Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 5

    Today I feel motivation to change my life. Last night was a tough night with some bad dreams and restlessness. Praying helped a lot and I felt a connection to the Lord again which I haven’t felt in a while because of my relapses. I decided to speak out over my life, in prayer, all that I will become. Healthy, focused, free from anxiety, free from addiction, fit, etc.. This changed something in my heart and mind.

    I still feel anxious and my lungs still don’t feel great. I still feel tired and burned out. But I no longer wish to go through it passively. I’ve been wasting so much time on videogames and tv series and just laying around. Just because I was afraid of pushing my recovery too far and falling back into feeling bad. It’s okay to rest and it’s okay to relax, but I shouldn’t start with them. I should focus on increasing my fitness and conquering this dreadful anxiety.

    Was also watching some videos off Gabe Deem on youtube which gave me a new motivation for my reboot. Been reading LTE’s journal too and it’s a good one! I think @Gil79 quoted it in his journal. Thanks for that mate, it helps me :)

    Anyone else has been struggling with anxiety/ stress / worry during reboot? Any tips in this regard are welcome.

    Have a wonderful day!
    Shady and Living like this.
  2. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I believe that after a burnout, but also in life in general, rest is very important. But I'm not sure if video games and modern day tv series will give you the best quality of rest. You can actually do restful things that don't make you feel like you are wasting your time:)

    As for anxiety/stress/worry: hell yes! In my case I think the reason I watch porn is in a big part caused by anxiety/stress/worry, so to me that's the main thing that I'm working on. There are several things that help me with that: meditation and overall mindfullness, progressive muscle relaxation, running, getting accustumed to small habits, doing my 'three good things'-journal, trying to do things I really enjoy, not watching the news and limitting my phone use. Besides that I see a therapist which also helps.
    -Luke- and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    This sounds great! I’ll download it once my GF and I meet. She has the password to the app store.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 6

    My relationship is under stress. My girlfriend feels like there’s been too much weight on her shoulders lately and she’s currently not happy. She wants to talk to me about it this evening. I feel stressed and anxious about it.

    Today my old laptop will be delivered home after repairs. It will have a fresh install of windows so no accountability software or content blockers whatsoever. Have to resist the temptation to use it. If I don’t touch it at all, I can’t look up P. I’ll have to try and sell it asap.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about girlfriend. With all due respect, I do think you might have put too much weight on her shoulders by making her such a big part of your reboot. I understand why you did that (I have done something similar in the past), but she probably has her own fights too. Sure, you want your GF's support, but with an issue like this it might not be fair to ask so much of her.

    On top of that, I think we often have quite unrealistic expectations when it comes to our reboot and that makes it hard to be really honest to those we confide in. We want to completely let go of porn and are in fact really motivated to do so, but how many of us were able to do that in one or two tries? While I seem to do well now, I have been struggling to get to this point for years and years. It's not just porn we are fighting, but often it's a way more complicated combination of issues that we have build up over decennia.* I mean, you being in a burn-out for example, that's not going to help you. A reboot does not just entail giving up porn, but it often means making major changes to your daily life and changing some fundamental ways of how you look at your life and yourself. And while you get a lot of advice here, there really is no guidebook that just walks you through. Learning what works for you takes time too. And I don't think that's something we think about when we tell our partners how we have finally decided to give up porn.

    *In my case I'm not even 'fighting' porn anymore, it's 99% the other things.
    Pete McVries and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    It’s not just me putting it on her @Living she also wanted to know everything and I just decided to be honest and not keep anything from her.

    Just cooked a yellow curry with chicken thighs and lots of vegies and took it to her place. Also brought flowers :) she was happy she didn’t have to cook after a long day of work and little sleep. We had a good talk and things are alright again.

    Some good points on being honest about our expectations. I also named it in the conversation that I’m really motivated to become free, but set backs are sometimes a part of the process. She was understanding.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2020
    Living, -Luke- and NewStart19 like this.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 7

    Formula 1 started again, this makes me happy :) I really love watching the sport. Just watched the training, but I probably shouldn’t have done that laying on the couch with my hand in my pants. I got really horny and had P cravings. Made it through though and it seems to have vanished now. Nevertheless, I should remain vigilant today.

    I’ve been struggling with insomnia lately. Trying breathing techniques, body check etc. To fall asleep after I wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s like my body is really tired and I can’t open up my eyes, but my mind is racing and awake. Hope it will stabilize soon.

    I feel lethargic. Guess it’s time for a shower, I always feel lethargic if I don’t shower immediately after I get out of bed. Finishing cold should help me gain some energy.
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2020
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Had a little slip just now. Couldn’t get my lazy ass to the shower, ended up browsing youtube. Nothing too explicit, just a guy doing some pranks and such on the street. Got aroused by some girls in tight leggings. M’d for a couple of minutes. Almost O’d but stopped just at the end. Closed it and went for a shower.

    I’m happy it wasn’t a porn binge but somehow I keep sabotaging my reboot with this kind of behavior. I’m trying to get back to the No Arousal mindset but I’m finding it really difficult. I’ve also been having problems with ogling. Often I can avoid it or just appreciate beauty and then look away, but sometimes I look a bit too much.

    I think I should add another habit: Taking a shower as soon as I get out of bed. It really helps against laziness. I don’t think establishing this habit next to the one of more physical workout will be too much at once. Will have to keep focus so I won’t neglect either.

    Have a good day!
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 10

    The insomnia is getting crazy. It’s really annoying. It’s really affecting my daily life because it leaves me super brainfogged.

    An app on my phone turned out to have a browser where safesearch wasn’t enabled. Luckily I couldn’t watch any movies or open webpages, only smaller pics and gif’s. Searched quite a bit but didn’t go for a full PMO. Closed it after a while and deleted the app.

    Should I reset counter? I’m not really sure.
  10. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Perhaps I was a bit harsh, but I honestly think it´s (even if we don't always realize it) quite a lot to let your partner deal with. I perfectly understand you want that and I perfectly understand that she wants that and in a perfect world that should be enough. But when I look at my own reboot and all the ups and downs and when I look at all the other guys on here, I don't know. I mean, ofcourse I would support my GF if she was in a similar situation, but looking at my own situation I can totally understand that it can become too much. But ofcourse we all have to make that decission for ourselves.

    Do you think it would help you? There are times when you should be strict with your counter and times where you need to give yourself a break. I personally use a counter mainly to get some momentum going when it's needed, but also realize that using a counter can be really demotivating. If you feel like resetting your counter gives you a boost of motivation, then by all means reset it. But otherwise I would leave it be. Sure, both slips are troublesome, but things haven't gotten seriously out of hand. In fact, in both cases you decided to stop before you went all the way. As long as you don't make a habit out of that, you might consider it progress. What might be an idea is to make a deal with yourself that if you have do any more edgy behaviour over the next 10 days or so you will reset it straight away.
    -Luke- and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 1

    Decided to reset my counter after I had some more edgy behavior. It wasn’t as bad a relapse as a full out porn binge. Didn’t O for example. But I definitely noticed the dopamine surge during the day. Besides, if I think this is okay, I will keep on doing it throughout my reboot and that will probably slow down my reboot tremendously.

    Lately I’ve been having more sexual moments with my gf as well. This usually leads to more urges in the day(s) after. Especially this weekend. We had multiple moments of arousing eachother. Since she was on her period, she proposed anal sex instead. This is one of my morphed sexual tastes because of porn so I got quite the dopamine surge. Eventhough we thought it was arousing and we liked how it felt physically, it didn’t feel right spiritually. I decided not to O, to prevent damaging my reboot and we stopped. We felt guilty towards God afterward since we decided not to have sex anymore before marriage. Especially the way we had it, felt more wrong than regular intercourse. It was more arousal/lust than bonding. So we prayed about it and decided to recommit ourselves to the original goal of no sex before marriage.

    The situation got a bit stuck in my head though, leaving me aroused since. Even now writing about it, urges come up strongly to think about it and MO.

    Another reason why It’s hard to go hard mode Is because I feel like I have to be ‘available’ for her. When I’m determined to go hard mode, I don’t look at her body and I don’t touch and kiss her as much to prevent arousal. That makes her sad. Also, when I enter a flatline, I get emotionally more distant which she notices and that pressures us as well. I think that subconsciously I’ve been avoiding the hard mode and flatline to prevent her from feeling sad and rejected. Realizing this is important, now I know what I have to talk to her about.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think it is better to just O, whether it is with your girlfriend or with your hand. This might seem the worst advice ever given on this board, but I think it is way more detrimental to stay in this touchy, edgy, kind of mode. In the far beginning, when I first started rebooting, I basically did everything except for O-ing. I was completely saturated with fantasies and edged every time I was under the shower. But because I didn't O, I felt good about it and sexually energized all the time (mistakenly taken for nofap superpowers). It is important to keep in mind (at least that is how I understand and see it) that it is the dopamine, the search for novelty, the suspense, the delaying, the high arousal state, that feeds the addiction and that builds sensitization highways in your brain's reward center. I think it is sensible to keep having sex with your gf, in that way you focus on connection and rewire in the right way. It can even take the pressure of when you O. You just have to sit out a couple of days of chaser-effect afterwards. Hard-mode might help at a certain point for a certain time, but it is also really, really hard.
    Living and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Was just praying and thinking, and the 120 days hard mode is a mountain too high right now. My new goal is 21 days no arousal. Longer than what I’ve achieved since starting this journal but not too long to not be able to see the end. After those 21 days I’ll set a new goal.
    runningforfreedom likes this.
  14. Joost

    Joost Member

    I doubt God wants us to stiff-neckedly trying to not look at our partner or avoid physical contact. Clearly lust is the problem. One can look at a (naked) woman and perceive her beauty without feeling the arousal of lust. Apparentely nowadays hardly anyone can. Just wondering and correct me, for I have never been in a relationship, but isn't there something as looking with the eyes of love and touching someone from the heart? Isn't that a wholy different feeling. Isn't that what overrules the lust?

    Living likes this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    @Gil79 thanks for the input. You got me thinking. I really believe I have been ‘self medicating’ with the peaking and M lately to keep a certain level of dopamine up. I’ve learned myself to see O as the enemy, since that’s when I usually feel bad afterwards. This is probably just coming down from an unnatural, pixel induced, high. I guess you’re right and I’ve been mistaken a dopamine high for nofap benefits.

    @Joost I think you’re right, but in my current state of addiction that’s too hard. I need some time to be able to separate the two.
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I don't know about this. I understand that this is part of your religion, but I really don't think guilt is going to help you. We put enough guilt on ourselves already. Besides, I hope that us destroying the world he created will be a bigger problem to God than the two of you boinking before you say 'yes' to each other. But I guess that's just an agnostics point of view;)
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I see where you are coming from @Living it’s just that the bible teaches that marriage is sacred. A safe place where both parties can enjoy sex without having to worry about one leaving the other, or getting pregnant, etc. It also bonds two persons together, the bible says that two actually become one. That’s why so many people are heartbroken when their relationship falls apart, they were actually joined together. Sex before marriage to me, is wanting the pleasure but not the responsibility nor the commitment. Therefor I see it as selfish and not a show of truly loving her, because I’m still keeping my options open. Setting up a situation in which I could possibly break her heart (Or one where she might break mine). She is God’s child and He only wants what’s best for her. So by doing so I’m hurting His heart by not loving her to the best of my abilities. That’s why I felt guilty, knowing he only wants what’s best for us but taking advantage of the situation.

    1 Corinthians 13:4-7
    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    My parents divorced and so I have always thought of marriage like a joke. But since my wife and I decided to have children, I found it a very logical step to get married as confirming the bond that we're life partners and we will do everything in our power to make our relationship work and create the most safe, healthy and stimulating environment for our children as possible. This feeling has never changed since. I really see marriage as something beautiful and sacred now as well.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 2

    Today was a good day. Had some horniness and desire to M but didn’t act out :)

    My energy and health are restoring, I can walk for 30 minutes now in a good pace without getting an aching body or shortness of breath. It might not seem like much but since covid I really had to build it back up. Haven’t been this fit in months! Doing push-ups daily and I’m starting to feel stronger again. My burn-out symptoms are reducing as well. I can handle stress and social situations better. This makes me really happy!

    Had an intake today with the professional that’s going to help me in my fight with pornography addiction. It was a good talk and on the 22nd of July the treatment starts!

    It’s also been around 3 weeks since my last porn binge so I’m starting to see some results from that as well. More masculine feel, more aware, but mostly sharper of mind. I can remember things better. I like this.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 4

    Just checking in. Feeling lethargic, probably due to bad nights rest. Not a whole lot of cravings or temptation, so all good.

    Since I’m reducing porn and O I’ve noticed I’m fantasizing quite a bit. Not sexual, but like brief periods of vivid imagination / daydreaming / fantasy. When it happens I try to refocus on where I am at. Trying to live in the present more.
    Gil79 and NewStart19 like this.

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