Hello everyone. I’ve spent the whole day reading these forums and taking inspiration from all your journeys and discussions making me want to begin my own logged journey and make sense of my own difficulties. Any feedback and further discussion would be brilliant and would help as I begin this journey at the age of 37 to cure both PIED and delayed ejaculation which has ruined relationships and one night stands. My story pretty much starts at an early age where before the age of ten I accidentally discovered masturbation and the sensation of pleasure. At an early age I was yet to become an addict but every now and again I would touch myself to recreate the feeling and feel the sensation in my body. I didn’t fully understand what was occurring, only that it was enjoyable and I wanted to experience it every now and again. As time progressed I entered adolescence and had pretty much developed a tickle fetish as a teenager and it became the prime source of my sexuality and what I started masturbated about. I remember being tickled a lot as a child and tickling family members as a source of bonding. My understanding seems to be my emerging sexual awareness in myself being transferred into the pleasure of being tickled and the dominance of doing it someone else. Having not been educated in sex or helped to understand what these feelings were it makes sense how I could sexualise such an activity. However it was yet to be a problem, in high school I could get strong erections with morning wood and turned on by other girls. I still remember play wrestling with a female crush and being rock hard at such an activity and where it could lead. At this point I was masturbating on the regular at least once a day. My family background is very much one similar to a lot of people here, a dominate mother who’s mood swings were prevalent and ran the household with a an emotionally unavailable father who worked non stop and would usually back my mother up on most things. My younger sister however is much different, married with children and was the apple of my dads eye. Very often they’d go out on weekends and return with whatever my dad had been persuaded to part his money with for her. This was the point where I started to feel an outsider in my own family, all that mattered towards the end of school was my grades and being pushed out into the real world. I felt unloved and couldn’t muster the courage to express my real self due to constant criticism and became a chronic people pleaser as a survival strategy both at home and in life. I retreated into myself and became so anxious to approach girls or see any worth in myself I increased my masturbation and allowed my tickle fetish to fully take hold of my sexuality. By 16 the internet entered our household and an innocent google search of tickling opened the floodgates and I’ve been addicted to watching porn videos since. As time went on I came completely addicted to PMO and entered a long depression for most my 20s and early 30s. I viewed women as objects and could only get turned on by a screen and tickling along with my hand. By association I started liking feet and developed a foot fetish although as a porn induced fetish which I’ve managed to calm and push to the back burner as I’ve experienced constantly with streaks to quit. I’ve masturbated so much I was completely unconscious to just how hard and the dreaded death grip has pretty much ruined my sensitivity - although I’m confident it’ll return in time as when I’ve tried streaks before the difference has been noticeable and would be no doubt wonderful if I could just stick it out. In the last three years I’ve had four women in my bedroom after finally getting the confidence in myself to date and each time I would suffer from ED as my body would only associate my hand as a way to get hard and would shrink as soon as I was ready for PIV. Viagra has been a god send in that regard and works fine no issues, performance anxiety is a key factor where I pray my guy will spring to life and I get easily trapped in my head as my energy rises that direction. Of course that’s where the death grip then takes over, I can’t feel anything much when I do perform PIV and most of the time can only finish after a hand job, which can take a while longer than normal. I’ve lost a relationship primary because of this and no longer can this go on. I want to enter my 40s and am determined to do so a sexually healthy adult able to achieve pleasure and natural organism with a woman. For better or worse the tickle fetish from my childhood is here to stay there’s no eliminating that, what I’ve got to do is stop strengthening it over normal sex and learn to use it as a form of foreplay and not over endulge. That means no porn videos or masturbating over it, it’ll always be there and do it’s thing naturally so I need to leave it at that. There is much more understanding and points to journal about but that will be for more posts. Right now I’m a day clean and will go from there, in the past I have done streaks and started to feel my sex drive fire up and be turned on by bodies more and sex acts. Keeping my fetish and porn consumption under control is key as it with destroy the rewiring. For those who read this thanks for giving me your time and I look forward to this journey from scratch and getting to better places. My issues are very deeply family rooted and understanding that will be a big focus.