Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 5
    Just woke up to read my bible and this text popped up. I think it’s absolutely beautiful and brings so much hope:

    “This is why I wait upon you, expecting your breakthrough, for your word brings me hope. I long for you more than any watchman would long for the morning light. I will watch and wait for you, o God, throughout the night. O Israel, keep hoping, keep trusting, and keep waiting on the Lord, for he is tenderhearted, kind, and forgiving. He has a thousand ways to set you free! He himself will redeem you; he will ransom you from the cruel slavery of your sins!”

    It’s such a great promise because it’s not about “once an addict, always an addict”. Not about ‘caging the beast’ and then learning to live with it, without giving in. But it’s about true freedom! I know this to be true because God has really set me free from other addictions before. I no longer crave drugs or smoking or getting drunk, ever. He can do the same with this addiction :)

    Have a wonderful and blessed day!
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 7
    More trouble sleeping. o_O

    Think I’ve only had 1 proper night of sleep in the last 3 weeks or so. That was after my peaking from last week. That shows that it has to do with abstinence. Hope my brain will accept this new normal soon and let’s me sleep. It’s just so busy in my head, like I have no break installed for all these racing thoughts.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Just had a slip on some safe-search (so no nude) google images of a p-star. It turned me on but the guilt came with it. Decided to do it away and post here to be accountable and stay committed to recovery. Crazy cravings now. Will try getting out of the house and do something else
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Just relapsed to PMO.
    On one hand I feel pretty sad about it cause I was doing quite well and I dindn’t reach my 21 days no arousal goal.

    On the other hand I feel good that I didn’t PMO for so long. Last PMO was 3 and a half weeks ago.

    It was a lot of effort to be able to look up porn because of all the filters. Don’t really know why I went through with it. Guess I was just really curious after being so triggered this afternoon. It was also pretty disappointing. My old fetishes didn’t really arouse me, which is a good sign I guess. I know that doesn’t mean it’s gone and I have to be careful now not to sink any deeper.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 1

    Eventually PMO’d twice yesterday, which sucks. I still felt okay after the first one but after the second, not so much. Also had a bad night of sleep which doesn’t help either. I’m just so done with all these broken nights. Tired of feeling tired.

    At least I did my exercise yesterday. I need to keep up the good habits!
    Living and Gil79 like this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think filters can be helpful but they can also add a lot of frustration (which can intensify acting out) or maybe even suspense, in which the bypassing of the filters can be part of increasing the arousal. There's a lot of good stuff about suspense written on

    I hope that PMOing took some pressure away and you can manage the possible chaser effect in the next few days.
    BoughtWithBlood and Living like this.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Another relapse, sigh. Luckily it was short and only some Gif’s on the phone in stead of big screen porn binge.

    I’ll check back in when I get myself together and get a few days in.
  8. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Sorry to hear that @BoughtWithBlood

    I know how frustrating it feels and I know how one PMO drags another and another in its wake and you're in an endless cycle.

    Try staying off the internet all together for a while and go out.

    Stay strong.

    We're all in this together...
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 2
    I’m struggling with some terrible anxiety. I read news about corona this morning and I think I wasn’t ready for that. It just hurts me so much what’s going on in the world right now. Also not knowing wether I’m truly immune. Not knowing if and when I’ll truly be healthy again. The realization my family is in danger. It’s all a lot to take in. Then there’s this feeling of guilt about my relapse on top of that. I’ve been praying and listening to calming christian music to help me relax. I just wish I could cry and let it out, but my emotions are so turned inward and my tears so often blocked.

    I guess I’ll take a walk and do some meditation to help me calm down and relax in God’s presence. Knowing he has it all in his hands.
    Gil79 and Shady like this.
  10. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    If you need to cry, then cry. It helps.
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I wish I could man. Often I just can’t though. Especially after a relapse it’s hard for me.

    Day 3
    Mentally I feel better today. I had a good evening with my gf last night, with good talks and prayer. I finally had a good nights rest, slept for over 9 hours. I still feel some lingering stress and anxiety, ready to strike when I let my guard down, but I choose to stand on God’s promises.

    Physically I feel exhausted. Dizziness and overall weakness have come back since yesterday. I’m starting to notice a pattern here. Every time 1 or 2 days after a relapse I have a setback in my physical health. I guess the thrill and orgasm just take a tole on the body, setting me back in my recovery. I really need to remember this to motivate me to stay clean.

    I had a realization yesterday. One of the reasons I’m having trouble getting a good streak going, is because I let my beliefs and values be corrupted. Sure I want to be free, I come to this forum, I opened up to people in real life, I’ve asked for professional help, etc. But if I’m completely honest with myself, I also want to stay an addict. I came to the conclusion that deep down, I’m still the old me. I want to live for myself and whatever my flesh desires, instead of glorifying God with my life and truly loving others. Even when I’m not ogling woman, I wish I was and I feel like I’m missing out. I so crave novelty, I have an amazing girlfriend who is very supportive and loving, but still I want to fantasize about other girls. Somewhere down I wish I could be free and go on the hunt for women. Never to be truly committed never to be truly satisfied and content. I’m actually living like a hypocrite, singing hallelujah in one moment, thinking lustfull thoughts in the next. It is breaking down the way I value and see myself. I’m ashamed of it and I’m having a hard time standing for what I believe in.

    I’ve made some changes to my day. Less laziness and more working on who I want to be. If I feel sick, I can lay down and read something. I don’t need a television or computer for that. They should be tools for relaxation at the end of the day. A reward for when the work is done. Not a lifestyle. It’s important to keep my good habits up and break these bad habits down, one by one, so I can finally be the man I know I can be. The man I’ve always wanted to be. The man that has values and stands and lives for what he believes in.
    Shady likes this.
  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    From my point of view this is something that you will just have to accept. One part of your brain focuses on your short term stuff and another part is more about the long term stuff. The former will always want you to engage I stuff that is probably not healthy for you in the long term (like watching porn or eating glazed donuts with an extra sugar layer) and the latter one says you should do things that don't go well with the short term (like saving your money instead of spending it on another pair of shoes). There will always be conflict there, that's natural. The good things is that this is one of the parts of your brain that you can train like a muscle. So when you make more choices that look at the long term you train that part and the other part gets weaker because you don't train it as good as you used to and also vice versa. But no matter how hard you train, that conflict will always be there. You might not always notice it, but there will always be an alternative. There will always be a part of you that will want things like porn and that's perfectly fine as long as you have trained the long term muscle well. It doesn't make you a hypocrite, it's not something to be ashamed of, it's just something your brain does. I do think that it's good to keep being aware of that though. You can use it as a signal. If you your short term thinking starts getting the upper hand more often, it's about time to make more long term decissions:)
    Shady and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  13. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @BoughtWithBlood I do agree on the dizziness fatigue thing. It does happen every single time few days after relapse but it goes away soon.

    You know if you keep thinking about what you don't have then you'll always feel bad and eventually relapse because this is life. Life is not perfect. Life is full of shit and you have to live with it and move on. Concentrate on the good stuff.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 4
    My sleep finally seems to be improving, in terms of hours that is. Had a crazy stressful dream though. I have them sometimes and they’re probably burnout related. It’s about worklike situations where people leave me alone with way too much to do. Then they expect me to get it done in no-time and everything just goes wrong. Can’t find stuff, I forget stuff, people upset, etc. etc. They’re no fun and it takes me some time to realize it was only a dream.
    Shady likes this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 6
    Had a fairly good weekend. The anxiety is reducing. My girlfriend is noticing the increase in muscle since I’ve been doing some home workouts again. Which is always nice to hear. Only gained like 3 kg after losing 7. But in time I’ll get back on my old weight and fitness. Thinking about going to the Gym again too. Really miss my workouts and if I take it slow and gently build it back up, it will help me recover physically and mentally.

    The realization of my day 3 update has been with me and really helped me these last couple of days. I’m much more determined to stay clean. It feels like I remember where I want to be going, instead of being flung around by my emotions and cravings. The funny thing is, I hardly have had any cravings after. If something pops up, I don’t try to focus on something else to do nor push it away with willpower (both don’t really seem to work for me). I just go to Jesus, submit my thoughts to him and tell him he is the lord over my life. Cravings and unclean thoughts just seem to vanish then.

    When I’m in the car or on the street, I don’t look at women. I just focus on where I’m heading. I do this so I won’t be confronted with this: “Woow she’s super hot I really have to look, I can’t miss this golden opportunity” feeling. If I don’t look in the first place, I won’t have to fight that fomo feeling and use up my willpower to look away, which I could need for another moment. Willpower is finite. Besides, it makes life much more relaxed. Not being in that constant battle of fighting temptations.

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2020
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 7
    My sleep is slowly getting better, which is great! I only woke up a handful of times for 10 to 15 minutes last night. Noticing more midnight boners as well, which is a good sign. I’m getting better in quieting my mind and getting back to sleep. Did have a great deal of sex dreams though. Some were weird and some were about normal intercourse with my gf. I remember two dreams. The first I was behind a pc with some P pictures and a woman was with me. I had to choose, which was hard, but I managed to. I deleted the P pictures of my computer and chose the real woman. In another dream I was with my gf but I had to go out of the house to do something. I met a woman with really big boobs, half hanging out of a tight shirt. She wanted me but I realized she was fake and the boobs were pixels. Besides I was way more interested in my gf anyway. So I ignored her and went back home :)

    yesterday was a day with a lot of stressors. I was trying to work but there was a lot of noise and things going on around me. I was absolutely exhausted afterwards. On the way home I felt tempted to ogle / or use fantasy but I prayed instead and that helped. I’m happy I handled it well and immediately when it arose. Stress is definitely a trigger for me.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Additional update on day 7:
    Today is a good day. Went out of the house to do groceries and thought I’d go to the ‘intratuin’ as well. In english it’s best described as a big gardening mall. Bought a couple of little plants and some other things and with it I made a desert style look on my table. There’s a house with some sand/rocks/driftwood cacti and airplants. Next to that some additional cacti and it looks great :) also cleaned up the table cause there were a lot of cables laying around and such. It’s my computer table. I love how I just did things today. Not procrastinating, finding pleasure in the little things, finishing the work in stead of stopping half way.

    I’m also working on some cuttings and getting plants from seed. Currently getting a mango, avocado and lemon to sprout. Never thought I’d like plants so much :)
    Thelongwayhome27 and Living like this.
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 8
    Sadly I had some very bad sleep again. I feel like I’m hungover. Only had 1 glass of whisky last night, so that can’t be the case.

    Therapy starts today. I’m looking forward to it but anxious about it at the same time, if that makes sense.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Additional update:
    Today is one of the most difficult days I’ve had in a while. I’ve been feeling sick, but went to the psychologist anyways. had panic attacks continually. She was really good though, noticed it and was asking me what I was going through. There’s a lot going on. There’s covid which I’m not fully healed from yet, there’s a burn-out, there’s these panic attacks and then there’s the addiction. She says all of these are intertwined, working together and amplifying eachother. Taking enough rest is very important she says so she didn’t give me too much to do for now.

    On the way home I cried because I was feeling so overwhelmed. Called my sister when I got home. She and her husband arranged this hotel thing with the family to celebrate marriage anniversary. I told her I probably won’t be able to attend, eventhough I want to, because of my physical and mental health atm. I just completely broke down in tears when I told her this. I never really open up towards my family so it was really tough to tell her. I didn’t want to let her down either. She was very understanding though. And I’m happy to be able to communicate my boundaries and what I’m going through.

    Being able to cry today, really made me feel lighter as well. Letting all of that build up tension go was much needed.

    I still feel a bit off and really tired. I need some time to relax now. There are some cravings every now and then but I keep on telling it NO! It got triggered by beautiful woman walking her dog. I looked away immediately but that brief moment I saw her seems stuck in my head. Calling me to flee my emotional distress and feel good for a moment. I’m not going to listen though. No fantasy, no porn, no p-sub, no M.
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Well done @BoughtWithBlood! Take it slow and be patient. Things will turn out good again. Strength to you!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.

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