Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Thanks a lot @Gil79

    day 10
    I’ve had another bad night. My neighbour was on the phone till in the middle of the night, and she is LOUD. At 01:30 I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired and feeling sick and to not being able to sleep was maddening. I went out of bed to pray, asking God to make it stop. After like 30 minutes I realized He wasn’t going to make it stop. He refused to change the situation, but he changed me instead.

    Suddenly I was calm. Put on some cloths, went downstairs, knocked at her door to ask if she could keep it down a bit. She opened up and apologized like 3 times. Went back to bed and no more noise afterwards. I think conquering this fear was really important. The rest of the night wasn’t great either, because of a musquito and pain on the chest. But at least I got some extra hours of sleep.

    Today I had a little slip. With some P-sub for a very short amount of time. Was able to close it down, be accountable about it and do something else. Another victory.

    I might feel like crap physically and mentally, at least I’m making progress!
    Shady and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    So the neighbour was at it again. Her voice is so loud, I can’t even sleep with earplugs or Airpods with some low music on. Went down again. She was a bit annoyed this time but promised to try and be more quiet. I got back to bed and it didn’t really get better. I was so fed up with everything that I was like: “ f*** it, I can’t take it anymore, I’ve been sick for 5 months and I can’t even get some good sleep. I don’t care anymore, I need to feel good”. So I went for another p-sub search of 2 pstars (thank God for good filters so only google safe search at my disposal aka no nudes) I touched myself a bit. And then I just felt awkward. I don’t want to have anything to do with these women, or what they represent. I wouldn’t even want to have sex with them if I could, so why should I then lust after their body’s? It goes against everything I value in life. They make children addicted with their work, they destroy marriages with their work, men get ED / anxiety and other problems by their work, it devalues sex, it supports human trafficking, etc. It’s just wrong. So I closed it down and came here to post instead.

    In the meantime, it seems like my neighbour finally hung up the phone. Time to get some lovely Z’s!
    Shady likes this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 13
    Still feeling like crap. Still hanging in there.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Relapse to p-sub and MO on day 14.
  5. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Sorry about that.
    What's p-sub?

    Keep going.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    P sub is like non-nudes for me. (Pictures of IG babes / p stars in lingerie)

    I think it stands for porn substitute. Less damaging since no fetishes, no hardcore videos no multiple tabs, but still bad.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    relapse last night. Had a binge on no-nudes until I stumbled on a porn clip that passed the filters.

    Looking back, I know where it all went downhill. I lost my focus and vision just before the weekend. I had to bring my gf to the train station early in the morning so I took no time to pray or prepare myself for the day. On the way home there was this girl walking her dog in a tight yoga pants and I couldn’t resist looking. I fought of the urge to turn around and have another look, but since I got home that day, my defenses startes crumbling down. Tiny peaks, Moments of self touching, browsing through non-nudes, then MO, until I was back to my addicted self last night. Luckily the filters prevent me from going all out, but I can’t rely on them to keep me from acting out. It just seems like this ‘snowball’ effect of acting out is a pattern for me. I have a tiny slip somewhere, my mindset crumbles and the urges get bigger until I fall. I need to ask my therapist how to deal with that.

    Today is day 1.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2020
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I believe it’s day 3 now.

    finally getting back on the no FMO/PMO wagon. Last 3 weeks there’s been quite a few relapses.

    I’m motivated to change, however. And I’m going to keep on getting up every time I fall down.
    Shady likes this.
  9. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Welcome back.

    Yes that's the most important thing. Getting up whenever you fall.

    Keep going.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    One of the problems in my thinking is that I’m so focused on the negative. I feel disappointed in myself when I relapse, and I’ve been doing that for such a long time that this has taken over a great portion of how I view myself. It has changed my identity.

    I’m going to focus more on the good things! I’m the guy who quit cocaine, who stopped getting drunk, who started to eat healthy and exercise, who got himself out of shitty jobs in into better ones, who stopped bad relationships and started healthy ones, who quit smoking, etc.

    I’m a conqueror. Not a failure. Just because I haven’t defeated this yet, doesn’t mean I never will.

    I also noticed this in my prayer life. So focused on the negatives. I decided to thank God more for all I have conquered in my life with His help.

    It feels great and I believe this will help me reclaim my mental health.
    Shady likes this.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Haven’t been around much lately. Life has been tough. Wanted to check in though. think today it’s day 7 since last PMO, but I can’t really remember the exact date.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Still no acting out. The cloud of fear / depression / anxiety seems to be lifting slightly. God doesn’t seem so far away.

    Going to the doctor tomorrow for my health problems. Hope things start to look up soon. But even if they don’t, there’s nothing that can keep me from this path to a pure and fulfilling life.
    Deleted User likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Still no acting out. More than enough cravings though! Happy I have accountability software installed cause I wouldn’t trust myself without it.
    Deleted User likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I’m starting to notice some changes. I feel a little more energetic in my mind, if that makes sense. I’m a bit better at finding the right words in conversations. I started writing my own book about a month ago but yesterday I just had a lot of inspiration and made quite some progress. What I wrote was actually pretty good as well and the people that read it really wanted to read more.

    The cravings are still there though. I still have a long way ahead of me but noticing some positive signs is invigorating.
    Gil79 and Deleted User like this.
  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    That's it my man! I love this attitude. This is the only way we can bring some changes. Please post regularly. You are not alone. We are all together in this.

    One more thing, human brain gets excited when it notices progress and starts to release neurotransmitters such as dopamine to keep the one engaged and motivated in which he is making progress. It's very very powerful.
    The title of your thread is 120 days hard mode Journal. Please put some data about your progress in that regard so that your posts become more interesting and encouraging for you and for the readers.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 2, 2020
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Thanks man, appreciate it. I kinda lost track of the days bug I guess this is about 13 days since last PMO
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Is there any progress? The other day I read in a Belgian newspaper the stories of some ex-covid patients who are suffering from a very long aftermath. I hope you're recovering well.

    What kind of book are you writing? Fiction? Sounds like a very fitting time for you to do this. Keep going!
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I relapsed yesterday. Was having cravings for a couple of days and then yesterday my dad had to go to the hospital again. A lot is going on in my family lately which are stressors, but that wasn’t the main reason. I idolized porn in my thinking, like it was something amazing that I had to give up. At first I could say no to the temptations, but my resolve was wavering. In the end I gave in and let my father’s health issues be an excuse to go for it.

    It was weird, there was hardly any pleasure to be found. I could hardly stay erect too. It doesn’t come close to being intimate with a real woman, why do I keep forgetting that? Still, I binged. Not sure why I kept going really. It’s like I just don’t care anymore. Apathy is a bitch.

    The problem is that I found a way around my phone security and it will be hard to restore that security now that I know this. This sucks because one or two weeks from now my brain probably thinks porn is a great idea..

    Thanks Gil79!

    The bloodtest didn’t show signs of covid anti bodies, but the test isn’t reliable so it’s still not 100% sure wether I had it or not. Had a lot of other tests and I’m currently on antibiotica because the doctor suspects I’ve been bitten by an infected tick. Better safe than sorry.

    Photo’s of the lungs were good but I still have to do an astma test. It runs in the family and it would explain a lot if I had it too. Besides that I still feel like I’ve got a burn-out.

    The book I’m writing is indeed fiction. Post-apocalyptic sci-fi.

    Hope you’re doing well!
    Pete McVries likes this.
  19. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @BoughtWithBlood sorry to hear about the relapse. I know it can be overwhelming before and you feel terrible after.
    But as we say, whenever you fall just stand up and try again.

    About your health, hope you feel better.

    Writing a book? Cool!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Been using a DPP IV supplement for my AD(H)D and somehow it seems to help saying no to porn as well. I still get cravings but now it feels like I’m more awake and able to say no. Which is good :)
    Shady and positivef like this.

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