Hello I turn 30 next week. I am starting a journal to hold myself accountable during my self improvement journey. My wife caught me while I was mid PMO during my work hours. She is 7 months pregnant. She feels betrayed, angry, saddened, and confused. I feel pretty disgusting, and realized I need to deal with my issues so I can be a good role model for my kid. The posts on this website really resonated with me, I struggle with a PMO + videogame habit that I started when I was a teenager. While I technically haven't gamed in over six months, I have relapsed and binge watched YouTube videos of people playing videogames. My porn use follows a similar trend as gaming, i.e. I watch more porn when I watch less YouTube, so I think the origin of my habit is out of boredom and procrastination, i.e. both PMO and video game use are ways I distract myself from work stress and anxiety. This creates an endless cycle where I procrastinate from work, feel stressed because my work demands are piling up, procrastinate further etc. Early on in the pandemic, I would smoke weed and then go for hours long walks and runs in the forest, sometimes daily. I hid all of this from my wife and would just pretend I "got lost" or something. My weed use was problematic, but I think it was more about escaping reality and experiencing adventure then it was about the physical sensation of being high. I am over a year sober from marijuana (MJ), but my feeling of success is dampened by the realization that I am just replacing one bad habit for another (ad nauseum). During the pandemic, I was working from home (or living at work, hard to tell sometimes). Working from home (WFH) has made procrastination very easily accessible, and over the last year I have wasted so much time; to name a few: checking Accuweather every twenty minutes, obsessing over every single hurricane during last summer, "doomscrolling" Reddit and Instagram for hours everyday, checking my Robinhood account every hour. At my low point my ability to focus my attention on a task was less than 30 seconds. Things got really really bad about a year ago when I was actually hospitalized because I voiced suicidal ideation to my wife during an argument, and then literally ran away from her. I am really grateful I ended up in the hospital, because I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and have ended up getting some professional help. My wife has been my my rock during this period, just in encouraging me to improve myself and get help, and also sticking by my side despite the trail of shit I have pulled our relationship through. Why have I held onto these self destructive behaviors for so long? I am cutting myself off from ALL these compulsive / obsessive behaviors, and I want this thread to be my way of being accountable. If anyone else is reading this, feel free to say hi. I hope my story can help other people with their own self improvement journey. If no one else is reading this, then its ok, because I just want to do something so I can track my progress. Intentions, I want to be more present, more here, and less aloof. I want to be more caring, show my family that in some ways I can be trusted to make good decisions. Questions, Which behaviors, actions, habits will build up to my idealized persona? What do I want? Who do I want to become?