Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Do you know what triggered those urges yesterday?
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    The only things I can think off:

    1. Knowing that porn was available since I found a way around the accountability software. A little voice kept repeating the possibility in the back of my mind
    2. Sexy moments with my GF during the weekend maybe had something to do with it. Massage / kissing / carressing / touching.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Had a relapse today. The chaser effect was way too strong and I couldn’t get my mind off lustful thoughts.
    That makes this Day 0
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    It’s good that you’re learning about what the triggers are and how you can potentially head them off. It’s only very recently that I’ve started to pay attention to that myself. Some of them are really subtle!
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah, don't be like me and wonder why you relapsed when it's the same each time!
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Had another relapse yesterday.
    Today is day 1

    Working on making my home a safe environment.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the slips. We all can get stuck in these cycles of slip and it just plain sucks. What often helps me is getting back in touch with why I am doing this reboot and what do I want my life to be. I need to focus on where I want to go, not what I try to leave behind.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Wise words @Living thanks! I guess that’s exactly what I need to do.

    I’ve found another way to pass my time. I’ve bought the book of ‘the lord of the rings’. I never read it, but I’m a fan of the movies. I like it a lot and the reading helps me focus and since I bought the english version, it will help me increase my english skills.
  9. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    If you manage to make it through the trilogy, I recommend reading The Silmarillion after. It can be pretty content-heavy at times, but I remember that being my favorite Tolkien book. It helped reading it on a kindle because its search function allowed me to quickly refer back to any character/place names that I had forgotten, of which there were plenty.

    I recommend establishing a time and place for turning off and putting away any IADs (internet accessible devices). This simple action has been working wonders for me.

    Take care
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Just had another freaking relapse after I was doing so incredibly well the whole day. Was laying in bed, couldn’t sleep and figured I could do some things on the laptop that I still needed to do. Just plain stupid that I ignored God who was silently warning me not too. It was a bad relapse too, went back into my old fetishes that I do not even like..

    Because I couldn’t sleep anyways I decided to add a couple of layers of protection to my new macbook. It’s like a freaking impenetrable fortress right now, which does feel kind of good though. I think I really thought about everything this time. 2 filters in place. Router on a safe DNS. impossible to install VPN’s. Everything automatically set to safesearch. No possibility to acces the laptop at night. No possibility to acces another wifi point (like for example a Mobile hot spot) No possibility to change or alter anything since I’m not administrator, my GF is. Everything is set in place, she just needs to change the passwords when she gets over this weekend.

    As for my old laptop, I’m going to completely clean and empty it and set a fresh windows install on it. Then I can sell it.

    Hope this will help me get some peace of mind. I really need to focus on where I want to be heading and who I want to be. The possibility of peaking is constantly on my mind and it’s really annoying. Time to go for the no-arousal method again once all is done.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  11. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Sorry to hear about the relapse but glad to hear that you responded afterward by implementing concrete changes to be less at risk in the future.

    Keep up the good fight.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    After a first relapse I always find it difficult to get going again. The cravings are so high and the willpower so low. It think the filters area wise thing. Hope you sell your windows laptop soon, cause I see an opportunity there :p. I really think that you have set-up the perfect conditions to recover (YBR, talking to gf and church friend, and soon the therapy). Now it is also a matter of being patient with that. Keep the spirit high!
    NewStart19 and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Just FMO’d after checking insta. I don’t know how to get started again. All I feel is restlessness and horniness and somehow I stopped caring too. Then when after I relapse I feel chill and focused for a little while until the restlessness comes back and I start to feel angry at myself.

    Think I should set some time apart for prayer and reread my own journal, to remember why I’m doing this.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 1

    So I started my day with meditation, prayer and listening to worship music. I think that was a good choice cause I have no cravings now.

    I feel the pain of my missteps and I’m confronted with how selfish I’ve been behaving this last one and a half week or so.. it’s important to feel this. It reminds me what happens when you just give in to your urges. There are a lot of thoughts and things I’m struggling with. It’s good to know I will be getting professional help soon, I believe I really need it.
    Shady and Gil79 like this.
  15. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That is an interesting point. I guess it is not intentional, as we're just feeding our screaming reward center with dopamine to keep it quiet, but the net result is indeed quite selfish to the people we love and interact with. I don't think it should be a motivation to quit though. Our motivation should be to give ourselves a better live. And also that sounds selfish and maybe we should even be selfish in a way and accept that for a while we can't give to others what we want to give to them. When I make a priority list, my number one is really my own health, because that is the absolute most important thign I need to be able to be there for my wife and children, and others in the long run. Sorry, if this doesn't make sense what I write here, just a train of thoughts. I think it is an interesting point about the selfishness. I have never gave it so much thought, but will do so today :). Keep going!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 2

    On a more positive note: my strength and energy are restoring. I’ve been gaining weight again, which I really needed :) work is getting better and focus is improving. I’m really liking the LOTR books so far, halfway through the first part now.

    I have some cravings today, flashbacks of the instagram profile. Praying helps when they pop up.

    @Gil79 interesting thought. What I meant with selfishness was not taking good care of myself to be there for my loved ones. That’s more like a condition and a form of healthy selflove. For me it was an unhealthy form of selflove. And by doing so, I was taking the love of those I care about for granted and not caring (enough) about them, nor was I taking my own mental and spiritual health seriously.
    Shady likes this.
  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Another relapse at the end of day 3.

    Was fighting off urges that kept on coming for hours on end. Weird cause I did my morning meditation and all. Was doing well at first until I peaked. Closed. Peaked. Closed.. got into an argument with my GF and I just felt rejected and not good enough by the things she said. It made me angry and I just wanted to factory reset all my devices so I could watch porn. Didn’t do that, but did binge on the non-nudes and MO’d

    I did write down the websites I was able to visit. Now I can block those as well..
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 3

    Have been struggling with little sleep these last few nights. My relationship is under stess and my girlfriend is constantly sad. I’m feeling sick. Don’t know if I’m getting sick again or withdrawal. Or maybe it has to do with the lack or sleep.

    The good part is that I haven’t looked at porn for 10 days or so. Hope things will get better soon.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 4

    Just slept for like 10 hours. I needed that! Not feeling as sick anymore as yesterday. Not completely fit either.

    Last sunday there was a great sermon on our church’ livestream. It was about reaching your goal and the tools needed to reach it. One of the things he mentioned was good habits. I have fallen in the trap of trying to change too many things at once, over and over again. I do it for a couple of days or weeks until I run out of willpower. Fail on one of the things on my list and then like a cardhouse it all comes crashing down. His advice was to change one thing at a time. Until it becomes a habit. Then you can change something else until that becomes a habit. And so, you can slowly but surely change your life for the better to help you achieve your goal.

    I’ve decided to take his advice. I will start walking every day again and do some push-ups every day. That’s all I will change for now until it becomes a habit. That’s when I can add other things into my daily routine.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I think that's very on-point. I think most of us here have been at that point where they want to change their lives so bad, they were really motivated and that they wanted to change EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!!! And while that's not a bad thing in itself, it just doesn't work like that. In fact, if you want to make structural changes that's probably rather ineffective. And because we fail to reach these these unrealistic goals, we feel bad about ourselves. And when we feel bad about ourselves and blame know the rest of the story;) The changing habits one (or two) at a time has really helped me to positively change my life. Wether it's with exercising, meditation, doing positive things, flossing your teeth daily: just start with something that's realistic. And it's not just bringing the good thing into your life, but also the feeling you get when you can keep up that habit. You actually cultivate a sense of accomplishment, which is something a lot of us could do with. And the best thing is: I might PMO tomorrow, but I still have all those good things that I brought into my life. They don't dissappear.

    If you find it hard to keep up a habit, there is a simple app called Habitica which I found pretty motivating. It's like an RPG where keeping up habits gives you upgrades.

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