I had an extremely near miss. I googled porn hub and hit the site bit closed the window before seeing anything. Alcohol is the factor in this as I’m too loose and following impulses, however it’s not the root cause.

    I visited my parents today and not for the first time felt completely ignored. It always starts off ok for the first ten minutes with some small talk, however my parents will both then disperse and go do there own thing around the house...and I’m left sitting there with a cup of tea in my hand blankly staring at a tv screen. My father has asked me for what feels the fourth of fifth time about when my second covid jab is scheduled. I give him the same answer as usual and he takes it on board, yet I know he’ll ask me again in over a week. His mind is very functional and there’s no under lining problem. I have terrible listening skills at time to the point it cost me my last relationship as well as our bedroom issues. I understand why my listening is now so poor at times....I’ve never felt listened to or understood and as a result shut others out when they speak to me. I’ve lived by myself for six years now and not once have they been to see me at my home, yet they will drive over 45 minutes to where my sister and husband live to help with their child. Families can feel awful things at times when a pecking order feels formed. I question is it because I haven’t given them grandkids? is it because I’ve not had stable relationships or got married?

    I always observe myself going far inside myself when I visit. I’ve never felt safe expressing myself in that environment and our connection isn’t there outside of small talk. I question whether this can keep going on, the time to express myself and how I feel feels near yet the fall out is potentially huge. Neither I feel will take this well. My father has never taken to criticism or feedback and will often shut me down or walk off with a hand in the air. My mother will probably be upset and then it will be all about how she feels. I’m still the boy looking to be accepted, which is why I keep repeating this cycle of visiting them weekly looking for acceptance and love.

    Now I understand the women I go for and why I act needy and pleasing/ too nice as I substitute them for my parents looking for love and acceptance else where....specifically my mother as that has psychologically determined the women I want. The relationships or courting phase never end well. They ghost or disappear on me or the relationship breaks down as I don’t express my needs or feelings. This isn’t doom or gloom though, I now see this pattern and understand myself to a point of a light bulb moment. Before I was unconscious now I’m aware and can see.

    my smartphone addiction remains rampant yet I feel more aware when I grab it. Yes I’m on it too much but instead of scrolling aimlessly and unaware, I’m now aware and acknowledge what I’m doing and why. Yet another form of dealing with emotions instead of feeling them.

    Time for bed and a new day to feel motivated for. Work and seeing friends after the fact to keep my spirits high. Whilst the emotions feel consuming and pulling me down the understanding and observation brings a neutralising force that takes the sting away somewhat. Yes they feel unpleasant but no where near unbearable when I was unconscious to any of these things.

    This is very long journey ahead yet I feel there is hope and better days coming.
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I haven’t had serious issues with my family like you seemed to had, but we’ve always had a serious lack of communication. Just like your father asks you the same thing five times, my mother will ask me over and over again where I work and what exactly I do there. Sad but true.

    I’ve taken some distance from my family in the last ten years, and it’s a really good thing. Nowadays, I see them 5-6 times a year, when it’s someone’s birthday, or for Christmas, while they all see each other much more often. I don’t expect them to ask me much about my life, or to congratulate me when something nice happens to me. They’re my family, but I don’t depend or rely on them anymore. If they invite me for a BBQ or a supper and I don’t feel like going, I don’t go. I even skipped their Christmas celebrations once or twice.

    All this to say, don’t hesitate to change the dynamics with your family. If they’re not cool, if they invite you but let you alone in front of the TV when you visit then, if they don’t really talk with you, maybe it’s time for a change. You’re 37, man. You don’t have to listen to your parents bullshit anymore. You can shape the relationship the way you want it to be. If your parents clearly have a preference for your sister, there’s something wrong with them (sorry for being frank).

    Many of us grew in weird families, with unhealthy dynamics. When we become adults, we have to free ourselves from their grip, sooner or later. We can’t stay mommy’s little slave forever. I had to walk that path, and even if it wasn’t always easy, nowadays my mom will tell me "Haven’t heard from you in a while! Your never call me!" with a bitter tone, and that’s about it. They all got used to the new me, they accepted that I don’t call often, that I don’t visit them often, and today I’m happy with that.
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Your conversations with your parents sound just like mine with my parents. It may sound sad, but I have asked myself the question whether I was switched at birth a couple of times. It's strange when you have basically nothing in common with the rest of your family. Just like Bilbo, I feel better when I keep more distance. I always thought it was my obligation since it is my family after all. But if you have a choice between a life you want to live and a life to please others, I think option 1 is the better choice, even though it can be painful.

    You seem to be very aware of how your environment affects you and how past experiences still have an impact on you today. This is quite important I think and a first step to address your problems.
    Deleted User likes this.
  8. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Please don’t worry about bring frank bilbo, your words are echoing what has been swimming around in me for a while and make sense. All feedback is welcome on this journal no matter how harsh. Once upon a time I had skin as thin as tracing paper, however now I’m more open, willing and able to listen to what’s being said. The dynamic is messed up and starting to focus and living for myself is both true and needed. Taking those first steps from now on us where my energy needs to shift. It’s strange that in real life I always have people asking me for advice and what would I do in situation X, Y or Z. I need to start looking more at what I tell another person to do if they were in this situation of mine.

    Thanks for stopping by Luke, nice to meet you and thanks for taking interest and contributing. Yes families can be strange things with their dynamics at times, it’s very easy to get used to the status quo of how they operate and not distance oneself if needed as obligation does rear it’s ugly head.

    My awareness has gotten better since the beginning of the year. Until then I was like a bobbing piece of bottle cork at sea, forever being taken in all directions with no control or understanding how the waves were controlling me. Asking myself two or three times a day “how to I feel right now” in any given moment has helped a lot no matter what I’m doing. It’s helped get used to touching base and creating a thin layer of separation between myself and my emotions. Trying not to judge what I feel and accepting what is has also freed some space inside of me. Instead of judging just accepting and understanding....well this is how I’ve been wired by my environments has helped a lot to take any sting out or judgement.

    In other news my morning wood has returned the last two days, while not completely at 100 percent, I’d confidently estimate I'm at 80 percent and that’s great progress for me. I’m a week in and this gives great motivation to keep the journey alive and well. From next week I’m on holiday for a week from work so getting the right mindset for such free time will be essential, however I intended to get plenty of rest and fun in.
    BoughtWithBlood and Deleted User like this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I’m new to your journal but wow man, what great writing. You are so aware of what’s happing on the inside. You have a great analytical gift.

    It must be hard to feel ignored and not have that connection with your parents. What I want you to know is that they might not be aware of if.

    eventhough the others gave you advice on taking distance. My advice would be to open up about it. Trying to explain in a non-provocative way, how certain things make you feel and how you feel you’re not of equal worth or value to them, as your sister is to them. And what that does with you. How it hurt you that they never came to visit you.

    If they shift the blame or are not willing to truly listen and emphasize with you, you can still take your distance.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m speaking from experience. I went through a similar situation where I felt unloved and unwanted by my parents. Opening up about it and having an honest talk really made a difference and the relationship has never been better. It’s hard but worth it in my opinion.

    Hope this helps!
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2021
  10. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    @BoughtWithBlood thanks so much for stopping by and giving your feedback. My ability to analyse can be both a gift and a curse, balance is what I still crave in this area. My attention has always been in my head from a young age, I suppose that’s the consequence of education at times, the use of the head and not much else. It’s only in the last year I’ve started to feel my body again by doing attention exercises. I might talk about these things in more detail as I go along with this journal. My last partner during the end of our relationship asked me to feel my body more as we got intimate, which was completely alien to me. I have to stay though since I’ve started to feel my body more I’m prone to more sensation and my feelings so this has been a great help to stop running away with over analysing.

    Yes your advice also rings true, I’ve often observed tension in myself in these situations, usually in the stomach area, this is where I carry tension in general . This could well be a cause of bottling things up and not saying my piece. The path to take I feel at the moment is to have my distance in order to get stronger and recover from this addiction and then from a stronger place have this conversation. If nothing changes then distance can remain as you others have advised after the fact.

    The streak still remains in tact and all goes well, although I’ve noticed my sugar cravings start to go up and I’ve lost slight motivation to hit the gym. I’ve read this could be the result of a flat line which in feels like it’s arrived. My morning wood wasn’t as prominent this morning either. Luckily for myself the gym feels almost genetically engineered inside of me so even if I miss a week for example, I have this thing inside of me which will just pick it up again like it didn’t happen. I’m grateful and lucky in that way.

    Last with day of the work week and I go on holiday tomorrow, the weather in Wales where I live is glorious and is set to remain the same next week. An excellent opportunity to enjoy nature and climb some big hills and mountains. I live on the coast and it shows some of Wales beauty away from busy town or city life. I’m grateful I live here.
    BoughtWithBlood and Deleted User like this.
  11. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    This. Try to fight it and it somehow gets the momentum to rip yer head off. Appreciating it being part of you, then moving on, nothing like it. Good job.

    Oh gods yes. I've given up on them, mostly. Getting to that part where I comment the eternal "u never call" with the honest response "ya, because you are the way you are, I don't hate u, but I also can't really stand u".

    Yup. The ability of thinking about oneself in the abstract comes with only being able to do that for some of us. Feeling like a ghost in the halls of your own castle sometimes. Good luck crossing over back into the real. It's possible. Feels like ...something else.
  12. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    The holiday has started well, to say it’s sweltering here in the uk at the moment is an understatement. Whilst I enjoy the sun, I certainly at the same time know my limits and as I write this I’m in the cooler climate of my flat relaxing after being in a beer garden.

    One of the draw backs so far to this as I’ve mentioned is that my alcohol intake has increased and so has my openness to junk food. However I don’t feel bad or too concerned at the moment, right now my body is in a rebellion so to speak over not have an orgasm in 11 days and is acting out in other ways. Like a child in the way it acts, I watch over it and try and look after it as appropriate for now. Therefore I will treat it to these things to help it relax some and sooth it. My chocolate consumption has decreased over the last two days without too much effort, I find the more I lecture myself about should’s and shouldn’t my body says “how dare you” and it escalates. Just eating it and and letting myself become sick of the thing seems to be working and the desire starts to wain. Alcohol is still there but I’m starting to feel in my body a sickness of that too and hopefully by weeks end it should be done with. I’ve yet to be to the gym, fighting the resistance isn’t what’s best right now. Patience is what’s best.

    I've got my first walk pencilled in with friends hopefully tomorrow round a beautiful five mile mountain walk just down the road from me. That I have enough energy and social motivation to attend is enough so I look forward to it should all work out with schedules and circumstances.

    I’ve started reading no mr nice guy for the first time in years and many lessons hit home and hold a mirror up to me. Just noticing my body flinch and the feelings in my stomach have been both liberating and revealing. I acted out on its advise and had some make bonding time with a friend down the pub. I was generous and helped my friend out when his card wasn’t working and brought a couple of rounds for us. In years past I would have done so to prove how decent and kind I was and wrote the whole thing off. I’ve in the last hour forwarded my relevant bank details and told him how much to transfer to me without waiting for him to ask. All reasonable in tone and request of course.

    The most noticeable thing of the day was before departing the pub and a sudden attack of jealousy that flooded me when I saw a good friend of mine and his new girlfriend appear. He’s much younger than me in his twenties and his girlfriend
    is in the same age bracket. I both felt envious of him finding someone and envious of how very attractive I find her -I’ve known her as well before they got together and have always thought she’s a dime. Learning new skills this year has helped me a lot and I did the only thing I could do on that situation which is go completely into what I was feeling once we departed. Whatever my head was telling me I completely shut down and felt my body and the parts where it felt most intense - most notably in my thighs, pelvis and stomach. While the escalation was intense for a few moments, slowly it disappeared and the situation lost it’s hold. I can replay it in the my mind now and not really feel much.

    Of course the situation of them being together isn’t really the issue intact there actually made for each other and deserve to be happy and I like them both as people a lot. In that moment my understanding was a feeling of being
    diminished compared to another’s prospects at this time. Comparison is of course the thief of joy. Yet I can’t deny at the same time as I approach half a life at 40 that women younger than me appeal a great deal. Maybe it’s evolutionary or simply my taste...maybe it’s both.

    anyway I sit here relaxed and quite content with the rest of the day ahead. I’m clean still and have juiced my emotions and feel energised again. There’s no urge to wank in response and that makes me happy.
    Deleted User likes this.
  13. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Thanks for stopping by @dark red drifter vessel, your last quote there in particular speaks so much to me and sums up a lot of what I’ve been searching for and work towards as well as achieving real sex again.
  14. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    It’s been a good few days since my last update. The weather remains ungodly warm and has made moving around unbearable in itself. Spent quality time with friends the last few days, both out walking and down the pub. The good news though is I finally got back in the gym today, it was torture in this heat but I came, I saw and I conquered. Tonight is a chill night after sitting with myself and enjoying my own company.

    Some important insights however. First of all
    I’ve finished Robert Glovers superb No More Me Nice Guy. For all of you struggling with your addiction and relapsing keep in mind Mr Glover openly addressed in the book it took him the better part of six years to complete this book!! Yes he himself while not a PMO addict was an addict to procrastination and not believing in himself at times. He would start, fall off, give up hope but eventually get back on the wave and let go to riding it. Inspiring stuff. Reading the chapter on sexual dysfunction in nice guys opened my eyes specifically that not only Porn affects our sexual
    Function but also fantasy. He Quotes:

    “Fantasy is a form of dissociation - the process of separating ones body from ones mind. When a person fantasises about being sexual he is purposely and actively leaving his body. While some sex therapists advocate fantasy as a way of improving a sex life, it is actually the best way I know how to kill it. Fantasising during sex makes about as much sense as thinking about a Big Mac while eating a gourmet meal. About the only thing fantasy accomplishes is to distract a person from his shaken and fear or cover up the fact that he is having bad sex. “

    Good lord this answers so much for me. No wonder I can’t keep an erection at times, I’m
    Completely out of my body trying to visualise something that isn’t based in reality. This in turns creates crippling performance anxiety and the whole night is ruined.

    My body is switched off and not being nourished by the pleasure or touch from a partner. For years I’ve masturbated to fantasy in my mind even as a teenager before porn. No wonder expectations are like a damp squid during actual real sex. This has changed my whole look on things. There’s further talk about healthy masturbation later in the chapter but I won’t go into that here or want to trigger anyone as it stands. However just feeling sensations during pleasure is a muscle
    I must build, build and build.

    Secondly I’ve always wondered why is it when I see a girl I never feel large arousal or feel a bulge in my pants when I find them attractive. That put massive pressure on me and again contributes
    to a lack of getting it up and my mind literally takes over. Then I remembered though through NLP we are either visual, audio or kinetic on out style. I’ve always learned and absorbed things by doing it’s always been my strongest suit. Therefore my understanding at this
    Point is the actual performance of sex is what I need to get the erection and arousal sky high. By doing. What an insight these last few days.

    So aims going forward are to practise not getting lead astray by fantasies and start accepting where my strengths lie. Hey maybe day after suitable
    Recovery I’ll get a rock hard Boner from looking at a girl but until then being present and doing is where I’m at.
    BoughtWithBlood and Deleted User like this.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Very interesting, man, thanks for sharing. I’m halfway through the book, and it’s an eye-opener. Can’t wait to read the chapter about sexual dysfunctions.

    And congratulations for 14 days, you’re off to a very good start!
    johnnylea likes this.
  16. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Thanks bilbo for your encouragement it’s actually been a very fast 14 days, here’s to hitting 30 in another 14. The sexual dysfunction chapter is fascinating and very eye opening. It was probably the hardest chapter for me to read as it perfectly illustrates why I’m personally here and has held a mirror up to my behaviour in the bedroom. Yet I feel motivated and have yet more understanding of myself to know what I want in the bedroom and not to make it all about my partner.
    Deleted User likes this.
  17. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    My first fall at the fence. I MO’d early hours of yesterday morning. No porn was involved neither was I triggered by anything on my phone. I woke up roughly 5am after a sex dream and my body wouldn’t let up. The inevitable happened, however it’s no big deal. I refuse to judge myself any longer or beat myself up. Doing so just makes the situation avalanche and that carries over to any sexual activity I have with a girl. No sir Johnny still has worth and is back on the horse. The positives from this are I didn’t succumb to porn and I followed Robert Glovers advice and didn’t fantasise. I have to admit there was a big difference despite the relapse.

    Earlier in the night I had met a lovely woman in my local, the sister of a neighbour in fact. She was here visiting for the weekend and we hit it off nicely. So much so I was surprised at the feeling of...well a slight pining once she’d left. I haven’t felt that in a long time and was actually encouraging that I’m connecting with women properly again.

    Well the holiday is nearly over and back to work will keep me busy and distracted. Have my second covid jab tomorrow which will probably further take my mind elsewhere should I experience some slight side effects.

    Onwards and forwards.
    Deleted User likes this.
  18. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    Well...lots to talk about here and who knows where to begin. This could be a jumble of an essay like post but let’s get to it.

    First and foremost I’ve recently MO’d again without porn. That is a positive since my journey so far that porn is pretty much non existent. My masturbation technique though is horrible. Death grip, far to hard, firm and fast it’s a pure recipe to keep enforcing delayed ejacultion . I’m back to zero on the score board but back on the horse and off we go again. I let my urges get too out of control again and got back on the dating apps and ended up having a one night stand on the weekend. Whilst I managed to get a hard on it was only 70 percent in firmness, I had brief PIV sex which is an accomplishment without a pill. I didn’t finish because I’m still not there in sensitivity and ended up needing a hand job to finish. The lady in question was superb though and very understanding, it was what it was though just the one time. I finished her off with oral and she was very complimentary and happy enough. I would have beaten myself up about this at one time however I accept it is what it is now. I can’t change whether I finish or not or get then hard on i want in that moment. Shows I need more recovery and time to myself.

    today however I MO’d I’ve been feeling rough the last few days with a sore throat and tired. I gave in and tried to make myself feel more better. My technique was horrible and I completely fantasied the whole time instead of feeling my body and rewiring with touch instead of being stuck in my head. At this point I believe this is more performance anxiety and poor jacking off technique, getting a hard on by myself shows that my PIED isn’t as server as most cases, I need to train myself that sex isn’t associated with the head and by getting into the body.

    the killer blow today has been seeing my ex with her new boyfriend. It’s been a bitter pill to swallow, it’s the first time in a while I’ve seen her and that was too much at the time. She’s the only person in reflection I’ve ever loved. There’s a part of me that really wants her back but I know my past failure in the bedroom makes it a no go, I doubt she’s ever going see me in a attractive light again sadly, that stuff sticks at times unfortunately.

    My fetish has started to dominate my fantasies again, I need to step back and leave it be. It’ll always be part of me and easy to tap into, I need to stop feeding it as it takes over. Getting used to my body and another persons body is what I need to practice. PIV is what I need to achieve.
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  19. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I think there are already many positive things in your journey so far. I don’t know why you put your counter back to zero, because I understood from your post that you MO’d with fantasy (which is probably not good, but still, it’s not porn). Anyway, numbers don’t really matter. You combine discipline and a good sense of introspection, so I think that things can only improve.

    Letting go of the past is part of the process. That’s what I find difficult: stop reproducing patterns of the past. If we leave our comfort zone, and try new things, while at the same time realizing that routine and compulsion tend to lock us up, I believe there’s a better chance that positive things start happening.

    Keep it up, man, you’re doing good.
    johnnylea likes this.
  20. johnnylea

    johnnylea Member

    cheers bilbo your a good egg. I decided to put the counter back because truthfully, I feel I need a good 30-60 days of hard mode to help with the delayed ejaculation end of things. From there healthy masturbation with light touch and focusing attention on sensation play only is the aim. Becoming conscious to my technique and firmness is the challenge here but I can crack it to get this delayed ejaculation nightmare come to an end.
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