Breaking free - a 120 days hard mode journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by BoughtWithBlood, May 5, 2020.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Perhaps this is part of the issue, not allowing it enough time? I know that it's insanely boring, but it's not worth burning out completely. I won't pretend that I know anything, though. Whatever it is, I hope that you get better.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry to hear things are so tough. Wouldn't it be better to call in sick from work for a while? Respect for the steps you have taken in getting professional help. Strength!
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  3. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi BWB,

    Sounds like it’s pretty tough at the moment, so hang in there man!

    Eternity posted:
    Perhaps this is part of the issue, not allowing it enough time? I know that it's insanely boring, but it's not worth burning out completely. I won't pretend that I know anything, though. Whatever it is, I hope that you get better.

    I think its really important that we learn patience with the process as it may take some time and involve a lot of frustration along the way. I think the mistake I made in previous reboots was wanting it to happen to quickly and then giving up too easily when I relapsed. All the P use has wired us to expect instant gratification and so I think this spills over into the reboot as well.
     
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah, very good point. I would think this may be one of the biggest problems I have as well. I don't understand how long it actually takes to heal for real.
     
  6. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Too quickly and too perfect. At least for me.
     
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 16

    My mood is okay today. I make jokes and I’m being my joyful self. I love making my GF laugh with silly things.

    The waves of anxiety are pretty heavy though. They’re probably related to how I’m feeling physically. Extreme fatigue and shortness of breath at the moment. Really don’t want to leave the house. Guess it will be better soon.

    I started forcing myself to eat more. Need to get some weight back on. And it also helps against the dizzyness. Bought a weight gainer to help me in between meals.

    Bought a new keyboard too, since my old one was really old and needed to be replaced. Bought a nice mechanical one from Corsair which is supposed to be great for typing and gaming. :) Guess I’ll try it out tonight.

    Not a lot of cravings at the moment. Sometimes a wave of horniness coming over me but it’s gone in a matter of seconds. No real flashbacks so that’s a plus. Have been noticing some increased libido and erectile health when I make out with my girlfriend, these last couple of days. Probably won’t be long until I hit a flatline, but that’s fine. Trying to go ‘hardmode’ as best as I can anyway.
     
  8. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hang in there with the anxiety!

    I was gettting that a lot, although it seems to have decreased a lot over the last few days.

    Have you been able to get out for any short walks? You mentioned earlier that you didn’t have the energy for it, but sometimes if we can just start walking it can give up an energy lift.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Yes I’ve been walking quite often. Maybe not every day but at least every other day. Once my energy levels increase and more importantly, when I’m no longer as dizzy, I’ll try building it up again. First I need to gain some weight though.

    Happy to hear your anxiety is decreasing :)
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 17

    Had to fight off some cravings today. What triggered them was me laying on the couch, watching a movie with my hands in my pants.. not the brightest idea, but I have the tendency to pretend I’m in safe waters whenever I’m a couple days / weeks sober. I touched myself a bit and it felt good. My worries, anxiety and other negative emotions seemed to vanish and the porn flashbacks came in.. I did not indulge in them, nor did I masturbate. But I did not really stop touching myself either for like 5 minutes. After a while I noticed I was in a way ‘selfmedicating’. Not dealing with my emotions like I should. Not behaving like the man I want to be. That gave me the strength to stop. Cravings to look at something.. anything sexual lingered. But thank God I have accountability software in place!

    The cravings are gone now but the anxiety keeps coming in waves. I just find it really hard to deal with these emotions I’m feeling. There’s so much going on in the world at the moment. It saddens and worries me. It’s hard to keep on casting my cares on Jesus and trusting in Him. I’ll just have to press through some more. Things will get better.
     
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hang in there! Do you think that meditation or yoga could help with the anxiety?
     
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I’m not meditating enough, will try and pick the daily routine up again tomorrow.

    Do want to focus less on my breathing though. It can lead me to being too aware of my breathing during the day, which can actually cause some anxiety instead of relieving it. Bible meditation usually helps me best. Like taking one little bit of scripture and repeating it to myself again and again while trying to really grasp what it means. I find that usually gives me a lot of peace.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 18

    Last night I had some trouble getting to sleep. Ended up opening the twitch app on my phone, browsing through the streamers. Used it as a P-sub to look at some female streamers. Also M’d a bit. Didn’t O and after a while managed to put it away and uninstall the app. Just woke up and can notice I did not have enough sleep. Had a restless night with weird dreams and now I feel a bit dopamine hungover. The cravings to indulge in a P binge are soo strong now. I know I will feel like absolute shit after I do, but the moment of indulging seems so incredibly appealing at the moment. Would I really be willing to pay a week of feeling like shit for a fleeting moment of pleasure?

    Wanted to post here before doing anything else. Going to meditate now. Hope that will reduce the cravings.
     
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I remember long ago when Twitch was a safe place. Now it hardly seems better than some regular live cam sites. Maybe the Internet isn't for us.
     
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Found a way around the accountability software.. opened up a p website. Searched but didn’t really look cause I thought it was kind of weird. Closed it down. Opened google images and peaked at some Non-nudes. Closed it down.

    Texting with my girlfriend about what I’m going through. That helped me ease my mind. I feel a bit better now.

    It’s weird how you can look at it and don’t even like it, but still feel the urge to search for more.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    About the breathing, here's an interesting news article (you speak Dutch right?): https://www.trouw.nl/leven/ademhalen-leer-je-niet-uit-een-boek-daar-is-het-te-complex-voor~b3183afa/
    When I do my breathing exercises, I have a lot of breath during the day, but when I don't I often tend to hold my breath. Stress and anxiety I guess. This news article is about breathing therapy. It sais that most naturally people breath 4s in 6s out and then a short pause before repeating. I have been trying this the last week and it really helps. I have been doing it at work, in the car and cooking. Besides it is a nice way to keep you mindful. Maybe something like this works for you as well. Btw I also read a news article that 90% of ex-covid patients (who were not hospitalized) are after 2 months still suffering from fatigue, low energy and reduced lung-function.

    Very familiar . . .
     
  17. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @BoughtWithBlood I can relate. If I look through Instagram, my cravings get stronger the next day. But you have to stay strong. Don't start looking for porn.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    That’s a good read, @Gil79
    I usually just breathe in for only 1 or 2 seconds. Maybe this also has to do with shortness of breath that I’m having since covid. Been trying the 4s in 6s out, pause.. today. And it’s relaxing.

    I managed to stay away from porn. Eventhough the cravings were killing me. Huge victory so gave myself a pat on the back and allowed myself to be proud of me and be happy about it. That works far better than focussing on the little missteps.

    Anyone here has a macbook/ imac? I have a windows laptop bit it’s too easy for me to bypass filters. On my Iphone it’s really hard to bypass and every safety measure I put in place, actually works. That brings a lot of rest when using my phone and I would like that for my laptop as well. It won’t help me if I’ll buy a macbook and run into the same problems though. Advice is very much welcome!
     
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2020
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Almost made it to day 20..
    Had urges the entire evening. Was able to hold them off pretty well, even though some waves were pretty harsh. When I was just about to go to bed another urge got me “just a little peak”.. I gave in and ended up browsing and looking at P for an hour. I Also M’d, but didn’t O. Semen retention is usually beneficial for me so that helped me not go all out. Wasn’t really edging either so that’s good. I finally got fed up with it, and closed it down.

    I’ll have to restart my counter now, but that’s okay. I’m happy it wasn’t an all out binge!

    I’m starting to notice some positive things:
    1 I’m enjoying P less
    2 real intimacy is getting better, I’m more in the moment and I’m enjoying it much more
    3 When I do watch P, the amount of time I spend on it has reduced
    4 This streak was a little longer, I often fall between day 7 and 18. Only if it’s just one day, it’s still progress :)

    I decided to buy a macbook and sell my current laptop. I’m tired of windows being so easy to bypass safety measures. If I can do it within 2 minutes, it’s not helping enough. Had a look at the macOS parental control setting and it seems to be much safer and harder to get around. Sure there’s probably always a possibility, but I need the peace of mind to know it’s not just readily available.
     
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Day 1
    Had a nocturnal emission last night, which kinda sucked. After that I didn’t sleep as good as before and had restless p dreams. Woke up way too early and got a chaser effect now :/

    Just set up a family shield by open DNS on my router. It’s a little extra layer of protection. By setting it up and testing it I did peak a little at p though. It wasn’t long and no M involved.

    I have to go to the occupational physician in a bit.
     

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